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  • krose83013krose83013
    First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6f2d05da-97f0-466b-9c1a-9a94682d4c44Post:b68a4e3b-ea99-4285-9e7d-31e8b7578512">Bridesmaid "Backup"?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are 6 months away from my wedding and one of my bridesmaids recently told me she will no longer be able to be in the wedding. I'm fine with it, but would like to ask another one of my close friends. My fiance doesn't think it would be an issue to ask her, but some other friends have expressed concern that the new girl would feel like a "backup"... like she wasn't good enough the first time around, which honestly is NOT the case AT ALL. I had my reasons for choosing who I did in the first place, but it had nothing to do with who I liked better or who I was closer to - these girls are all my closest friends and if I could, I'd have them all up there with me. But I can't so I based my decision on things I probably shouldn't have (like who lives closer and who is friends with other bridesmaids). In hindsight, I realize that was a terrible thing to base such a big decision on.  But now I am left wondering whether or not I should ask my other friend. She is honestly so laid-back I really don't think she would be offended if I asked her now. In fact, I already told her how much I wanted her in the bridal party in the first place... and she was not offended in the slightest. I'm actually wondering if I DIDN'T ask her at this point, might she be offended? I'm more worried about the time constraint on her (6 months) than the fact that she might be offended (I really don't think she would be).  What are your thoughts? Is it rude to ask someone to be a bridesmaid if one of your other girls drops out? And is 6 months way to short notice to plan to be a bridesmaid?
    Posted by jeszer[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Honestly, I think it's rude. She wasn't good enough to be in the WP the first go around, but now she's okay? </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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  • Wife KittyWife Kitty member
    First Comment
    The other thing you might want to be cautious about is the fact that it would be rude to the bridesmaid who had to drop out. If you ask another friend to fill in her spot, that could look to the first girl like she's easily replaceable in your eyes.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    Yes, it's rude. If you wanted her in the wedding, you should have asked her to be in it from the start. A B-list bridesmaid is just as rude as having B-list guests. You say you wanted her in it. So why didn't you ask her?  Because she lived further away and isn't friends with the others? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • tiny specktiny speck member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    Please don't do this. As others have said, it's rude to both the "replacement" and "original" bridesmaids.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You chose your bridal party based on who lived closest and who knew who? really? I think you have bigger problems than a replacement bridesmaid. But either way, asking her now would be rude.
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Yes it is rude.  Twice.  You are telling one that she is replaceable and the other that she is second string.
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper

    Listen to your friends, what you are talking about is treating someone like leftovers.

    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • PrincessJasPrincessJas member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    I know I'm going to get flamed for this response, but I was in a similar situation and it all worked out for the best - so the answer comes down to knowing and talking to both of your friends.

    I would suggest talking to your friend who dropped out first and ask what her opinion on you asking someone else would be.  If she is one of your closest friends, she shouldn't have a problem telling you how that would really make her feel.  If she's okay with it, lay the story out for the girl you want to ask and let her make the decision if she wants to be a bridesmaid.  Let them BOTH know if either one has qualms or feels offended, you will leave things as they are because the last thing you want to do is offend anyone.

    I also understand setting imits on the size of the bridal party that appear arbitrary to other people.  For me, the limit was how many we could afford to house when they fly in from out of town for the wedding (I have no friends who are local).


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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6f2d05da-97f0-466b-9c1a-9a94682d4c44Post:4bb76b4a-864c-45cb-8870-de4b80518994">Re: Bridesmaid "Backup"?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I'm going to get flamed for this response, but I was in a similar situation and it all worked out for the best - so the answer comes down to knowing and talking to both of your friends. I would suggest talking to your friend who dropped out first and ask what her opinion on you asking someone else would be.  If she is one of your closest friends, she shouldn't have a problem telling you how that would really make her feel.  If she's okay with it, lay the story out for the girl you want to ask and let her make the decision if she wants to be a bridesmaid.  Let them BOTH know if either one has qualms or feels offended, you will leave things as they are because the last thing you want to do is offend anyone. I also understand setting imits on the size of the bridal party that appear arbitrary to other people.  For me, the limit was how many we could afford to house when they fly in from out of town for the wedding (I have no friends who are local).
    Posted by PrincessJas[/QUOTE]

    "Hey Jane, do you mind terribly much being treated like you're a second rate choice?  No?  Fabulous!!!"


    No.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6f2d05da-97f0-466b-9c1a-9a94682d4c44Post:4bb76b4a-864c-45cb-8870-de4b80518994">Re: Bridesmaid "Backup"?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I'm going to get flamed for this response, but I was in a similar situation and it all worked out for the best - so the answer comes down to knowing and talking to both of your friends. I would suggest talking to your friend who dropped out first and ask what her opinion on you asking someone else would be.  If she is one of your closest friends, she shouldn't have a problem telling you how that would really make her feel.  If she's okay with it, lay the story out for the girl you want to ask and let her make the decision if she wants to be a bridesmaid.  Let them BOTH know if either one has qualms or feels offended, you will leave things as they are because the last thing you want to do is offend anyone. I also understand setting imits on the size of the bridal party that appear arbitrary to other people.  For me, the limit was how many we could afford to house when they fly in from out of town for the wedding (I have no friends who are local).
    Posted by PrincessJas[/QUOTE]

    Even if she doesn't know better, you should.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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  • PrincessJasPrincessJas member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6f2d05da-97f0-466b-9c1a-9a94682d4c44Post:c422ba20-5ea2-4234-893f-db18c373c158">Re: Bridesmaid "Backup"?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why are the limits on how many you can afford to house? Can't your friends afford hotel rooms? Your wedding party doesn't have to stay at your house.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>All of my friends have recently graduated college or are still in graduate school.  Most of them do not have "real" jobs, many are still paying student loans, or are making it on part-time internships.  It is expensive for all of them to fly to my wedding for three days, and they have all agreed to pay for their dresses and shoes already.  From my personal experience in this position last year, the concept of paying for a hotel room for three days on top of plane flights, rental car, and bridesmaid dress, was almost enough for me to drop out of the wedding - it was too much; the bride's family was so gracious and surprised us with paying for our hotel rooms.  Therefore, we are paying for the wedding party's lodging.  But I am a student myself, on a part-time salary, therefore, cost is still a consideration. </div><div>
    </div><div>And to the PP who commented I should know better, yes, I did.  Because I came to these boards and asked back when it happened.  That is also why I decided to let the friend I asked after my sister dumped me, rudely and publicly while verbally attacking my other bridesmaids along the way, make her own decision.  I did not say, "Would you be a bridesmaid?".  Instead, I told her up front my reasons for not asking her first and how I regretted trying to extend a laurel branch to my sister instead, and how I got burned in the process.  I also pointed out that what I was doing was extraordinarily rude for all of the reasons that have been posted in this thread.  And guess what?  She still was excited to be a bridesmaid because it means she will get to spend extra time with me and our mutual friends before the wedding (which I invited her to do even if she didn't want to be a bridesmaid).</div>
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6f2d05da-97f0-466b-9c1a-9a94682d4c44Post:79b26435-f2f8-4724-8601-22e137e83d9b">Re: Bridesmaid "Backup"?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid "Backup"? : All of my friends have recently graduated college or are still in graduate school.  Most of them do not have "real" jobs, many are still paying student loans, or are making it on part-time internships.  It is expensive for all of them to fly to my wedding for three days, and they have all agreed to pay for their dresses and shoes already.  From my personal experience in this position last year, the concept of paying for a hotel room for three days on top of plane flights, rental car, and bridesmaid dress, was almost enough for me to drop out of the wedding - it was too much; the bride's family was so gracious and surprised us with paying for our hotel rooms.  Therefore, we are paying for the wedding party's lodging.  But I am a student myself, on a part-time salary, therefore, cost is still a consideration.  And to the PP who commented I should know better, yes, I did.  Because I came to these boards and asked back when it happened.  That is also why I decided to let the friend I asked after my sister dumped me, rudely and publicly while verbally attacking my other bridesmaids along the way, make her own decision.  I did not say, "Would you be a bridesmaid?".  Instead, I told her up front my reasons for not asking her first and how I regretted trying to extend a laurel branch to my sister instead, and how I got burned in the process.  I also pointed out that what I was doing was extraordinarily rude for all of the reasons that have been posted in this thread.  And guess what?  She still was excited to be a bridesmaid because it means she will get to spend extra time with me and our mutual friends before the wedding (which I invited her to do even if she didn't want to be a bridesmaid).
    Posted by PrincessJas[/QUOTE]

    "Your standing beside me wasn't worth the price of a hotel room. But now that the sides are uneven I guess I can make an exception" ?
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