Future-in-Laws

moonunit2011

So, I have been dating my fiance for almost two years. I'm very close to my family, and he seems to have a very distant relationship with his. In the beginning, we visited them often, then gradually less and less. I understand his resentment, because his parents weren't very good to him or his brothers and sisters. His mom kicked him out at a young age, but it turns out just a few months before CPS took the rest of them away anyway. He was living with a relative, but when his mom found out how happy he was she had him put in foster care instead. It's hard to be respectful of someone who has caused the one you love so much pain, but i've tried. I've tried talking to her, spending time with her, being nice to her, everything! Everytime i try to talk to her, she acts like she has nothing she wants to say to me, or she just whines about how much her kids hate her. The rest of his family seems nice enough, but he swears up and down all they do is use him too. So when i ask him to go see my family with me, what does he do? Hold it over my head that i never want to see his family. When i explain to him that the only thing i have against his family is the way they've treated him, then all of a sudden he doesn't care because he doesn't want me to like them anyway.
I get angry with him when he says negative things about my family because i'm very close to them, but i'm having a hard time figuring out where his family stands. When i try to say nice things about him, he bitterly talks about the bad things they've done to him. When i say bad things about them, he tells me its not fair i can say bad things about his family and he can't say bad things about mine. I try to keep my mouth shut, but it's hard not to have an opinion one way or the other. Not to mention that FMIL has started telling people that i won't let her son talk to her, so when he ignores her phone calls because he doesn't want to talk to her, i get blamed for it to the rest of the family.

Ugh.... sorry if this is incoherent, so to get to the bottom line, how do i deal with this? My FMIL thinks i hate her, and i don't even know if i do/should or not!

ichellemay1

A CN version would help get more responses.  IMO you and your FI have some issues to work out before you worry about the FMIL.  My advice would be to get some counseling.

Kristin789

>>I get angry with him when he says negative things about my family

I would not tolerate this at all.  Red flag.

>>When i try to say nice things / When i say bad things about them

Don't talk about them at all.  My DH's family is very very different from my own, and I kept pointing that out until DH said, "Hey, that's my FAMILY."  And from then on, I shut up about it (OK, I still roll my eyes quite a bit), because I don't want him talking about how my family does things either.  Your FI is a grown man.  The days of him living with a relative to escapt child services are way way way in the past.

>>I try to keep my mouth shut, but it's hard not to have an opinion one way or the other.

Oh, I have an opinion - I think DH's family is full of selfish, self-centered, loud, boorish, USERS who don't treat DH as well as he deserves.   And I'm not saying you shouldn't have an opinion.  But you reallly can't be sharing your judgements about his family all the time.  Or EVER, really.

>>FMIL has started telling people that i won't let her son talk to her

This issue is between FMIL and FI.  Not you.  FI will have to deal with this.  She's HIS mother, not yours.

/>>how do i deal with this?

You don't.  Stop thinking that FMIL should be your new best friend.  She's not.  If you met her in a cooking class at the local grocery story, you probably would be friendly but you'd talk to the person on the other side of you.  You and FMIL just don't have anything, outside of FI, in common.  That's not a friendship.  That's being related by marriage.  V E R Y different.

vixey

Simple solution - quit trying to be friends with FMIL, and stop talking about her at all.

And if FI is throwing a fit about visiting with your family, well that's only going to get worse with time - so I'd address it soon

ETA: next time please use paragraphs, it's a lot easier to read posts that way

orangecrush32

PP have given good advice. I'd just add that maybe you shouldn't always bring your FI with you when visiting your family. Occassionally it's fine, but if it happens often, your FI might feel like you don't think his family is as important as yours since the two of you visit yours so often..even if he isn't as close with his.

You being close with your family is wonderful, however, it doesn't mean your FI has to be close with your family. Same goes in reverse.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d7b6f626-2042-4ab9-87b4-53886fe86260Post:318b8040-fa21-4afc-9fb8-5b8628f7971f">Re: Future-in-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE] />>I get angry with him when he says negative things about my family I would not tolerate this at all.  Red flag. >>When i try to say nice things / When i say bad things about them Don't talk about them at all.  My DH's family is very very different from my own, and I kept pointing that out until DH said, "Hey, that's my FAMILY."  And from then on, I shut up about it (OK, I still roll my eyes quite a bit), because I don't want him talking about how my family does things either.  Your FI is a grown man.  The days of him living with a relative to escapt child services are way way way in the past. >>I try to keep my mouth shut, but it's hard not to have an opinion one way or the other. Oh, I have an opinion - I think DH's family is full of selfish, self-centered, loud, boorish, USERS who don't treat DH as well as he deserves.   And I'm not saying you shouldn't have an opinion.  But you reallly can't be sharing your judgements about his family all the time.  Or EVER, really. >>FMIL has started telling people that i won't let her son talk to her This issue is between FMIL and FI.  Not you.  FI will have to deal with this.  She's HIS mother, not yours. />>how do i deal with this? You don't.  Stop thinking that FMIL should be your new best friend.  She's not.  If you met her in a cooking class at the local grocery story, you probably would be friendly but you'd talk to the person on the other side of you.  You and FMIL just don't have anything, outside of FI, in common.  That's not a friendship.  That's being related by marriage.  V E R Y different.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

I can't believe I'm going to say it, but Kristin is right on this one. FI has every right to bash his family because they're his. You can have opinions about them, but you shouldn't voice them to him or them. Even though his family hasn't treated him all that well, they're still his family. I have many things I don't like about my family, but when someone outside of the situation wants to chime in and voice opinions, I tend to go on the defensive.

FI needs to work out his issues with his family, and I think you both need to speak with someone about the issues between the two of you.

BeeBee22

The advice you've been given so far is all good.  I would add that it's imperative that your FI get into some kind of counseling ASAP.  

..."his parents weren't very good to him or his brothers and sisters. His mom kicked him out at a young age, but it turns out just a few months before CPS took the rest of them away anyway. He was living with a relative, but when his mom found out how happy he was she had him put in foster care instead."

This sort of treatment creates permanent damage in a child - not insurmountable, but permanent.  I survived an abusive childhood, and have a good life, but (with therapy) am aware of the damage and the tendencies it has hard-wired into my system (profound lack of confidence, certain irrational fears, etc.,).  You can learn to work with them, recognizing when your damage is acting up, looking it in the eye - as the adult you are and not the child you were when it was inflicted upon you - and overcoming your self-destructive tendencies.  

It doesn't sound as if he's had the chance or inclination really face up to the damage inflicted by his own family, which is why his anger comes out in all kinds of weird ways and his reactions to things are all over the place.

Because he was in foster care, they may be able to help direct him to resources specializing in this sort of background (or he can find such a specialist on his own).  Very best of luck to you both.  This sort of thing CAN be coped with in a healthy, happy life, but it helps to know that the scars are always there, so you don't get too frustrated about not being "cured" when things sometimes get hard - every time you face up to your demons and face them down, it gets easier

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:d7b6f626-2042-4ab9-87b4-53886fe86260Post:e45d3e8c-8383-490c-af05-1991488bbcf1">Re: Future-in-Laws</a>:
[QUOTE]Kristin offered very good advice.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I'll never get used to reading that.

moonunit2011

I really appreciate everyone's advice.

I love him very much and it makes me so sad that he went through so many horrible things when he was a child. I know i can never understand how it felt to go through those things, and i try to do things to make him feel better, but i just don't know what to do. One thing i am not okay with, though, is letting it come between my family and me and, for that matter, him.