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Customs and Traditions

second marriage to same man

Hello,I need help!!  I am getting married for the second time to the same man.  We were married march 17 2009 in a civil ceremony with only 5 people in attendance  we are now planning a big church ceremony with a big reception.  any ideas on what we should include or not include for this type of situation

Re: second marriage to same man

  • Unless you've been divorced in the last few months, no you aren't getting married a second time. You are propsing a sham wedding. You should skip anything about a wedding, because it isn't a wedding, and have a party.
  • I would skip the big church ceremony and just throw a party celebrating your marriage that occurred 6 months ago.
  • Have a big anniversary party on your first anniversary. I'm pretty sure the clergy marrying you the "second time" won't be kosher with performing a ceremony for an already-married couple as if it's their first wedding.And whatever you do, do NOT register or ask for gifts in anyway. Or wear a wedding dress.
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  • ditto pps. To answer the question "what should we include or not include?": You should not include a wedding. Unless you've been divorced in the last 6 months, you're already married, and thus can't have a "wedding". March 17 WAS your wedding, whether it was in front of 5 people or 350 people. I'd plan a big first anniversary party next March 17. I wouldn't do the big white dress, veil, WP, walk down the aisle, etc. Because that's really nothing more than a performance in a theatrical production. And FWIW: it doesn't matter WHY you had the wedding you did. You made a decision to have the wedding you did, and then, as grown ups do, you live with the consequences of your decision. FWIW: many churches will not perform a "wedding" as you're already legally married. But you can have the anniversary party. Enjoy being married, and enjoy your party.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • It is not a 2nd marriage unless you have gotten divorced between march and now. So it is either a vow renewal/convalidation or just a party in honor of your wedding. Since you only had 5 people at your real wedding people will largely take this as a pretend wedding taht you feel like you did not get enough attention and gifts. So keep it small and focus on teh religious meaning and what you want. you should not have a wedding party and if you do you should be paying for their attire since it is not your real wedding and they were likely not invited to your wedding. Best advice do teh religious thing but skip all huppla. Big is tacky in this case
  • She may have had to get married in a civil ceremony back in march and had no other options...And now has the financial means to have the big beautiful wedding she had dreamed of sense a kid...nothing wrong with that at all!I guess I don't understand in what circumstance one would "need" to get married right away, barring perhaps a military deployment where the spouse would need/want things like on-base housing and health insurance, which can only be obtained through marriage. Otherwise, you have options, such as moving in together. The way I see it, you can 1) get married right away with 5 people and a JOP, 2) Get married in a few months with a larger, yet budget-minded ceremony, 3) Wait a year or two and have a big, blow-out bash. You only get to pick one.If the guests don't know about the marriage (i.e. it's "secret") then they are being lied to. If I knew someone was married and got an invite to the wedding of the year a year and a half later, I would laugh and RSVP with regrets.
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  • I disagree with pp. There are plenty of reasons to get married right away!! Everyone does not believe in moving in together!!! Besides maybe someone lost their job mid planning and had their heart set on the big wedding. Do what you want, it is your day and I don't see and guests being rude enough to think harsh of you for it. Besides you wouldn't invite total strangers anyway. I've been to a wedding like this and it was very nice! GL!! 10/10/10 Bride!!
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  • "There are plenty of reasons to get married right away!! Everyone does not believe in moving in together!!! Besides maybe someone lost their job mid planning and had their heart set on the big wedding." None of these are reasons to get married and have a big fake wedding later. If you don't want to move in together, don't do it until you're ready to get married. If you want a big expensive wedding, you (as an adult) weigh the pros and cons of waiting to get married to save up the money or giving up the fancy wedding to get married sooner and then you make the best decision for you. Then you live with the consequences of your decision like and adult. Wanting health insurance, tax breaks, military benefits, etc are just parts of the pro/con points that need to be considered when deciding between the types of weddings. I know one person that did this in real life. Their fake marriage was about a year after the real one, about 4 years ago. People are still talking behind her back about what an attention whore she is. You just don't recover from doing something like this. Of course, no one would tell the girl that to her face, they are too polite for that. Who wants to be that girl?
  • I don't see a problem with a couple having a vow renewal- I find it to be a very good testimony to their long binding relationship. BUT seeing that you were JUST married- I think a vow renewal isn't really appropriate at this time. Just go with the party and invite all the people you were unable to for your wedding. It will be tons of fun and you'll save money by not having another ceremony.
  • It isn't a secret that you guys are already married. That's clear if you had five people in attendance. This isn't a fake wedding. Don't listen to what the other girls are saying. Just be sure that when you send out the invitations that you make it crystal clear it is a convalidation or vow renewal ceremony. (You and your husband should decide which it is because it is really about what is important to the two of you.) Also, be sure your officiant understands the situation. Since you are already married you probably shouldn't register for gifts especially if you are already living together as husband and wife. I think it is lovely that you want to have a celebration with those that couldn't join you in the courthouse. So best of luck to you!
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  • I don't see anything wrong with having church ceremony, if you didn't do it the first time, depending on your reasons for not doing it.I someone is legally married, it may not be legal to re-marry them, depending on the church or whatever. This requires investigation.If you don't want to live together, don't do it. Decide what means more - being married right away or planning a far off, expensive wedding with a ton of guests. I assume as adults we are all capable of making choices.Basically, you made your choice, and you have to live with it. Your choice was a JOP wedding. You can't have your (wedding) cake and eat it too. (Har har har.) Frankly, unless everyone you know is this tacky, people will decline or at least laugh at you behind your back. It's not rude to notice tacky or rude behavior. It would only be rude to point that out. So sadly, the OP won't even know she's being laughed at.Of course, I fully don't expect her to take our advice. Whatever.
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  • Wow... since when is a vow renewal tacky? I think you guys are being a bit harsh in what you're saying.
  • Personally, I'm a Rev. and I've done 3 vow renewals this year. They are a very beautiful event. it's very touching to see 2 people who have stayed dedicated to each other reaffirm their vows to the public. "If someone is legally married, it may not be legal to re-marry them"- a vow renewal is not a legal wedding, so therefore there is nothing "illegal" about them renewing their vows. A vow renewal is a simple spiritual process and has nothing to do with the government. Most officiants and clergy members I know are honored to renew a couple's vows for them. Now, with all that being said, do I think it's right to have a vow renewal after only a year? Personally, I wouldn't. But that is up to the couple. Usually a vow renewal is saved to honor a longer period of time- 10, 20, 30 years together. But ultimatly the time frame is up to the OP's decision. So maybe she worded her question the wrong way by saying "second marriage." It's rather obvious she means that they want to have a vow renewal so I think it's very unfair that there are some people jumping down her throat for a simple mis-wording. Nor do I think it's fair how rudely some of you are replying to her. Believe me, there is nothing "fake" about a vow renewal. It's a real sharing of love that is a time-honoring tradition. There is so much love present at a vow renewal that it puts a regular marriage to shame. Because those people have been together for 10, 20, 30 years, and over that time they have conquered everything put in their paths to stay together and love each other. So no, there's nothing "fake" there. It's not about wanting more gifts, or more attention, or some of the other rude things some of you have suggested (though there are unfortunatly some people out there like that). It's about the love! I think rather than insulting a person and being rude to them, perhaps you should just help them with whatever question they are asking or simply ignore the post and move on.
    elizabethd99
  • Well, I'm new and haven't had the occasion of meeting anyone that fell into those categories. I could never imagine people "marrying in secret" and then lying to everyone about it. I know many people who eloped but everyone knew about it. So for me to assume she simply means a vow renewal is quite understandable. Even so though, if all of you had seen these "not so nice" types before, that doesn't mean that she is trying to do any of these things. Rather than jumping down her throat and making assumptions did anyone think to ask her to clarify her meaning first? (I'm not speaking towards you StageManager as you were very constructive and polite in your post.) I just think it is a very unfair thing to pass judgement on someone and being very harsh when you don't know the full story. Maybe she really meant having a vow renewal and maybe she didn't. But no one thought to ask. I just think it's very harsh treatment to be so cruel to someone without knowing their intentions. People shouldn't be spoken to so rudely when they come to a place asking for help. But that's my feelings on the matter.
  • I do agree with the above poster that wording it as a "second marriage" doesn't come across right, but I'm completely okay with concept. I had originally thought that my fiance and I were going to need to have a civil ceremony for health insurance reasons [I have some health problems & can't work a full-time job to get my own.] We were going to have a large ceremony and reception about 4 months later. Our plans have changed, but since I was doing it, I see nothing wrong with it. However, we will have only about 40 guests, and we were up front about it. We told them that we will be legally married at another time, but we are celebrating our marriage and having a formal ceremony that we would like our friends and family to witness. We were not going to include the exact wording of now becoming man and wife, but writing our own vows about what our promises to each other were. All the things we wouldn't be able to do in a court house ceremony. You really need to talk to the officiant, I think however. What they feel is appropriate will change what you should do, and they can give you advice. We were not planning a church wedding, so we could do whatever we wanted, nor was it formal. A lot of churches will probably have restrictions on what type of ceremony to do in this situation.
  • I disagree with most of the posters.  A friend of mine married her husband in a small civil ceremony before he left for Iraq, when he came back they did the whole thing over again a big church wedding and reception.  They had their very important reasons for getting married in a quick civil ceremony but that DOES NOT mean they didn't deserve a dream wedding.  I thought it was amazing and couldn't imagine doing it any other way.  You had your reasons for a civil ceremony, now you deserve your wedding...I would say go all out don't skip a thing! and if someone doesn't like it then they don't deserve to be there supporting you.
  • Perhaps we should call it a blessing instead of a wedding. In certain denominations, a marriage that has already occurred can be blessed. On the other hand, in Europe, the civil ceremony is usually separate from the religious ceremony and takes place before. A religious wedding ceremony has different meaning than a civil ceremony, so I think its perfectly fine to have the religious ceremony after a civil ceremony if you are doing it for spiritual reasons, to have your marriage blessed by the church. If you are doing it as an excuse to wear a white dress, then that's just tacky. It all has to do with the intent. If the intent is to celebrate, then celebrate. If the intent is to be married in the wywes of god, whatever that means to you, then go ahead and do it.
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  • and I meant eyes of God, not wywes. DOH!
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  • My FI is from Mexico and over there the religious ceremony is the most important one in the eyes of family and friends. They all agree that you MUST be married under the eyes of God in a church ceremony. But you know what... A church wedding isint even legal over there. It is common pratice for a couple to get married in a quick civil ceremony to make it legal .. but it is not a wedding. The formal wedding always follows after the civil and includes the dress, cake etc... after the civil there is just a sit down dinner with the parents and siblings of the bride/groom ... kinda like a rehersal dinner type of thing. So no I don't see anything wrong with getting married at the JOP and then having a wedding later. I think its more common pratice in other parts of the world than here.. and maybe it happens here more than peopl realize. I also don't think people will look down upon you for it. I also don't know why people are making a big deal over gifts... I've never been to a wedding where people registered for gifts.. and I don't plan to ask for gifts at my wedding either. If some one brings something then fine.. but it is not required or expected. anyway.. Good luck in your planing.. go for what will make you happy... You know your friends and family and you know how they would react to you planing a second ceremony.. im sure they will be happy for you .
  • Alot of these brides seem like they didnt get the wedding THEY wanted. i believe having the big extravagant wedding you want, is perfectly fine. just because you had a small ceremony, now its time to show everyone. & if people (relatives) have nothing better to do than talk behind your back about your wedding... thats sad, and I even pity them. You should throw as big of an event as you want, and as much as you want to include/ pay for. If youre relatives find renewing your vows at this time distasteful, tell them not to come... i dont understand why everyones so sheltered, and close-minded on these posts
  • Wow - a lot of harshness in the reponses! Let's all relax - this is a happy place. I also think that people need to remember that there is a difference between a WEDDING and a GETTING MARRIED. The wedding is the event - and it can be whatever you want. Getting married really boils down to  signing a legal document.But Babyd1016 - per the other responses, other people may be a little confused about the situation. It is important that everyone invited understand that you are already married, but are choosing to have a religious ceremony so that your marriage can be blessed in the eyes of God (or whatever reason is important to you). As long as you are up front about it, I don't see any reason you can't have a big fancy wedding day, just like everyone else. To minimize the "haters", you may just want to call it something else.
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