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GUEST LIST MONSTER - HELP!

sabrina1187sabrina1187
in Moms and Maids
I am so frusterated with my future mother in law. I keep stressing to her that we are trying to keep the guest list down to keep it within budget, but she refuses to trim it. When asked, she said,  "oh no problem. I'll just tell everyone they can't come and my husband and I will be the only people there." I could understand if she was helping to pay, but she's not, it is my parents and my fiance and I.

She is driving me nuts.

I told her we were trying to keep it between 100-150 people and she gives my fiance a list of 75. I even asked her to make an A and B list, but she refuses. My fiance won't say anything to her.

Any advice?????
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Re: GUEST LIST MONSTER - HELP!

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    saisongbirdsaisongbird
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Couple of questions to start...

    Who is paying?  You and your FI?  Your parents?  His parents?  Some combination of the three?

    If they're paying, then they get input.  Including most of the guest list.  However, if they're NOT paying, your FI has the right to say, "We have allotted X number of people for you.  Sabrina1187 has been trying to work with you to get your numbers down, since the list you gave us is over the allotted number.  If you can't make the cuts, then we will make them for you."  However, this ONLY work if his parents aren't paying for anything.

    For us, his parents didn't want to pay for anything, and we got them to agree to pay for their guests, so they could invite as many people as they wanted, and it didn't have a huge effect on my overall budget because the per head price is the biggest piece of it.  My family paid for my DH's guests, but by having DH's parents pay for their guests, they were able to decide what they wanted to spend.

    But it really depends on what your setup is.  So spill, so that we can help better!  Oh, and A/B lists suck.  You might want to eliminate that aspect of it.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you and your FI need to sit down and figure out a guest list that makes sense.  Come up with a budget and determine who must be there.

    Then if FMIL makes a comment about extras, your FI needs to filter the list if it's more than you two have agreed to on the budget.  You two absolutely need to be in agreement with this though and HE needs to also be the one to tell her no.

    I'm confused why he won't say anything.  Can you elaborate?
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list-monster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b34bd8-af9e-4264-b9de-157f3bbf399dPost:e14094f3-9842-4dca-b8ce-27f623fe8efc">GUEST LIST MONSTER - HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am so frusterated with my future mother in law. I keep stressing to her that we are trying to keep the guest list down to keep it within budget, but she refuses to trim it. When asked, she said,  "oh no problem. I'll just tell everyone they can't come and my husband and I will be the only people there." I could understand if she was helping to pay, but she's not, it is my parents and my fiance and I. She is driving me nuts. I told her we were trying to keep it between 100-150 people and she gives my fiance a list of 75. I even asked her to make an A and B list, but she refuses. <strong><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000">My fiance won't say anything to her</font></strong><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000">.</font> Any advice?????
    Posted by sabrina1187[/QUOTE]

    <div>Red flag. Your FI <em>needs</em> to get his big boy pants on and tell HIS mom to cut her list down to X number of people or be prepared for you two to trim it for her. Since your parents and you and your FI are the ones paying then you get the final say on the guest list. So she either needs to fork up some cash for any extras or cut her list or she's going to get it cut for her. This is your FI's problem HE needs to deal with it now or be prepared for him to not stand up to mommy for years to come. </div><div>
    </div>
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list-monster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:80b34bd8-af9e-4264-b9de-157f3bbf399dPost:ece51156-f59c-49c6-8621-2b79ae96e2c7">Re: GUEST LIST MONSTER - HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to GUEST LIST MONSTER - HELP! : Red flag. Your FI needs to get his big boy pants on and tell HIS mom to cut her list down to X number of people or be prepared for you two to trim it for her. Since your parents and you and your FI are the ones paying then you get the final say on the guest list. So she either needs to fork up some cash for any extras or cut her list or she's going to get it cut for her. This is your FI's problem HE needs to deal with it now or be prepared for him to not stand up to mommy for years to come. 
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    Couldn't have been said better. If you guys are paying, you get to set the limits. Your FI' parents either get x number of people or you make the list and start cutting people until you have your number.

    And please don't have a b-list.
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    TiaMatthewTiaMatthew
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    UGH!  WHy can't everyone just act like adults?  If they aren't even paying, then why should they have the most people there?  I would nip it in the but now before it gets worse!
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    tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FI mother = FI's problem.  He should give her a set number that she can invite and make it clear that if she goes over, HE will decide who is invited and who is left off.

    The fact that he won't get involved should be scaring the hell out of you.  The way he is going, he will never be your husband and will always be mama's boy.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If he can't stand up to his mother now, he never will, and you can't say that you didn't know what you were getting into.
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    JennaV26JennaV26
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I was in your same boat. Even after we convinced them to cut it down and invitations went out all I heard was "Oh so-and-so is going to be so upset that they didn't get an invitation," and "I really wish we could invite this person and that person." Then FIL sent my parents an email and said he had told people we had sent invitations to that they could bring other people. It was such a pain to deal with. And my parents were LIVID.

    Try talking to her and if she doesn't cut her list then tell her you'll be the one deciding who on her list is invited when you send out invitations, because you won't be sending invitations to all of them.

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    Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Like the ladies above said...it is his mother and he needs to man up and tell her.  The two of you need to be a single unit standing together.  If she threatens to invite no one, smile and say we are sorry you feel that way and change the subject.  Tell her how many people she can invite (people...not how many invitations she gets) and what date you need them by.  Tell her that if you don't have a list by that, you will assume that she doesn't need any and will adjust your list accordingly.  THEN, you refuse to discuss it any more...at all.  She is doing this because it has worked for her in the past.

    Your fiance needs to get on this now...or you will be dealing with this kind of behavior for your entire marriage.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You should call her bluff. The next time she says she just won't invite anyone to the wedding, tell her okay, the problem is solve then.
    I agree the pps though, your fi should sit down with his mom and help her cut the guest list to a manageable number. If she won't cooperate, he could do it for her. This should not be an argument between you and your fils.
                       
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    catemegcatemeg
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree that you should call her bluff - just let her know that unless she can give you a list that is under X amount of people, you will just have FI write the family and friends from his side that HE wants to attend, and that will be who you invite.  End of story.

    And yeah, definitely remind him that this is also HIS wedding, so he needs to be involved and deal with this situation.  It's his mother, so by not getting involved he is indirectly making you the bad guy.  If he lets her know the facts of the situation ('cut the guest list or else I'll do it for you'), even if she's still a pain in the neck then at least you know you both are on the same page.
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    amatadeiamatadei member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We took a more diplomatic route that has seemed to work for us..... It also helped to solidify us as a couple so that, if problems do arise, we are a unit together....

    So, here's what we did... Together, FI and I made a list of all the people we wanted to be there. Then, we asked both sets of parents to give us their wish list of people they would like to be there. Then, based on the numbers we crunched, we created our guest list and showed the parents and asked if there were any catastrophes on there, with the understanding that we would do our best to fix any major objections but that we could not guarantee it.

    Mind you, my parents are paying for the entire wedding, but that way it was fair to everyone. It is our wedding and so the guest list should be reflective of with whom we would like to celebrate our union together. Reminding parents of that can sometimes be a good idea, no matter who is footing the bill.
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    JulieJ11JulieJ11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm with everyone else - FI needs to step up. Another possibility for your FMIL (IF you have the space at your venue) is to say, "we can afford to invite X people from your list. If you would like to include more people, the cost is X per head. You will be responsible for any extra guests." That way, if it is soooo important to her, SHE can invite them and YOU can stay within budget. Set boundaries early or you're going to be struggling with her forever. This, of course, only works if you have space in your venue and you're actually interested in these people coming. 
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    amjung2103amjung2103 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I feel your pain - sunday night, when my FI was talking to his dad - our guest list grew by 20 ppl.  Normally I wouldnt have cared - we would have trimmed the guest list in other areas - but the wedding is in less than 10 weeks, and when i was sending out save the dates we didnt have this info (thanks FFIL :-/)

    Now we have no where to trim b/c save the dates went out 6 months ago to our original guest list... sigh ... heres to hoping the 5+ hr drive will deter these extras from making it ...
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    rae19rae19 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    We had same issue. We figured out our budget, and he told FI's mom and dad (dad is remarried) number of guests we would pay for. Mind you, FI's dad is paying for RD, FI for honeymoon & extras, my parents and I are splitting EVERYTHING else down the middle. We told FMIL she could invite as many as she wanted but we were only paying for X guests and would require a check from her up front for the rest. (Not counting extra cost in favors, invites, linens, centerpieces, etc, the list goes on!) FMIL flipped out at first, but she did end up inviting everyone she wanted to - paying same price per head. And FI drew the line in the sand, which made me happy :)

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