Moms and Maids

My mother (aka Satan)

Let me preface this by saying that I was raied by my maternal grandparents because my mother had me when she was 20 and my father was never in the picture. She has since been resentful that at the age of 9, when I was finally awarded the opportunity to live with her, that I chose to stay with my grandparents instead.

Fast forward 15 years.

I am getting married in June. I have tried and tried to get my mother invested in my wedding. She has told me that she doesn't approve me marrying my fiance. She has made it very clear that she hates my MOH. She hasn't shown up to a single wedding dress, florist, or tasting appointment. Every time I bring up my wedding to her, all I get is a "hmph." So, finally, I stopped asking her. When she found out I did something without her (had my dress fitted), she went crazy (as if she wasn't already).

Now, she's started sending me "mother-of-the-bride" dress ideas. All of the dresses are indicative of a mid-life crisis. They are all extremely low cut in both the front and the back and look more like gaudy prom dresses than something a 45 year old woman should be wearing.

What I have said is only the tip of the ice berg. And really what I'm getting at is that I don't want her at my wedding. She's being selfish and unpredictable - exactly what I don't want at my wedding. This is my day, and for the first time in my life, I want to make sure that it doesn't end up about her.

If you have any advice about whether or not I should disclude her and if I should, how I should go about doing it, let me know.

This is so hard...Cry

Re: My mother (aka Satan)

  • I am really sorry you're going through this. I really don't have experience to relate - I think your best recourse is to maybe talk to your grandparents and see what they think you should do.

    I will say what my gut is telling me on this though. Think hard about it - is it really worth the drama it would cause to not have her there? To have her, maybe, try to crash or do something else ridiculous? I think the best, maybe, would be to involve her minimally to keep her happy and then ignore the rest. Let her wear what she wants. If she looks inappropriate, people will side-eye her, not you. Give her a corsage and sit her in the front row. She doesn't have to walk in specially or be introduced - but still treat her as family. During the planning, mention things to her, but don't expect any reaction or help. That way she'll feel involved enough to not complain about it but you won't actually expect her to do anything. Trust me, day of, attention will be on you, not her.

    Again, I am so so sorry.
  • I think that if you don't invite her, it could potentially make a bad situation worse.
    She sounds like she craves attention and she wants it when she wants it, not when it's offered.

    You could try keeping her posted when there are fittings, tastings, what ever, but don't hold your breath that she'll show up. It sounds like you hoped this would bring you two together or something and, sadly, she let you down again. :(

    If she is paying for her own dress, let her wear what style she wants. If she looks like a skanky 80's prom freak, that'll be on her, not you.

    The wedding won't be about you because you're the bride. Don't get me wrong, I totally know where you're coming from. My mom made my bat mitzvah about her. You have an advantage I didn't have. She's not paying, she's not writing up the guest list, and she's not calling all the shots. You are and if she starts acting like a mess, you can take control. Is there someone at your venue you can rely on to cut in if there is an issue?
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  • edited December 2012
    You should really think this through before you make a decison on whether to uninvite your mom to your wedding. What do you think your mother's reaction will be? Will she accept your decision or will she attempt to crash your wedding and make a scene? We have heard from brides that have had to hire security to keep out unwanted guests, including moms. I'm not saying you shouldn't do this, but you should have a plan.

    My guess is that it would just be easier to invite her, involve her in only the things she absolutely must know about. Don't ask her opinions or let her upset you. You can always walk away or hang up from an argument. Don't give her the attention she wants.

    If your mom is sending you pictures of trashy dresses because she is genuinely clueless, then offer some constructive advice. If you think she is just trying to upset or upstage you, ignore her. The moms get to choose their own dresses for the wedding, so there isn't much point in arguing with her about it. Those pictures will come back to haunt her later.


                       
  • Thank you guys so much for the advice. After hearing all of you, I will go ahead and invite her. I will also tell her that the dress is completely up to her.

    My grandparents have taken on the repsonsibility of the wedding. My grandmother has been SO wonderful and supportive; I don't feel as though I've missed out on anything because of her.

    I am absolutely positive that she WILL make a scene at my wedding. I really liked how retreadbride and CMGr said that anything crazy she does will only make HER look crazy, not me.

    I'll just put her in the back... behind a column... where I can't see her. Tongue Out
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-aka-satan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee2097be-aad3-4d70-9c53-24e15df8e422Post:9d1e5289-d275-4202-bb35-65f2620ef1b3">Re: My mother (aka Satan)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a retired church organist, and I have seen it all. At one wedding, the MOG wore a floor length white dress and no underpants.  How do I know?  <strong>She was a brunette, and you could see San Francisco through the dress.</strong>  I couldn't look at her with a straight face, so I concentrated on the music.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
    <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" />
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-aka-satan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee2097be-aad3-4d70-9c53-24e15df8e422Post:9d1e5289-d275-4202-bb35-65f2620ef1b3">Re: My mother (aka Satan)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a retired church organist, and I have seen it all. At one wedding, the MOG wore a floor length white dress and no underpants.  How do I know?  She was a brunette, and you could see San Francisco through the dress.  I couldn't look at her with a straight face, so I concentrated on the music.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]


    Hahahahaha!!<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /> Thank you for the laugh of the evening!
  • CMGr  - Oh my!
                       
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