Moms and Maids

Accosted by Mother-in-Law...YES, this really happened! I need adivce!

I have never posted on a blog before, but I truly don't know where else to go.  I'll start right in. My fiance and I were invited to a going away cookout yesterday for one of his family members.  We weren't there 20 minutes before we were summoned to a back bedroom by his mother (who up until this has been completely happy, warm, sensible, and willing to do whatever to make our wedding planning easy on us) and accosted.  First she started on us about not being involved in the planning of the rehearsal dinner.  Mind you, we haven't even planned this yet!  We made plans just 2 days ago to meet with a restaurant this week because that is what my future father-in-law told us to do. (He is out of state, paying for rehearsal dinner but cannot be here to give his input-they are divorced, also).  While we tried to defend ourselves saying that nothing has been planned and that we honestly didn't know she was involved in the paying for or planning of rehearsal dinner, she then started telling us she feels left out and un-involved.  She started complaining about the fact that we picked Thursday night instead of Friday night before the wedding.  She said "What if my boyfriend can't make it?".  I was shocked...this person isn't even her boyfriend, she wasn't even scheduled to have a guest since she isn't in a relationship and is IN the wedding party, and she is complaining about that??  I am so confused!  When we tried to explain that we picked this day so that we could spend Friday getting preparted for the wedding and spending time with our wedding party or out of state family (like my fiances FATHER!) she said, "What about me?  What am I supposed to do that day?  Nothing involves me!".  One thing led to another and this went on for 1.5hrs while an entire family cookout was going on right outside.  She cried, she yelled, she told us she feels like she knows nothing that is going on (For the record, she has been kept up to date on everything..she's even seen MY dress!) and made even my quiet, shy, confrontation-free fiance so upset he screamed at her.  It was truly an unbeliebable situation and I am totally unsure of what to do from here. She had no true examples of what she doesn't know about our wedding planning and then said our relationship is "forced" (hers and mine). This really hurt me so much that I said I wanted to leave and that I was very uncomfortable in this situation and felt I was caught way off guard. She told me to "Take it down a notch"....HUH??? Oh my goodness, I am beyond blown away by this display of true craziness and my fiance is even more upset. Is she on prescription pills? Is she drinking? Do weddings really make people THIS insane?? HELP! We are still 3 months out and she told me she's "afraid" to ask me if there is a bridal room at the hall that she can keep a bag in on the day of the wedding...that is her big concern, and the only example she could come up with for something she is unaware of.  How do people get through this?? Our shower is 3 weeks away and I don't know how I'm going to be able to talk to her by then.

Re: Accosted by Mother-in-Law...YES, this really happened! I need adivce!

  • Your FI needs to have a serious face to face with his mother and tell her that if she has a problem with any part of the wedding planning  then she is to talk to him.  If she has any questions, she can ask either one of you.  It's a good sign that he was willing to stand up to her even though you say he is nonconfrontational. 

    I have a feeling that she was probably talking to some other MOG or former MOG at this family cookout who kept asking a lot of questions and/or gushed about her DIL and how involved she was in the wedding. If this was out of the blue, something triggered it.  Try seeing if a cooling off period will help - but your FI still needs to have that talk with her (his family = his problem).
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accosted-by-mother-in-lawyes-this-really-happened-i-need-adivce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:838b380d-6bb6-4c45-aa08-4b34582fc3bePost:ec8bfa27-f22d-4151-943b-1716c2dad2dc">Re: Accosted by Mother-in-Law...YES, this really happened! I need adivce!</a>:
    [QUOTE]  I have a feeling that she was probably talking to some other MOG or former MOG at this family cookout who kept asking a lot of questions and/or gushed about her DIL and how involved she was in the wedding. If this was out of the blue, something triggered it.  Try seeing if a cooling off period will help - but your FI still needs to have that talk with her (his family = his problem).
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    ^^That^^ or she got wind of the fact that FFIL initiated a plan for the rehearsal dinner.

    Whatever the reason for her outrageous behaviour, you do should not have stayed in the interrogation room, once the hysterics started. You could have walked out of that room and left Fi to deal with her.

    It would be in your best interest to allow FMIL to bring a date with her to the RD and wedding - unless you and he want her undivided attention. It's common practice to allow wedding party members a date. But unless she is an honor attendant bridesmaid or groomswoman, she is not actually in the wedding party.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accosted-by-mother-in-lawyes-this-really-happened-i-need-adivce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:838b380d-6bb6-4c45-aa08-4b34582fc3bePost:a1307000-7cea-4bbe-8326-56c01010aaa8">Accosted by Mother-in-Law...YES, this really happened! I need adivce!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have never posted on a blog before,<div><strong>This is a message board, not a blog.</strong></div><div> but I truly don't know where else to go.  I'll start right in. My fiance and I were invited to a going away cookout yesterday for one of his family members.  We weren't there 20 minutes before we were summoned to a back bedroom by his mother (who up until this has been completely happy, warm, sensible, and willing to do whatever to make our wedding planning easy on us) and accosted.  First she started on us about not being involved in the planning of the rehearsal dinner.  Mind you, we haven't even planned this yet!  We made plans just 2 days ago to meet with a restaurant this week because that is what my future father-in-law told us to do. (He is out of state, paying for rehearsal dinner but cannot be here to give his input-they are divorced, also).  While we tried to defend ourselves saying that nothing has been planned and that we honestly didn't know she was involved in the paying for or planning of rehearsal dinner, she then started telling us she feels left out and un-involved.  She started complaining about the fact that we picked Thursday night instead of Friday night before the wedding.  She said "What if my boyfriend can't make it?".  I was shocked...this person isn't even her boyfriend, she wasn't even scheduled to have a guest since she isn't in a relationship and is IN the wedding party, and she is complaining about that?? </div><div><strong>Well, clearly she does consider him her boyfriend since she called him that, so you do need to invite him to the wedding and RD. And why would being in the wedding party bar her from having a date? All wedding party members should get a date regardless of if they're in a relationship because they're your nearest and dearest and are standing up to support your marriage.</strong></div><div> I am so confused!  When we tried to explain that we picked this day so that we could spend Friday getting preparted for the wedding and spending time with our wedding party or out of state family (like my fiances FATHER!) she said, "What about me?  What am I supposed to do that day?  Nothing involves me!".  One thing led to another and this went on for 1.5hrs while an entire family cookout was going on right outside.  She cried, she yelled, she told us she feels like she knows nothing that is going on (For the record, she has been kept up to date on everything..she's even seen MY dress!) and made even my quiet, shy, confrontation-free fiance so upset he screamed at her.  It was truly an unbeliebable situation and I am totally unsure of what to do from here. She had no true examples of what she doesn't know about our wedding planning and then said our relationship is "forced" (hers and mine). This really hurt me so much that I said I wanted to leave and that I was very uncomfortable in this situation and felt I was caught way off guard. She told me to "Take it down a notch"....HUH??? Oh my goodness, I am beyond blown away by this display of true craziness and my fiance is even more upset. Is she on prescription pills? Is she drinking? Do weddings really make people THIS insane?? HELP! We are still 3 months out and she told me she's "afraid" to ask me if there is a bridal room at the hall that she can keep a bag in on the day of the wedding...that is her big concern, and the only example she could come up with for something she is unaware of.  How do people get through this?? Our shower is 3 weeks away and I don't know how I'm going to be able to talk to her by then.
    Posted by Andreacgalasso1[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>Since your fiancé is obviously on your side in this, he needs to tell her to present any concerns/questions/suggestions/requests clearly and calmly and the two of you will be happy to respond to them. You are not mindreaders and didn't know she was even upset about any of these things. We (or rather, H) got a bit of this from his mother, and he explained to her that she hadn't mentioned feeling left out before and she needed to tell us what she wanted instead of holding it in and exploding at him.</div><div>
    </div><div>In her case, though, the outburst turned out to be the result of finding out that H's sister was five months pregnant on Mother's Day after getting married in March. So.... yeah.

    </div>
    image
  • Oh I'm sorry I used the wrong Internetposting lingo. I've never posted to a message board, excuse me! In any case I've never taken to the Internet to share feelings. And actually, even bridal party members who are not in relationships are not required to have a date. This IS a common situation. Also, she never called him her boyfriend, she called him by nameI just chose to leave the name out. She referred to him as her "friend" after my fianc confronted her about inviting this random person who no one even knows. I think it's unnecessary to invite people who truly don't mean anything to anyone especially since my family is paying for the entire wedding, and many others agree with this. So thanks for the corrections to my "message board" posting but no thanks.
  • AND if her main concern is whether or not her "friend" can make it to our rehearsal dinner I'd say some priorities are out of whack just a little...
  • We just got married a month ago (a month today actually!) and my MIL was involved in the rehearsal dinner and that was pretty much it. Traditionally the Bride's family is responsible for the wedding day and the Groom's family is responsible for the rehearsal and dinner. As far as involving her in the wedding planning...my suggestion is to plan it and just keep her informed as to what's going on. Give her enough to keep her happy, but not enough that she's planning everything. My MIL and I get along great (I'm actually closer to her than her own two daughters), but I did my own thing with my mother and basically told her what had been planned and asked her opinion from time to time. Good Luck with everything!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • >> I am totally unsure of what to do from here

    Nothing.
    She is FI's mom, and therefore HIS business to deal with.

    Although when you heard from FI's dad regarding the RD, the second the phone was hung up, FI should have called his mother and scheduled a meeting / lunch with her to start the planning.  FI's dad told you that HE will pay for it but can't plan it.  Well, that means that FI's MOTHER will be planning it.  You and FI should not have contacted some restaurant about it.

    And there's no way I would stay 1.5 hours to be yelled at by FI's mom in a back bedroom.  F that.  I'd give her 30 minutes and then say I have to make a phone call and walk out.  And if FI didn't follow in about 10 more minutes, I'd poke my head into that bedroom and hold up my phone and say, "I'm sorry but I have to leave right now.  Do you want to drive me or should I call a cab?"
  • At anytime during your FMIL's fit, you or FI should have said, "I cannot talk to you when you are like this.  Calm down and we will discuss this rationally at another time."  Then both walked out of the room. 

    You have done everything right so far.  GLB is probably right in that someone was talking up their childs wedding and all the plans and your FMIL suddenly felt she had no idea what was going on.

    Let there be a long cooling off period.  At the shower, be cordial to your FMIL for the sake of how YOU could be looked at by family for being rude or giving FMIL the silent treatment. 

    You are very emotional right now, rightfully so, you need to step back from this situation and take a deep breath.  Let your FI handle his mother. 
  • edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accosted-by-mother-in-lawyes-this-really-happened-i-need-adivce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:838b380d-6bb6-4c45-aa08-4b34582fc3bePost:419c484c-7d2b-4503-a70b-fa0a969eb5ec">Re:Accosted by MotherinLaw...YES, this really happened! I need adivce!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh I'm sorry I used the wrong Internetposting lingo. I've never posted to a message board, excuse me! In any case I've never taken to the Internet to share feelings. And actually, even bridal party members who are not in relationships are not required to have a date. This IS a common situation<strong>. Also, she never called him her boyfriend, she called him by nameI just chose to leave the name out.</strong> She referred to him as her "friend" after my fianc confronted her about inviting this random person who no one even knows. I think it's unnecessary to invite people who truly don't mean anything to anyone especially since my family is paying for the entire wedding, and many others agree with this.<strong> So thanks for the corrections to my "message board" posting but no thanks.</strong>
    Posted by Andreacgalasso1[/QUOTE]

    My good friend is 72 years old. She has a lover, who she is crazy about. She calls him her friend, because he is not a boy : )  and calling him her lover would probably make her kids feel a little bit uncomfortable. At any rate, it's not anyone else's place to judge the importance of FMIL's relationship.

    My intent was not to correct you. I am suggesting that if your FMIL is occupied by her friend at your wedding, she will have less time to spend with her son, which is probably a good thing. If the friend can't make the Thursday RD, then he can't. That's not your problem.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accosted-by-mother-in-lawyes-this-really-happened-i-need-adivce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:838b380d-6bb6-4c45-aa08-4b34582fc3bePost:34622e68-a271-41d1-85b3-deebdac870b4">Re: Accosted by Mother-in-Law...YES, this really happened! I need adivce!</a>:
    [QUOTE] />> I am totally unsure of what to do from here Nothing. She is FI's mom, and therefore HIS business to deal with. Although when you heard from FI's dad regarding the RD, the second the phone was hung up, FI should have called his mother and scheduled a meeting / lunch with her to start the planning.<strong>  FI's dad told you that HE will pay for it but can't plan it.  Well, that means that FI's MOTHER will be planning it. </strong> You and FI should not have contacted some restaurant about it. And there's no way I would stay 1.5 hours to be yelled at by FI's mom in a back bedroom.  F that.  I'd give her 30 minutes and then say I have to make a phone call and walk out.  And if FI didn't follow in about 10 more minutes, I'd poke my head into that bedroom and hold up my phone and say, "I'm sorry but I have to leave right now.  Do you want to drive me or should I call a cab?"
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    No, it doesn't.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accosted-by-mother-in-lawyes-this-really-happened-i-need-adivce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:838b380d-6bb6-4c45-aa08-4b34582fc3bePost:34622e68-a271-41d1-85b3-deebdac870b4">Re: Accosted by Mother-in-Law...YES, this really happened! I need adivce!</a>:
    [QUOTE] />> I am totally unsure of what to do from here Nothing. She is FI's mom, and therefore HIS business to deal with. Although when you heard from FI's dad regarding the RD, the second the phone was hung up, FI should have called his mother and scheduled a meeting / lunch with her to start the planning.  <strong>FI's dad told you that HE will pay for it</strong> <strong>but</strong> <strong>can't</strong> <strong>plan it.  Well, that means that FI's MOTHER</strong> <strong>will be planning it.</strong>  You and FI should not have contacted some restaurant about it. And there's no way I would stay 1.5 hours to be yelled at by FI's mom in a back bedroom.  F that.  I'd give her 30 minutes and then say I have to make a phone call and walk out.  And if FI didn't follow in about 10 more minutes, I'd poke my head into that bedroom and hold up my phone and say, "I'm sorry but I have to leave right now.  Do you want to drive me or should I call a cab?"
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    In what world??
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • I would have walked out.  Yes let her bring a date maybe she wont go BSC around him and lay off for the day of the rehersal and wedding.  FFI has told you and FI to find a place because HE was paying for rehersal and unless the FMIL is then she needs to back off.   I agree that your FI should have time to spend with his father since he lives far away.  If this is a group of people going out invite mil and her bf and she will not show or be quiet.  I assume she always has best foot forward where her BF is concerned? 
    I would send an email addressing all her questions.  with info I attained today.   put your bag in a trunk is what I would have said.
  • Sounds like she's also having some trouble with the idea of letting him go. Is he the youngest by any chance? She may be putting a front on with her previous behavior but I would proceed with caution from here on out. This is you and your finace's wedding, not hers. While she can be involved...she needs to back off on the demands. I'm so sorry you had to go through that!

    I agree with RetreadBride, your Finace needs to address this. And it is abuse. She's trying to get her way through manipulation!
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