Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...

DaughterOfHelaman2709

My family members have officially had it with the way my MIL treats me.  Even my brother, who lives in TN and whom I only see a couple of times a year intends to tell her off, along with my sister, mom, dad, and all of my bridesmaids but one (FBIL's GF). 

What no one seems to understand is that this won't make anything better; both FI and I have reached the end of the proverbial rope and spoken our minds; she just gets reticent and even more passive-aggressive, if that's possible. 

She may not like me.  I have accepted this.  But I don't want this wedding to turn into a war zone with FI's family on one side, and mine on the other.  It's all too Hatfield/McCoy for me!  Is there any way to diffuse the situation, or do I have to resign myself to pasting on a bull-butter smile and pretending that she, and the less polite members of my family aren't ruining our wedding?

SaraAndrew2010

If you don't want your family to tell off your FMIL, why have you been bad-mouthing her to them?  I also have a difficult FMIL, but I edit what I tell my family about her because I don't want there to be tension between the families.  If you go around telling your family how awful your FMIL is, how do you expect them to try to get along with her?

DaughterOfHelaman2709

I haven't been badmouthing her... and this is going to sound utterly stupid, but it's because she never mentions anything about FI and I on her Facebook page; everything is about her daughter. 

She has found her own way to get under their skins that has nothing to do with me, and I can't help that they're annoyed.  I just hope they retain some sense of propriety. 

MairePoppy

Your fmil acts the way she does because she is getting something out of it. Either the two of you are caving in to her demands, or she just gets some sort of satisfaction out of annoying you. You need to put your foot down with her or avoid her altogether. Obviously, you won't be able to avoid her until you are out of her house, so I hope you are able to do that sooner, rather than later.

As for your family. They live far away. They only know what you are telling them. Of course, the people who love you are going to be upset that your FMIL is being abusive toward you. Your only hope of sparing your wedding day from this drama is to assure your family that you are standing up for yourself. And don't tell them any more stories about your crazy FMIL.

Good Luck

DaughterOfHelaman2709

She came to my bridal shower last week and sat there for two hours talking about my SIL.  She didn't even get me a card.  I was extremely hurt, but didn't mention it to anyone except FI because I didn't want to give my family any more of a reason to dislike her.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:a8282723-485e-4345-a440-9901fe1826e8">Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE]My family members have officially had it with the way my MIL treats me.  Even my brother, who lives in TN and whom I only see a couple of times a year intends to tell her off, along with my sister, mom, dad, and all of my bridesmaids but one (FBIL's GF).  What no one seems to understand is that this won't make anything better; <strong>both FI and I have reached the end of the proverbial rope and spoken our minds</strong>; she just gets reticent and even more passive-aggressive, if that's possible.  She may not like me.  I have accepted this.  But I don't want this wedding to turn into a war zone with FI's family on one side, and mine on the other.  It's all too Hatfield/McCoy for me!  Is there any way to diffuse the situation, or do I have to resign myself to pasting on a bull-butter smile and pretending that she, and the less polite members of my family aren't ruining our wedding?
Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]

I seem to remember reading in some of your posts that your FI doesn't speak his mind to his mother. In fact, you've specifically mentioned wishing that you hope someday he'll stand up for you to her.

MairePoppy

I guess we were posting at the same time.
If your family has found their own reasons for disliking your FMIL, then let all the adults settle their own differences. You could ask your family to be respectful and allow you to enjoy your wedding. But other than that, you should stay out of it.

vixey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:7f8393f9-b0d7-45e2-8d3a-997845cee112">Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't been badmouthing her... and this is going to sound utterly stupid, but it's because she never mentions anything about FI and I on her Facebook page; everything is about her daughter.  She has found her own way to get under their skins that has nothing to do with me, and I can't help that they're annoyed.  I just hope they retain some sense of propriety. 
Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]
I don't believe this at all. 

Maybe you should stand up to your own family and tell them to butt out?  Also, it's not a requirement for them to all be FB friends. 

Kristin789

>>She came to my bridal shower last week and sat there for two hours talking about my SIL.  She didn't even get me a card.

I'll just comment on this BRIDAL SHOWER part:

In my circle, the MOB and the MOG receive HONOR INVITATIONS to attend the shower as GUESTS OF HONOR, and as such, they do not bring gifts nor cards.
FMIL is probably from that tradition also.

And your FMIL hosted SIL's wedding, so that's her experience with planning weddings and hosting weddings and attending bridal showers.  So of course that's what she'll make reference to in her conversations - because she certainly doesn't know your young girl friends who were at the shower and she has nothing in common with them, and she's just trying to connect somehow.

OK, I can't help commenting on the FB part where you say that FMIL talks about SIL on her FB page but she doesn't talk about FI. 

Well, SIL is a GIRL child.  So FMIL is interested in helping SIL with building a strong foundation for her marriage, etc.  SIL is involved in things that FMIL has already been through, and SIL welcomes FMIL's advice about those things. 

On the other hand, FI is a BOY child.  If FMIL tries to share advice or tell HIM what to do, that's inappropriate because he's supposed to be a stand-alone adult with a FI of his own to help him if he needs help.  And she's already been told off and told to shut up by her son and his FI, and now his FI's family is threatening to tell her to shut up too.  So you can see why she's not chattering about her son on her FB page.

I don't know how old your FMIL is, but many MOG's believe in this old saying:
A boy is a son until he takes a wife,
A girl is a daughter the rest of her life.

So FMIL knows that her son has left to cleave to you and your family.  And FMIL knows it's FMIL's *daughter* who will talk to her and work with her and take her advice and ask her questions and help her as she ages. 

SaraAndrew2010

Kristin, nothing about your post makes sense.

Cynthia1207

I completely agree with Kristin.  Furthermore, your FMIL may choose to talk about whatever topic she desires.  This is a free country where freedom of speech is more than welcome.  I don't see how it upsets you that she talks about her daughter.  Does your mother talk non-stop about your FI?  Didn't think so. 

And since when is FB a source of anything?  People take it way too seriously.  If what she posts on FB is so annoying, why don't you just block her?  Simple.  Would you really want her to be talking non-stop about you and FI on FB ???  Think about the girls here who complain that their mothers and MILs always keep interfering in their lives and announcing things before they've been decided.

I also don't see why your family needs to be involved here.  If the things she is doing are so horrendous (which if it's limited to her talking about her daughter at your shower and not posting things about you on FB it's no big cause for alarm...), FI needs to build a backbone.  It's his mother.  The only way your wedding will turn into a war zone is if you make it that way.

marinabreeze

I get the feeling that some important details are missing.  Like zitiqueen, I remember at least one previous post of yours that mention that FI isn't one to stand up for you.  Has something changed?

Also, I would kind of agree with Kristin.  I don't know much in terms of the etiquette for cards and pre-wedding parties.  But I could see your FMIL's logic in talking about her daughter more than her son.  Particularly if she has old-fashioned sensibilities, it makes sense that she would talk about her daughter, because the son is expected to "leave and cleave."  Also, if she knows that her FDIL isn't pleased with her behavior (if not her son as well), she may not want a fight, but she may not want to talk about you and your FI either.

I have a love-hate feeling about FB, and your situation (as well as others on TK) help to fuel to "hate" side. Some of my FI's family members have FB pages, a lot of my family has FB pages.  I don't even look at his relatives' FB pages, and my FI doesn't look at my family's pages either (with the exception of my brother, just because they're becoming friends).  Are they all even FB friends to even see her wall, and if they are, then I can't see your FMIL accepting your family as FB friends if she dislikes you so much.

I have a very hard time believing you haven't told them about your issues with FMIL.    Otherwise, why would they even think to check her FB wall, and why would they interpret her talking about her daughter as being a slight towards you?   It does not compute.

trix1223

You have posted very, very regularly about the awful relationship that you have with your FMIL.  It's impossible for me to believe that you haven't voiced those thoughts to at least some of your family, so I'm not believing you that they suddenly took it upon themselves to go check out her fb page.

OF COURSE she talks more about her DD than she does about you.  It's her daughter.  Get over it.

Frankly, with the volume of posts you make about your future in-laws, and your FI's lack of cojones about standing up to them, I'm still trying to figure out why you're still contemplating marriage.

The ceremony isn't going to make all of this better.  There are just way, way, way too many issues here for me.  Sorry.

cyn1812000

Sometimes TheKnot can be a hateful place. 

My opinion?  Talk to your family and tell them that you appreciate their concern for your feelings, however you'd appreciate if they kept it to themselves at least until after the wedding.  Just let them know you'd prefer to not deal with this during the wedding and that you and FI will handle the situation.  If you are saying negative things - it's expected -it's your family - just let them know you are using them as a sounding board - not that you want them to do anything about it.

People who say you shouldn't talk about it are being unrealistic.  If you don't talk about how it makes you feel you may be more likely to over react and cause even more anxiety for yourself.  However, just be careful about what you choose to tell others since you can't take back words after they've been spoken.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:e1f22c49-1089-4b01-92aa-4f54b7d4a09a">Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes TheKnot can be a hateful place.  My opinion?  Talk to your family and tell them that you appreciate their concern for your feelings, however you'd appreciate if they kept it to themselves at least until after the wedding.  Just let them know you'd prefer to not deal with this during the wedding and that you and FI will handle the situation.  If you are saying negative things - it's expected -it's your family - just let them know you are using them as a sounding board - not that you want them to do anything about it. People who say you shouldn't talk about it are being unrealistic.  If you don't talk about how it makes you feel you may be more likely to over react and cause even more anxiety for yourself.  However, just be careful about what you choose to tell others since you can't take back words after they've been spoken.
Posted by cyn1812000[/QUOTE]

Wow. No one's being hateful. As I doubt you know what the previous posters are talking about as far as OP's previous postings about her futuer ILs, I'd say pay more attention or butt out. OP has regularly talked about how much she dislikes FMIL and how she wishes FI would stand up for her more and how she hates being around her (yet she chooses to live in FMIL's house).

Kristen#s: your post seems very overgeneralized and I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I've never heard of "honor invitations". You talk about it like it's something someone should just KNOW. And your comments about how she shouldn't be talking about his son because of his maleness is just sexist, quite frankly. My mom talks more about my brother than about me. Would you say she's doing something wrong? She has more in common with my brother than I do. She talks to/about him more. Stop acting like the way YOU think familial relationships should be is just what they are.

8daysaweek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:ef4863ba-2e9d-4e67-bd15-52f246996b8a">Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE] />><strong>OK, I can't help commenting on the FB part where you say that FMIL talks about SIL on her FB page but she doesn't talk about FI.  Well, SIL is a GIRL child.  So FMIL is interested in helping SIL with building a strong foundation for her marriage, etc.  SIL is involved in things that FMIL has already been through, and SIL welcomes FMIL's advice about those things.  On the other hand, FI is a BOY child.  If FMIL tries to share advice or tell HIM what to do, that's inappropriate because he's supposed to be a stand-alone adult with a FI of his own to help him if he needs help. </strong> And she's already been told off and told to shut up by her son and his FI, and now his FI's family is threatening to tell her to shut up too.  So you can see why she's not chattering about her son on her FB page. I don't know how old your FMIL is, but many MOG's believe in this old saying: A boy is a son until he takes a wife, A girl is a daughter the rest of her life. So FMIL knows that her son has left to cleave to you and your family.  <strong>And FMIL knows it's FMIL's *daughter* who will talk to her and work with her and take her advice and ask her questions and help her as she ages. </strong>
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Did I just fall through a Time Warp back to 1954? 

OP, tell your family that you appreciate that they love you and want to support you but that their confronting FMIL won't help anyone. Be firm and tell them that you just want to enjoy your wedding and celebrate with the people you love.

And then stop talking about FMIL to them. If you are hurt by her actions, talk to FI or vent here. If you can't talk about FMIL without giving away your feelings, don't talk about her at all.

Make sure you and FI are on the same page with his mother or you are in for a long, hard road. If you two want to repair your relationship with her, there's a good chance you're going to have to be the bigger person for a while here until you get to a better place.Maybe that's not fair, but if you truly decide to try to do your part to repair this relationship, it's what will have to happen. I think it's possible that what started as a small problem snowballed with both of you getting more and more hurt feelings and bigger slights and putting more distance between yourselves.

And last but not least: I know it's hard but stop letting FMIL get to you. PP was right that she gets something from it and that's why she continues her behavior. Don't give her the satisfaction of bothering you. Don't give her the drama she's craving.  If FMIL is playing games, stop playing. Playing by yourself is only fun for so long.

larzhope

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:2619e121-63cf-48d3-9d89-5e108fc802d1">Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE]You have posted very, very regularly about the awful relationship that you have with your FMIL.  It's impossible for me to believe that you haven't voiced those thoughts to at least some of your family, so I'm not believing you that they suddenly took it upon themselves to go check out her fb page. OF COURSE she talks more about her DD than she does about you.  It's her daughter.  Get over it. Frankly, with the volume of posts you make about your future in-laws, and your FI's lack of cojones about standing up to them, I'm still trying to figure out why you're still contemplating marriage. The ceremony isn't going to make all of this better.  There are just way, way, way too many issues here for me.  Sorry.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This... every single post I've seen from you is something about your FMIL.  If you are close at all with your family, even if you are saying nothing negative about your FMIL to them (which I highly highly doubt), they can probably pick it up from nuances in the conversation.

and honestly? why are your families having a formal meeting if you expect there to be so much drama?  If your family lives far away, there's pretty much slim to no chance that they'll ever have to interact.  Why would you force them to do so, and why would you not ask your family to act polite to your FILs instead of "going off on them"

i smell a drama llama.

orangecrush32

I'm going to agree with pp's that said you talked to your family about this. No way you didn't. If they're going to flip out on her over not mentioning you on FB, then they're absolutely ridiculous and making something out of nothing. You had to have added more fuel to the fire to get them that upset about it. Sorry.

All that to say, tell your family to butt out. Tell them you appreciate their concern and their desire to stand up for you, but that you and your FI must deal with your FMIL and no one else. And limit your family's interaction with FMIL as much as possible.

Also, take a deep breath and relax. Your FMIL isn't out to get you and even if she is, you and your FI can make it through it together.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:ef4863ba-2e9d-4e67-bd15-52f246996b8a">Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE] />>She came to my bridal shower last week and sat there for two hours talking about my SIL.  She didn't even get me a card. I'll just comment on this BRIDAL SHOWER part: In my circle, the MOB and the MOG receive HONOR INVITATIONS to attend the shower as GUESTS OF HONOR, and as such, they do not bring gifts nor cards. FMIL is probably from that tradition also. And your FMIL hosted SIL's wedding, so that's her experience with planning weddings and hosting weddings and attending bridal showers.  So of course that's what she'll make reference to in her conversations - because she certainly doesn't know your young girl friends who were at the shower and she has nothing in common with them, and she's just trying to connect somehow. OK, I can't help commenting on the FB part where you say that FMIL talks about SIL on her FB page but she doesn't talk about FI.  Well, SIL is a GIRL child.  So FMIL is interested in helping SIL with building a strong foundation for her marriage, etc.  SIL is involved in things that FMIL has already been through, and SIL welcomes FMIL's advice about those things.  On the other hand, FI is a BOY child.  If FMIL tries to share advice or tell HIM what to do, that's inappropriate because he's supposed to be a stand-alone adult with a FI of his own to help him if he needs help.  And she's already been told off and told to shut up by her son and his FI, and now his FI's family is threatening to tell her to shut up too.  So you can see why she's not chattering about her son on her FB page. I don't know how old your FMIL is, but many MOG's believe in this old saying: A boy is a son until he takes a wife, A girl is a daughter the rest of her life. So FMIL knows that her son has left to cleave to you and your family.  And FMIL knows it's FMIL's *daughter* who will talk to her and work with her and take her advice and ask her questions and help her as she ages. 
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Once again Kristin has taken us back to the 1950's. I can see why FMIL might not be posting about OP on her FB page, but to ignore her own son seems a little ridiculous. By your logic all men who marry should never listen to their mothers for advice once they've done so. That is so utterly ridiculous. Sometimes I have problems responding to you because you make no damn sense. This is 2010, if FMIL was soooo old fashioned why does she even have a FB page?

OP - You have posted many times about your FMIL so I find it hard to believe you haven't mentioned anything she's done to you to your family. Move out! That's the only advice left. Until you're out of her house you will constantly be under her passive agressive control.

bdriley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:d0819636-f1f1-4fe3-b7da-ae717f8dc625">Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL... : Wow.<strong> No one's being hateful</strong>. As I doubt you know what the previous posters are talking about as far as OP's previous postings about her futuer ILs, I'd say pay more attention or butt out. OP has regularly talked about how much she dislikes FMIL and how she wishes FI would stand up for her more and how she hates being around her (yet she chooses to live in FMIL's house). <strong>Kristen#s: your post seems very overgeneralized and I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I've never heard of "honor invitations". You talk about it like it's something someone should just KNOW. And your comments about how she shouldn't be talking about his son because of his maleness is just sexist, quite frankly</strong>. My mom talks more about my brother than about me. Would you say she's doing something wrong? She has more in common with my brother than I do. She talks to/about him more. <strong>Stop acting like the way YOU think familial relationships should be is just what they are</strong>.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

I find this ironic.

OP: If your family has never met his family chances are they aren't going to rip her throat out once they set eyes on her.  People tend to have a lot of bark before meeting someone but spend a lot of time reevaluating the offending party once the hand shake is offered.  Your family may sympathise with you but they probably won't fight that battle for you.  I wouldn't be concerned about the first meeting turning bloody.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-looking-forward-meeting-between-family-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9feca1d2-7057-4f20-b28a-fb144d198be5Post:2ec3aa73-efbe-4ce9-8a3e-10ce9e4ad3de">Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not looking forward to the meeting between my family and FMIL... : I find this ironic. OP: If your family has never met his family chances are they aren't going to rip her throat out once they set eyes on her.  People tend to have a lot of bark before meeting someone but spend a lot of time reevaluating the offending party once the hand shake is offered.  Your family may sympathise with you but they probably won't fight that battle for you.  I wouldn't be concerned about the first meeting turning bloody.
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

And I find you passive agressive.

There's nothing hateful in what I said to Kristen. She is constantly posting over generalized statements and what she said is EXTREMELY sexist.

I didn't say "You're a stupid bitch, so stop posting." I don't think that and I don't think it's acceptable to say that. That's pretty hateful.

Learn the difference between blunt and hateful.