Not really the MOG but...

SaraR715

Okay, I have a bit of a weird family dynamic going on. FI's parents are divorced. Neither parent is remarried (at this time), but both have significant others. None of these people like each other, speak on a regular basis, or get along at all.

We recently found out my FFIL is going to be getting engaged to his long time, on & off GF. I am sure this has to do with our upcoming wedding in some way shape or form, but I won't go into that. I'm happy for them if that's what they want to do.

My question is how I should treat/approach this woman with regard to the wedding. My parents sort of made it clear before that she was not to be involved or have a say in anything - since they are paying for most of the wedding, we are paying the rest - and out of respect for my FMIL. But that was before the engagement. If they are to be married next year, this woman will be in my life just like the rest of my ILs, and I don't want there to be long term resentment or hurt feelings. I don't want my FFIL to be offended either, but again, don't want to step on Mom's or MIL's toes.

Should she be given guidelines for an outfit for the wedding? Should she wait until both MOB and MOG have purchased dresses? Should she be included in family pictures? Should contributions or help she offers be accepted and politely declined?

The other thing then is how to treat FMIL's BF - he is a guy and could probably not care less about the wedding. I'm sure he would not be offended by being excluded from anything, events, pictures, etc. but will FMIL be mad that FFIL's FI was included and her BF was not (they are sort of engaged as well...it's complicated.)

This probably sounds incredibly complicated and doesn't make much sense... but if you have advice on dealing with ILs, weird family dynamics, divorced parents' significant others, etc. please let me know! Thanks!

Mark&Steph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-really-mog-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57f9cbcd-4272-40ad-a6ad-eb26e79adab5Post:c0f33055-6951-451a-ad0b-b42219038d50">Not really the MOG but...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I have a bit of a weird family dynamic going on. FI's parents are divorced. Neither parent is remarried (at this time), but both have significant others. None of these people like each other, speak on a regular basis, or get along at all. We recently found out my FFIL is going to be getting engaged to his long time, on & off GF. I am sure this has to do with our upcoming wedding in some way shape or form, but I won't go into that. I'm happy for them if that's what they want to do. My question is how I should treat/approach this woman with regard to the wedding. My parents sort of made it clear before that she was not to be involved or have a say in anything - since they are paying for most of the wedding, we are paying the rest - and out of respect for my FMIL. But that was before the engagement. If they are to be married next year, this woman will be in my life just like the rest of my ILs, and I don't want there to be long term resentment or hurt feelings. I don't want my FFIL to be offended either, but again, don't want to step on Mom's or MIL's toes. <strong>Should she be given guidelines for an outfit for the wedding? Should she wait until both MOB and MOG have purchased dresses? </strong>Should she be <strong>included in family pictures?</strong> Should <strong>contributions or help she offers be accepted and politely declined?</strong> The other thing then is how to treat FMIL's BF - he is a guy and could probably not care less about the wedding. I'm sure he would not be offended by being excluded from anything, events, pictures, etc. but will FMIL be mad that FFIL's FI was included and her BF was not (they are sort of engaged as well...it's complicated.) This probably sounds incredibly complicated and doesn't make much sense... but if you have advice on dealing with ILs, weird family dynamics, divorced parents' significant others, etc. please let me know! Thanks!
Posted by SaraR715[/QUOTE]No one should be given guidelines for their outfits for the wedding outside of your bridal party. Parents can dress themselves (unless, for example, the dads all want to wear tuxes and you/FI select them). If she asks about the formality of the event, it would be appropriate to clue her in on that. Along with this, the old rules about MOB buying first, then MOG, are outdated. She can select her outfit whenever she wants.<div>
</div><div>Regarding family photos, I would recommend talking with your FI, and maybe you two can talk to his mom and his dad (separately) to get a sense of where everyone stands on this. In my opinion, your FFIL can decide whether his SO should be in photos, and your FMIL can decide whether her SO should be in photos. But really, leave this one to your FI; it's his family.
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LoveMuffins

In Response to Not really the MOG but...:
But that was before the engagement. If they are to be married next year, this woman will be in my life just like the rest of my ILs, and I don't want there to be long term resentment or hurt feelings.
 
I think this is a good point and IF your Mom or MIL's toes feel stepped on, tell them this woman is about to become your family too and they need to respect that. However, there shouldn't be anything going on that would make her feel hurt or left out or the mother's toes stepped on. She should realize that she is not the mother of the groom, although is is the soon-to-be stepmother, and I doubt she'll demand anything ridiculous.

Should she be given guidelines for an outfit for the wedding?
No. She is an adult and should be allowed to choose her own outfit - just like your Mom and the MOG, btw.

Should she wait until both MOB and MOG have purchased dresses?
No. And the MOG doesn't have to wait until the MOB does either. Mothers are no longer required to coordinate with the bridal party or anything else - mostly because they're never in pictures with the bridal party so it really doesn't matter waht the moms wear. All three women should wear something that makes them feel beautiful adn comfortable.

Should she be included in family pictures?
Yes, because she will soon be part of the family. The way we did this was we took one pic with DH's biological parents, and then we took a pic with us, his dad and his dad's girlfriend and then a pic of us his mom and his stepfather and we also did one giant family picture with both sets of parents and his brother and sister-in-law. And seriously, if one of the moms gets upset that FOG's fiance is in a family pic like that, then the mom is being ridiculous.

Should contributions or help she offers be accepted and politely declined?
I seriously doubt she's suddenly going to be contributing money just because she's going to be marrying FOG. If she does, depending on the amount, maybe you can pick something specific that it can go towards - like corsages or bouquets - and then she can help pick those out. Or you can thank her profusely and tell her that it's already been taken care of but you really, truly appreciate the offer. Neither of these options should cause any kind of drama unless the people involved are behaving immaturely.

The other thing then is how to treat FMIL's BF - he is a guy and could probably not care less about the wedding.FMIL be mad that FFIL's FI was included and her BF was not (they are sort of engaged as well...it's complicated.)

Again, just include him in the family pictures the same way. Esp if they're sort of engaged.

The only other way these two need to be involved is that it would be nice if they walked together during the processional (if the parents are part of that) and if you got them a corsage and bout if you're doing that.

The best way to handle this is probably just to treat everyone equally.

MairePoppy

This is not complicated, at all.

The MOB and MOB should not be given guidelines for the dresses for the wedding. The old rule that the MOB gets first choice, forward the info to the MOG has expired. The only thing the mothers and the guests (which includes FFIL's fi or girlfreind) need to know is the formality of the wedding. Each woman may select a dress in the color (except white, ivory) and style of her choice.

FFIL's girlfriend and FMIL's boyfriend have the same status, engaged or not. They are significant others. They will be the escorts of the MOG and FOG. Treat them equally, regardless of their degree of interest. If you like,  you may buy each of them a corsage/boutinerre.

Any gift that the girlfriend gives will probably be a joint gift from her and FFIL. Keep any funds they offer you completely seperate from your parents funds. If she offers to pay for part of the wedding, just thank her and let her know that your parents are taking care of it.

SaraR715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-really-mog-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57f9cbcd-4272-40ad-a6ad-eb26e79adab5Post:94061dee-98c1-4f67-b936-c4c88f24a8b1">Re: Not really the MOG but...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Not really the MOG but... : But that was before the engagement. If they are to be married next year, this woman will be in my life just like the rest of my ILs, and I don't want there to be long term resentment or hurt feelings.   I think this is a good point and IF your Mom or MIL's toes feel stepped on, tell them this woman is about to become your family too and they need to respect that. However, there shouldn't be anything going on that would make her feel hurt or left out or the mother's toes stepped on. She should realize that she is not the mother of the groom, although is is the soon-to-be stepmother, and I doubt she'll demand anything ridiculous. Should she be given guidelines for an outfit for the wedding? No. She is an adult and should be allowed to choose her own outfit - just like your Mom and the MOG, btw. Should she wait until both MOB and MOG have purchased dresses? No. And the MOG doesn't have to wait until the MOB does either. Mothers are no longer required to coordinate with the bridal party or anything else - mostly because they're never in pictures with the bridal party so it really doesn't matter waht the moms wear. All three women should wear something that makes them feel beautiful adn comfortable. Should she be included in family pictures? Yes, because she will soon be part of the family. The way we did this was we took one pic with DH's biological parents, and then we took a pic with us, his dad and his dad's girlfriend and then a pic of us his mom and his stepfather and we also did one giant family picture with both sets of parents and his brother and sister-in-law. And seriously, if one of the moms gets upset that FOG's fiance is in a family pic like that, then the mom is being ridiculous. Should contributions or help she offers be accepted and politely declined? I seriously doubt she's suddenly going to be contributing money just because she's going to be marrying FOG. If she does, depending on the amount, maybe you can pick something specific that it can go towards - like corsages or bouquets - and then she can help pick those out. Or you can thank her profusely and tell her that it's already been taken care of but you really, truly appreciate the offer. Neither of these options should cause any kind of drama unless the people involved are behaving immaturely. The other thing then is how to treat FMIL's BF - he is a guy and could probably not care less about the wedding.FMIL be mad that FFIL's FI was included and her BF was not (they are sort of engaged as well...it's complicated.) Again, just include him in the family pictures the same way. Esp if they're sort of engaged. The only other way these two need to be involved is that it would be nice if they walked together during the processional (if the parents are part of that) and if you got them a corsage and bout if you're doing that. The best way to handle this is probably just to treat everyone equally.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]


Unfortunately, I think my Mom thinks it is still the custom and that my MIL will be waiting to hear from her, and I think my MIL made a comment that indicated she thought that was polite and was waiting for guidelines or whatever to come her way before she chose an outfit.

Also unfortunately, I ask about the contributions/help, because it has been going on since we got engaged (over a year ago). I don't want to offend her, but I've struggled to politely redirect conversation or say "it's taken care of" whenever she brings these kind of things up. She is the kind of person who wants to be involved in everything and thinks she is part of the family. I mean, she is, especially if they get married, but I felt much more comfortable keeping her in that role before the engagement, since she and FFIL do not live together and as I mentioned have been "on and off" for many years. She actually said to me at one point "Please take me shopping for your dress with you, not your MIL, she has two of her own daughters to go with" -- umm... I did not ask either one of them to come. I didn't really want them there, and my mom's feelings might have been hurt that it was not just our family. After that she offered to buy me a very expensive pair of shoes that I never intended to purchase or have purchased for me. I am still hoping I made it clear enough she should not do that.

As I said, no one really gets along with anyone, and with a wedding we all know emotions run high. There were "incidents", if you will, when my FSIL got married a few years ago.

Remember you are assuming these are all reasonable people...and the thing is, especially when it comes to a wedding, they are not....

I do like the photo idea though, that seems appropriate and pleasing to everyone. Thanks.

SaraR715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-really-mog-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57f9cbcd-4272-40ad-a6ad-eb26e79adab5Post:b58d62f3-5c5e-434f-a851-56ddd7e7343b">Re: Not really the MOG but...</a>:
[QUOTE]This is not complicated, at all. The MOB and MOB should not be given guidelines for the dresses for the wedding. The old rule that the MOB gets first choice, forward the info to the MOG has expired. The only thing the mothers and the guests (which includes FFIL's fi or girlfreind) need to know is the formality of the wedding. Each woman may select a dress in the color (except white, ivory) and style of her choice.

FFIL's girlfriend and FMIL's boyfriend have the same status, engaged or not. They are significant others. They will be the escorts of the MOG and FOG. Treat them equally, regardless of their degree of interest. If you like,  you may buy each of them a corsage/boutinerre.

Any gift that the girlfriend gives will probably be a joint gift from her and FFIL. Keep any funds they offer you completely seperate from your parents funds. If she offers to pay for part of the wedding, just thank her and let her know that your parents are taking care of it.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]


I just wanted to say, I appreciate your advice and I agree, it <em>shouldn't </em>be complicated, at all. It is, though.

You should have seen the look of horror on both my mother and father's faces (separately) when they heard this engagement was happening. I don't even want to know if my FMIL knows about it at this point, I cannot imagine how she will feel. I know it probably sounds like I am making these people out to be petty, immature, and ridiculous ... and the truth is, they've behaved this way before and I'm just trying to figure out if there's any way to avoid it and keep everyone happy. There is A LOT of history here, and I'm not going to sugar coat it, some of it's pretty ugly.

Also, I'm not going to let it ruin my wedding if she does, because I'm sure everyone will see it for what it is... but this absolutely is the type of woman who would wear white or ivory to someone else's wedding. And as much as I would like to not worry about it, I am a bit old fashioned, as is my FI and obviously my parents, and I think we all will be pretty offended if she does...especially while showing off her shiny new engagement ring.

Simply Fated

Unfortunately, I think my Mom thinks it is still the custom and that my MIL will be waiting to hear from her, and I think my MIL made a comment that indicated she thought that was polite and was waiting for guidelines or whatever to come her way before she chose an outfit.

They're still adults, though. Let your mom and FMIL figure it out, but under no circumstances does the soon-to-be stepmother have to play along.

From everything you said about your mother and FMIL, I'm with Team Stepmom.  Your mom and FMIL are being petty and immature. Stepmom wants to help, she offers to help.

If you are so sure mom and FMIL can't act like adults, then at least remember that you're an adult. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do.

Also, it's just a dress. She'll look like an ass if she shows up in white, not you. If you tell her what to wear, she'll probably REALLY show up in a white dress after that.

lnl1025

you could always just have your fiances mother and father in the wedding pictures and not the s/o's . Really, only his father and mother are his parents,and therefore he is  not OBLIGATED to have their sig others in his wedding photos. Especially if theyre not married. If he wants to take a photo with them as a couple, (his father and his sig other and his mom and hers, but not group them all together ) as well thats fine too, but if you want to do pictures with your parents and his parents, and that is just his mother and father, that is fine. I definitly understand weird family dynamics and how even tho some people are supposed to be adults, their behaviors make things complicated for others.

SaraR715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-really-mog-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57f9cbcd-4272-40ad-a6ad-eb26e79adab5Post:ea6a02f9-fbbb-4931-897d-3bf2d7a12cf2">Re: Not really the MOG but...</a>:
[QUOTE]you could always just have your fiances mother and father in the wedding pictures and not the s/o's . Really, only his father and mother are his parents,and therefore he is  not OBLIGATED to have their sig others in his wedding photos. Especially if theyre not married. If he wants to take a photo with them as a couple, (his father and his sig other and his mom and hers, but not group them all together ) as well thats fine too, but if you want to do pictures with your parents and his parents, and that is just his mother and father, that is fine. I definitly understand weird family dynamics and how even tho some people are supposed to be adults, their behaviors make things complicated for others.
Posted by lnl1025[/QUOTE]

THIS is exactly what I was planning to do. There is no guarantee SO's are going to be around for the long haul, and as they are not technically related to FI or I, I do not feel <strong>obligated</strong> to them in any way. My opinion changes when someone is engaged or married. IMHO that is a choice most people don't enter into lightly, they are joining their family with another, and that decision should be respected. Obviously I don't want to hurt feelings or step on toes, but seriously my FI's father's GF/possible future FI seems like *not* the most important person to worry about in the grand scheme of things. On the other hand, I'm fairly certain she's just itching to get her hands on some part of the planning, and I don't want either one of them (FFIL or her) to think we aren't happy for them.

To be perfectly honest, both "engagements" - one more "official" than the other - were a surprise to FI and I, and we believe they had something (if not everything) to do with our engagement and wedding this year. As I started off by saying, there is a weird dynamic here, and I think there is some competition going on between almost all parties on FI's side of the fam.

For my Mom's part, she deserves credit for that fact that a wedding is a big deal for the MOB and I really don't care what people say, there's a hierarchy and MOB (especially if she's holding the purse strings) comes before MOG and Future Stepmom. My mom just wants her only daughter (child)'s wedding to be beautiful and special, and not a big mess of 18 people telling me what to do or what not to do. That's part of why I come on here instead of dissecting every detail with her or my BMs.

I honestly wish there <u>was</u> a rule book, so that I could point to something and say, people, this is what we're doing, Emily Post says. the end.

lnl1025

there is a rule book , but much like every thing else, the rules all seemingly contradict each other on a regular basis depending on who's doing the reading. HA. Emily Post can say what she wants, she isnt part of your family and doesnt have to live with them in the end , she doesnt have to pay your bills, she doesnt have to deal with anyones hurt feelings, or really, anything else.. She is appearently blessed with an endless supply of money and everyone she knows is perfectly proper, has no feelings and all play by "the rules" . I however ( and I'm assuming you) all live in reality.Do what you need to do and pick and choose the advise from the knot.. the same people who tell you you have to follow all these "rules" are the same ones who tell you the wedding industry is just out for your money they dont care if your familys feelings are hurt or you are left broke. Theyve all fallen for it, just to different degrees. I agree with you about being engaged or married changing things. Just remember, venting on the knot can be a dangerous ground HAHHA. You could end up more confused than when you started. Sounds like you have your head on straight tho, people are going to get their feelings hurt at some point in the process. Its IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone.

SaraR715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-really-mog-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57f9cbcd-4272-40ad-a6ad-eb26e79adab5Post:adf95e8a-385b-4c28-a6ef-0bc13c0263bb">Re: Not really the MOG but...</a>:
[QUOTE]Just remember, venting on the knot can be a dangerous ground HAHHA. You could end up more confused than when you started. Sounds like you have your head on straight tho, people are going to get their feelings hurt at some point in the process. Its IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone.
Posted by lnl1025[/QUOTE]

SO true. and thanks :) I do the best I can.