The Name Change Game.

Labrnr

This seems like the best place to start this discussion. What are everyones thoughts on Changing your(Brides) last name, to take on FH's?

Pirata13

I am making my last name my middle name and taking his last name. I will almost 40 when we get married, I am quite attached to my last name, and I have done a lot of theatre under my maiden name.  So in everyday life, I will be Pirata HisLast but for theatre and other arts oriented things, I will be Pirata MyLast HisLast.

tracy_k

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:571b6372-8461-4ff7-aa07-1a84e2761ce8">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE]My thoughts on the subject in general are that it's up to the bride and no one's business but hers. [/QUOTE]

Exactly this.

Personally, I am changing my name officially but will continue to use my given name professionally.

Plus now I can use "The Simpsons" stamps on our thank you notes. :)

noodle_oo

I had decided a LONG time ago that I did not ever plan to change my name.  And I still feel the same, I do not want to.  However, i have learned that my FI really really really really wants me to.  We talked about it and I told him my reasons not to, but he still brings it up kind of jokingly, which is really annoying.  I even started to feel guilty and consider doing it even though I don't to, but then I got mad that he would make me do something I don't want to do.  So I told him I've made the decision and I needed him to stop trying to change my mind. 

<sigh />  It is frustrating because I still feel bad, but my name is my identity and I do'nt know why I should have to change it.

Thanks for letting me vent!

MyNameIsNot

I agree.  It's 100% up to the person whether or not she wants to change, and it's no one else's business.  Not even her FI gets a say.  

I kept mine.  The whole idea of changing it seemed sort of stupid to me.  

miss.jawright

I plan to change my name. When I was young my mom remarried and took the new husbands name. We didn't share the same last name any more and it made me feel like weren't quite family any more. (I know this isn't true but when  you're ten and have a new step-dad it feels true)  I just want my kids to have one family name that we all share. But when it comes to other people I really think it is just a personal preference.

Labrnr

Pirata13:

That is exactly what I am doing also, it seems like a good compromise as I was initially intending on keeping my name but FI is adament that I take his.

I also believe that it is a personal choice.

I came across a posting a while back that made me rethink my decision.

The post was basically a woman lashing out to other woman for taking their husbands names and not keeping their own identity.

An older gentleman posted a reply that basically said:

You do not have your own name you have your father's name, which your mother took when she married your father, so what difference does it make if you keep your father's name or take your husbands name?

I thought this was a brilliant reply and not something we often think about when deciding if we will take our FI last name or not.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Personally, I hate the idea. I think it is old fashioned and sexist. It makes me sad to think about losing my name. And yet if FI changed his name, most people would look at us like we have two heads. It's very unfair.

That said, what other people do isn't any of my business.

You do not have your own name you have your father's name, which your mother took when she married your father, so what difference does it make if you keep your father's name or take your husbands name?

I HATE that kind of comment. So what if I share a last name with my father? It's MY name. That kind of comment completely discounts the fact that my parents chose all three of my names and I have been in possession of them for 27 years. You might as well say my first name is irrelevent and not really "mine" since my parents picked it out.

tracy_k

I understand if it's not something you'd do for yourself, but I have to take issue with blanket statements saying "it's sexist," etc.

I'm changing my name, I'm a die-hard feminist, and I assure you "sexist" has nothing to do with it.

My husband is an only child and both his parents are dead. He basically has just a handful of living relatives, scattered about the country. I have a pretty big family that has welcomed him enthusiastically.

To me, given all the particulars of my own situation, sharing a name with my husband makes it feel more like we are our own family, independent of my family (which can be a bit overwhelming to someone like my husband). It also honors his mom and dad, which is important to me as they both died before I ever met them.

So if you don't want to change your name for whatever reason, don't -- I highly doubt anyone will tell you you should.

But you might want to think twice before you accuse others of being sexist.

On_Cloud_Nine

I'm completely dropping my maiden name and taking my FI's. I always knew I would take my husband's last name. It's just never been an issue.

The only issue I had was which name I would drop. I came to the conclusion that I am far more attached to my middle name (which was my mom's middle name, my grandmother's, etc... family tradition) than to my last name. I'm the only one left with the name (aside from my dad) and I just don't feel as much of a connection to it. So that's why I decided to drop my last name instead of my middle.

tracy_k

OK, I can accept that. Thanks for clarifying.

 I'm perhaps a wee bit sensitive because I've gotten some crap from acquaintances who act all surprised and slightly horrified that I'm changing my name.

Unfortunately, almost everything about marriage stems from some kind of sexist tradition, LOL.

spinner84

Tracy, I think it's fine for you to change your name. I have no issue with what anyone else wants to do, even change their name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, take the husband's name, hyphenate, make up a new name... For me it has just always been out of the question because my name represents my Ukrainian heritage, it is a very rare name in North America (I've never met anyone with it who is not related to me), and I am used to it.

amagwire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:82c72d79-7938-4db7-a10c-49d5acfc317a">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE] The whole idea of changing it seemed sort of stupid to me.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree.  I am having a hard time deciding though. It just seems so ridiculous to me to change my name.  I'm not against it, and I'm not for it...I'm just kind of stuck in the middle.  I know FI wants me to, but doesn't mind either way.  I know there are a lot of expectations for more traditional women who think I'm crazy to even consider changing my name.  I'm confused.  </div><div>
</div><div>And honestly, the worst part about it, is thinking about having to go to the SS office and then get all the documentation taken care of! Am I that lazy? </div>

jenn.daniel

I'd always planned on changing my name.  I'm not particularly attached to my maiden name.  We discussed him changing his name anyway, but he's the 5th man in his family with his whole name, so we both thought it'd be a shame for him to change it.

megk8oz

I completely dropped my maiden name. I went First Middle His Last.

I don't really care what women decide to do with their name for whatever reason. It's your name, you have to sign it for the rest of your life, only you can make this choice.

I was given my bio-dad's last name at birth, and he's been a very minimal part of my life since I was 2 ... whenever he has made his presence known, it usually results in me feeling extremely stressed and upset. I have no attachment to him, and no attachment to his name. I knew before I even met DH that I would take my husband's last name when I got married and completely drop mine.

jennylove810

I am still undecided.  I'm pretty attached to the Maiden name I've had for the last 26 years.  Right now, the plan is to unofficially be Mrs. H's Last Name until my license/passport expire, then re-evaluate my feelings about legally changing when it's time to renew.

The idea of being called Mrs. H doesn't bother me at all, but the idea of no longer being Ms. Maiden does.  Does that make sense?

tracy_k

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:70f85af2-85f3-4e7a-99a2-47d55f17e332">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE]The idea of being called Mrs. H doesn't bother me at all, but the idea of no longer being Ms. Maiden does.  Does that make sense?
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

Makes sense to me. I went back and forth about it for ages. I really only finally decided the week before the wedding, and even then only because we had to write something down for the DJ to say during the introductions. :)

Ultimately, I'm pretty happy... in addition to the reasons mentioned above, I get to continue being Ms. K at work and Mrs. Simpson everywhere else. :)

Kinda rules out names like Bart, Lisa etc. if we decide to have kids, though. Heh.

jagore08

I have always planned on changing my last name because I people always assumed I was related to a former VP (It's like saying all Irish people know each other.  It's annoying).  It's silly, I know but it's a question most people asked me as soon as they knew my name.  I now have my DH name and dropped my maiden name completely.

linzcw04

I have always planned on taking my husbands last name....never really a question to me. I have always joked about moving up the latter in the alphabet seeing that my last name begins with a "W". My middle name is the one that I am more attached to - it is my fathers middle name and I plan on carrying it on through my children (at least one of them). As I see it...I will forever have my maiden name...like all the "secret security questions" for banks and other account holders information, if some where down the line one of your grandkids want to follow the family tree back, ect - I believe that name stays with you no matter if you drop it and take your new husbands or not. I personally don't see it as sexist but that is my opinion - just something I always knew I would do. But it is defiantly a personal preference and I can see the reasoning behind both sides to the argument.

lilmizdncnqueen

I'm one of the other ladies on here that's always dreamed of taking my FH's name. Ever since I was old enough to understand marriage & the details that go with it - it's been one of the most exciting things to me. To be a "Mrs.". I realize that everyone has different opinions & you are certainly entitled to them. I work in a professional career as well, but I couldn't imagine keeping my last name. Anyway, that's my two cents. :-)

nhelene

For most people, their 'maiden' name is their father's name.  If you really want to be feminist about it you could take your mother's maiden name, but wait, that's your grandfather's name. 

As far as I'm concerned, choosing a name is just that: choosing a name.  Pick the one that means the most to you and don't be concerned with righting centuries of wrongs. 

tracy_k

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:74fb3a9e-7367-40bd-896c-e6837ef19c63">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE]For most people, their 'maiden' name is their father's name.  If you really want to be feminist about it you could take your mother's maiden name, but wait, that's your grandfather's name. 
Posted by nhelene[/QUOTE]

Like pps have said, I find that argument asinine. I've had this name for 36 years. It's <strong>MY </strong>name, whether it originated from my dad or not.

The decision to change it was not an easy one for me, nor one I I took lightly.

nhelene

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:68afc790-e65a-46e5-8184-1d058c97f6f8">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE] The decision to change it was not an easy one for me, nor one I I took lightly.
Posted by tracy_k[/QUOTE]

Yes, and you eventually made a decision based on the things that were important TO YOU.

tracy_k

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:907a0070-c64c-4c9e-aab5-8644a0ae32f5">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Name Change Game. : Yes, and you eventually made a decision based on the things that were important TO YOU.
Posted by nhelene[/QUOTE]

And your point is ... ?

Obviously, each woman should make the decision based on the reasoning that is important to her.

I just don't think it's cool to invalidate other women's reasoning based your opinion that a name has no connection with female identity if it originated from her father.

mlp041010

I agree that everyone needs to make the decision based on how they feel and not how others may look at it.
This has been a hard decision for me to make. I didn't realize how much this whole name change business bothered me until I began to give it further thought about a week ago (I'm getting married in 10 days).  The thought of giving up my maiden name was adding to my stress and anxiety levels. I realized I would not be happy if I didn't keep it, but I also wanted to take my husband's name as well.
Part of the reason I have such a strong attachment to my name is that I have had it for almost 28 years and a larger part is because I am very attached to my family and my father who passed away 2.5 years ago (at the age of 49).  That attachment is more than just a name to me given my circumstances.
So I am going to be Marie Lynn Maiden Name His Last Name. I am going to continue to go by my maiden name at work and school (I am an mba student) and will go by his name socially.
Now we both can be happy.
Marie

nhelene

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:25e26cc9-eb1a-48ae-a625-ad7b612dde93">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Name Change Game. : And your point is ... ? Obviously, each woman should make the decision based on the reasoning that is important to her. I just don't think it's cool to invalidate other women's reasoning based your opinion that a name has no connection with female identity if it originated from her father.
Posted by tracy_k[/QUOTE]

reading comprehension FAIL on my part, missed that my exact statement had already been said.

But my point was that it's a complex and personal decision, and that's the part of my original statement that you left out when you quoted me.

I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's decision that they made for themself, but I've got no problem invalidating the opinions of RARGH feminists who like to crap all over other people's decisions.

lcsa99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:5db7ec4f-60e7-4584-9ab6-1c838db64a41">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE]I've also heard of people who decide to do it based on their future husband's name and whether or not they like it better. To me, that had nothing to do with it. I made this decision long before I ever met my FI. It's a decision for me and has nothing to do with him, or my father, or anyone else.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I am one of those people who decided to change it because I like it better than my maiden name. I have always hated my last name. It is a long complicated polish name that no one can pronounce or spell. Changing my name has nothing to do with my father, though we aren't close, and it won't change who my family is.

And one benefit is that my signature has always looked closer to what my new name will be than my old, so I won't have to change that <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />.

sparklingdiamond

I am also making my last name my middle name and then taking his.  I am not willing to completely give up my last name!  It's a part of me!  Plus, I know he would never take my last name.  He says it jokingly, but its like if you wouldn't even consider taking my last name why do you automatically assume I would just want to take yours?

atimashe

For me, the "you need the same last name to be the same family" argument is losing merit.  (Not to say this shouldn't be important to someone else - I just mean this doesn't have a lot of weight for me in my situation, and I'll explain why...)  Last night, I was going through my cards from my shower, I cam across one signed by 2 of FH's aunts, and the one aunt's 2 young daughters.  Between the four of them, there are 3 different last names due to divorce - and, none of their last names are the same as my FMIL or FH's last name (to be clear, FH and FMIL's last names are also different).  Still, the message in this card was "welcome to the famly!!"  as such, i think it's more in whether or not you hold yourself out as a family then what name(s) you have... 

angelori7273

I can't wait to take his name!! To each his-or her-own. I would never think anything different about a girl keeping her own name or changing it. I know who I am and where I come from and I will carry his name just as proudly as I carried my own for so many years!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3d35b159-0771-4f09-8f3a-f8460f6572c3Post:5d3b1999-fcd8-47f8-899f-def21865eed5">Re: The Name Change Game.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Name Change Game. : I am one of those people who decided to change it because I like it better than my maiden name. I have always hated my last name. It is a long complicated polish name that no one can pronounce or spell. Changing my name has nothing to do with my father, though we aren't close, and it won't change who my family is. And one benefit is that my signature has always looked closer to what my new name will be than my old, so I won't have to change that .
Posted by lcsa99[/QUOTE]

But in this case you already made the decision at some point that you WOULD probably change your name... unless your future husband had an even longer Polish last name, I assume. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /> I just can't imagine NEVER thinking about it and never leaning one way or the other until you are about to get married.