I Hurt My Future Mother-In-Laws Feelings... Please Help

sexilex

So when we first got engaged in April, I mentioned having my FMIL come dress shopping with me and my crew. She has two sons, and I thought it would be a nice gesture, since she wouldnt get a chance to go dress shopping ever. 
Then came december, and I am finally going.... but I recently decided I didnt want a huge group to go. I just wanted a small group that I could be comfortable around. We were also going to have to do two salons in one day due a bunch of other scheduling reasons, so I felt that that was too much to ask of people to endure.
Long story short, as the day approached, I did not ask my FMIL. I came home excited to tell her I found the dress, and could sense a cold vibe coming from her, that she was trying to hide. My fiance just told me that he thinks she is hurt by it.
and... did I mention we live with my inlaws... so its extra awkward...
I need help figuring out what to say or do to smooth this over. do i bring it up to her at all? I feel awful. I am very sensitive. I do not like to hurt people. So this is eating me up. Any ideas?

nfontana

I can understand her hurt.  if i were you i would try to get her to do something else with you.  tell her it's really important take her to the fitting or something ask her opinon and treat her to dinner make her feel speical.

kmmssg

Apologize.  You told her early on she was invited to something she would never otherwise experience and then you didn't include her.  Of course she is hurt.  If you live with her did you have to be secretive about it so she wouldn't catch on?

Apologize to her and take her to fittings and out to dinner.

StephBeanWed61502

You really, really need to apologize.  I understand wanting a "small group," but would your FMIL (only ONE extra person) really have made that much of a difference?  You told the poor woman she could come dress shopping with you, then deprived her of perhaps the only opportunity she'll ever have to go with a "daughter" to shop for a wedding dress.  It was rude to exclude her after inviting her, and she's justified in being hurt.  Also, as to the "I thought it would be too much to ask people to endure" point, you should have let her make that decision for herself, rather than making assumptions about what she was or wasn't interested in/able to do.  

Apologize, take her to dinner, and when the dress comes in, make an appointment to go with her - just her - to the salon to see the dress in person.

And don't pretend you "just forgot" to ask her when you apologize - you live with the woman, for chrissakes.  It seems to me you would've had to actively deceive her for her not to know you were going dress shopping.  

Sorry about the length of my reaction, but I brought my FMIL dress shopping with me (her daughter is 35 and has decided she and her b/f will never marry, and her only other child is her son, my FI, so this was pretty much it for her on the dress-shopping front) and she was truly touched, and it brought us a lot closer, so I think you missed a really crucial opportunity to build a relationship with your FMIL, for no apparent reason.

sexilex

ohkay... yea youre right.no i wasnt secretive, cause it was so long ago, and i didnt really remember or think she would remember. but she sure did. so i didnt hide the fact that i was going. i figured she wouldnt care that much. but i was wrong. yes. youre right. i gotta fix this.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hurt-future-mother-laws-feelings-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6ce7e0d9-e9db-4ffa-9e08-a98e6d0006dfPost:e5ae0277-6d69-4652-a22c-16a1b4e54c9a">I Hurt My Future Mother-In-Laws Feelings... Please Help</a>:
[QUOTE]So when we first got engaged in April, I mentioned having my FMIL come dress shopping with me and my crew. She has two sons, and I thought it would be a nice gesture, since she wouldnt get a chance to go dress shopping ever.  Then came december, and I am finally going.... but I recently decided I didnt want a huge group to go. I just wanted a small group that I could be comfortable around. We were also going to have to do two salons in one day due a bunch of other scheduling reasons, so I felt that that was too much to ask of people to endure. Long story short, as the day approached, I did not ask my FMIL. I came home excited to tell her I found the dress, and could sense a cold vibe coming from her, that she was trying to hide. My fiance just told me that he thinks she is hurt by it. and... did I mention we live with my inlaws... so its extra awkward... I need help figuring out what to say or do to smooth this over. do i bring it up to her at all? I feel awful. I am very sensitive. I do not like to hurt people. So this is eating me up. Any ideas?
Posted by sexilex[/QUOTE]

Why do you live with your future in-laws? Are you planning to move out on your own after the wedding?

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hurt-future-mother-laws-feelings-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6ce7e0d9-e9db-4ffa-9e08-a98e6d0006dfPost:62a0edf2-e9ef-4ea3-9ace-3ac2aad27b18">Re: I Hurt My Future Mother-In-Laws Feelings... Please Help</a>:
[QUOTE]ohkay... yea youre right.no i wasnt secretive, cause it was so long ago, and i didnt really remember or think she would remember. but she sure did. so i didnt hide the fact that i was going. i figured she wouldnt care that much. but i was wrong. yes. youre right. i gotta fix this.
Posted by sexilex[/QUOTE]

But you remember, now, that you asked her in April? I'm not buying that you forgot and that you didn't  go out of your way to keep it a secret from her. And your FMIL won't buy it either. When you apologize, be truthful and sincere.

How many people were in your entourage? Was your FMIL the only one that you excluded from the original plan?

Grits8812

Honestly, I would be hurt also to find out that my future daughter in law (and the only daughter to have) went dress shopping without me.  Take her to the fittings, take her out to lunch, or ask her to be a part of doing centerpieces, ideas for decorations, etc. so she knows you didn't just forget about her. 

lilyly

What's done is done. I think it's good to talk about it and get it out in the open. However, I would first try to do something else with her to get her just as involved. Maybe help with the accessories, or menu selection, hair or cake?

sweetredhead

Yeah. I'd be upset if I were your fmil. You asked her then blew her off. This woman for unknown reasons that I'm not asking for let's you live in her home and you ditch her. Quite frankly, it was a slap in the face to her and a clear message that she isn't impotent enough for you to include her after asking her to come. Sorry if I come off rude but man that was cold.

Maggie0829

Apologize for not including her in the dress shopping.  I would be truthful with her as to why you didn't include her and let her know that you did not think that it would hurt her feelings.  Tell her that you did not intentionally mean to hurt her.  I think as long as you apologize and make amends, if she is a reasonable woman, any hurt that she is feeling will be gone.  If you want you can always invite her to your first dress fitting so that she can see the dress on you and still feel involved in the process.

whifflegirl

I have a hard time seeing how you could be comfortable enough around a woman to live with her, yet you're not comfortable enough to try a dress on in front of her.  If she knows that's the excuse you're using, that could be extra salt rubbing in her wounds since, by allowing you to live with her, she obviously already views you like family. 

Kate61487

ditto PPs, you absolutely need to apologize, sincerely, asap.  What you did was mean, and hurtful.  (For other brides reading - it's not necessary to take MIL dress shopping, but asking her to go and getting her all excited about it and then going back on it is what's hurtful).

After you apologize I'm make a concerted effort to include her in other plans.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_hurt-future-mother-laws-feelings-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6ce7e0d9-e9db-4ffa-9e08-a98e6d0006dfPost:a155273c-891e-465f-ae9f-2fc7566897bf">Re: I Hurt My Future Mother-In-Laws Feelings... Please Help</a>:
[QUOTE]ditto PPs, you absolutely need to apologize, sincerely, asap.  What you did was mean, and hurtful.  (For other brides reading - it's not necessary to take MIL dress shopping, but asking her to go and getting her all excited about it and then going back on it is what's hurtful). After you apologize I'm make a concerted effort to include her in other plans.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

This a hundred times.  You messed up about as badly as you could and need to make amends.

mandctaft

I'd be hurt too. It would have been one thing if you hadn't asked her, but you did invite her and then "forgot" to mention that you were going. Definitely ask her to help in other areas and take her to fittings. Some nice apology flowers might be nice too.

sexilex

wow ladies... i really feel attacked... i knew it was awful... i wasnt trying to defend it... and i didnt need to be convinced it was terrible... that part i knew... it was on my mind so heavy, and I definitely didnt mean to sound like i had a good excuse for it....i was just looking for advice from fellow brides about how to make things right... i made an insensitive neglectful mistake... that much i knew. These responses got so bad, I cound't even check them anymore. Have none of you ever hurt someone unintentionally before?

someone asked how many people were originally in the appointment with me ... it was 10, i cut it to 4. someone asked why we live with our inlaws (a questions i felt had nothing to do with the topic)... but the answer is, our apartment lease was up and we are in the process of buying a house . its just a transition.

I have apologized, without excuses, and everything is fine. She said she didnt take it too hard, and I was crazy for thinking she was upset with me. She said she figured I just wanted an intimate day with my sister and mother, and thought nothing else of it. I made sure to let her know I was embarasseed, deeply sorry, and had no bad intentions. She said she will gladly come to my first fitting to see my dress on me.

Everything is more than okay. I am glad that weight is off me. 

jemmini6

I'm glad you smoothed things over. 

And I don't think anyone attacked you, just reitterated that what you did was wrong and you should apologize.  When reading people's responses, just keep in mind that there are many people lurking that may be (or are planning to do) in the same situation as you, so even if you feel a response doesn't apply to you, it may help someone else who is reading, so just take things with a grain of salt.

kaitlyn&henry

I second the above post...i also think some posts are simply from not reading all of the already posted responses and maybe missed you already acknowledged what you needed to do.

good luck with the new house and wedding

kimberlygo

This kind of happened to me. I talked about going shopping with my FMIL, but hopped into a store one day on a whim and bought a dress. I literally tried on 3 dresses total. I didn't tell her what happened, but instead she found out when I mentioned it on my facebook wall (i know, stupid me).  She called my FI about it and he told me, she had hurt feelings. I called her up, told her the story, apologized and asked her if she would come to my fittings with me.  In the end, despite the fumble, it wasn't the worst thing possible in the scheme of things. She understood, and I have found other ways to incorporate her.