Mother in Law Trauma

jtadich

Last night I had an arguement with my fiance's mother. While she has invited me over and had 9 months to get to know me the effort has been minimal to find out more about me. I went over to her house last night with the intend of talking through things and hopefulliy finding some common ground. In the first minutes of our conversation she states that the reason she is "waiting for us to fall apart". I'm stunned and hurt. I don't know how to proceed when she obviously is not supportive of her son's decision. I don't know where to go from here.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-trauma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f59b6c5c-7232-45e6-b0da-33767cdddf11Post:af93d1da-587b-4484-b84d-ba37a6c1d8e3">Mother in Law Trauma</a>:
[QUOTE]Last night I had an arguement with my fiance's mother. While she has invited me over and had 9 months to get to know me the effort has been minimal to find out more about me. I went over to her house last night with the intend of talking through things and hopefulliy finding some common ground. In the first minutes of our conversation she states that the reason she is "waiting for us to fall apart". I'm stunned and hurt. I don't know how to proceed when she obviously is not supportive of her son's decision. I don't know where to go from here.
Posted by jtadich[/QUOTE]
Where is your FI in all of this?  If he supports you in spite of his mother, then the two of you can deal with it together.  If he won't stand up to Mommy and defend you, then you have bigger problems.

ChanelShades

Ugh! I despise mothers like this. Just keep trucking and realize that her son adores you. You are marrying him and not her. He has obviously made his decision. Tell her don't hold her breath while she is waiting! Kill her with kindness. 

kkayh

I have the same problem with my fmil, except she doesn't even look or speak to me when we are in the same room. But...these women obviously have issues of their own (insecurities and maybe a bad marriage themselves). I'm begining to think that things were bad before we came into the picture.

I guess there comes a point where their sons have chosen us, knowing how their mother felt. Our fiances are grown men, and I suppose its a good thing they don't let their mothers run their life. The downside is awkward holidays and family get togethers, but I'm begining to think these FMIL's aren't ever going to change. Maybe we should just make the best of it, grin and bear it when we HAVE to be around them.

jagore08

kkayh has the right idea.  You won't change their minds, they have to change it themselves.  Until then talk to your FI, let them know what's going on and tell him your feelings.  Sometimes men just don't see what's going on tight in front of their faces.  He should have your back and that's all that matters.  Yes, the situation is not ideal but you just have to take the high road and grin and bear it. 

[Deleted User]

I agree with aerin. FI should stick up for you and not let her treat you that way. I have just about the opposite issue. My mom treats me like crap, and FI always sticks up for me whenever we see her and she starts her crap.

okieanna

Yikes... www.motherinlawstories.com support message board! Might want to read and check in with the ladies there that deal with inlaws like this....before you go on with marrying your FI

JenyBabe

I agree that in the end it will have to be your FI to step in, but maybe rationalizing with her would help too.  Let her know that you understand that she's concerned for her son, and try to understand that feeling, so that when you say it you can say it with sincerity.  That doesn't mean you have to agree with her feelings, but as someone else already pointed out, she could have her own insecurities from her own experiences that make her feel this way.  But maybe if you spell it out for her, addressing what her view will do to her relationship with you, with her son, and eventually with her grandchildren, that you're in it for life and that if she wants to be part of that life with you, with her son (who she cares enough about and loves enough to be completely honest with you, even if her view is wrong and she didn't put it out there in a warm fashion), and with your children, then she needs to work on not aliennating you.  If you feel uncomfortable around her or around her attitude towards you, consciously or not, you're going to find yourself less inclined to suggest visits to your hubby or invite her over.  She'll have to weigh her options and hopefully she chooses the path that will cause less pain and drama on your end.

AliandDan2010

My FMIL doesn't care for me much either. She says that with what she doesn't say. It hurts especially when you try to reach out and be the more mature person BUT with the good comes the bad sometimes- I love my FI, he always defends and so do all of my other FIL's.. FMIL isn't going to change that.

I agree that sometimes it's about more than just us brides. I get the feeling my FMIL is taking things out on me and not facing what it is thats really bothering her.

Do NOT try and sit down with your FMIL again- you reached out and now it's done. What's tricky is that while FI should support you always you need to be delicate when bashing hid Mom. At teh end of the day it's his Mom/ So I always try to save my major bitch sessions for my best friends, FI is aware and "takes care" of things without my even asking.

GL! I know it's a crappy situation but they wouldn't have so many shows about MIL's if they were great to get a long with

jtadich

You  guys are so amazing! Sometimes you just need a sounding board and a little advice to get past it. My FI is going to talk to his mom about everything she said and hopefully stand behind not only his choice but also me. Now I just have to take a big dose of patience and work through this! Thank you thank you!