just curious: how involved are your maids in the planning process?

akleczyn

cuz in movies they are like constantly attached to the bride, and theknot talks about how you are prob on the phone with your MOH everyday and some websites have a thing where you can give bridesmaids tasks to help you plan. My wedding is only 2 months away and all mine have had to do so far was buy a dress, although one also helped me pick mine. How involved are yours?

foreva2828

About as much as they want to be. If they ask about wedding related stuff, I'll involve them, but other than that, they are all super-busy people, so I don't ask them to do anything. They had input on their dresses, a couple of them went dress shopping with me (as per their request), and they've given their opinion on decor pictures, but that was about it. There certainly is a perception via the media/wedding books that there are tasks that your attendants must be assigned for the wedding day, but the reality is that the world does not revolve around our weddings. It seems like the majority of brides on this website don't attempt to require their BMs to be involved. At least that's been my perception as a lurker on the boards. 

duckie1905

My MOH was really the only person that participated in anything and her involvement was pretty limited.  She planned a shower and she helped me stuff envelopes and favor bags one particularly stressful night as long as I provided her with booze.

The rest of my BMs had zero to do with anything.  They supplied their own black dresses and showed up at the rehearsal and wedding.  They all offered to assist if I needed it but DH and I were pretty chill and I never felt like we needed assistance.  

I wouldn't have had it any other way

Muffin'sMom

My daughter had 3...a maid of honor (best friend), matron of honor (groom's sister) and bridesmaid(friend).  The bridesmaid showed up for everything, but was in new Jersey (from VA) and travels for a living.  She did gown, attendants dresses, shower, and bachelorette andwe were glad to have her when we could.  Matron only showed up for her dress and bachelorette and had no input or opinions.  The Maid of Honor was a champion.  She was there for all the dress/gown related decisions, planned and executed the shower and bachelorette, and worked hard the whole wedding weekend.  But, the best thing she did was love my daughter, love everything my daughter choose, and listened to every conversation, crying jag, bitch session, and panic attack for an entire year of planning.  She made Heather feel special and I will love her forever for it.

Ok...I'm teary eyed now...

gibsonkk

My sister is MOH and has been great. She's come shopping for things, helped find misc. things for DIY projects, and has planned a day to do DIY stuff. She came dress and veil shopping. Gotta love sisters!

Other bridesmaids are all married and I think are a little over the whole thing. Occasionally they ask, but we're still 7 mo. away. I'm having them get their own dresses. Mostly, I call and ask them how this or that worked for their weddings, or take a poll on what time to have the rehearsal etc. 1 BM came dress shopping, another offered but I found my dress before we could go again. But, especially having helped w/ their weddings, I won't hesitate to ask for help if I need it. Ask me in 5 mo. when I'm slammed with work and trying to get programs and placecards done haha

skippylouwho

My daughter was MOH for her sorority big sis and planned the bachelorette party, offered to have a shower (but the bride's aunt had one in her hometown, the groom's aunt had one in his hometown) and she attended both showers.  The other big thing she did was coordinate communication between the bride and BM. She made sure that everyone knew where to order their dresses and kept tabs on everyone until they were all ordered (7 of them.  My DD offered to do these things and the bride was thrilled, it worked very well - my daughter is a very tactful person so her communications for the bride to the BM worked very well.

Now my daughter is engaged and her MOH is her big sis.  I know the big sis is organizing the bachelorette party and providing communication between DD and the BM. 

My DD wanted to keep as much stress off the bride as possible and now her big sis is doing the same for her.   NOTE: it wasn't that BM couldn't contact the bride, my DD just took care of being sure they were all on the same page, fielded as many questions as she could etc.

skippylouwho

Oh, my daughter also helped the bride shop for her wedding dress, BM dresses, decor etc.  Now that same girl has helped my daughter shop for her dress and BM dresses too.

saisongbird

My MOH and I are getting married within 4 months of each other, so we're tossing ideas off of each other and venting to each other.  One of our mutual BMs is massively depressed because everyone around her is getting married and she's not, so I try not to bring anything up around her.  All I'm asking of her is that she buy the dress and please come to the RD once it's scheduled, although I'd be shocked if she doesn't participate in the bridal shower and bachelorette party (my MOH has already asked for my input, so I know they're coming at SOME point).  My other 2 BMs are OOT - one in Oregon and one near Buffalo.  So I don't know how involved they're going to be.  They're always willing to let me vent and they like to see pics of things, but I haven't - and WILL NEVER - give them jobs to do.  They're my best friends in the world, not free labor. If they volunteer closer to the wedding I might take them up, but I'd never assume they want to.

LarissaAnn

My MOH was my sister.  She came with me and mom to shop for my dress and for BM dresses.  I also emailed her 2 or 3 shoes I was considering, and she helped me pick one.  She spearheaded the planning of my shower & bach party.

My other two BMs got their dresses, and helped MOH with the shower & bachelorette party.  One offered to help with invitations & stuff, but I turned it down because she lives 45 minutes away & it'd be stupid to make her come to my house to put together invitations when H & I were perfectly capable of getting it done ourselves.  The other BM lives in NYC (I'm in northern NJ).  She doesn't have a car, didn't offer, and I didn't ask.

H & I did pretty much everything, except the florist, which mom & I did.

Bridesmaids aren't staff.

Oh!  My NYC bridesmaid DID go out to dinner with  me one night, to de-stress me from wedding planning and just catch up on life.  But we do that anyway.

JoeyBloom

One maid is really helpful, the other 4 are not local, so they are much less helpful. I think expectations matter - I didn't really expect anyone to help out much since they do have their own lives. Low expectations do lead to little disappointment!

liz745

Mine probably wish they were more involved actually. But this is mine and my FI's wedding so I want to plan it with him not them. So pretty much they each get to pick out thier own dress and show up on the day and thats it. I might take some of them with me when I go look for my dress but other than that I see no need for involving them in the details of the day.

emarston1

My MOH and BMs are all out of state so they will be very uninvolved.  One of the reasons why I started my bio/blog is so they can feel like they are involved since they aren't near me (plus they can check it when they want to rather than me blathering on and on about the wedding.)

If they want to be more involved, great, but I don't except them to do anything except be there for the rehearsal and wedding day.  They are there to celebrate with me not be my personal slaves.

tiffgriffin7

My BM's are not very involved but that is my choice mainly. 2 of the 4 girls live in town and one of them went dress shopping with me. All of the girls have been involved in planning my shower and bachelorette party and I am sure they will be great over the wedding weekend.

The girls who are in town have offered to help but we're pretty low-key with little drama so there isn't a lot to talk about. I am really just happy they are all coming to my bridal shower and bachelorette party.

I am one of the first of my friends to get married so I am sure it is a little of no one really knows who much or how little they should do. I think as long as your maids are supportive in your decisions you probably made the right choice.

cukimerrydoll

It is completely up to them how involved they want to be.  The only things I'm really insisting on is that they go on the bachlorette weekend (which is free... thanks to my sister and grandparents living on a lake), buy the dress (close-toed black shoes... that I know they all already have, accessories I'm getting for them) and be at the wedding.

My sister/MOH and 2 of my BMs have been super involved, and the other two have other things going on.  Whatever works for them.

Pirata13

My FI & I are planning our wedding, the BMs are not.  FI & I have made all the decisions as far as major decisions go, I asked the girls' input on dresses for them (they all chose the same one as 1st option so that's what we went with) and one of my girls went on the 2nd wedding dress shopping trip with me after I'd done the first trip with my mom.  All I've asked of them is their favorite colors as I am doing the flowers & jewelry for each girl in their favorite color (their dresses are black).  My MOH has offered to help with favors & stuff but I don't have all the supplies plus she lives on the other side of the country. My mom & aunt are planning the shower but I know that the girls will offer assistance as well.

I know if I need help with something they would do it if I asked. But for the most part, FI & I have things under control and it's been a very easygoing planning process for all of us.

kimberlyann1974

My bridesmaids have been told to show up in a black dress, with black dress shoes...I said, make sure you feel beautiful and comfortable in your dress and that you are happy with it...and thats it.... 

Though one of my BMs have taken it upon herself to plan and execute my very perfectly awesome for me bachelorette party, which is very nice of her and very appreciated.

My MOH offered to give me a bridal shower, but I told her to save her money(she's pretty strapped) and besides my wedding is so tiny there would only be maybe 7 or 8 people to invite anyway. =P

katangel1987

My BMs are VERY involved, at least those that are able to be. They helped pick my dress, have had a great deal of input on their dresses, will be helping me put together the invitations, favors, and any last minute things right before the wedding. In addition, some of them have gone with me to look at vendors and my MOH will be with my for all my cake tastings. I guess I am trying my hardest to keep them involved so they can try to bond with each other before the big day.

friendlypeanut

All my bridesmaids went dress shopping with me to get my dress. I picked their dresses without them, but got them altogether to try them on and pick their own. They help me when I offer or ask, but they don't do thinks on their own. I dont expect them to though, they have their own things going on. They are very reliable and I know I can count on them when I need them,

PDXMartha

My MOH is in Eastern Europe.  Her "job" involves showing up, wearing the chosen dress she'll get to see just days before the wedding, and telling me I look beautiful.  Oh, and she is catty with me about some details, but that's more b/c she's my twin than b/c she's MOH (which, of course, is the reason she's MOH, though)
My BM are scattered across the country.  One worked with  a cousin to plan a surprise shower for my fiance and I. Also, my (older) sister and our sister in law (both BMs) went with me to pick out my dress and try on dresses for them.
As for planning the wedding?  Nothing; this is my fiance and my wedding, afterall. My parents are helping with a lot though, but that's only logical since they are paying for it.  I may depend on my older sister a bit when it comes to seating chart or calling people who don't RSVP, etc.  We'll see!

I've been in weddings where the bridesmaids get together and do invitations or favors or such.  I've also been MOH for a wedding that the other BMs did help out more, but I was across the country.  I made it very clear what I could do for the wedding since I was so far away - I would not be able to travel for any parties, prep, etc.

I'd say they can be as involved as both you and they want.  Just be clear about expectations and understand if someone says they can't do it - for any reason.  Please don't expect something, but not tell them you would like it.  BMs typically can't read minds.

maggiejr

Speaking as the bridesmaid, I think  it's important that the bride communicate how much she wants her attendants to be involved. It seems like the bride/maid relationship can get strained pretty quickly if there's not good communication.
When one of my best friends got married, I was one of 7 bridesmaids. She had so many girls wanting to contribute, that my standing back and not offering my opinion on abosolutely everything somehow translated into me being disinterested. At that special time in her life, that's the last thing I wanted to seem, but i also thought it inapporpriate to talk about it before the wedding as my feelings weren't the one's that mattered then. Everything turned out just perfectly, but I do still feel like I somehow let her down by not hovering.
I think that a bride wants all of her bridemaids to contribute, she needs to offer specific tasks -- little meetings and projects that a maid can own. Otherwise, bridesmaids might feel like they're being to pushy or nosy or oppositely, the bride may feel like the maid is uninterested.
Bottom line, a bride picks her attendants because they are important people in her life. The main goal should be that these relationships only become stronger throughout the process.

alliqtpie84

I think it really depends on if they are local or not.  I am just deciding who my wedding party will be- and I want to choose my maid of honor as the person I trust the most with responsibility.  Other than that, I just want to surround myself with wonderful women who will have a lot of fun!  I know that my friends will help if I need them to.

abj2010

I have a MOH (my sister), matron of honor (my best friend), and a bridesmaid(friend) and they've all been slightly involved with stuff but my best friend has been the best..she's the main one who hasn't had a complaint about anything and has been with me every step and is being the most helpful about trying to help me get stuff done.

leannroxxors

I have a MOH (my fiance's sister who happens to also be my best friend) and two other BMs who are good friends of mine. MY MOH has been amazing. She's been there for EVERYTHING. From getting my wedding dress, to picking out her dress, to helping me decide on cakes, caterers, flowers, honeymoon ideas, and everything in between. I honestly don't know what I would have done so far without her there to support me. My other two BMs have been great, but far less involved. When they ask for details, I give them and ask their input, but beyond that they haven't done anything really yet. That being said, my wedding is five months away and they are both becoming more and more interested and involved and asking what they can do to help, so I guess I'm pretty lucky in that sense. But I think it's really up to each bride and BM on how much they want to be involved.

lharri12

I'm not going to expect much help from my BMs.  I will get their input on basic ideas for their dresses, and I'm sure they will plan a bachelorette party for me, but otherwise, I don't want to burden them with planning or projects.  I certainly wouldn't want my friend to ask me to handle a DIY project that THEY decided to take on!!

christinapayne

One of my BMs is very helpful--she has attended dress shopping, favor shopping and ideas and is now helping out with the invites. I should've made her maid of honor : /

cloud9brenda

I have four bridesmaids They ask me here and there how the planning is going, but i try not to make all of our conversations revolve around my weddding, its really hard to because im so excited but, i realize they all have their own lives and may not necesarily be as into weddings as other girls. two of them have gone dress shopping with me, but other than that, my fiance and i have done all our planning...i wouldnt give them a list of tasks or anything.

mhall88

My bridemaids are going to try and be involved in with whatever I need help. They're not here to be my servents, but I want them to experience this with me, this is why I CHOSE THEM. They get to choose their dresses, and have an opinion on mine, my MOH comes shopping with me all the time, and helps me come up with ideas, and the other girls are here to help also, with set up, and such. It's a great way to spend time with them as well.

bablingbrooke

They planned the bach party of their own volition but that's it.  The entire WP, including DH and I, were OOT so no one was involved in the planning.  Frankly it's a silly thing to expect or focus on.  They are your best friends, not your staff.  Remember that they are BMs for one day but your friends forever.  Don't throw away lifelong friendships because movies, TV, and magazines have led you to believe they owe you any sort of fealty or service.

[Deleted User]

Put simply, they aren't. I only have a maid of honor, and she has no duties but to show up. We aren't doing bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridal showers, etc, so I can take care of everything else. And would rather take care of everything else.