Moms and Maids

Mom is traditional, I'm... not

My mother and I don't agree on almost anything (this applies to most areas of life, and not just my wedding). To sum up, I'm a little offbeat; I like skulls, tattoos, piercings, dying my hair funny colors, etc. My mother is a typical, suburban, conservative, Christian woman. She has for most of my life disapproved of my style choices, and makes her opinion known (she pouted for about 3 days when I, at 22 years old, showed up with my eyebrow pierced.)

I feel like I need her help for my wedding, cause she is good at knowing what to plan/get/decide on next. But I feel like her style is taking over what I want my wedding to be. How do I tell her I still want her help, but sometimes I just need her to smile and say "That is so YOU!" at some of my choices, instead of looking at me with disgust and trying to change my mind? 

She's really good at talking around things to manipulate me too, so sometimes I don't realize I'm not really into something til I get home on my own, look at it again, and think "this sucks". Making it even more awkward to then want to change ideas.

Re: Mom is traditional, I'm... not

  • First off, who is paying? That will influence the advice you get around here. 

    I had a very similar problem with my mom. We are fairly close, but she's very "my way or the highway" and thinks any idea that isn't hers isn't very good. She also was convinced that every idea I had, someone else talked me into it, always asking me "well who do you know that did that?" It took a long time, honestly almost a year into the engagement, before my mom came around and stopped acting as though my wedding was going to be the most horrifying thing ever. 

    I read somewhere once that mothers feel they are responsible for their daughters' appearance and image she presents to the world, so it puts a lot of pressure on mothers.

    Sit down and talk to her. Tell her you are who you are, she is who she is, and as adults, you've both got to learn to deal with that. Part of that involves her coming to terms with the idea that you're going to do your wedding your way, and it will reflect your and your FI's personalities, not necessarily what is traditional. Assuming you and FI are paying, you absolutely do not have to justify your decisions. If she wants to fight you, tell her, calmly, that since she can't support your ideas, she's just not going to be involved. And stick to it. After a few months of not keeping my mom in the loop, she understood I was seriously planning the whole thing without her, and agreed to be nice. She slipped up a few times, but she did her best to be supportive, even when she didn't exactly understand. She ended up being extremely helpful, and I couldn't have done it without her. 

    If she is paying or helping to pay, you're going to have to compromise with her, or refuse her money if she or you won't. 
  • I think you need to sit down and have a face to face, adult conversation with your mother and tell her how you feel. Or learn to say "I don't care for that" or "That's just not the our style or the look we are going for."

    Is your mom paying for any of the wedding? With money comes strings? If you want your moms help be prepared for her opinion.

    I guess my other question is - how close are you guys? My mom and I are super close and there are some wedding details that we don't agree on but utlimately it's not going to ruin my day if we do it her way and not mine. Are there some thing you can compromise on and do your moms way...maybe some small things?
  • Try these simple words. "Everyone had the opportunity to plan their wedding. I would like the opportunity to plan mine."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-traditional-im-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:60712332-227b-4913-891c-b8cd4f3a0e27Post:b28f190b-0ef9-4349-ab70-d8b69e5a9bea">Re:Mom is traditional, I'm... not</a>:
    [QUOTE]A being a Christian has nothing to do with any of it. There are plenty of conservative Muslims, Jews, Atheists, etc. And there are plenty of "offbeat" Christians. I have multiple tats, my nose is pierced, and the only reason my hair color is natural these days is because of my job. [/QUOTE]
     I didn't mean the Christian part as a negative thing, and absolutely there are Christians that share my love of the "offbeat" culture. I was one for several years (I suppose some would say I still am). But my mother is the <u>stereotype</u> Christian that goes along with the other words I used. I apologize if it came accross as offensive, but I simply meant it as a descriptor to give people an idea of who she is.<div>
    </div><div>To the money issue, my dad is footing the bill. I mean, my parents are still married, but he's the only one between them that has ever had a paying job outside the home since they've been together (20-some years). I like to make the distinction, because my father is much more supportive of me, laid back, and go with the flow. But I guess some would say that they're "a unit" so that counts as my mother paying as well.</div><div>
    </div><div>Thank you everyone for the advice! I will try to talk to her soon.</div>
  • Is your dad willing to support your wedding choices?  If your mom started complaining about our choices would she listen if your dad gently reminded her that it's your and your FI's wedding and as long as nothing you are doing is rude, you should have a say in things?  You don't want it to appear as though you and your dad are uniting and ganging up against your mom, but if your dad is supportive of your choices he can always just tell mom "it's their wedding to plan and they have my blessing to do what they please with the money we are providing"
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-is-traditional-im-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:60712332-227b-4913-891c-b8cd4f3a0e27Post:86c1b340-8a3c-4b29-b866-638950e6dabc">Mom is traditional, I'm... not</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mother and I don't agree on almost anything (this applies to most areas of life, and not just my wedding). To sum up, I'm a little offbeat; I like skulls, tattoos, piercings, dying my hair funny colors, etc. My mother is a typical, suburban, conservative , Christian woman. She has for most of my life disapproved of my style choices, and makes her opinion known (she pouted for about 3 days when I, at 22 years old, showed up with my eyebrow pierced.) I feel like I need her help for my wedding, cause she is good at knowing what to plan/get/decide on next. But I feel like her style is taking over what I want my wedding to be. <strong>How do I tell her I still want her help, but sometimes I just need her to smile and say "That is so YOU !"</strong> at some of my choices, instead of looking at me with disgust and trying to change my mind?  She's really good at talking around things to manipulate me too, so sometimes I don't realize I'm not really into something til I get home on my own, look at it again, and think "this sucks". Making it even more awkward to then want to change ideas.
    Posted by xechosx[/QUOTE]

    Let her know that you need her help but also want to keep your personality in the wedding. Talk to her.
  • You are being very thoughtful in trying so hard to "keep the peace" with your mom despite your clear differences.  Try to focus first and foremost on her strengths of planning and organizing, and remind her of how much you appreciate those skills.

    How familiar is your mom with current trends in weddings?  If she still has "old school" sensibilities regarding weddings, then your views/unique styles may seem very far from the path.  Perhaps if you showed her how much trends have changed, and how much weddings now reflect the couple, she might relax a bit and be more receptive to some of your ideas.  


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