Moms and Maids

Bridesmaid issues

  When I first got engaged, a friend of mine asked to be a bridesmaid. I told her yes, and scheduled an appointment for all the girls to look at dresses and get fitted. Almost everyone got the dress that day, but she said she couldn't because she couldn't afford it at the moment. No big deal. Fast forward almost four months later. Everyone in the bridal party except her has gotten the dress. She still tells me she cannot afford the dress (which is $80).
  However, on her Facebook, she checks into bars 4-6 nights a week. She often talks about going on shopping sprees. She's gotten a new tattoo since then and just recently bought the I-Phone 4s. I realize my wedding isn't for three months and maybe I am overreacting, but I feel as if she's going to back out by avoiding me. She hasn't really given me an answer about the dress except to constantly tell me how she can't afford it.
  She lives with her parents, doesn't pay rent, car payments, school or her cell phone bill. She has a full time job. I've talked with the store handling my bridesmaid dresses and was told it would be best for her to get the dress soon, since the holidays are coming up and it may take longer for her to receive her dress, then a month before the wedding she will not be allowed to order the dress at all.
  How do I talk with her about this? And am I just being crazy? Any sort of advice will help.

Update:
So yesterday her brother came over to my me and my FH's apartment. My FH has been pretty pissed with her, and I told him I would talk with her, however he was dead set on telling her off. Thankfully, I convinced him that was a bad idea. Anyways, he ended up telling her brother about the situation before I could talk with her and I assume he said something to her, since (after not hearing from this girl for weeks) she started texting me, not mentioning the wedding (she's a non-confrontational person like I am), but I got the vibe that she was trying to scope things out and see if I would mention something to her first about it.
Her brother didn't even know she was supposed to be in the wedding!
Anyways, I got a call from the store handling my dresses and was told she is about to hit the deadline to get the dress. I'm going to call her this afternoon and tell her she's out if she doesn't get the dress by that date. I'm at the point where I simply just do not want her in the wedding at all.

Last Update: I found out that she was coming onto my FH last night. He said he felt she was only doing it because he wasn't giving her any attention and that upset her. This is someone I DEFINITELY don't want in my bridal party, much less my wedding.

Re: Bridesmaid issues

  • edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, you cannot tell a BM how to spend their money. You sound like a level headed gal. She probably just has different priorities than you. If she doesn't get her dress by X date, she is no longer in the wedding. Whether or not she cares about this is up to her, however the day will come where she will realize that she's hurt a good friend by being irresponsible.

    PS. She asked to be in the bridal party? Classy girl, isn't she?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issues:
    Unfortunately, you cannot tell a BM how to spend their money. You sound like a level headed gal. She probably just has different priorities than you. If she doesn't get her dress by X date, she is no longer in the wedding. Whether or not she cares about this is up to her, however the day will come where she will realize that she's hurt a good friend by being irresponsible. PS. She asked to be in the bridal party? Classy girl, isn't she?
    Posted by LittleMissCutiePie
    Good point and good advice. I just kind of regret even agreeing to her being a bridesmaid in the first place. Unfortunately, I'm a huge wuss and if it were up to me, I would just call her and tell her she isn't in the wedding after all.
  • edited December 2011
    Good point and good advice. I just kind of regret even agreeing to her being a bridesmaid in the first place. Unfortunately, I'm a huge wuss and if it were up to me, I would just call her and tell her she isn't in the wedding after all.
    Posted by cathynl
    As cathartic as that might be, it'd be a rude move and would make you look bad.  This is one case where confrontation is not the way to go.  Let her delay herself out of the wedding party, like PPs said.  Give her the last day that the dress store can guarantee on-time delivery, and then let it go.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, kicking her out would be a friendship-ending move.
    image
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Bridesmaid issues:
      When I first got engaged, a friend of mine asked to be a bridesmaid. I told her yes, and scheduled an appointment for all the girls to look at dresses and get fitted. Almost everyone got the dress that day, but she said she couldn't because she couldn't afford it at the moment. No big deal. Fast forward almost four months later. Everyone in the bridal party except her has gotten the dress. She still tells me she cannot afford the dress (which is $80).   However, on her Facebook, she checks into bars 4-6 nights a week. She often talks about going on shopping sprees. She's gotten a new tattoo since then and just recently bought the I-Phone 4s. I realize my wedding isn't for three months and maybe I am overreacting, but I feel as if she's going to back out by avoiding me. She hasn't really given me an answer about the dress except to constantly tell me how she can't afford it.   She lives with her parents, doesn't pay rent, car payments, school or her cell phone bill. She has a full time job. I've talked with the store handling my bridesmaid dresses and was told it would be best for her to get the dress soon, since the holidays are coming up and it may take longer for her to receive her dress, then a month before the wedding she will not be allowed to order the dress at all.   How do I talk with her about this? And am I just being crazy? Any sort of advice will help.
    Posted by cathynl
    First, you cannot dictate to someone how and what they spend their money on.

    I know you are frustrated but I would just take a deep breath and simply tell her that she has until X date to order/buy the dress.  If she doesn't buy it by the given date then she has basically taken herself out of the wedding.  Once you tell her the date, stick to it, but don't keep bugging her.  She is an adult and should be responsible enough to follow through, if not then I guess she will just be a guest at your wedding instead of a BM.

  • edited December 2011
    if she doesnt order the dress then she is the one who made the decision. it puts the blame on her but either way its going to change the friendship. sorry that happened to you. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issues:
    if she doesnt order the dress then she is the one who made the decision. it puts the blame on her but either way its going to change the friendship. sorry that happened to you. 
    Posted by susanjd9
    She definitely did. I'm fine with it, and she is definitely out now considering she kept hitting on my FH last night.
    She's made it VERY easy for herself to get booted from this wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Bridesmaid issues:
      When I first got engaged, a friend of mine asked to be a bridesmaid. I told her yes, and scheduled an appointment for all the girls to look at dresses and get fitted. Almost everyone got the dress that day, but she said she couldn't because she couldn't afford it at the moment. No big deal. Fast forward almost four months later. Everyone in the bridal party except her has gotten the dress. She still tells me she cannot afford the dress (which is $80).   However, on her Facebook, she checks into bars 4-6 nights a week. She often talks about going on shopping sprees. She's gotten a new tattoo since then and just recently bought the I-Phone 4s. I realize my wedding isn't for three months and maybe I am overreacting, but I feel as if she's going to back out by avoiding me. She hasn't really given me an answer about the dress except to constantly tell me how she can't afford it.   She lives with her parents, doesn't pay rent, car payments, school or her cell phone bill. She has a full time job. I've talked with the store handling my bridesmaid dresses and was told it would be best for her to get the dress soon, since the holidays are coming up and it may take longer for her to receive her dress, then a month before the wedding she will not be allowed to order the dress at all.   How do I talk with her about this? And am I just being crazy? Any sort of advice will help. Update: So yesterday her brother came over to my me and my FH's apartment. My FH has been pretty pissed with her, and I told him I would talk with her, however he was dead set on telling her off. Thankfully, I convinced him that was a bad idea. Anyways, he ended up telling her brother about the situation before I could talk with her and I assume he said something to her, since (after not hearing from this girl for weeks) she started texting me, not mentioning the wedding (she's a non-confrontational person like I am), but I got the vibe that she was trying to scope things out and see if I would mention something to her first about it. Her brother didn't even know she was supposed to be in the wedding! Anyways, I got a call from the store handling my dresses and was told she is about to hit the deadline to get the dress. I'm going to call her this afternoon and tell her she's out if she doesn't get the dress by that date. I'm at the point where I simply just do not want her in the wedding at all. Last Update: I found out that she was coming onto my FH last night. He said he felt she was only doing it because he wasn't giving her any attention and that upset her. This is someone I DEFINITELY don't want in my bridal party, much less my wedding.
    Posted by cathynl
    Did you see her come onto your FI? Or did he just tell you that she did... because it seems to me that he doesn't like how you've handled things (since you've already had to talk him out of "telling her off" and he has "been pretty pissed at her").

    Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems awful convenient that suddenly she's "coming onto" your FI...
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issues:
    In Response to Bridesmaid issues : Did you see her come onto your FI? Or did he just tell you that she did... because it seems to me that he doesn't like how you've handled things (since you've already had to talk him out of "telling her off" and he has "been pretty pissed at her"). Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems awful convenient that suddenly she's "coming onto" your FI...
    Posted by KellyBrian2013
    Not this time, but there has been times where she has crossed the line in front of me, but I would shrug it off since she was drunk (however, she's drunk all the time, I'm at the point where I don't really care what sort of state she's in, she needs to be responsible for her actions).
    Case in point, a couple of months ago, she said bye to my fiance, jumped on top of him, wrapped her legs tightly around him and sort of humped him.
    I don't really see it as her wanting to actually steal him away, but more of an attention thing coming from her end. She gets very upset end emotional if not everyone is paying attention to her.

    Wow, as I'm writing this I'm starting to realize more and more that this girl probably should have been booted a long time ago.

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