Moms and Maids

Mom-in-law feeling left out

My parents are footing the bill for mine & my fiance's rather large wedding. Partially because they are traditional and also because my huge family makes up for 85% of the guest list. My mom and I have been tackling and taking care of wedding duties since I got engaged in Feburary. We have gotten a lot accomplished and I'm so happy with the way things are coming along. 
My "problem" is that my soon to be mother-in-law, who lives in another state, is feeling left out. This is my fiance's 2nd marriage and my first. His mom was very hurt the first time he got married because it was a quickie court house wedding that she was not even aware was happening. 
I don't know what I can do to help her feel more a part of things. Weekly phone call updates? Emails update with pictures, info about what we've been doing? Your ideas/suggestions are appreciated. 

Re: Mom-in-law feeling left out

  • It really depends on her, to be honest. If she's the type of person who prefers phone calls, do that. If she's an email and facebook junkie, include her that way. People love to be included and consulted for decisions. Choose some items you and your mom are ok with not completely controlling, and bring FMIL in on it. Make sure it's not something really trite like napkins though.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • You could ask her if she would like to do the seating chart for her side of the family, make favors, do a reading for the ceremony or say grace before the meal or the at the RD, pick the song for the mother/son dance. Ask her if there are any family customs that  you could include.

    Your idea of keeping her informed is good, whether by phone or email.

                       
  • I'm having the same problem.  I call her after I get a lot of the major stuff done and tell her about it, and ask for her opinion on some of the stuff (like the centerpieces).  I showed her a picture of my dress, and I've asked for advice about some stuff, but mostly I like doing things on my own.

    She's planning the rehersal dinner so that's all her.  I think the trick is to make an effort and show her that you want her included.  It's just not practical for her to be involved with everything if she lives a distance away, but if you can keep her informed, I'm sure it will go a long way!
  • We included his mom by inviting her to go dress shopping and creating gift bags for out of town guests. Plus, she handled organizing and creating invitations for the rehearsal dinner.
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited October 2012
    The groom's family hosts the RD.  So FI needs to work with her to visit some websites of RD-possible places, and schedule tasting visits.  Then she needs to come to the wedding town and do the tasting visits and talk to the people in each place, then pick a place and work with those people to set the details from menu to napkin color to decorations, then sign the contract.  Then she has plenty to do to prepare any DIY things for the RD, and the RD invitations and mail them, then collect the RSVPs for the RD, etc.  Sounds to me like she's got a ton to do.

    And before you say she won't come to the wedding town to do the tasting visits, I know two women who flew with their husbands to the wedding towns to do this - that's from FLORIDA to BALTIMORE in one case and from FLORIDA to VERMONT in the other case.  So people really DO take this RD planning quite seriously.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-in-law-feeling-left-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8f95632d-6d0e-426c-a92e-848b5571fc80Post:4ca4b088-c28b-413d-adee-c2f879bd40e0">Re: Mom-in-law feeling left out</a>:
    [QUOTE]The groom's family hosts the RD.  So FI needs to work with her to visit some websites of RD-possible places, and schedule tasting visits.  Then she needs to come to the wedding town and do the tasting visits and talk to the people in each place, then pick a place and work with those people to set the details from menu to napkin color to decorations, then sign the contract.  Then she has plenty to do to prepare any DIY things for the RD, and the RD invitations and mail them, then collect the RSVPs for the RD, etc.  Sounds to me like she's got a ton to do. And before you say she won't come to the wedding town to do the tasting visits, I know two women who flew with their husbands to the wedding towns to do this - that's from FLORIDA to BALTIMORE in one case and from FLORIDA to VERMONT in the other case.  So people really DO take this RD planning quite seriously.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    FFS.  I don't know what effing time warped place you actually live in but in the rest of the US, the bride and groom plan and host the RD the same as they host the wedding.

    OP - call your FMIL and ask her if there is anything that she would like to do to help out.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • I had the same problem with my FMIL. I had a talk with my fiance about it, and he helped me understand that she doesn't have any daughters, and she only has one son, so she won't ever get to help with this kind of stuff again. Anyhow, my FMIL makes really nice jewelry. So I asked her if she would make my wedding jewelry. And I think that she's really enjoying it. I also try to give her frequent updates about decisions we make. So maybe, if there's something your FMIL does really well (like jewelry, flowers, sew, paint, decorate) she could help incorporate that into your wedding.
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