BMs do not have to pay for a shower or bach party. They do not have to attend either event. Such things are gifts and should be graciously accepted as such. Such events do not need to be thrown by BMs. And if you're more than 3 months away from your wedding, take a breath. Most of the time these events are within a month of the wedding so no one in their right mind would start planning them yet.
Bridal magazines, websites (including the knot), and any etiquette book other than Emily Post are NOT sources to go to for traditions and etiquette. These are for-profit corporations that are trying to get you to pay for things you don't need, preferably from their advertisers. So they tell you that you "must' have at least one shower, you "must" have a fancy bach party, you "must" buy things like favors. This is not true. These are "nice to haves", not "must haves" for your wedding. Keep in mind what these "sources" of tradition want you to do and why.
Just because it is "your day" does NOT make it okay to act rudely to friends and family. They may do what you want, but that does not mean they will not resent you for it later. It is never okay to impose costs on people that they are not comfortable with. This includes (but is not limited to): BM dresses, BM accessories, showers, bach parties, engagement parties, hair and makeup, manis and pedis, jewelry, or anything else you can think of. You may get away with it, but I promise you that you will regret it if the BMs are not happy about it.
The less you ask of people, the more willing they will be to do things for people when you actually need their help. Example: I didn't ask my BMs to help me plan anything or to pay for anything other than their dresses (which were $50 below the price range they gave me), and they threw a kick-ass 3 day bach party OOT of their own volition. I believe they were more willing to do that because I didn't ask anything of them and they wanted to do something nice. I'm not so sure that would have happened had I asked them to spend their time and money on things of my choosing, not their choosing.
Just take a breath. You asked your nearest and dearest to be in your wedding for a reason. Do you really think that they'd pick this of all times to start being a bad friend? Do you think they'd leave you hanging? Probably not. They've been in or to weddings before, some may have even been married already. They aren't clueless. So it is not incumbent upon you to sit them down and explain your expectations and what you have decided are their obligations. There is no faster way to turn a good friendship sour than to assign them things to do for you. It's not okay in any other time of life and it's not okay here.
So before you start freaking out about what you think your BMs "owe" you, sit back and think about how you would feel if they started doing the same thing to you. You wouldn't like it. And they certainly don't. They just aren't saying so.
Courtesy of megk8oz
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