Accepting Offers of Help

maadee91

Over the past couple of months, I've had several people (NOT in the wedding party) extend the offer of "if you need anything at all, let me know!" Is that just a polite way of saying "I'm excited about the wedding!" or a real offer of help? I can think of several things that would be helpful right before the wedding (e.g. putting escort tags on mason jars, which we are renting and can only pick up the day before), but I don't want to contact someone who wasn't really sincere. Also, should I disregard offers that were made a long time ago, such as when we just got engaged (over a year ago, now)? And if I do ask somebody to help, should I be there when they do whatever it is? The point would be them taking over something that I don't really have the time to do, but I don't want to be rude. I just don't want to assume that someone is willing to do errands, etc when they were just being polite.

Simply Fated

Sometimes the offers are just out of courtesy, sometimes they're sincere. Your best bet is to accept the offer, but not plan on them to actually say yes and DEFINITELY don't expect them to do the whole chore alone.

Maybe host a wine night? Invite a couple of friends over for wine and pizza and mason jar labeling. Good rule of thumb? If you don't have time to do it, don't put the deadline pressure on someone else.
You might really benefit from hiring a co-ordinator or someone like that, just to help with last minute details.

maadee91

We're definitely hiring a coordinator, but I'm thinking of the things that are out of her range of duties. I love the party idea, but these are details that HAVE to be done right before the wedding and so I'll be tied up with things like the rehearsal dinner or bachelorette party. I know that it would be really help to have, for example, a family friend and her college-aged daughters (who have offered at least three times), to go to the rental place the day before, pick up the jars, tie the escort cards on, and then drop them off at my place or even bring them with them to the wedding (whichever is convenient for them). If they can't do it on their own, then there's no need asking them, because the point is that I and my wedding party will already have a ton to do and they'd be saving us the time. Does that make sense?

Simply Fated

Skip the bach party or skip the favors. Handing over a project to someone else so you can go out to have a good time will not come across well at all. Asking guests to build their own favors so you can go out and have a good time will DEFINITELY not go over well.

erinlin25

if you do not have time to personally do it or help with it then you should think about skipping the ideas all together.  Having thjem help you do it (with you helping too) is one thing, but unless its your mom, planner or very best friend in the whole entire world (and even that one is pushing the favors) you shouldn't be putting things off on people to do for you.  Make time to help them out at least.  If its something small like picking something up or something easy like that, sure ask a friend.  But nobody should be "working" for your wedding  unless you are paying them (like your planner). 

Definitely skip asking people who offered way back when-- a lot of time I do think that is coutesy excitement.  If you are with a person and you mention something has to get done and THEY offer, then its probably ok--but don't go calling them up out of the blue and asking for help unless you plan a party where you all do it together.   

AJuliaNJ

I may be a bit cynical, but I would consider every offer to help as something said out of courtesy unless it was offered multiple times, or made by a close family member or friend.

I don't like asking people to do stuff for me, so I hired a planner. I've invited some friends and my mom to do things I thought they'd enjoy like cake tasting, visiting a venue with me, and going to a wedding show. I couldn't imagine asking someone to pick up or drop something off for me (maybe WITH me if it was heavy or there was just a lot of stuff). If I was going to DIY on favors or anything else, I would host a dinner and drinks at my house for anyone who wanted to help (but definitely not required). I feel like this is my wedding and it shouldn't create extra work for other people.

winelover123

Unless you're going to be there too, don't ask someone to do something for you. It's one thing to ask for help when you're working on your escort cards or favors or whatever and a completely other thing to more or less dump work on a guest, even if they do offer.

brittanycurtisjohnson

I've only accepted one persons help because I know she was sincere because she gave a date. It went like this: "how's the wedding going?" "Stressed, I'm way behind." "Let me know if you need anything when I get back from my trip" "I would love some help finding centerpieces, wanna go Saturday?" "It's a date!" And from there we decided we would have a pizza/wine/glue gun night.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accepting-offers-of-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cfbdb448-259c-40bb-9d3c-8f2fba0e7c28Post:bcfd8c26-1332-4d1d-94ff-4e8d277e5132">Re: Accepting Offers of Help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Never ask anyone to do something you aren't willing to do yourself.</strong>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Very wise advise that you should carry with you throughout life.</div>

Kate61487

I think it depends on your relationship with the person and how involved the task is.  It sounds like this friend is legitimately interested in helping since she's offered numerous times, but even still a meanial repetitive task like tying on favor tags just seems like a lot to ask without you even being there to help.  I feel like there's a difference between "I'm working on this and could use some help, wanna come over?" vs. "please do this to this specification and drop it off by this time"; kwim?

Offers we accepted during wedding planning:
-GM offered to design our wedding invitations; he and I did it together with a lot of back and forth on emails.  He explicitly offered to help with this task and it is something he's good at / has done before.  He also offered to help with invitation assembly, but H and I did that on our own
- MOH ran errands the day before with me and my mom, helped fold escort cards (again WITH me) - basically she just spent the whole day with me and if I was working on it she was working on it.
- family friend / neighbor hung out at my parents' house before the RD to heat up / set out the food so it would be ready when everyone arrived after the rehearsal
- my mom did a shiz-ton of stuff but she and my dad were the hosts so I don't know if that counts....

oo ETA - MIL also did the welcome bags for us.  She asked what we had left and I mentioned I was still thinking about doing those and then she took care of it from start to finish.  But again she volunteered for that task specifically.  Plus she's H's mom so it's less awkward to ask family for help...

lyndsay782

I'm glad the OP posted this.  I have some issues with controlling things, and part of that is accepting help from people.  I'm of the mind set that a bridal party is supposed to show up, wear a dress, and thats it.  Anything else is a bonus. 

My FMIL and FH seem to think that my three bridesmaids are supposed to do everything wedding related with me.  Bridal shows, decorations, everything. I've been trying to explain that if they offer, then thats one thing, but bridal party doesn't equal indentured servant... They see me get stressed out, and rather than offering to help, they pass it off as "your bridesmaids should help you with that"...  whatever.

And people not in the BP have been asking to help, and I have a little bit of a trust issue with that.   For now I just say "I'll let you know when I need help" and leave it at that, but some have asked me multiple times, so I'm guessing they mean it, but we will see when it comes time to making my coffee filter flowers who is available to help and who isn't. 

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accepting-offers-of-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cfbdb448-259c-40bb-9d3c-8f2fba0e7c28Post:46c7ad59-93ae-481f-a285-9582352505fe">Re: Accepting Offers of Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad the OP posted this.  I have some issues with controlling things, and part of that is accepting help from people.  I'm of the mind set that a bridal party is supposed to show up, wear a dress, and thats it.  Anything else is a bonus.  My FMIL and FH seem to think that my three bridesmaids are supposed to do everything wedding related with me.  Bridal shows, decorations, everything. I've been trying to explain that if they offer, then thats one thing, but bridal party doesn't equal indentured servant... They see me get stressed out, and rather than offering to help, they pass it off as "your bridesmaids should help you with that"...  whatever. And people not in the BP have been asking to help, and I have a little bit of a trust issue with that.   For now I just say "I'll let you know when I need help" and leave it at that, but some have asked me multiple times, so I'm guessing they mean it, but we will see when it comes time to making my <strong>coffee filter flowers</strong> who is available to help and who isn't. 
Posted by lyndsay782[/QUOTE]

You're doing these too? Awesome! I have the tutorial and the coffee filters - I'm giving mine a go for the first time tonight!

lyndsay782

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accepting-offers-of-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cfbdb448-259c-40bb-9d3c-8f2fba0e7c28Post:71c2dbc7-7e39-4bab-b0db-da8279869f53">Re: Accepting Offers of Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Accepting Offers of Help : You're doing these too? Awesome! I have the tutorial and the coffee filters - I'm giving mine a go for the first time tonight!
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

<div>I saw a few examples at a friends house, and they actually look pretty good!  I have to figure out what colors I'm gonna die the filters, but it's so cheap and easy.  And for my shabby chic decor, it looks nicer than the silk flowers I've seen.  </div>

KJiras

I think most often it's a curteousy - but like what other posters have mentioned if it's a close family friend and they offer more than once, or offer with something specific I think it'd be OK to take them up on it if they are "helping" - meaning helping you,  to echo other commenters. Those who offer so generously likely enjoy being part of your process and special day. Doing it alone without the bride wouldn't quite be the same.

I know you didn't ask for this piece of advice, and sorry if it comes off as adding my two cents at a time when everyone is doing that! But I'd maybe rethink using something that has such tight time restrictions that you won't be able to handle assembling it. I might have read it wrong but you are renting mason jars as accessories to your escort cards? What if someone takes one home? Any way you can purchase them to have them farther in advance? I've found them pretty cheap by me but I know that doesn't always mean they are available at the same price by you or fit your budget. I know traditions vary but perhaps the rehersal could not be the night before but two nights before...leaving the day before open for you to tackle any last minute tasks. Again, that might be totally unfeasible for you. 

Peledreamsofrain

Ditching someone with a crap job is never nice, even if they 'asked for it'.  Nobody expects to be sat in a corner and left there with a mound of mind-numbingly boring work like a third world factory worker.  If I had offered to help, and you had abandoned me to the favors while you went out and partied, I would have done a bad job on the favors.

lyndsay782

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_accepting-offers-of-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:cfbdb448-259c-40bb-9d3c-8f2fba0e7c28Post:9290026b-5192-4170-b9d0-8a0104e2d9a4">Re: Accepting Offers of Help</a>:
[QUOTE]lyndsay, tell mom an FMIL this:  "Mom and FMIL, my bridesmaids are my friends. Giving them chores is not an honor for them, and I don't want to make them WORK for me for nothing.   Think about it.  They'll have to take time out of their lives to do boring things.  Going to vendor appointments is a necessary evil for me.  Planning is work!  It's my wedding, not theirs.  Please stop.  I am tired of talking about this.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's actually pretty close to what I said...  and then I added "Fiancee, since its OUR day, stop pushing these things off on other people." Since he was the other one trying to tell me what my BP's jobs were. 

</div>

MsYeck

While I understanding renting mason jars is fairly cheap so is buying them at Walmart I think it was like $8 a dozen at my local store. Then you could do a wine night and some girls could do items with you in advance and you wouldn't have o worry aot any ping missing or getting damaged.

maadee91

Thanks for the replies everybody! I'll skip on asking for help for this particular task. I'll squeeze it in between events myself.