Setting the record straight...

DaughterOfHelaman2709

Since most of you think I'm a whiny brat that shouldn't be getting married, I am going to take a moment here and set the record straight. 

I had a lovely living arrangement when I first moved here.  I chose to help FMIL out knowing that it would be temporary.  I thought (silly me) that it would help us grow closer.  Instead, I have been ignored at almost every turn for a year.  The reason I stay is because if I left, FI would have to deal with her himself and she treats him only a little better than she treats me, i.e., she addresses him directly when she wants something.  While he hasn't been the greatest at initiating conversations with her that would better the situation, I don't believe it's fair of me to expect him to; she's a hard woman to talk to.  That being said, I do love her, and I appreciate what she has done for her family since her husband's death.  I wish she would talk to me, and I'm very upset that she doesn't, but I believe that will come in time.  I may have to have a child before things get better, but they will. 

As for why I am marrying my husband:  Yes, he is nearly spineless when it comes to Mom, but so am I.  However, when I have said something to stand up for myself, he stands with me, and he does speak his mind (however much his voice shakes) when she does something completely out of line.  I realize I haven't given him credit for this.  He is also the kindest, most loving man I have ever met; he is my best friend, and his greatest motivation in life is to make me happy.  I have seen so many stories on here about women whose fiance's are jerks, and I am so glad that for the first time in my life, I'm not in that position.  I can say with all honesty that he has never said anything purposefully hurtful to me, and he has tried as hard as he can to make my time in that house bearable. 

Yes, I have vented here about the IL's.  Yes, I have gone to my mother and vented about the IL's, which is probably where the rest of my family is finding their ire.  But if I can't come here to vent, or go to my Mom, where can I go?  I've been in some really infuriating situations that I would love to see any one of you handle any better.  We all need someone to talk to, do we not?  Isn't that why we're here?

Sincerely,

Bratty Katie

PS--We are moving out the first of January.  Considering that the wedding is in three weeks, and Christmas is thereafter, I hope that's soon enough for y'all.

wegsmom

Best of luck to you on marriage and family.

MairePoppy

Katie-if I found out that my daughter's fmil (or anyone else) was treating her the way your fmil treats you, I would be as angry as your mother is. It is not my style to head to a family gathering with the intention of fighting it out. I prefer to stay away from people that I don't like. If you know that your family is going to defend your honor in an unacceptable way, you should probably not share stories about fmil with them. It would be better if you had a cool headed friend and your fi as your confidants.

If you really think you have a  Hatfield/McCoy situation brewing, you should let all parties know that they will be asked to leave if they cause a scene at your wedding. Ask mom to back you up on this. Hopefully, your family has enough respect for you to be polite and allow you to enjoy your wedding.

I'm glad to hear that you have a plan to move out. Once you are out of her house, you will be able to control the amount of contact you have with her. My guess is that she will back down a little bit, once she realizes that you are not at her mercy any longer.

Good luck.

cyn1812000

I say good luck on your weddng - and I agree about the venting.  I too have vented some about my maids - and was made to feel on here as if I were a terrible friend.  The truth is I'm not, none of my friends think I am, I'm just really stressed - and who better to understand than other brides-to-be? 

So I completely understand and sympathize with you.  I'm sure with time things will get better and I truly hope you can make it through the wedding without too much drama. 

heatherw1725

GL with the wedding and FMIL situation.

I normally don't post on this thread just read through comments and I agree with PP some of the people on here are just mean.  I don't think you should get scrutinized and picked apart for just venting.

AutumnFair

DOH, I always felt bad for your problems and I really hope that after you move out of your FMIL's apartment that her controlling powers will have a less of an impact on you. 

But with that being said you have to realize that her controlling nature with NEVER go away, even after you move out and if your FI can NOT take a stand against his mother then be prepared for constant arguments with her for years and years to come. Plus it should NOT be your job to stand up to her for every problem, it should be your FI. To many people this is a red flag, and needs to be address, because unless you like arguing, drama, stress, be prepared for A LOT of it that if your FI can not grow some courage and just stand up to his mom. Just realize when you complain about his FMIL on here, there is never direct action taken by your FI, he's always on the side line letting you get upset about the crazy stuff she does. It isn't until we keep pointing out that HE needs to step up to plate with his mom, that you make him take action. You just need to realize that the her actions that make you uncomfortable or upset need to be direct to your FI and HE needs to IMMEDIATELY correct the problem with HIS mother. I'm telling you if he can get into a habit into standing up to his mom, then your drama with her will go down because she will know that whatever crap she does to you or both of you will not be tolerated. 

As for your family, you already got advice on filtering your words to them, if your family is one that confronts people for their actions you have to be very careful in what you say. 

I wish you and your FI the best and that hopefully all the advice you get here for certain problems you have posted will help you in the future in dealing with his mom. 

lavieboheme73

I don't think you're a whiny brat.  I think you're human like anyone else, and you have managed to fall into a dysfunctional relationship with your MIL.  It sounds like she hasn't exactly been helping things from her side, either.  I also don't think it's unreasonable for you to talk to your family about what you're going through...that's what family is for.  You just have to be careful not to let it take over your whole life.  It sounds like you're stressing over this way more than it deserves...if FMIL is really that much of a beast, you're probably never going to be best friends.  It happens.  It doesn't mean you can't be civil.

As for your family, I wouldn't worry much about them, either.  I think someone else mentioned on your last post that what people say they're going to do, and what actually happens when they're face to face can be two completely different things.  I don't seriously think your family is going to disrespect you on your day just for the sake of having their say. 

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_setting-record-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddd6b82c-c749-4c1e-9d5b-6555d8a23740Post:bda2d993-21e0-45df-9dc9-49e7aa9ea2d9">Re: Setting the record straight...</a>:
[QUOTE]GL with the wedding and FMIL situation. I normally don't post on this thread just read through comments and I agree with PP some of the people on here are just mean.  I don't think you should get scrutinized and picked apart for just venting.
Posted by heatherw1725[/QUOTE]

This is the first time I've seen DaughterofHelam spell out everything in one post. We can only respond to what she puts out there. If she wasn't clear, or left out some details, all we can comment on is what she's told us. It's not scrutinizing and picking apart, it's trying to understand what's written in a post and giving a true and honest response. A response that most people's family and friends won't give them. We don't know you from jack or jill, so if you take what we say the wrong way, or you don't agree with what we've posted, that's fine. I don't go home at night wondering if I hurt someone's feelings for being honest and open about the situation presented.

OP - I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and think it's great that you have a plan to move out. Hopefully distance will help this, but it may never change. If if takes your FI seeing you get upset before he says something to his mom instead of taking the iniative instantly when something inappropriate is said or done, then that's where we all question his spine. It shouldn't take you going to him upset for him to finally stand up to his mother. It sounds like she's an extremely overbearing woman and he doesn't truly feel like he's grown up and can stand up to her. Hopefully that changes with you all moving out.

I wish you luck, and understand that no one knows what goes on in a relationship but the two people that are in it (I think I stole that from Trish on the WP board).

Edited: Fingers missed whole words today

orangecrush32

I've never thought of you as a whiny brat. I definitely understand the need to vent to someone about something like this. This isn't an ideal situation and I'm sure things will get at least a tiny bit better once you and your FI move out of the house. I'm not sure how far away you two will be moving, but even if it's next door the distance will be better. Living under the same roof as someone like that is never easy. I wish you and your FI the best and hope that thing with his mother calm.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_setting-record-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ddd6b82c-c749-4c1e-9d5b-6555d8a23740Post:3d3ea7a5-5b4a-4aeb-b885-b76db97ae120">Re: Setting the record straight...</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never thought of you as a whiny brat. I definitely understand the need to vent to someone about something like this.<strong> This isn't an ideal situation and I'm sure things will get at least a tiny bit better once you and your FI move out of the house.</strong> I'm not sure how far away you two will be moving, but even if it's next door the distance will be better. Living under the same roof as someone like that is never easy. I wish you and your FI the best and hope that thing with his mother calm. :)
Posted by orangecrush32[/QUOTE]

Newsflash -- wedding rings don't come with testicles. More at 11.

orangecrush32

I wasn't saying her FI's reaction would get better but that her FMIL would be less involved with their life.

Thanks for putting words in my mouth though.

NOLAbridealmost

OP, 

I don't think anyone thinks you are a whiny brat who shouldn't get married.  I think that many of us are just thinking that we would not be able to sign on for a life in law drama at the severe level you've described. 

Good luck to you. Hopefully you can interact with FMIL much, much, much less after moving out.  

marinabreeze

I know I'm late to the party, but I haven't been on much over the long weekend and I'm just now seeing this.  And I feel like I should also comment because I've seen your previous posts and I've commented on at least one of them.

I don't think you're a brat, Katie, and I don't think that most other posters were saying that at all.  I think that a lot of us were trying to warn you that if your FI doesn't grow a pair and stand up for you consistently (because he himself finds your FMIL's treatment of you detestable, not just because you complain hard enough to him), things aren't going to get better from here.

People were saying, in addition, that you shouldn't run to your family members to telll them the details of what's going on with your FMIL.  The main reason being that doing so can cause discord between the families, which seems to already be the case.  You have every right to decompress and to vent, though, so your FI, closest friends, a therapist, etc., all should be viable options.  Especially your FI, because he is the one who has the power to do something about the situation.

Also, yes, people were encouraging you to move out not because of most anyone thinking you're a brat, but because living with someone gives them a lot of leverage, even if it is to help them out.  I moved in with my mom back in 2007 to help her out with transitioning to widowhood/single motherhood after my dad died.  Overall, I think it was a good experience.  However, my mom can be a very difficult person, complete with mood swings.  So, she would occasionally get upset over petty things and threaten to kick me out.  And also, I was losing money hand over fist living at home when I would've been better off financially (and mentally) living by myself.  So after about a year, I moved out and back to my current city. 

I'm glad you and your FI have a plan for moving out, but your FMIL will still be a factor, and long-term (with holidays, grandchildren, etc.), not living with her doesn't equal freedom from her meddling and meanness.  Moving out in January may be helpful in the short term, but your FI absolutely must step up and deal with his mother on a more consistent basis for things to get better for you and for your relationship in the long term.