Strained Relations with Mother.

GleeBeal

Hello all!
My name is Glee, and I will be getting married in North Carolina on May 29, 2010. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, and my family is not too thrilled about that. We are moving to Colorado in July, and my family is also not thrilled about that, too. 
I have only four more months (EXACTLY) to go and the only problems I am having have to do with dealing with my mother (strangely enough not my MIL!). She feels that we have cut her out of the wedding planning because we don't care about her or because we are selfish and self-centered. It's not that we don't want her input; it's just that every time we talk to her about things, she gets offended and all huffy about how our ideas aren't "proper" or "traditional." 
For example: My fiance' doesn't drink, due to bad experiences with alcohol in his past. He doesn't want alcohol served at the wedding (champagne is allowed, upon my request). My mother argues against this constantly, even after she claims to have let it go. Also, we asked her for a guest list 18 months before the wedding. She gave us a list the week after we sent out save-the-dates (10 months later!). She STILL argues with us about who NEEDS to be invited (the wedding is 4 months away). I feel awful when she asks me things and guilt trips me. I feel like I have to be firm, but it's hard when she makes me feel like I'm a bad person.
Has anyone else felt some sort of strain on their relationship with their mothers during planning for the wedding??? I really need some sort of guidance. I'm trying to remain level-headed and calm, but every conversation wears down my defenses. Any suggestions for trying to remain calm when talking to her, or how to DE-stress, or how to fix this situation? Or is it something that will take time... well after the wedding?        

bablingbrooke

We had a sort-of-similar experience with my MIL.  She said right off the bat that it was the "bride's family's job" to throw the wedding so she didn't want to be involved.  Alright, so my mom starts planning everything (DH and I live 3,000 mi from the wedding and trusted her to do it, and she was paying for most of it anyway).  MIL then gets upset that we're not involving her.  It's like, we thought this was what you wanted?

How we resolved it: We found 2-3 things and gave them to MIL to do and she focused on them thoroughly.  We still got tons of phone calls from her while she agonized over the details, but she was involved and happy.  We weren't bothered with the details of the wedding; so long as we were married at the end of the day and everyone had a good time, we were going to be happy (mission accomplished!).  So could you do that with your mom?  Just say "Mom, we could really use a hand with XYZ..." and then give her completely free reign.  She'll feel in control and involved, you'll get her out of your hair (to a certain degree).

It's not worth arguing over the details of the wedding (decorations, colors, etc.).  You are so busy on the day of that you don't notice them; I didn't even realize the church was decorated until I saw the photos.  Maybe it's because I didn't plan it, but I was more focused on the people and what was happening that day than what the napkins looked like or what flowers were used.  Try focusing on that and you'll find you'll have fewer battles.  Your mom isn't exactly acting mature here, I agree, but since you can't change how she behaves, you can only change how you respond.  I recommend being as zen as possible, realizing what does and doesn't really matter in the end, and trying to make this as positive an experience as possible.  

AliciaBigDork44

Glee, I couldn't possibly sympathize with you any more- my mother is a total nitemare!!! She has turned what should be the happiest time of my life into a scary, miserable experience I can't wait to be over with. From the beginning, she was obSESSED with impressing her friends (she could care less for the details that are personally significant to my fiance and myself), she's put down all of my ideas about the things I want to do myself (favors, etc.)... everything I've made/chosen is WRONG...or the alternative is that she says nothing at all, like when the invitations arrived, we got tons of calls from friends/family to say how much the loved them- my mother didn't even CALL! next time we spoke she said they were "nice." (my fiance and I put so much effort into designing them ourselves...). Everytime I have been excited about something, she belittles it or me and takes away my joy. And, like you, the guest list was a nightmare, it took her a year and a half to turn in the names, and that was after we should have sent them out...I feel like she is subconsiously trying to sabotage the whole day, so she can be right that I did things "wrong" and made "foolish" choices... The truth is she is a control freak and we have always had a poor relationship- i was foolish to think the wedding would change that, bring us closer, etc. etc. What you and I need to realize is that our mothers will never change. All we can change is how we react to them, and how we choose to let them upset us when we interact. I am praying for a smooth last couple of months, but all i keep getting are these nasty surprises. i wish there was a support-group for brides with evil mothers!! good luck to you!! keep us posted....

GleeBeal

Thank you both for your responses! They have been very helpful.

Bablingbrooke: I will try to maintain focus on the end-goal: marrying my fiance'. Also, I will try to remain ZEN. It is very difficult to keep my wits about me when I am around someone who knows exactly where my buttons are and how to push them. She knows what will hurt me, even if she feigns innocence around my fiance'. He's caught on, though. He has seen her in action with belittling my choices in EVERYTHING. However, you are right about the response- thing. She gets the upper-hand in the disagreement the minute I retaliate or argue back. I will work hard on that.

AliciaBigDork44: WOW. Everything you just described is like my situation. We made our save-the-dates, we chose red and white in the summer because he LOVES coca-cola and I love East Asian Studies (my soon-to-be MA's), we made the invitations, I've been making coca-cola bottle cap earrings for the female favors and we bought coca-cola (with real sugar) in glass bottles for the guys, etc... I really felt, based on films about mothers and daughters and the weddings and how the joyous events of marriage bring them together, that we would be closer. 

Instead, she fights me tooth and nail. I won't lie and say that I don't disagree with some of her ideas, but it feels like when she thought she was paying for the wedding, she didn't care at all about my ideas. She plays the martyr when I tell her how I feel: "I would do anything for you" and "Look at how much we gave to you growing up" and "I love my family; how could you think I am that selfish and self-centered?" There are two main reasons we decided to pay for the wedding ourselves:

 Reason #1: my family cannot afford to, despite what they claim. My grandparents told me about their finances AND I have two younger brothers (one in college and the other about to go to college in 2011). I'd rather have my brothers get an education without having to worry about if mom and dad can afford it.

 Reason #2:  Every time we approached my mother on the budget (pre-decision) and the wedding, she would blow us off. Whenever I talked about something I liked or people I wanted there, she would say, "Well, who is paying for this wedding!?" as if that statement (more so than a question) meant that she is supreme leader of the wedding planning. 

 http://mom-zilla.blogspot.com/  

That's my mom-zilla blog. I need to update it, it only has two entries right now, but I'm thinking with experiences like ours, we could make a lot of money with a book or movie lol. It might help you vent, too? I'll update it soon. We had another fight the day I posted this topic. 

Once again, thank you both! If you need to vent, Alicia, I'm here. Because I can relate!!!! :P

AliciaBigDork44

Thanks Glee! thanks for sharing your blog- you are a terrific writer and what a fabulous idea to get all your thoughts out like that, what a great way to let off steam!!! I'm feeling very inspired by your blog.... my finace is an animator and we have joked about creating our own little animated short about my parents, which if for no better reason, would help us let off steam during this wedding planning process! It sounds like our mother's could be the same person.... especially the turning to someone else in front of you to make her comments, instead of addressing you directly... cause she knows how it will get under your skin!! I've been doing a lo of research on Personality Disorders, and from what I've read, it sounds like our mothers are textbook control freaks. Of course it doesn't make it any easier knowing that, but at least it offers me some solace to know that it really is HER not ME (despite how she makes me feel that everything is MY fault!!) and that there are others out there like yourself that are going thru this!! 

It sounds to me like you are doing an excellent job articulating yourself to your mother, and being firm without giving her the emotional reaction she is looking for. And i just love your ideas with the coke bottles, etc.!! So creative and original- your guests will TOTALLY appreciate and REMEMBER this special day, regardless of what your mother, the supposed "expert" may think!!! Think about the weddings you've been to, which ones did or didn't stand out, and what you loved about them... try to keep that perspective when making your decisions about YOUR wedding, and silence her persistent voice in your head.... 

Thanks for letting me vent! keep posting!!

-alicia

GleeBeal

Hey Alicia!
Glad you enjoyed my blog. I'm transfering it to the knot, too. I'll be updating it more and more the closer I get to May. What sort of DIY stuff are you working on? You mentioned before that you were making things that your mother disapproved of.
I am glad to hear that your mom and my mom are from the same cloth haha. I was starting to feel like I was one of the only ones. Most people tell me to switch subjects, but that doesn't work well enough. And don't let my most recent post where I actually stood up fool you! It took a LOT out of me. Just you wait until my next posts on the blog lol. We're back to square one again. Oyvay! lol. Thanks for the compliments on my writing style. I have had to deal with venting (concerning my Mom) for a while. Having a blog is so much easier than keeping a real journal nowadays. Any ideas for your animation? it sounds like a very funny and fun way to vent!!!

~Glee

 

[Deleted User]

I totally understand what everyone is going through. My Mom and I have had a strained relationship since I was a teenager or so. She has caused me much pain and trauma throughout the years. She also has obvious issues that she refuses to get help for. It all started when her and my FI had some words b/c that was when I lived at home and we had just started dating. She was pushing me around and stuff while I was on the phone with her. He wanted to drive a 1hr back to my house to come and get me and take me to his house for the night. He told her off about it. No, he should not have done it in the way he did, but he apologized. My Mom does not forgive and holds grudges forever. She is a very unhappy person, and basically I look at it this way: since she isn't happy, no one else should be. After I first got engaged, she went dress shopping with me once. She pretty much has been non exsistent and non involved since then. My FI and l live out of state due to FI job and are getting married back home, and it would be a whole heck of a lot easier for her to help do things, but she doesn't even offer. She just doesn't care I guess. It is something I struggle with everyday, but with God's help, I am learning to move on, even though it is still hard and she still tries to controll and manipulate me even though I am 650 miles away from her. I am to the point where I don't even care if she comes to the wedding or not. I know its hard, hang in there girls...it will all be worth it in the end.

GleeBeal

MissySue20 (and everyone else, too!):  Thank you for your input. My fiance and my mother also had an exchange when we first started dating. My mother still gave me a curfew of midnight when I was a sophomore in college. She called me and asked to speak to him (since my car had died and he was going to have to drop me off). "Oh, don't worry about the curfew," she purred, "Just bring her home at your convenience." My fiance replied, "Well, honestly, it's most convenient for me to bring her home first thing in the morning, because it's on my way to work." She doesn't like me staying out with ANYBODY, unless she knows the parents and the person and doesn't think they are strange (which she thinks all of my friends are), and she most definitely does not approve of me sleeping over at a guy's place, even if he was going to sleep on the couch. 

She asks for me. Then she starts screaming into the phone that I am manipulative and I knew this would happen. She says some very hurtful things about me. I start crying softly on the phone, "But Mom, I didn't .... it wasn't my.... I'm sorry... " She hangs up angrily. My fiance takes one look at me and tells me to get my things. We drive over there, and he asks for my mother. I still remember the evening vividly. She stands there at the top of the stairs, arms crossed, looking down at us, smirking in a not-so-nice way. She starts asking him about his intentions, because there's about a 4-5 year difference in our ages. He shocks us both by saying if he wasn't in graduate school, he'd be saving for a ring. She takes a different approach, but he interrupts. He actually looked her in the eye and said he disapproved of her parenting. 

At this time, my mother and father would taunt me with car keys ( to a car that my grandpa built for me, that was a birthday gift) that they said they'd give me when they felt I deserved it, or threaten to take away my cell phone (even though I purchased the phone itself and paid for the service). He called her out on her treatment of me. She took my phone away on the spot. She tried manipulating the conversation and others to follow by saying that I misrepresented her and my family. At one point in our relationship, my fiance believed her, until he read her email about how much of a melodramatic and immature child I am. She brings up things that I did in high school...4+ years ago. Never mind how hard I worked in school the first 3 years or how my GPA in college was a 3.6...Instead, she belittled my degrees (Religion and Art History), my interests (East Asian Studies/Japan), my post-college plans (graduate school in Colorado and Ph.D. elsewhere) and my career choice (professor). 

 She even started making me feel like I wasn't a good Christian, because I stopped attending HER church and didn't want her pastor as the officiant (who moved away, thankfully, which settled that argument) and because I am so distant and "secretive" about my wedding planning. My fiance' and I live together now. She covers her ears and goes, "I don't want to hear about that," whenever I say something like, "B and I were getting ready for bed the other night and we thought about [insert something I thought she would like to hear about too... life, love, philosophy]..." I don't think we are living in sin. She does. I know that if this wasn't God's will for my life (as she argues it is not) that I would not have been able to make it through the last 3 years with my fiance. How could I have the faith and strength to make it through the criticism and the hurtful jabs if God didn't agree with my life plan, you know? Never try to bring that up to a religious woman--she will argue that it is your pride and selfishness.

Why am I telling you this? Maybe because I need to vent, maybe because I want you all to know that if your mother is going crazy concerning your fiance or wedding that you're not alone? Or maybe I am doing this because we all deserve to have a sort of support system where we can do both of the above. I love my mother, and I wish that she and I could cooperate long enough to get something done, or that I could trust her with something without her guilt tripping me by telling me that I am ungrateful and selfish for asking this of her after "excluding her" from everything else.

 But, truth be told, these crazy women are still our mothers--mom-zillas, perhaps, but they are our mothers, nonetheless. I want my mother there on my special day; I just want her to bury the hatchet for a day!!! :P And, we will hang in there, right!?

GleeBeal

Karpman Drama Triangle. I just talked to someone about my mother. They said to research this. Seriously. It's helpful!

[Deleted User]

GleeBeal and the other girls: Our stories sound almost the same about the whole curfews and everything even though I was 23 and still living at home at the time. I am with you girl about not being able to get through everything if it weren't for our wonderful FI. I definitely would not be where I am today without him. He has helped me through so much. He helped me get on my own and move out of my parent's house, which allowed our relationship to grow and develop in so many ways.

I agree with you about living together and our Mom's view of it. I live with my FI too, mostly for financial reasons b/c of taking such a huge pay cut when I decided to follow him. I don't think my Mom likes it but more so, I don't think that she likes me living so far away from her, even though she tries to still throw little things out there trying to control me/our lives. Despite the fact that I desperately miss home (esp FI wonderful parents),but I think it is almost best that we start our new lives so far away from her so her influence doesn't get the best of us.

We had a huge falling out (again) which had me a total wreck for days when we went home to visit after Christmas. Part of me wants to cut off all ties with her, but like you said, these women are still our mothers, and it is so hard, a battle I fight everyday. We had eaten dinner at FI uncles house and were supossed to go to my parents afterwards to exchange gifts since were weren't home for Christmas due to FI job. My Mom tried to change the plans at the last minute knowing that we had already had plans to eat at his uncle's house and tried to get us to come their for dinner. It was just another one of her ways to exert control over us. We got over there, walked in the door and she started bellowing at the top of her lungs like she normally does: "you're in big trouble now girl, both of you." I thought what the heck does that mean? Am I a two year old? I fought hard to fight the tears. FI looked at me and said we can go if you want, its your decision. We walked to the car, and then I realized my dress was at my parents house. I walked back in and asked for my dress, that I payed for and she never offered to help with it. She told me "no, I'll take care of it." I said "I payed for it, give me my dress." So my Dad walked into the bedroom and handed me my dress. My Dad is very passive and just takes everything my Mom says and does since he doesn't want to "rock the boat." I got my dress and took it to FI Grandma's house where I know it will be safe and out of her hands. I was afraid if I took it to my Grandma's house when they visited, she woud get it and take it back to their house so she could have control of it. I know that is terrible to think that way, but that is the reality with my Mom, she is just that type of person, I know her like a book. That might have been the last straw, as I have not heard from her since. That is why I don't even care if she is at the wedding at this point.

We went to  talk to the Priest about this b/c I was such a wreck and he told me straight up how to handle the future (being slightly optimistic) with her if we are going to try to have her a part of our lives/children's lives. He also told me that it may come to a point where I have to choose my FI or her. Of course the choice is obvious, even though I still love her. I am going to check out your above post about how to deal with our mother's.

You are right, it does feel good to vent. And I know that I am not alone and the only person in the world with a situation like this. Sometimes I get down and feel like no one else understands except FI and his family without telling them the whole background and history if you know what I mean. Keep your head up high. We will get through this.

blulady48

I can relate to your mother as I was the MOB until.... well let's just say I see the 'other' side of strained relations with the Bride and FH.  My daughter and I had a very close and great bond before the wedding date--we spent lots of time together, shopping, texting, and enjoying time together.  After finding a reception site, the Bride (my daughter) and the FH won't even speak to me or my husband--just like that! I never thought my daughter would be a bridzilla or anything like that--but the relationship between her and my husband (and me) is not strained--it doesn't exist.  I wish we were arguing or talking at least--so be glad you are at least arguing  It's better than not talking at all. Talk about disappointment!! :-(