A bridesmaid who did';t want to be my Chief? Long, sorry!

MissusS2be

Hello all,
This really is a bit of a confusing situation with a friend of mine. We've been friends about 3 years and she had the idea I should propose to my then boyfriend, Matt. I wasn't up for proposing to him but as we were going through some hellish times I got him a promise ring which he loved, anyway!
However, when Matt popped the question last year (3rd February- under the stars, more on that later!) I was eager to ask my mate to be my Chief Bridesmaid as she'd been so great with helping me plan it all. Sure we had our differences in our ideas of a good hen night, but I took her to one of our favourite pubs and asked her over a drink if she'd like to be my chief bridesmaid. Normally, when you ask a girl that question, they gets all cooey and doey-eyed about being involved in a wedding. Instead, she just told me that she doesn't know because of her commitments with work and charity work. Thinking I'd be considerate, I asked her if she would just like to be a bridesmaid, to take some of the pressure off, which she agreed to.

Now, here's my problem. Between times we have as good as fallen apart. I've arranged to meet her for catch up chats several times and each time she's really stressed and can't make it, when I see her she's bogged down with other people's problems and asks me for advice (I'm a carer, so I have my own matters to worry about as well). we both did some charity work but she'd ask me to donate my recipes to her charity, ask to sell her produce at my pitch and generally inundate me with her charity woes. Only by my assertive attitude did I manage to keep our efforts separate and keep my cake sales for my chosen charity, which she promptly never turned up at since.
Everytime we chat I have to initiate the conversation by text, we arrange to meet up and the same thing happens. Unfortunately, I've decided to cut my losses and realise our friendship is probably not salvagable without maximum effort. I still have 2 bridesmaids, a chief bridesman and a flower girl, but I think I have to let my third bridesmaid go. What do you think and how do I tell her? Thanks

kmmssg

I see you are from Europe.  Is a Chief Bridesmaid what we might call the Maid of Honor here in the US?  I am unfamiliar with that term.

I can tell you that you have chosen your bridal party FAR too early!  You aren't getting married for another 2 years and that can spell disaster.  Waiting until your are within the one year mark to ask your bridal party is a wise idea as relationships change and people grow apart.  Seems like this has happened to you.

I can tell you that you will not get responses here supporting getting rid of her in your bridal party.  There is absolutely nothing at all anyone needs to be doing right now for your wedding, so you don't even need to deal with this right now.

You can spend the next year or so working on your relationship with her, seeing where it goes and maybe things will work themselves out.  Even if they don't, she has done nothing to justify being fired from your wedding (unless she is sleeping with your FI or has become a hard core addict/alcolic/criminal).

It sounds like you have tried to get together with her for non-wedding related things and that is great.  That is exactly what many here would tell you to do.  Let your relationship run its' course but do not fire her.  Once you ask someone, albeit far too early, you are stuck.  She may drop out on her own, but you can't fire her.

Do you think she needs a bit of a friend intervention regarding how overwhelmed she is allowing her charity work to become?  Sounds like it is taking over her life and maybe she doesn't know how to back out a bit and get her life back under control.

I wish you the best of luck.  Remember, let the friendship run its' course and don't fire her!

em01092

Everything kmm said.