Helping bride with difficult mother

csimm25

Hey girls! I have a situation I don't know if I can help with or just stay out of!!

My best friend Kate is getting married in early 2012 (still a ways away, I know!). She and her fiance live several hours out of state from where the wedding will be so while they were home for Christmas they made sure to get the locations set up and deposits down since there aren't a whole lot of options where I live. She's going to be planning much of this wedding either from several hours away or while she's home for short vacations. I'll be the MOH so I'll be doing my best to help her when she asks.

The problem is that Kate's mom planned her own wedding in a very short amount of time and is constantly telling her that she doesn't need to plan things this early. She's not going crazy with the planning or anything, she really only has the location booked and has begun an early dress search just to rule out styles and such. However, when we were out dress shopping, her mom didn't seem too into it and seemed to be more worried about what we were doing for lunch after leaving the store. Her mom made comments that the bridesmaids can find their dresses a couple months before the wedding even though Kate had discussed the need to order the dresses longer before that with a couple of the bridal salon attendants.

Kate understands that her mom's planning went a lot differently (and that things were much different back then) but she headed back home kind of hurt. I've been doing my best to reassure her that her mom is excited, (she has stated this) but I'm not sure how else to go about helping her figure out how to talk to her about it or how to take a step back.

Is there anything I can do to help things go more smoothly next time she's in town or do I just need to stay out of it and leave it between them? We're not related and even though her family is like family to me, I know it's not my place to say anything to her mom directly. But is there anything I can do to help Kate handle her mom's stressful comments? Or do I just need to be there for her to vent to?

trix1223

This is between Kate and her mom.  Be the best sounding board for Kate that you can be, but stay far, far away from even thinking about intervening between Kate and her mother.

AutumnFair

Do not interfere, trust me, if you say something and her mom gets hurt I can bet that your friend is not going to be happy so really try to stay out of it. Your friend needs to learn to just ignore her mother's comments or just keep telling mom, "In today's society, wedding stuff is in much higher demand and things need to be book accordingly", I also like using the "don't want to procrastinate" line.

As for the BMs dress, your friend isn't getting married until 2012! This is WAY too early to order dresses, the MAX it takes most Bridal stores is 6 months to get dresses in and if she chooses Davids then their max is like 2 months. So yeah, I would tell her to wait until 8 months out to look at dresses. The reason the consultants were telling her to order now is that they WANT YOUR MONEY ASAP! So tell your friend not to freak out, they are just after your money.

Let her vent if she is having problems with mom, but never get in the middle of it.

mstroud23

Be there for her to vent!  I myself am just over 2 months away and I started planning the morning after getting engaged. My own mother told me I didn't need to plan so far in advance (8months) and could wait until 4-5 months out. But I planned away and good thing because my venue needs final head counts by Jan 7th and all the rooms from our hotel block need to be booked by Jan 17th.
You really can't say too much to her mom about it. It is quite a ways out, and her mom will likely be more receptive to the planning the closer it gets. Things for her to remember is that most bridal shops can require up to 2 months if a dress has to be ordered-then there are fittings/alterations. So dresses like...4 months out is the closest I would cut it-and you should help her keep track of about when she should realistically start making decisions and when things need to be done. Having someone who she can vent to about her mom and who is commited to heloing her plan her day the way she wants it-is the best thing you can do for her.

csimm25

Thank you everyone!

I wasn't planning on saying anything to her mom but I wasn't sure if there was something in particular I could say to her. So I'll do what I can to let her vent it out and provide support!

Also, she knew we didn't need to be looking at bridesmaids dresses right now, especialy since she doesn't even have the rest of the WP set in stone but I think it threw her off when her mom said to wait to start even looking until 2 months before and the shops said we needed them ordered 4-6 months before! 

Thanks again for the input!!