MIL went from wonderful to ungrateful and crazy!

lisa12982

I need to vent and I need some advice.

MairePoppy

Weddings sometimes bring out 'the crazies' in moms.You should have asked FMIL to submit a guest list of X number or people for your wedding, no more. She should not have access to any of your invitations, so she won't be tempted to just add a few more guests. Give your Fi credit for standing up to his mom and encourage him to continue setting boundaries.

It is absurd of your FMIL to expect you to go to her church so that the ladies will give you a shower. That is called 'using people.' You should make it very plain to her that you will not participate in that ruse.

I would not say she is being hypocritical in the way she uses her money. She is being CONTROLLING. Tell her you are having ONE reception, the one that you and Fi are planning. Don't try to sugar coat it. Pushy people have to be dealt with in a straightforward manner.

If FMIL continues to give you a hard time, which I'm sure she will, make an appointment with her spiritual advisor or pastor. He/she may be able to set up a few counseling sessions with her (and maybe her son).




 

misschase3

This is the norm for FMIL apparently. Just breathe. All will be well if you STAND YOUR GROUND and say no as many times as necessary. Ask your fiance to speak to her about the second reception, and tell her NO. Whatever you do DO NOT TAKE A CHECK FROM HER. She not only will invite the people she wants there, but she also will began to tell you that she thinks the napkins should be this color....the venue should be this one.....etc. Be wary

quotequeen

Church showers are generally the exception to the rule that people invited to the shower have to be invited to the wedding.  However, since this is not your church, I don't think it's particularly appropriate, so I would decline the shower.

As for the extra reception, your FMIL wants to have a party with her friends.  That she is willing to spend money on that and not give you more money for your honeymoon is really none of your business.  It would probably cause a big rift for you to refuse to go to a reception she planned for you.  Is it really a big deal to put on a dress and show up, even if you don't know most of the people?

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-went-wonderful-ungrateful-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:97dc1f1d-2669-468b-a9fb-291698034568Post:488a96bd-b9ed-4a56-869f-4cb35d6d6d4b">MIL went from wonderful to ungrateful and crazy!</a>:
[QUOTE]I need to vent and I need some advice. I have heard the stories that the MIL is so wonderful until you get engaged.  I've been engaged for 6 months now and everything has been going smoothly, until yesterday. My FMIL has been making comments to my fiancee that we need to invite more and more people.  I never wanted a big wedding to begin with.  I wanted 130 MAX.  The final guest list is now at 170 which is way above what I wanted and I have a funny feeling the majority of these people are going to show up since they live locally.  My side of the list, my fiancee knows about 95% of them.  My fiancee's side of the list, I probably know about 30% of them which is nuts! <strong>I don't really know why that is a problem. You can meet more people who are a part of his life.</strong> I never wanted a bunch of people at a wedding that I didn't know, and it looks like it's turning into that. <strong>You will really be too busy on your wedding day to notice or care.</strong>  She doesn't seem to realize that it's about $200.00 a couple to attend the wedding, I guess she feels since she's not forking out the money for all of this, that it's ok for her to keep inviting and inviting!!  I am to the point where I want to say, if you want them there, you can write a check out for this amount to my parents then UGHHHH!!! <strong>Yes you should have said that but since it sounds like invites have already gone out</strong> <strong>you have to live with the fact that you let her walk over you and your FI. </strong>My fiancee says he's "taken" care of the problem by telling his mother we cannot have anyone else added.  He's told her this 3 times now in the past few months, but it seems like she still pushes.  Well yesterday she told my fiancee that me and him needed to start coming to his families church b/c they were going to give us a shower!!!  Ok, problem #1.  Only a few people from his church are invited and the couple supposedly hosting weren't even invited.  Problem #2, if these people give us a shower and invite others not invited to the wedding, they will expect an invite (and they should!). <strong>Churches are an exception to this rule because of the different dynamics of a congregation. They will not expect an invitation to the wedding.</strong> I had to tell my fiancee to tell his mom that we could not do that.  It's in poor taste and I  know she knows this, but I guess she "thought" it was a good idea?!?  I don't understand why FMIL didn't put a stop to it, or say, that's a very nice gesture, but they are keeping the wedding small and intimate. Supposedly after my fiancee told his mom we couldn't add anymore people, she then told him that she would throw a "second reception" for all those who were not invited initially.  This is what set me off.  First of all, I don't know these people, second of all, I am having a reception with the people I love and are closest to me. It seems to me that she feels this is more about her and not me and her son! What seems even more hipocritcal, she only gave us a certain amount of money for the honeymoon and said she couldn't give us anymore than that (trust me, I am grateful for what she gave), but she can turn around and throw us another reception with a bunch of people me and even my fiancee don't know!!?!?! <strong>You can tell her not to throw you another reception but she could be as rich as Bill Gates and doesn't have to give you a single penny. So it really doesn't matter that she has more money because its HER money.</strong> Please, advice needed.  I really don't feel I should be obligated to attend this "after wedding reception" and I don't know how to go about telling her that it's not necessary.  She's so darn pushy, that I"m afraid she's going to push it on us, regardless of what I say.
Posted by lisa12982[/QUOTE]

Tell her that you appreciate the offer but you really have to decline because you are not comfortable with the idea. If she pushes more just change the subject. Also you FI should back you up on this and if he doesn't you don't have a FMIL problem you have a FI problem

JennaV26

It sounds to me like your FI isn't quite getting the message accross, or maybe she's not listening to him. People on here will say to let him deal with his parents but thewith only way I get my points accross for my FILs is to call them myself.

DISCLAIMER: The following is probably horrible advice, but I'd do it!!!!!

If I were you I'd go through the guestlist with your FI, mail the invitations yourselves, take off some of the randoms his mom wants to invite and then tell her you didn't have the budget to invite everybody so here's a list of the people you cut. She'll throw a fit.... but one day the wedding will be over and she'll get over it.

hd7694

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-went-wonderful-ungrateful-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:97dc1f1d-2669-468b-a9fb-291698034568Post:c405a192-c306-4446-8c5c-c1b27fb78533">Re: MIL went from wonderful to ungrateful and crazy!</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds to me like your FI isn't quite getting the message accross, or maybe she's not listening to him. People on here will say to let him deal with his parents but thewith only way I get my points accross for my FILs is to call them myself. DISCLAIMER: The following is probably horrible advice, but I'd do it!!!!! If I were you I'd go through the guestlist with your FI, mail the invitations yourselves, take off some of the randoms his mom wants to invite and then tell her you didn't have the budget to invite everybody so here's a list of the people you cut. She'll throw a fit.... but one day the wedding will be over and she'll get over it.
Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]

This is what I would do!  IIn cases like this I wouldn't keep harping on FI to talk to mom again and again.  I would tell FMIL myself that this is NOT happening.  She is going to keep on doing whatever she wants because she can.  I wouldn't be a doormat for anyone.  If FMIL was paying for the whole wedding, well that is a different situation altogether. 

The shower at the church is different than a regular shower.   My FI's and F-IL's church is doing the same thing for me.  I am not a member of the church.

graysquirrel

I think that you need to be very honest with her and like the idea mentioned about cutting the list yourself. Perhaps focusing on the money part will work better than the uncomfortable part. Even though she should be good enough to respect your feelings, she obviously doesn't. I don't know what your budget is like, but if my FMIL did that to me, I'd explain how that would RUIN us financially. No mother wants that for her son.

suz62984

If FI has told her several times that she cannot add anyone else and she isn't listening than it may be time for him to say "mom, for each guest over _#_ whom attend from your list you will need to pay for them. The cost is $100/person. This is the only way that they will be able to attend."

My FMIL knows I am paying for the wedding myself. She gave me a list of people she wanted and I commented that it was a little large and we wouldn't be able to afford all of the guests. She offered to pay for each guest/family member over 50 that attend from their side. She also decided to cut her list down on her own after I told her how much it would be per person.

This is going to be uncomfortable but i'm so very glad that your FI is handling her, as it is his mother! For what it is worth I don't think she is trying to be a burden. It seems like she is just really happy and excited from your post.

lisa12982

Thank you all for your responses!!  I hope she really is just excited, it's just she feels like adding about 60 more people is nothing.  Like it won't cost that much more to add that many people.
My fiancee and I actually sat down last night, tweaked the list, explained to my side why we tweaked and got it back to what we originally wanted which was 175 guests.  My fiancee took his mom out to lunch today and explained the budget, explained the cost for my parents, explained the tweaking made, and explained the caligrapher already had them (she really gets them tomorrow) and that was that.  Nothing else could be made of adding anyone else.  I took all the invitations with the exception of one so the caligrapher knew what they looked like and put them aside.  I told my fiancee that I would not be giving out any invitations and that once the evelopes came back I would stuff them and send them based on the final guest list.
I didn't realize it was a normal thing for showers to be thrown without an invitation.  It is a nice gesture, but I didnt think it would be appropriate to attend a shower thrown for us and then not invite at least the hosts to the wedding.

fribbs88

Well, I'd tell her I'm sorry we can't afford that, you control YOUR invitations and YOUR wedding. Only invite the people you and your groom are closest to. As for the bridal shower tell her that you don't think its a good idea. The second reception, tell her that you are only doing your wedding once and it will be done how you want to and with whom. That's how I would do it atleast, you or your parents need to put your foot down.

justjess17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-went-wonderful-ungrateful-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:97dc1f1d-2669-468b-a9fb-291698034568Post:c405a192-c306-4446-8c5c-c1b27fb78533">Re: MIL went from wonderful to ungrateful and crazy!</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds to me like your FI isn't quite getting the message accross, or maybe she's not listening to him. People on here will say to let him deal with his parents but thewith only way I get my points accross for my FILs is to call them myself. DISCLAIMER: The following is probably horrible advice, but I'd do it!!!!! <strong>If I were you I'd go through the guestlist with your FI, mail the invitations yourselves, take off some of the randoms his mom wants to invite and then tell her you didn't have the budget to invite everybody so here's a list of the people you cut. </strong>She'll throw a fit.... but one day the wedding will be over and she'll get over it.
Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]


I had to comment to the OP and your post! I was reading all of these posts just thinking- WOW IT'S NOT JUST ME!!! OP-I am sorry for all your drama but I am honestly so relieved it is not just me going through this!!!!  My FMIL was amazing, actually I could go to her and tell her pretty much anything before we started planning the wedding.  Then she became this whole other person, that is kind of bosy and self-centered. She originally said she would pay half of the $30,000 wedding, (in which she invited TONS of people we didn't know) and now is only giving us a couple thousand. Which I am grateful for, but.... She invited 140 people on our guest list- some people including a friend from when she was in her 20's that introduced her and husband- they have not seen or spoken to each other in about 15 years.  She also invited her nail lady and hair dresser!!!!  This sent our list up to almost 275 people and our venue only hold 250!  I was shocked and my FI was really upset as well. When he tried talking to her about the number of people we did not even know that were invited,  she blew us off saying she didn't care, she wanted these people there.  SO my FI and I went through the list ourselves, sent out the invites we wanted (we cut the nail lady  lol) and she literally has never said a word.  I think she either realized she was not paying for it and could not have all these people OR she never took a look at the guest list.  Either way, we got our guest list down to 245 and only 196 are coming to our wedding for sure.  Finally, she bought a second dress for the reception and plans to have a dramatic wardrobe change from her elegant ceremony dress to a mini dress with stilletos for the reception.  For that one, I am just rolling my eyes and bearing it. Afterall, she will look silly  not me!  Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is don't let her ruin this time for you. It should be the best time of your life. I know it is really stressful but just stick to your guns and hold strong. It is YOUR day. Sometimes moms forget it is not theirs. We just have to kindly remind them and pick your battles.  Think about it, you do not want to start your marriage off on the wrong foot with your future family.  So, definitely talk to her yourself with your FI present and if that does not workl, cut the list yourself.  If she is not paying the cost and you do not know the people, it seems far to me. 

GOOD LUCK!!