Mom is getting engaged too! i know she's going to steal the spotlight!

MotleyMiranda

Me and my FI have been planning our wedding for over a year and a half now, and the wedding is still a good year away. We've had to push it back and push it back again due to finances. Neither of our families can afford to help. We're both students, and we do a pretty good job paying for ourselves given the state of the economy. So with having to pay for college and living on our own, paying for a wedding has been a struggle. Even with saving every penny we have it still seems so far away. We both have HUGE families. I'm talking 200+ on each side. 

About a year ago my mom got a divorce. I was totally thrilled. My "step-father" at the time was a completely horrible man who did nothing but hold her back. He and my mother had two children together and could never afford to move out of my grandfather's house. Long story short the man was terrible. Just...TERRIBLE...attitude, financially, emotionally...just horrible!!!!!

So she's with this new guy. He loves my mom to death. And my sisters too. He's been great for her. Their moving out together, and all together their making great choices and furthering their lives. My mom's never been happier and everything's great...but they've only been together 4 months. 

He's planning on asking her during their house warming party in front of everyone. And it was really considerate of him to ask for my permission first...Of course I told him "yes". I couldn't deny my mom that happiness. But I gave him one condition..."you are not aloud to get married before me and Andrew."

In retrospect that might have been a little mean to say, but in all reality I think they need the time. She's not technically divorced yet, and he doesn't even know what she's truly like yet. They haven't even lived together. And you all know how living together can change everything.

But I'm terribly worried. Everyday it seems like our wedding is getting more and more forgotten since we've had to push it back so many times. I feel terrible for feeling jealous but it makes me crazy mad. 

I just know she's going to steal my thunder. I know she's going to be so eager to get married as soon as possible. But what I really want to know is how in the world is she going to pay for a wedding when she can't even afford to help ME. 

I'm almost certain my grandparents are going to pay for it. She's lived with my grandfather for 14 years now. She may be moving out...but she's moving to a townhouse that my Grandmother owns and is going to pay her rent. She's been handed everything all her life. And it makes me mad. 

Me and my FI couldn't move in with my Grandfather. Me and my FI couldn't rent the townhouse...I know it's just because they want what's best for us, and that if we ever got ourselves into a bad situation that they'd take us in with open arms. But really!? It makes me so jealous that we're going to have to work for everything and push our wedding back again and again while she's just going to Steamroll right on it and take over the show.

please tell my I'm not crazy for feeling jealous and worried...

KatyRoseM

I'm not sure why you gave them your blessing if he doesn't really know her.  It seems like you don't want them to get married.  However, they can get married whenever they want.  If you have non stealing the spotlight objections you should talk to you mother about your concerns. 

Summer2011Bride

I do think you are overreacting and acting incredibly jealous. How will she "steal your thunder?" Unless she tries to get married on YOUR wedding day,  I doubt anyone will be confused that you are the bride, not her. You only get ONE day. So even if she wanted to get married the week before (which she probably won't), you have no say over that, unless she asks for your opinion on her wedding date. How you feel about their relationship is separate from this issue. You can't dictate when they get married, just as you wouldn't want someone dictating your wedding date.

sarahk915

It definitely seems like you're overreacting.  You said that he is great for your mom and she's never been happier...so be happy for her and try to separate that from your situation.  As far as your wedding...have you considered having a small(er) wedding that you can afford instead of continuing to push it back?  Just something to think about...

CassieeK

You don't get to dictate when anyone else gets married.  And if you think your mom is going to steal your thunder, you sure aren't very supportive of her, despite claiming to be thrilled for her new relationship..  And by mentioning that you think your grandparents will pay for her wedding because she has had everything handed to her her whole life, you sound really immature.  This is your mother, not some rival girlfriend who beat you out for cheerleading in junior high. 

trix1223

Please be MUD.  Please, please, please be MUD.

8daysaweek

You are't crazy for feeling worried - if it's about your mother marrying a man she has known for only a short amount of time. It's okay and natural to be concerned about something like that.

But it's not your place to say when your mom can get married and it's none of your business how her wedding is funded, unless you're paying for it.

It's unfortunate that you and FI have had to postpone your wedding due to finances but you can't expect other people to put their lives on hold during your engagement.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-getting-engaged-shes-going-steal-spotlight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc0147db-badb-43fc-b638-e5b149176146Post:0a46fe83-b2f2-4a11-976f-3e7c9d1f39a1">Re: Mom is getting engaged too! i know she's going to steal the spotlight!</a>:
[QUOTE]You are't crazy for feeling worried - if it's about your mother marrying a man she has known for only a short amount of time. It's okay and natural to be concerned about something like that. But it's not your place to say when your mom can get married and it's none of your business how her wedding is funded, unless you're paying for it. It's unfortunate that you and FI have had to postpone your wedding due to finances but you can't expect other people to put their lives on hold during your engagement.
Posted by 8daysaweek[/QUOTE]

I'll go with this!

SSaltzman87

I completely understand you feeling initial nervousness about your mom's new relationship since it is so new. But, at the end of the day it's her decision how she wants to proceed with it.

I also think it was uncalled for for you to even say that they can't get married before you. That was really inappropriate. If indeed her new boyfriend proposes and she accepts, I think he deserves an apology for that. You don't get a say in when they get married.

I do understand the frustration as well about your mom getting handed a lot of things by your grandparents. It sounds like some issues need to be discussed between you and your mom. 

jilld82

Who the hell are you to tell her when they can and cannot get married? They are grown adults and so are you, act your age please.

Be happy for your mom and worry about yourself.

Ugh I hope this is MUD because I like to believe people in this world are not this selfish!

kellyb1487

I am praying this is MUD, however just in case you are for real, please see my responses bolded below:


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-getting-engaged-shes-going-steal-spotlight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc0147db-badb-43fc-b638-e5b149176146Post:bcf55b79-98cd-4634-8de1-420da7b95a25">Mom is getting engaged too! i know she's going to steal the spotlight!</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and my FI have been planning our wedding for over a year and a half now, and the wedding is still a good year away. We've had to push it back and push it back again due to finances. Neither of our families can afford to help. We're both students, and we do a pretty good job paying for ourselves given the state of the economy. So with having to pay for college and living on our own, paying for a wedding has been a struggle. Even with saving every penny we have it still seems so far away. We both have HUGE families. I'm talking 200+ on each side. 

<strong>You do realize that you do not have to have everyone you are related to there? I stopped at first cousins. But I congradulate you on being mature in waiting to have a wedding you can afford.

</strong>About a year ago my mom got a divorce. I was totally thrilled. My "step-father" at the time was a completely horrible man who did nothing but hold her back. He and my mother had two children together and could never afford to move out of my grandfather's house. Long story short the man was terrible. Just...TERRIBLE...attitude, financially, emotionally...just horrible!!!!! So she's with this new guy. He loves my mom to death. And my sisters too. He's been great for her. Their moving out together, and all together their making great choices and furthering their lives. My mom's never been happier and everything's great...but they've only been together 4 months. 

<strong>You should be happy that she has found a great and safe relationship!

</strong>He's planning on asking her during their house warming party in front of everyone. And it was really considerate of him to ask for my permission first...Of course I told him "yes". I couldn't deny my mom that happiness. But I gave him one condition..."you are not aloud to get married before me and Andrew." In retrospect that might have been a little mean to say, but in all reality I think they need the time.

<strong>Why is she not allowed to get married before you especially if your wedding is a year away? As long it is not the same day as you I will even say as long it is not the same weekend, let her do what she wants, she is a big girl

</strong>She's not technically divorced yet, and he doesn't even know what she's truly like yet. They haven't even lived together. And you all know how living together can change everything. But I'm terribly worried.

<strong>Again you mother is a big girl and I am sure she can figure out the logistics

</strong>Everyday it seems like our wedding is getting more and more forgotten since we've had to push it back so many times. I feel terrible for feeling jealous but it makes me crazy mad.  I just know she's going to steal my thunder. I know she's going to be so eager to get married as soon as possible. But what I really want to know is how in the world is she going to pay for a wedding when she can't even afford to help ME. 

<strong>Wow, cue the foot stomping and pouting. You will have your day and your mother will have hers, she is not going to steal your thunder. I am sure she will make her own and I hope you aren't so childish as to maek her feel guilty for getting engaged.

</strong>
I'm almost certain my grandparents are going to pay for it. She's lived with my grandfather for 14 years now. She may be moving out...but she's moving to a townhouse that my Grandmother owns and is going to pay her rent. She's been handed everything all her life. And it makes me mad.  Me and my FI couldn't move in with my Grandfather. Me and my FI couldn't rent the townhouse...I know it's just because they want what's best for us, and that if we ever got ourselves into a bad situation that they'd take us in with open arms.

<strong>Who are you to tell people how to spend their money? It is up to your grandparents and your parents how they spend there money and who lives in there house. You started off sounding mature, but now you sound very immature!
</strong>

But really!? It makes me so jealous that we're going to have to work for everything and push our wedding back again and again while she's just going to Steamroll right on it and take over the show. please tell my I'm not crazy for feeling jealous and worried...
Posted by MotleyMiranda[/QUOTE]
<strong>Take a breath and repeat "my wedding will never be as or more important to anyone except me and my FH", keep repeating till you have some perspective. Let your mom plan her own wedding on whatever budget she can and you do the same.

Good luck to you and your planning!
</strong>

jemmini6

Wow...you don't sound nearly mature enough to be getting married.  I'd suggest you push back your wedding another few years until you GROW UP!!!

Your mother is an adult and is perfectly capable of making her own decisions on who and when she wants to get married.  I completely understand being a little cautious for her about the speed of their relationship, but again...she's an adult!

Also, YOU chose to have a long engagement, that doesn't mean she needs to.  And that certainly doesn't mean that she'll be 'stealing your spotlight'.  You only get the "spotlight" on your wedding day, so as long as she isn't getting married the same day as you, it's a non-issue.

Lastly, it is NONE of your business who pays for her wedding.  You can't get all pissy and throw a tempur tantrum because they are going to pay for their wedding when she can't help with yours.  You know whose responsibility it is to pay for your wedding?  YOURS!

I'll reitterate my advice because I think it's extremely valid in your situation...PUSH BACK YOUR WEDDING UNTIL YOU ARE MATURE ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED!  As it is now, you are just a child...

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-getting-engaged-shes-going-steal-spotlight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc0147db-badb-43fc-b638-e5b149176146Post:c207c396-b8b9-48f5-b25d-261c397b28ed">Re: Mom is getting engaged too! i know she's going to steal the spotlight!</a>:
[QUOTE]MUD. <strong>Surely nobody who is old enough to get married would be so childish as to worry about not getting enough attention, or tell two adults they "aren't allowed" to get married before she does</strong>......or misspell the word ALLOWED.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

If only. FI's brother did this to his mom when she got engaged to an amazing man who makes her extremely happy. Not only did he NOT congratulate them and make a fuss about how they were stealing his engagement thunder, he told them they couldn't get married before him and his FI, and THEN was STILL upset when they got married a month after him because it was too close to his wedding! He didn't even show up to their wedding... he had a legitimate business trip, but I'm still convinced that he purposefully scheduled it for that weekend just so that he had an excuse not to be there. And, three years later, he STILL brings it up. UGH.

OP, if you aren't MUD and you are following in my FBIL's steps, hopefully you just read that little re-cap and thought "wow... he sounds really selfish" and realize that you sound a little selfish too. Your mom is going through a divorce, which you know is good for her, and is now engaged to a guy you think is wonderful... and yet you're worried about her stealing your spotlight? Mostly you just sound jealous because she's going to get the things she wants for her wedding and you won't.

Your caveat that they not get married first was rude, and your post-justification of it sounds pretty judgmental. I'm sure there will be some overlap on the guest list, but definitely not enough for 'thunderstealing'. No one can steal your thunder unless they're stealing your FI, because HE"S the important part of the wedding, not the food or the flowers or how expensive anything is. It's the fact that you're going to have him for the rest of your life. And, going by life span, you two wll have a much longer life together than your mother will with her new hubby. So maybe you should just be happy that your mom has found someone that you approve of to spend the rest of your life with, and start focusing on the guy you're going to be spending the rest of your life with, instead of focusing on whose wedding is going to be bigger / better.

8daysaweek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-getting-engaged-shes-going-steal-spotlight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc0147db-badb-43fc-b638-e5b149176146Post:3c0c663e-ce0f-40e9-be64-d83f6ffd6ace">Re: Mom is getting engaged too! i know she's going to steal the spotlight!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom is getting engaged too! i know she's going to steal the spotlight! : If only. FI's brother did this to his mom when she got engaged to an amazing man who makes her extremely happy. Not only did he NOT congratulate them and make a fuss about how they were stealing his engagement thunder, he told them they couldn't get married before him and his FI, and THEN was STILL upset when they got married a month after him because it was too close to his wedding! He didn't even show up to their wedding... he had a legitimate business trip, but I'm still convinced that he purposefully scheduled it for that weekend just so that he had an excuse not to be there. And, three years later, he STILL brings it up. UGH. OP, if you aren't MUD and you are following in my FBIL's steps, hopefully you just read that little re-cap and thought "wow... he sounds really selfish" and realize that you sound a little selfish too. Your mom is going through a divorce, which you know is good for her, and is now engaged to a guy you think is wonderful... and yet you're worried about her stealing your spotlight? Mostly you just sound jealous because she's going to get the things she wants for her wedding and you won't. Your caveat that they not get married first was rude, and your post-justification of it sounds pretty judgmental. I'm sure there will be some overlap on the guest list, but definitely not enough for 'thunderstealing'.<strong> No one can steal your thunder unless they're stealing your FI, because HE"S the important part of the wedding, not the food or the flowers or how expensive anything is.</strong> It's the fact that you're going to have him for the rest of your life. And, going by life span, you two wll have a much longer life together than your mother will with her new hubby. So maybe you should just be happy that your mom has found someone that you approve of to spend the rest of your life with, and start focusing on the guy you're going to be spending the rest of your life with, instead of focusing on whose wedding is going to be bigger / better.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

This may be my new favorite thing I've ever read on TK. Excellent point LoveMuffins!

OP I think it's also worth pointing out that older couples sometimes have more success with shorter relationships before marriage than younger couples do. The older you are, the better you know yourself, your needs, your wants and what you can and can't live with for a partner and that can help you determine whether or not a partner is right for you much more quickly than someone in their 20s.  So even if you are concerned about how fast your mother is moving in her new relationship, it may have a good chance of working out because of her life experiences. Hopefully thinking of it that way will help ease some of your concerns for her.

KateG528

I would like to note that she mentioned that her mom and mom's boyfriend had not even lived together so how oh how can they possibly get married?

I have never lived with my FI and we have been together for 5 years, many of my friends never lived with their FI or husband before marriage, I understand that living with someone is a big change but it does not have to be a huge deal. If you love someone you can accept them and learn to live with them no matter what habits they have you may not like. Marriage is about growing in your relationship and I dont think that living with someone before marriage is necessary to know that you love and cherish that person.

This is just my personal opinion.

mob2689

I can see where you can be a little nervouse, and it sounds as if you said it jokingly about not getting married b4 you but also meant it which is ok in my book as well. I also know the feeling of being "slighted" by family on issues (not a wedding but other situations) and I truely understand that you don't understand and that's ok too. I will never understand it but @ The end of the day, I hold my head up high and with dignity and no regrets because the struggles I endured made me who I am today, we no longer talk it has put a huge strain between us,but I feel your pain and completly understand. I agree with others plan YOUR day, it sounds like it will be while b4 she will be able to remarry since she's not divorced yet, and put her "engagement" waaaayyy in the back of your head and keep moving forward with your plans. Hold your head high and be thankful for the blessings you have today

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-getting-engaged-shes-going-steal-spotlight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:cc0147db-badb-43fc-b638-e5b149176146Post:bcf55b79-98cd-4634-8de1-420da7b95a25">Mom is getting engaged too! i know she's going to steal the spotlight!</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and my FI have been planning our wedding for over a year and a half now, and the wedding is still a good year away. We've had to push it back and push it back again due to finances. Neither of our families can afford to help. We're both students, and we do a pretty good job paying for ourselves given the state of the economy. So with having to pay for college and living on our own, paying for a wedding has been a struggle. Even with saving every penny we have it still seems so far away. We both have HUGE families. I'm talking 200+ on each side.  About a year ago my mom got a divorce. I was totally thrilled. My "step-father" at the time was a completely horrible man who did nothing but hold her back. He and my mother had two children together and could never afford to move out of my grandfather's house. Long story short the man was terrible. Just...TERRIBLE...attitude, financially, emotionally...just horrible!!!!! So she's with this new guy. He loves my mom to death. And my sisters too. He's been great for her. Their moving out together, and all together their making great choices and furthering their lives. My mom's never been happier and everything's great...but they've only been together 4 months.  He's planning on asking her during their house warming party in front of everyone. And it was really considerate of him to ask for my permission first...Of course I told him "yes". I couldn't deny my mom that happiness. But I gave him one condition..."you are not aloud to get married before me and Andrew." In retrospect that might have been a little mean to say, but in all reality I think they need the time. She's not technically divorced yet, and he doesn't even know what she's truly like yet. They haven't even lived together. And you all know how living together can change everything. But I'm terribly worried. Everyday it seems like our wedding is getting more and more forgotten since we've had to push it back so many times. I feel terrible for feeling jealous but it makes me crazy mad.  I just know she's going to steal my thunder. I know she's going to be so eager to get married as soon as possible. But what I really want to know is how in the world is she going to pay for a wedding when she can't even afford to help ME.  I'm almost certain my grandparents are going to pay for it. She's <strong>lived with my grandfather for 14 years now. She may be moving out...but she's moving to a townhouse that my Grandmother owns and is going to pay her rent.</strong> <strong>She's been handed everything all her life. And it makes me mad.  Me and my FI couldn't move in with my Grandfather. Me and my FI couldn't rent the townhouse...I know it's just because they want what's best for us, and that if we ever got ourselves into a bad situation that they'd take us in with open arms. But really!? It makes me so jealous that we're going to have to work for everything</strong> and push our wedding back again and again while she's just going to Steamroll right on it and take over the show. please tell my I'm not crazy for feeling jealous and worried...
Posted by MotleyMiranda[/QUOTE]

Everyone touched on the whole you not getting to dictate when she get's married.

I just want you to reread the bolded part and think about it. I know it's hard being a student, working, paying for things yourself, I've been there. I moved out when I was 18 and never looked back. But can you honestly say your mother is better off than you because she was handed everything in life. I cherish the times I struggled because it taught me so much about myself and what I could handle. IMO you and your FI are better off making your own way than being handed things by your grandparents. I think in time you'll learn that too.