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Fighting bridesmaids

Lemondrop24Lemondrop24
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in Moms and Maids
Maybe you ladies could help me out with this...

I have 4 bridesmaids, and they are my 4 favorite ladies in the whole world.  My sis is my MOH, then there is my cousin, and my 2 best friends.  Everything was going fine, everyone was so excited, until shower planning time came.  I provided my guest list and stayed out of it as instructed.  Until the complaints started coming in.  Sis and cousin kept trying to contact my best friend, and she never answered their calls.  They would email her and she would respond, but not do any of the tasks they asked of her.  Basically she was avoiding them.  The other girls were then trying to get me to talk to her about it, which I was pretty uncomfortable with as they were planning a party for me which I had no involvement in (except to show up, naturally).

My best friend and I had plans to take the train to my hometown together the night before my shower, but she decided at the last minute she wasn't going because she didn't feel well.  I'm sure she wasn't lying, but I was a little disappointed she wouldn't be there.

The shower was beautiful and the girls did a wonderful job, but since then, the other BM and my family have been saying things like, "so is '***** really coming to your wedding?  Is she going to show up?  Does she have a phone? etc. Any attempt I've made for the girls and I to all hang out together, ***** has canceled on us. I don't want a rift between my family and one of my friends.  I'm just not sure how to handle this...
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Re: Fighting bridesmaids

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fighting-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5726633f-1e3d-4d16-8d78-69c155bf3079Post:d7ed7d3a-6d09-4b9e-bd2b-f4f1ea708fb0">Fighting bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe you ladies could help me out with this... I have 4 bridesmaids, and they are my 4 favorite ladies in the whole world.  My sis is my MOH, then there is my cousin, and my 2 best friends.  Everything was going fine, everyone was so excited, until shower planning time came.  I provided my guest list and stayed out of it as instructed.  Until the complaints started coming in.  Sis and cousin kept trying to contact my best friend, and she never answered their calls.  They would email her and she would respond, but not do any of the tasks they asked of her.  Basically she was avoiding them.  The other girls were then trying to get me to talk to her about it, which I was pretty uncomfortable with as they were planning a party for me which I had no involvement in (except to show up, naturally). My best friend and I had plans to take the train to my hometown together the night before my shower, but she decided at the last minute she wasn't going because she didn't feel well.  I'm sure she wasn't lying, but I was a little disappointed she wouldn't be there. The shower was beautiful and the girls did a wonderful job, but since then, the other BM and my family have been saying things like, "so is '***** really coming to your wedding?  Is she going to show up?  Does she have a phone? etc. Any attempt I've made for the girls and I to all hang out together, ***** has canceled on us. I don't want a rift between my family and one of my friends.  I'm just not sure how to handle this...
    Posted by Lemondrop24[/QUOTE]


    Is it due to financial reasons? Did you ask each BM their budget before choosing dresses and all? Maybe she just couldn't afford to help with the shower therefore withdrew herself completely instead of telling you or the other BM's this.

    Could there be something else more pressing going on in her life right now? I would sincerely try to get ahold of her and see if you can go to lunch or something. If she doesn't answer your or still avoids you, then I would just let her know what dresses and shoes you have decided to go with. Then, the ball is in her court to get the dress and show up. If she doesn't get the dress ordered, then she has removed herself from the wedding.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fighting-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5726633f-1e3d-4d16-8d78-69c155bf3079Post:d7ed7d3a-6d09-4b9e-bd2b-f4f1ea708fb0">Fighting bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe you ladies could help me out with this... I have 4 bridesmaids, and they are my 4 favorite ladies in the whole world.  My sis is my MOH, then there is my cousin, and my 2 best friends.  Everything was going fine, everyone was so excited, until shower planning time came.  I provided my guest list and stayed out of it as instructed.  Until the complaints started coming in.  Sis and cousin kept trying to contact my best friend, and she never answered their calls.  <strong>They would email her and she would respond, but not do any of the tasks they asked of her. </strong> Basically she was avoiding them.  <strong>The other girls were then trying to get me to talk to her about it, which I was pretty uncomfortable with as they were planning a party for me which I had no involvement in (except to show up, naturally)</strong>. My best friend and I had plans to take the train to my hometown together the night before my shower, but she decided at the last minute she wasn't going because she didn't feel well.  I'm sure she wasn't lying, but I was a little disappointed she wouldn't be there. The shower was beautiful and the girls did a wonderful job, but since then, the other BM and my family have been saying things like, "so is '***** really coming to your wedding?  Is she going to show up?  Does she have a phone? etc. Any attempt I've made for the girls and I to all hang out together, ***** has canceled on us. I don't want a rift between my family and one of my friends.  I'm just not sure how to handle this...
    Posted by Lemondrop24[/QUOTE]

    Guess what, your family is in the wrong. They don't TELL the BM what she needs to do for the shower, they should have let the BM volunteered what SHE wanted to be in charge of in doing. Second, they should NEVER brought you in the middle of this and was even more rude of them to put you in the awkward spot of wanting to talk to her about not being involve. Basically you tell your family that it is not the BM job to help out if she doesn't want to and to leave her alone about it. Even worse is that they are planting negative thoughts to you, tell them to stop it, that you trust your friend in showing up and even if she couldn't make it do to an emergency or having money issues that you would totally understand.

    Your family is wrong and being manipulative to you about your friend. Tell them stop trying to push the BM into doing something that she probably doesn't want to do and stop trying to put negative scenarios in your head because it is causing unneeded stress.
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    Lemondrop24Lemondrop24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes thank you, this is good advice.  You're right, AutumnFair, my family needs to take it easy.  They are a great (if not opinionated group), but just because they are willing and able and want to do a lot doesn't mean my friend is.  After the holidays I will take my BFF out for lunch for some real  one on one time.  Hopefully she will open up if she's able, and maybe I can help.  What are friends for, after all?
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Exactly, Lemondrop.  :)
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    joiner521joiner521
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Straight drama. They can make simple or make it difficult.
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    jms1019jms1019 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm going through similar stuff right now, I'm trying to focus on how nice it is that I have so many wonderful girls in my life fighting over who gets to be my best friend. Continue to stay out of it, try to be there for your friend, and just be ok with not having everyone love each other. I haven't been friendly with any of the other bridesmaids for previous weddings I was in. I'm still friends with the brides though, and that's the important part.
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