Uninvolved MOB

michelejosephine

Hi Girls I need some advice, so I hope you can help.

My mother and I have never gotten along (I am almost 31). When my younger brother got married 3 1/2 years ago she was upset that they didn't really involve her and my dad in their planning process. She had been harassing me and my now-fiance to get engaged, and when we finally did last August I was worried she'd be overbearing, but no just the opposite. She wants nothing to do with it. I have invited her to bridal shows (not her thing), showed her the colors of my bridesmaids' dresses (doesn't care) among other things. Me and my fiance got in a fight with her a few days ago because a bridal show I went to on Saturday I had originally asked her and my fiance's mom to go back in November. My fiance's mom said she'd go as long as the weather wasn't bad (she lives 1 1/2 hour away), but my mom wasn't into those she said (she told fiance this). That was fine as I didn't wanna force people to go, but I told fiance she'd better not turn around 2 months from then and say I never invited/included her which of course she did the night before the show which led to a fight. When my fiance went to apologize to her last night for yelling, she brushed off his apology and said she was just gonna stay out of everything and just show up to the wedding. My dad is no help as he tries to stay out of our fights even when he hears her degrading me (which is often). Thank God for my amazing future mother-in-law who in the 4 1/2 years I've been with my fiance has been the mom I always wanted. She has been beyond great. But it hurts to know my mom wants nothing to do with me or this wedding. She has not spoken to me in a few days and I'm done letting her ruin this time for us. I'm just not sure how to handle going forth from here. Talking to her gets me nowhere and I'm sick of caving in.

ElisabethJoanne

Your mother is justifiably jealous. She gave birth to you and raised you, and now you like (love?) someone better than her.

Skip wedding talk for a while and just be a good daughter. They make daughter-to-mother Valentine's cards. Find one. Ask what's going on in her life. Maybe see her just-because.

When she's calmed down, very gently double-check she doesn't want to be involved in planning. If she doesn't, fine. If she does, say something like, "Well, I'll e-mail you about appointments and plans related to wedding-planning. Respond if you'd like to come. If not, you can ignore them."

OBX2011

Very nice advice Elisabeth

RaptorSLH

I'm sorry your mom is a jerk and your dad is spineless.  I know you that can feel. Don't cave in.  You've done nothing wrong.

Best advice I can give is to to find your support elsewhere, like FI and MIL.  Built healthy relationships with those who give you the chance.  Sometimes a counselor can help you begin to let go of her emotionally.  The more emotional distance you get between your parents and you, the healthier you will be.  Fill your life with people who return your love instead.

I disagree with PPs.  There is nothing "justifiable" in the pattern you've described.

calliopeia2013

Wow, COMPLETELY disagree with PPs (except Raptor, who is exactly right).  "Justifiably jealous"??  You made every possible attempt to make overtures, only to have them brushed aside.  Your mom is manipulative and passive-aggressive and trying to make you feel bad about yourself because it's the only way she feels like she can have control over you.

I do agree that you should wait until she's calmed down and make one last overture.  It might also be worth checking in with her to see if there's anything wrong besides the wedding stuff.  But beyond that, just say, "Mom, you've said you don't want to be involved.  If you change your mind, I'll be happy to include you, just let me know.  But until then, I'm going to respect your wishes and not involve you." And then don't involve her.

ymagaia

I know you want your mom involved but if she chooses to decline and then flip at the last minute.....you need to try to not take it personally and try not to fight with her. Maybe she is hoping to pick a fight. Rise above it, send that email so you have dated proof that she was invited. MOST OF ALL, do not let her take away from your joy. I am a mother-in-law and my only daughter just recently got engaged. This is YOUR  TIME. Enjoy it with your FMIL if she is willing to be there for you. Sounds like your mom is having some kind of trouble dealing.....with what I am not sure, but chin up, sweetie. You only get one chance at this so enjoy it.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_uninvolved-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:56b703d2-c7e8-4ef1-888e-2edccf44fcf4Post:f25d2a5d-96d6-4cb8-8210-179fc7336691">Re: Uninvolved MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mother is justifiably jealous. She gave birth to you and raised you, and now you like (love?) someone better than her. Skip wedding talk for a while and just be a good daughter. They make daughter-to-mother Valentine's cards. Find one. Ask what's going on in her life. Maybe see her just-because. When she's calmed down, very gently double-check she doesn't want to be involved in planning. If she doesn't, fine. If she does, say something like, "Well, I'll e-mail you about appointments and plans related to wedding-planning. Respond if you'd like to come. If not, you can ignore them."
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

This is really terrible advice. I think you need to re-read the part where OP says they've never gotten along. I don't think a daughter-to-mother Valentine's Day card is going to make her mother suddenly see the light or provide her father with a spine.

cwill6212

@ raptor - I don't know what the heck "justifiably jealous" means either but thank you for being the voice of reason.

@ callio - You are right. This mother is passive aggressive, manipulative as well as selfish and just plain bitter. 

@ michele - I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I am right there with you though. I see my own mother in this posting, for sure.  But no matter how bitter or unhappy a parent is, they should NEVER take it out on their children. A parent should never even be JEALOUS of their children---what happened to wanting what is best for them?? Difference is that my mom and i used to be close. Until about 5 years ago when her jealousy went off the deep end over how I grieved when my father passed. That only extended when I began dating my FI (even though she seemed to like him initially). She has been MIA from my life for over 2 years now and doesn't even know that I am getting married in less than 4 months. My MIL is awesome though, as well as the rest of my FI family. So, my advice is to hold close to your new family and surround yourself that will build you up, encourage and love you the way your mother should.

jhedge

Sounds a lot like my situation. I would try to avoid taking about wedding plans with her if she's goign to be that way. Glad to hear your FMIL is very nice I know it hurts to leave her out but you have got to do what makes you happy.