How to Blend Families

House of the Bride

I was asked a very interesting question today and I would like the Knot Community's ideas.

Older bride (with 5 kids, and their spouses and kids) is marrying an older man (with 11 kids, and their spouses and kids). This comes to roughly 30 kids, around 30 grandkids between them.  They want to know how they can have the families blend in the time up to  and after the event (rehearsal dinner/reception), and show that symbolicly in the ceremony.

TWIST: These family know eachother.  They aren't particularly enemies, they just aren't eachothers' biggest fans.  The kids from both sides say, not verbatim, but essentially, "Yeah, we'll come to the wedding, but those people are kind of weird. Do we have to actually mix with them?"

How do you get THIS MANY PEOPLE to see that the other side isn't all that bad, that they can have a wonderful weekend, and blend into one gigantic family rather seamlessly? And then symbolically show that in the ceremony?

Any idea is valued!
THANKS!

aerinpegadrak

Well, a wedding isn't necessarily a blending of two families.  Two people are being joined, but their families, not so much.  Our families live in different states, and even at the wedding, they had very little interaction.  His family hung with his family, mine hung with mine.  My mom and dad both remarried when we were older, I have little interaction with my stepdad's kids and absolutely none with my stepmom's.

They don't like each other.  That's fine, they don't have to.  You're only going to cause unnecessary drama if you try to make everyone best friends.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_blend-families?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:5ebdbea1-e66c-4edb-80cd-3b3119565105Post:53f6feda-88f4-4416-beec-38295e6ab72b">How to Blend Families</a>:
[QUOTE]I was asked a very interesting question today and I would like the Knot Community's ideas. Older bride (with 5 kids, and their spouses and kids) is marrying an older man (with 11 kids, and their spouses and kids). This comes to roughly 30 kids, around 30 grandkids between them.  They want to know how they can have the families blend in the time up to  and after the event (rehearsal dinner/reception), and show that symbolicly in the ceremony. TWIST: These family know eachother.  They aren't particularly enemies, they just aren't eachothers' biggest fans.  The kids from both sides say, not verbatim, but essentially, "Yeah, we'll come to the wedding, but those people are kind of weird. Do we have to actually mix with them?" How do you get THIS MANY PEOPLE to see that the other side isn't all that bad, that they can have a wonderful weekend, and blend into one gigantic family rather seamlessly? And then symbolically show that in the ceremony? Any idea is valued! THANKS!
Posted by House of the Bride[/QUOTE]

quotequeen

These people are all adults so if they don't want to blend, that's up to them.  If I were to gain step-siblings at this point in my life I doubt I would ever see them as family, and I would be annoyed if people were trying to force it on us.

LesPaul

"Blend into one gigantic family rather seamlessly"??  No, this isn't going to happen, and don't force it.  They will mingle if they want to, and get to know each other better if they want to.  Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to facilitate this blending.

trix1223

If you're an older bride marrying an older groom and you both have grown kids, you already know the answer to this question, don't you?

You can't force people into a "family".  If they come to it in their own time, fine.  Will they ever be a "family" in the traditional sense.  Probably not.  Will some of them one day be friendly?  Perhaps.  Will some of them one day be friends?  Maybe.

But your expectations are unrealistic.  Here's what you should be asking?  Can they all be cordial to each other?  Sure.  If they've been raised to have good manners.  And I assume they have.

Lower your expectations.  Don't expect each set of  kids to want to be "family" with each other because their mom and dad are getting married.

kpwedkk

Focus on you and your fiance   Be happy that each set of kids is getting another role model introduced into their lives.  I agree with the previous posters, lower your expectations, your and his kids shouldn't be forced to try to be happy for both of you, as well as getting more related siblings.