(Not) changing name

geek+nerd

My DF asked me if I planned on changing my name when we get married. I told him that I don't know.  I asked him how he felt about it, and he said, "I want you to do whatever you want."

However, he has asked me repeatedly if I have decidednwhat I am going to do (BTW, our wedding is in June of 2011).  I have a feeling that this may be a bigger deal to him than he is letting on. 

I really don't think I want to change my name.  I'll be 34 when we get married, and I can't imagine going by any other name.  Any ideas how to explain to him?

MyNameIsNot

"I've been thinking about it, and I've decided to keep my name." 

That's what I went with.  My DH responded with "Ok, cool."  Explaining it to my mother was the pain.  It sounds like your FI is happy as long as you are happy.  Unless he asks, you don't really need to explain.  Some of us didn't change our names b/c we just didn't feel like it.  If he does ask, explain the reasons you've decided to keep it: that you'll be 34 at the wedding, you're used to your name, professional reasons, pain of changing it, just feel comfortable with it, whatever. 

handfast4me

I didn't change mine either time I married, the first time in 1985, and the second time just 2 years ago.  There are a variety of reasons--mine is easy to spell, easy to say.  Niether my first nor current husband have easy names.  I'm also now published, and have been president of my professional society.  If I changed it now it would be ridiculous.  On top of that, I wanted to pass the name down, as my dad had no brothers and no sons.  I accomplished that :-)  My daughter is expecting my first grandchild in 6 weeks! 

AdeleDazeem

I don't want to change my name either and my fiance definitely understands because I became a little passionate when I was explaining it.  It may not strike a nerve with other people the way it has with me, but I feel strongly that my parents picked my name for life.  I was born and given a name and that is it.  I could never remove my middle name for my maiden name - my parents picked the name for a reason.  I could never remove my last name as my father has no sons and no one to carry on the name. 

I will socially be his Mrs. HisLastName and would never take offense to someone calling me that.  But legally, I already have a name.

Pirata13

I also don't want to totally give up my last name. I am making ny last name my middle name.  We both do a lot of theatre, and I have done a ton of shows under my maiden name. So I will use Pirata MyLast HisLast for most professional and theatre related things, and socially be Mrs. HisLast.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I agree with MyNameisNot and SteveandKris. Just bring it up casually. Or wait until he asks again. To me, not changing my name was so NOT a big deal that it felt weird to just announce it to FI. He did eventually ask me directly about it.

He MAY feel conflicted if he's always assumed his future wife would go by Mrs. Hislastname. But if he has a problem with it, that's an issue. It seems like he won't though.

Maybe his mother is asking him about it or someone else is on his case and that's why he wants to know. Maybe he is concerned about what to do with the names of your future children (so you might want to come up with some ideas for that in advance).

You don't need to have a "good" reason. I find if people ask your reasons it is because they want to argue that they aren't good enough reasons and you are wrong. It comes down to what you feel you want to do with your own name, "good" reason or not.

geek+nerd

Thank you so much to everyone who replied! I definitely feel less stressed about answering him when it comes up again.  I truly do appreciate it.

I also would never take offense to someone calling Mrs. Hislastname, and I like the wording that some of you used "socially I will be Mrs. . ." 

Thanks again!

rjames43

I am also torn about the whole name change thing but only because I love my last name it has a huge meanning to me and my familys past but I also dont want to lose my middle name because it was my great grandmothers and my grandmothers so I am just torn all the way In the end I will Prob drop one of the two and take My FI last name....but It will be thought alot about

[Deleted User]

I've come to find that many guys don't really care if the woman changes her name, but since your guy keeps on asking I do wonder whether or not he's in that group. I'd just explain that your name is important to you, it's your identity and you don't want to change it. Ultimately, it's your decision to make.

Me, I'm still torn. I want to take his name (it's so much easier to spell and say), but I am published under my maiden name and quite frankly, I don't feel like going through the hassle of changing it. I don't really care either way about the identity thing, passing on the family name (plenty of cousins and a brother to do that!), or what have you. I'm just lazy, and I do want to be known with my novels under my maiden name. Luckily, my FI doesn't care either. He's in the 'do what you want' boat.