Moms and Maids

Advice Please - groom's family feels left out and I'm the bad guy?

Sorry this is long, but any help is GREATLY appreciated!

Some brief background - I got engaged last December, and after that the wedding planning happened really quickly.  Within a month and a half, we had pretty much everything planned : the venue, band, caterer, tent rental (we are getting married in August).  I had already had an idea of where I wanted to get married.  Anyway, my fiance's fam doesn't live in the same state as my parents and the two of us, but they visited over Christmas, and we discussed ideas/plans for the wedding then, before anything was finalized.  Afer that, I've had a few phone and email convos with his mom, talking about progress being made.  My parents are paying, and basically went out and put down payments on everything because our wedding location is high-demand with few vendors, and in February, my finance and I visited the site and talked with the caterers, cake person, and pickedo out tables, chairs, etc.

In February, my fiance told me that his mom was feeling a little left out of the process, and asked if I could get her more involved.  Unfortunately, at that point we had pretty much picked out everything, but I said I would try.  This past week he, my mom, and I looked through an invitation book, and I sent his mom an email asking her to look online at invites and see if she liked any, and to let me know.

Fast-forward to today.  We received a long email (my fiance, me, his sis-in-law and brother) that was a response to a chain of emails about ordering invitations (we are getting a 40% discount from his sis-in-law) saying that 'everyone' feels like they are on the outside, and being left out, and don't know what's going on, and we are inconsiderate, and not to get defensive because everyone loves us and just wants to know what's hapenning.

We just got off a 3-way convo, in which his mom explained the same thing, and said that his sis-in-law and brother didn't know what was going on and i should let everyone know even if I've been making an effort with her, and that we never visit his brother, and that they have no concept of the wedding, etc.

 I told his mom that I'm sorry she feels that way, and that I have been making more effort with her since Kevin told me that, but in terms of everyone else, I had no idea - no one has even asked me a single thing about the wedding - not even an email to say, 'how is wedding planning going'.  I had NO IDEA that anyone even wanted to know, and truthfully, I haven't been thinking about the wedding - I am in graduate school and I am working on my thesis and have even been working weekends.  Not to mention the fact that his brother/sis-in-law have never really reached out to me personally to come visit them.  I'm just not sure how to approach this, and I think that now everyone thinks I am a horrible person!

Re: Advice Please - groom's family feels left out and I'm the bad guy?

  • WhatawagSBNyWhatawagSBNy member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
         Your FI is a big boy now, capable of writing a letter, or an email or making a phone call, all by himself.

        If he has had any ongoing contact before the wedding,  then he has had every opportunity to decide to visit his  brother if he wanted to  do so. 
     
        Brother and sister in law also know how to write letters, email, and call. and do you recall receiving any invitations from them?  No?

        This is a load of BS.

         If they had any manners, they would start - each of them, with a polite how are things going,  what are you working on now?   Not going straight for,  we are feeling left out because we are not  being informed.

         If they are curious, fine, they can politely initiate communication.
        Fact is, every member of both families does not need to be informed  of the details of wedding planning.

         The who, what, where when of every meeting with a vendor, or results, does not matter.  It they have the date and an invitation, they can see the finished product, they don't need to see it under construction.

        Tell FI -  each of the regular times you talk with your family,  let them know anything you feel YOU want to share.   Then there will be no communication problem.

    The whole family is not marrying the whole family.
    If school, wedding, work - and oh, yeah, living daily life?  is filling your time,  don't worry about it.  You do not need another job.

       Surely you don't have your FI on a schedule to fill in your aunts, sisters or brothers, grandparents and such?   Tell him when he starts regular correspondence and phone calls with each of these people,  you will consider his request.
       
        MIL needs to stop being a crybaby.  If she is not happy with his level of communication, she can go stand in front of a mirror and yell at herself.   Not your problem.
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