Need Advice?

lilpbc

Hello,

I'm asian and we're having a traditional wedding at my parents house and do not plan to have a reception or ceremony. Being asian the way to invite family and friends is through word of mouth. I have informed my friends through FB and/or text messages of our traditional wedding and a few have asked if we are having an american reception. At this time I said NO we are not. We are however have a destination wedding in 1.5 years and will only be inviting exclusive family and friends only. I will be creating an informal fb invite for all the friends regarding our traditional wedding date.

My dilemma is this? Should I include that there will be no american reception following on the fb invite? I don't want to sound rude at all but didn't want anyone to expect a reception in the near future. Usually in our culture we don't have an american wedding at all and just elope to city hall. However nowadays if the couple can afford they will host a reception in the near future. In our case we decided for a DW.

Thanks!

s-aries8990

Wait, what?

1) So you ARE having a ceremony? You can't get married without a ceremony- you literally can't, it's be just exchanging rings as presents and won't be recognized. It will be at your parents' house? Ok... Just make sure there is enough seating for everyone you're inviting.

2) You have to have SOME sort of reception following the ceremony for those you are inviting and the reception must reflect the time of day the ceremony is at. If you have a 2/3/8/9pm wedding, you will be fine with cake, beverages, and some snacky foods. If you have an 10/11 am or 12/1/4/5/6pm wedding, you should really serve a meal (lunch or dinner, respectively). You can go all out (passed apps with bar & plated meals) or go low-key (burgers & dogs with other bbq foods). Just as long as you host SOMETHING after the ceremony.

3) You DW won't be a destination wedding, it will be a destination vow renewal, which is kinda silly. Why are you doing it this way? You expect people to travel to far off places to see you pretend to get married, after you're already married? I think that it's asking a lot for them to go without letting them see you get married for real. 1.5 years away is not in the "near fututre" - to me, "near future" is like 1-6 months, tops. Spend some of your DW money now to properly host your guests to your wedding and if you're really SET on having a vow renewal (Because that's what it is!) push it off 6 more months and use that time to save the money you spent properly hosting your guests.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:089298a7-d32d-4013-8fc3-755c74e46df1Post:ec58374a-bf45-4ed8-bd24-a584776a7bcb">Need Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I'm asian and we're having a traditional wedding at my parents house and <strong>do not plan to have a reception or ceremony</strong>. Being asian the way to invite family and friends is through word of mouth. I have informed my friends through FB and/or text messages of our traditional wedding and<strong> a few have asked if we are having an american reception. At this time I said NO we are not. </strong>We are however have a destination wedding in 1.5 years and will only be inviting exclusive family and friends only. I will be creating an informal fb invite for all the friends regarding our traditional wedding date. My dilemma is this? Should I include that <strong>there will be no american reception</strong> following on the fb invite? I don't want to sound rude at all but<strong> didn't want anyone to expect a reception</strong> in the near future. Usually in our culture we don't have an american wedding at all and just elope to city hall. However nowadays if the couple can afford they will host a reception in the near future. In our case we decided for a DW. Thanks!
Posted by lilpbc[/QUOTE]

ETA to bold where you said you weren't having a reception

HobokensFury

What? Please don't use your culture as an excuse for poor etiquette.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:089298a7-d32d-4013-8fc3-755c74e46df1Post:ec58374a-bf45-4ed8-bd24-a584776a7bcb">Need Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I'm asian and we're having a traditional wedding at my parents house and do not plan to have a reception or ceremony. Being asian the way to invite family and friends is through word of mouth. <strong>You should send paper invites </strong>I have informed my friends through FB and/or text messages <strong>This isn't proper</strong> of our traditional wedding and a few have asked if we are having an american reception. At this time I said NO we are not. <strong>If you invite people to your wedding ie the ceremony you must host something afterwards.  It can be anything from a full meal to cake and drinks. </strong>We are however have a destination wedding in 1.5 years and will only be inviting exclusive family and friends only.<strong> What's the point of having a fake wedding in 1.5 years?  Your wedding day is the day you get legally married. </strong> I will be creating an informal fb invite for all the friends regarding our traditional wedding date. <strong>Please don't put anything wedding related on FB.
</strong>My dilemma is this? Should I include that there will be no american reception following on the fb invite? I don't want to sound rude<strong> Honestly your whole plan is rude so what does it matter?</strong> at all but didn't want anyone to expect a reception in the near future. Usually in our culture we don't have an american wedding at all and just elope to city hall. However nowadays if the couple can afford they will host a reception in the near future. In our case we decided for a DW. Thanks!
Posted by lilpbc[/QUOTE]

lilpbc

Wow didn't know I would get this kind of a response. Not everyone has to have an american wedding the proper way with invites and reception.

FYI, Our traditional wedding DOES include a reception. The reception is AT my parents house. Last but not least, we invite people through word of mouth and it's the proper way in our culture.

Thanks anyways.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:089298a7-d32d-4013-8fc3-755c74e46df1Post:3bc5febf-8d0a-4939-8120-042afec1896f">Re: Need Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow didn't know I would get this kind of a response. Not everyone has to have an american wedding the proper way with invites and reception. FYI, Our traditional wedding DOES include a reception. The reception is AT my parents house. Last but not least,<strong> we invite people through word of mouth and it's the proper way in our culture.</strong> Thanks anyways.
Posted by lilpbc[/QUOTE]

Yes but if your friends are not aware of your culture you should send them invites with proper RSVP cards so you can get a somewhat decent head count.

As for people saying that you need to have a reception, no where did you say that you were going to hold a reception at your parents house.  All you said was that you weren't having an american reception afterwards.  We can only go by what you write, we aren't mind readers.  Since you are having a reception after the ceremony then that is fine.

However, what is the point of having a DW 1.5 years later?  When you have your ceremony at your parents house will you be legally married?  With a marriage license and everything?  If so, then I don't get the DW.  If not, I don't get having a cultural ceremony (non-legal) a whole 1.5 years before your legal DW.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:089298a7-d32d-4013-8fc3-755c74e46df1Post:3bc5febf-8d0a-4939-8120-042afec1896f">Re: Need Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow didn't know I would get this kind of a response.<strong> Not everyone has to have an american wedding the proper way with invites and reception.</strong> FYI, <strong>Our traditional wedding DOES include a reception</strong>. The reception is AT my parents house. Last but not least, we invite people through word of mouth and it's the proper way in our culture. Thanks anyways.
Posted by lilpbc[/QUOTE]

When in Rome do as the Romans do: You don't need to have an Americanized wedding, but you should follow some of the basic cultural norms of the country in which you live because it is beneficial for your guests who may not know your culture. It's like trying to barter at the supermarket in America or trying to pay with credit card for street vendors in another country - follow the lead of the natives.

You didn't mention that you were having a reception, in fact you said no reception. I was writing based on what you told me. As long as you host something appropriate for the guests who were invited to the ceremony you are a-ok.

And you can totally invite people by word-of-mouth in America, just follow it up by a paper invite (even if it's just basic ones your print out at home on basic white paper). It's the proper way in American culture. I have great respect for other cultures, but this is where the red-blooded conservative tends to break away from my moderately liberal side: Hold on to your culture, preserve your customs and values, but if you want to live in America you must oberve some of our cultural customs (basic etiquette, trying to learn and speak  English, tipping, etc) because it is going to be expected of you by people who are not intimately familiar with your culture and customs.

melb2013

I completely agree with everything CMGr said.  However, I know why you perceive the modern reception as an "American" reception- that's how my FI's family (from India) refers to it too.  But CMGr is correct, they are not traditionally "American"- simply a modern invention. 

Here's what I'm reading (somewhat reading between the lines here): Sounds like you don't completely want this Asian-style ceremony and reception.  Are you doing this because it's what your family wants?  It sounds like you really want the DW.  If you really want the DW, then that should be your wedding and skip what your family wants.  They can always throw a party to celebrate your marriage for all their family and friends later.  

Sierra524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:089298a7-d32d-4013-8fc3-755c74e46df1Post:09b3e4a2-a9dc-490d-a431-fe5c2c9e2ea5">Re: Need Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here is a cross link to the OPs post in WP.  It explains a bit. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_no-wedding-party-1">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_no-wedding-party-1</a>
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I saw that she explained that she will be "culturally married" but not legally married?!  But didnt bother to offer an explanation beyond that. What exactly does this mean?!

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:089298a7-d32d-4013-8fc3-755c74e46df1Post:47034e67-3d91-43fe-8fbe-a959ba9ffff2">Re: Need Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice? : I saw that she explained that she will be "culturally married" but not legally married?!  But didnt bother to offer an explanation beyond that. What exactly does this mean?!
Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Apparently our tiny American brains (at least mine) couldn't begin to comprehend that another type of wedding exists. </div>

Kristin789

I think she's having some kind of cultural engagement bonding ceremony/party at her parent's house.  It's NOT a legal, real wedding.

Then in 1.5 years, she is having a DW, which will be a legal, real wedding.

And to answer her question directly, NO you would not put on any invitation that there will be no traditional American ceremony.  If people ask you, THEN you can say NO.  But you don't put it on a printed invitation nor on an electronic announcement.

genki_as_hell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:089298a7-d32d-4013-8fc3-755c74e46df1Post:3bc5febf-8d0a-4939-8120-042afec1896f">Re: Need Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow didn't know I would get this kind of a response. Not everyone has to have an american wedding the proper way with invites and reception. FYI, Our traditional wedding DOES include a reception. The reception is AT my parents house. Last but not least, we invite people through word of mouth and it's the proper way in our culture. Thanks anyways.
Posted by lilpbc[/QUOTE]

<div>You're darn right you don't. You get to do whatever you want! :D We must recall the meaning of the word culture -- it means the standard of what is good manners is different! Unfortunately this is the response that happens when you do anything outside of the traditional American script, I suspect. You may need to simply adopt a nice healthy "haters gonna hate" attitude. :-) The last thing you should do is abandon your own heritage on your own wedding day. </div><div>
</div><div>And if you're used to inviting through word of mouth, you should let them know about any special stuff the same way. Maybe send an email or something if you want to make sure they have a concrete copy they can refer back to. </div><div>
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