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Customs and Traditions

His parents are thrilled, mine are not!

My parents disapprove of Chris and I getting married August 2010. Mainly because I'll have 2 semesters of college left, but also because he doesn't have a degree or a six-figure job. We've been in a serious relationship for 3 years, engaged for 2 months :) We're incredibly happy and at peace with our decision, as are Chris's parents! They're more like family to me than my own family is. We'll be having a very personal, nontraditional wedding. We want it to feel like "us." I'm concerned my parents will ruin the joy of planning, and the big day! Their attitude sucks, and they are so conniving and manipulative. My mom wants to help plan but won't voice her issues with FI to him. My dad is harboring a grudge bc FI didn't "ask for my hand, and that tradition has stood the test of time..." Blah blah blah. I just want this to be a happy time, I'm basically ignoring them now but don't want to cut them out. For instance, I'd love a father/daughter dance but don't want him to walk me down the aisle. Anyone been through this before??

Re: His parents are thrilled, mine are not!

  • I think you should have the wedding your Fi and you want. Don't worry too much about your parents. They are adults if they have a problem with your Fi they should have expressed that awhile ago to him not behind his back. If you want to dance with your father at your reception and not have him walk you down the aisle I don't see any wrong in that.
  • Trust me I get it...my mother did not speak to me for about a month after I told her I was engaged....she does not approve of my marrying someone 22 years older then me. And she still brings it up whenever she can.
  • The biggest thing you can do is to pay for your wedding yourself. Even if that means a courthouse wedding followed by a trip to the local pizza place. As soon as you allow your parents to pay for your wedding, they get a say in what happens, and if you think they won't honor your wishes, then you need to take the necessary steps to keep your wedding your own. I'm sorry your parents are being difficult, but I do have to ask: why can't you wait until you're finished with your degree before getting married, especially if it's only 2 semesters to go?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Honestly I see your parents point. From what you say they are not objecting to you getting married they are objecting to you getting married before finsihing school. Women who get married before finishing college are much less likely to finish college and thus be able to get good jobs to support their families. Seriously as a parent that would bother me too particularly since you are engaged to a man who clearly does not value his own education and degree. It is most likely not about 6 figures but instead about being able to support yourself when things get hard. Honestly FI messed up not asking dad if he knew your dad was traditional. If you want that to resolve maybe ask Fi to ask dad for his support now even. Ignoring people does not make things go away it makes it worse and actually is a huge sign of immaturity How will you pay for college on yoru own and living expenses and health insurance and put food on the table. If he is not making much and you are a student so going into debt you have a very very hard road ahead and it is very good of your parents to be aware and trying to caution you. It can work but why get married now and not wait until you have finished 2 more semesters. That is 8 months or so.
  • Pay for your own wedding.  You get to make the decisions and call all the shots and this allows you to have the upperhand when your parents start to complain about the non-traditional feel of your wedding.But, I agree with them on the education thing.  Finish school before you get married.I will also point out that while my parents are not money-snobs, they are education snobs.  Education is/was very important to them (and to me) and I'm not sure if they would have accepted DH so easily had he not obtained a degree.  Sometimes, that's just the way people think.  My parents would not have given me their blessing to marry someone without a college education.My dad would've also been upset had DH not asked permission first.  That sort of tradition was very important to my father so maybe your father is feeling a little hurt and/or left out.With all of that being said you are an adult and can do what you please, as long as you don't mind doing it potentially without the blessing of your family.I'm not defending them but I am trying to point out some of the reasons they are acting the way they are.
  • I'm curious how old your FI is.  You make it seem like he doesn't have a degree not because he is like you and still in school but because he is older and has decided not to get an education.
  • Nice catch, stage.  I didn't even notice that Krissy is only 18.Krissy:  I'm sure you're going to tell us that you're much more mature than other 18 year olds and that you've had plenty of life experience and know that this is the perfect man for you.But I have to say, if you were my DD, I'd never be supporting this marriage either.  My DD was just married in July.  She was just of 26 years old, a college graduate who had a teaching job and was living on her own.  I also have a married son-again a college grad. with a good job and who had lived on his own.  He was 25 when he was married.I have a daughter who just turned 24.  She's completed her master's and is in a two year post grad fellowship.  She's got a serious bf, but won't even consider getting engaged until her fellowship is completed in Sept. 2010.You're still a teenager.  No doubt, and wonderful, responsible teenager, but still, a teenager.  Finish your education.  Get a job and support yourself for a couple of years.  Live on your own.If this is the right and perfect guy, it will last until you're in your 20's.   I'm 100% with your parents on this one.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Your parents are right. 18/19 is too young to get married. If he's right for you, he will understand the need to just be engaged and finish your degree and get your career started before you get married. If you are an adult, you will understand those things too. There's no harm in waiting a few years. There is a ton of harm in getting married too young. I'm sure you've been through so much and are much more mature than the average 18 year old. So was I.
  • I agree with the other posts. I have been with my FI since we were 16/17. We are now 24/25 and will be waiting until I finish Graduate school and pass the CPA exam until we get married. We will have been together almost 10 years by the time we get married. We both realize that finishing school is more important than getting married right away. Honestly, you have to do what is going to be best for your future.
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  • I know I am late but had to comment. I was 19 when my fiance and I got engaged and though he proposed he refused to get married until I was done with school. We will be getting married 2 months before I finish because my dad's health insurance will drop me on my b-day next year, otherwise we would be having a Christmas wedding. I see you parent's point. It is hard to make it on one paycheck and even if you are working too it's hard to keep up with school when you're on your own. Waiting a year won't kill either of you so unless there is a medical reason or something of that nature why not wait. Then your parents would be able to enjoy the experience too rather than worrying about you:) 10/10/10 Bride!!
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  • I started dating my fiance when I was 15. We knew we wanted to get married by the time we were 18, but neither of us (let alone our families) would have considered getting married before finishing school and starting our careers. We refused to even get engaged before settling into our careers, because it would just be too hard financially. We'll be getting married the day before our 11th dating anniversary and we couldn't have done it a moment sooner (although I often wanted to!).What if you finish school and can't find a job? Not only will you need to start paying back any student loans, but you'll be living on his income alone. Given that he doesn't have an education, is he able to support both of you while you look for work AND help pay back your students loans? I don't know about where you live, but here I am responsible for paying back my loans until I get married. At that point my payments will increase because they assume that his money is my money as well, and our combined incomes will allow us to pay more. This isn't in fact the case, but regardless, when I get married my loan payments will be more expensive. Unfortunately, the way I see it, money is often more important than love when it comes to making these decisions. You have to think with your head, not your heart. If you do that, you'll realize that the wedding will be far easier financially, and you would possibly have your parents support, when you finish school and start your career.Aside from financial considerations, wouldn't you at least want to be able to legally have a glass of champagne at your own wedding?  
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  • Sounds exactly like my first marriage. Unfortunately, 12 years and tons of life experience later, I have to say that your parents are probably right. Listen to them. They've been around, seen things, done things, lived through things, that you have no idea about. Ask yourself, why do your parents REALLY disapprove of your marrying this young man? You say it's because he doesn't have a degree or a six figure income. But could it be that he doesn't have a diploma (as in high school diploma) or a five figure income? Are you being truly honest with yourself or are you letting your emotions and excitement run wild?You say you're "at peace with our decision" but to me, that doesn't mean that you're thrilled. At peace with means that you're accepting something you cannot change. It means you're settling. Why would you want to start your marriage by settling?If he truly is THE ONE, isn't he worth waiting another year or two? Not only for to give the two of you time to finish your education, but also time to save up some money and gain your parents support so that you can have a dream wedding?I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm just speaking from experience. Your story sounds identical to mine, and mine didn't have a fairytale ending.
  • I'm sorry to say but in my experience when your family isn't happy, then something is wrong with the match. I got engaged when I was 18, married at 19 and my parents and family were extremely upset. They agreed to pay for the wedding but the whole thing was a complete and utter disaster. EVERYONE was pissy for months, my mother (since she was paying) changed all the plans to what she wanted two weeks prior and the actual day of went off horribly because our families didn't get along AT ALL. It ended with my mother yelling at his sister in the parking lot. Not cool. Of course, they were all right and I should have listened. He was a deadbeat loser who was stealing money from me the few months we were married. 

    This time around everything is different. My family absolutely adores my FI and we are paying for everything ourselves. I'm only 22, but we are waiting until 2011 to get married until after I finish my degree and so we can be in a better financial position. My family (surprisingly) hasn't been throwing my stupid first marriage in my face but I can tell they are very impressed and happy with the way things are now. 

    All that being said, I encourage you to think about your situation. If you want to proceed, the best way is to pay for the entire thing yourselves. Good luck :)
  • Am I the only one who doesn't understand why you shouldn't get married while you're still at university? Does one's financial situation change after you are married? I don't see why it would be more difficult to support yourself as married than it is as a non-married couple? And I don't understand why marriage would ruin your future career.

    Marry whoever you want, whenever you want and however you want. But try to balance your parents views and your own as much as possible, somethings are actually worth compromising over. Having an unhappy family is not much fun, it could be better to compromise on some things just to make it as easy for your as possible.
  • I wish my FI and I could get married now, but we talked about it with our parents and alot on our own and decided it was better to wait till he got his masters. So by the time we get married will have been engaged for 4.5 years. Im sorry your parents arent happy about it but they do have a point. Why do you have to do it right now? Why not wait till you are out of school and have a job? I agree with some of the other posters, although you can do what you want your parents point of view has some validity.

    Also I have alot of friends that have gotten married at 18, 19 and 20 and they all dropped out of school to start families. And your FI should have asked your dad if it was important to your dad. I know its important to my dad and my FI asked my dad because he knew that especially because we are young it was the respectful thing to do. If I were you I would wait awhile.

    Also if you are 18 how will you be done in 2 semesters? Are you only getting a 2 year degree or are you doing an accelerated program?
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