Dealing with divorced parents

ZaiX3

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with parents who are divorced?  Especially if 1 parent has moved on and the other hasn't?

My fiance's parents are divorced and his mother has a serious boyfriend, while his dad never really dated again.  HIs mom and her boyfriend have been up several times to help with wedding planning already, while his dad hasn't really contributed at all.  His mom's bf has even volunteered a number of times to help in any way he can with the wedding, and also said he doesn't want to butt in and isn't expecting to be an "offcial" part of it.

As a result, I'm really confused about what we should be doing for stuff like:
- Who should escort who (like one of the other recent posts), especially if we only have a Best Man and MOH and no groom's men and bridesmaids
- When we're supposed to buy gifts for the parents to thank them for their support during the planning, are all the gifts supposed to be of equal value?  And are we not supposed to give a gift to the mom's bf?  How do we fit it in with his dad who hasn't helped, or does that not matter?
- For seating, we thought we could do a sweetheart table so people could be with their dates, but should we seat his mom and her bf at the same table as his dad?

What's the etiquette here?  I'm so confused!

cukimerrydoll

Hmmm.... you have a lot of questions... and I'm not in quite the same situation - my parent's are getting divorced, and neither are dating other people... but here is my take on the situation:

- Who should escort who (like one of the other recent posts), especially if we only have a Best Man and MOH and no groom's men and bridesmaids
That can go however you want it to.  If you want his parents to escort, that's fine.  There isn't a whole lot of specifically correct ways for the groom to enter.  I have seen the groom walk in with his parents, standing at the alter already (kind of sneaking in from the side), walking in alone... you can do this almost any way.

- When we're supposed to buy gifts for the parents to thank them for their support during the planning, are all the gifts supposed to be of equal value?  And are we not supposed to give a gift to the mom's bf?  How do we fit it in with his dad who hasn't helped, or does that not matter?
I don't necessarily think the gifts have to be of equal value monetarily... but something that means something for everyone.  I would get something for your dad, presuming he helped raise you.  For me, the gifts are more a "Thank you for being a big influence on my life" thing than just a wedding thing.  And yes, I would get something for your mom's BF. 

- For seating, we thought we could do a sweetheart table so people could be with their dates, but should we seat his mom and her bf at the same table as his dad?
Depends.  As long as there is no hostility, they should be fine... but it might be more comfortable if they sat with their respective sides of his family - dad with his parents or siblings from that side, and the same thing with mom.

cukimerrydoll

Whoops.  For part of it I was thinking that you were talking about your parents... either way, you get the idea!

kelly&wayne

My parents are divorced and my father is remarried.  Here's how I will be dealing with some of the situations that have arisen for me...

My father's wife will seat herself and one of my ushers will escort my mother down the aisle.  My mother will sit on the aisle, my sister in law will sit next to her, then my father next to my sister in law then my father's wife next to him.

I would definitely not sit them at the same table for the reception.  My FI's parents table will be between my mother's and my father's table.  Then my Mom can sit her with sister, family and close friends and my father can have his sister and close friends at their table. 

Also, I didn't want my Mom to have the same corsage as my father's wife so my Mom's corsage will match my bouquet and my father's boutiniere will be a small orchid (his favorite flower) and his wife's corsage will match hers.

My parents do not have animosity towards each other, but are also not each other's biggest fans needless to say.  I know they would sit together if I asked them, but I want them to each enjoy the day as much as I will and I know allowing them each to have their own space and special treatments will make things a little easier.

BlondeBride88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dealing-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6e995fda-90e6-4247-9c0c-c6bb77d8e92fPost:df59fca7-b5c4-4443-871a-4ae8b43a38bd">Dealing with divorced parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Does anyone have any advice on dealing with parents who are divorced?  Especially if 1 parent has moved on and the other hasn't? My fiance's parents are divorced and his mother has a serious boyfriend, while his dad never really dated again.  HIs mom and her boyfriend have been up several times to help with wedding planning already, while his dad hasn't really contributed at all.  His mom's bf has even volunteered a number of times to help in any way he can with the wedding, and also said he doesn't want to butt in and isn't expecting to be an "offcial" part of it. As a result, I'm really confused about what we should be doing for stuff like: - Who should escort who (like one of the other recent posts), especially if we only have a Best Man and MOH and no groom's men and bridesmaids -
<strong>My dad is walking me, but both sets of parents are giving me away (I'm close to my step dad) I We have ushers that will escort everyone, and are treating all family members the same.</strong>
we're supposed to buy gifts for the parents to thank them for their support during the planning, are all the gifts supposed to be of equal value?  And are we not supposed to give a gift to the mom's bf?  How do we fit it in with his dad who hasn't helped, or does that not matter? -
<strong>There is no rule saying that you HAVE to get anybody a gift. A nice card will do just fine. We are giving thank you notes and engraved photo frames (one to each set of parents). My dad did give us some money, but not as much as my mom. We are still giving him the same. The mom's bf can be fit in with the mom's gift. Our parents know that we cannot afford much, and would be happy with nothing.</strong>
For seating, we thought we could do a sweetheart table so people could be with their dates, but should we seat his mom and her bf at the same table as his dad? What's the etiquette here?  I'm so confused!
<strong>I'm not seeting anyone for the reception, but we are putting all the parents at one table for the rehearsal. Yes, this may sound crazy but it is a table for 8 (us and 3 sets of parents) and it  is big enough they don't have to talk to one another. I want my mom and dad with me, and they should be civil for 2-3 hours out of respect for me.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!
</strong>Posted by ZaiX3[/QUOTE]

Artnerd16

Not sure about a few of those but as far as seating... my parents are divorced and REALLY don't get along so I'm seating them at different tables as far away from each other as I can. So far everything in the etiquette books I've read says that's the right call but for all of these I'd say go with your gut and do what feels right for you and your family. Good luck!

Myroni03

My parents are divorced and have been since 1990 but things are still tense with them. They will both be at the wedding with their spousses but I'm going to seperate them as much as I can.

They have had to deal with plenty of graduations, parties, etc. over the years but this is the first wedding they have both been invited to since their divorce and the wedding is taking place at the same place they were married so I'm sure that will make things awkward too.

My best advice is to talk to everyone seperately and ask them what they are comfortable with. I would also make sure that someone dotes on dad a little bit so he gets the attention he deserves. Make it a point to pose for pictures with just dad, give him extra encouragement etc. I wouldn't put mom's bf in a ton of the pictures b/c in reality he might not stick around for too long.

Ckirwin

i have the same situation, except it's my dad who's in a longterm relationship and my mom who is not dating anyone.

the ushers will usher everyone in, regardless if they are family or guest. i'm still not sure how to do the seating in the church, though. Bmaids will be in the first pew, but i was thinking my mom, then dad, then dad's gf in the second pew. my parents thankfully get along so i'm sure they can sit next to each other for my ceremony and not freak out.

gifts should not be based on how much they contribute to your wedding (and no, they're not mandatory). like someone else said, it's about thanking them for being a part of your life and getting you to where you are now, married! we'll be getting gifts for my FI's parents (still married), my mom, and a joint gift for my dad/gf.

for the reception we are doing a sweetheart table and i will be seating my parents at separate tables, my dad and gf with my sisters/their fams, and my mom with her siblings/grandma. so both tables will be next to our table, but they don't have to look across at each other! i'm more doing this because my dad's gf feels really awkward around my mom (my mom doesn't care and they've never had a fight/awkward moment so i'm not sure why she's like that).

i know every family is different, so do what makes everyone in your group the most comfortable! GL!

fairy_diva

I am in your boat too, in a way.
 FI's parents are divorced, and while they are not hostile, FI stated it would be for the best if they are not seated together or even near each other. They have been divorced for around 15 years.
For the ceremony I am still working out exactly how I want them seated on that side.  His dad is one if the "best men", so he will be at the alter with us. 

Here's where it gets fun:

Step mom and mom will be seated, they do not get along

2 grandmothers and a step grandfather, they are fine with each other

Step brother(step mom's son): his wife does not get along with stepmom

Mom has sig other that she has lived with for more than 10 years

5 yr old half brother that will be seated with stepmom

27 yr old sister that is a PIA and will seated with mom, along with her son

Reception:

We get a sweetheart table

My parents who have been married almost 39 years with have a table with my only living 2 grandparents, my brother (a groomsman) my sister (my MatronOH) and my nephew the RB

His Mom will have table for her parents, daughter, grandson

His dad will have table with his mom, step mom and 2 half siblings...

At least that's what I've worked out so far.

Knelson5

My parents just separated 3 years ago... and my dad has a girlfriend... and my mom dosent like it...

My situation is a little different. Dad's girl friend is not getting any spotlight and she knows that and is totally comfortable with it. No bad blood.

My dad said that he would walk out with my mom.

Our sticky situation in that is that my FI's dad has a long term girl friend and his family has a very different take on all of it.

So will his mom walk in alone? I say no fair.
SOOOO I had this thought..
His mom can come in with her daughters...
My mom with my dad
His dad with the girlfriend.
My sis it the MOH and my Bro can walk in with his bridesmaid escort.
DONE.

Gifts... I say if the person has been a part of your life... give them a lil token of your thanks. In my case I would not get a gift for my dad's girl friend... but I might for my FI girlfriend. Situations are different. Honor those who are close to you.

Seating... My mom and dad won't be any place near eachother.
His mom and dad can stand to be at the same table.

Wonder if any of this helps... Like I said, situations are different.

jjrice09

For my wedding, my father is married where my mother is not.  I asked her who she wanted to escort her and she suggested one of her brothers. (one of my uncles)  I thought this was a great idea.  However it would only work if they have siblings.
But to simplify things, remember that it is yours, and your fiance's day.  The parents just have to be okay with that and be mature about it.  GOOD LUCK!!

AllisonCombs

This is such a crappy part of life.  My parents have been divorced for 9 years but still can barely last 3 minutes on the phone, so you can imagine where that leaves me.  There are also all kinds of crazy residual issues regarding financial and emotional support of me, hypersensitivity to favoritism, etc etc etc.  My wedding is in 3 weeks and I have spent the past 6 months telling my self over and over that I am not going to let overthinking and anxiety about this situation ruin MY day, but it is so much easier said than done.

I don't know how much (if any) actually useful advice I have, this is more of a "Hey!  You're not alone!" kind of thing, plus a chance for me to anonymously vent a wee bit...But here's what I'm doing:

My mom is not seeing anyone currently, but is bringing a date (a good friend's brother is flying in from New York to escort her basically.....yes, it's all very "The Wedding Date"...) and my dad remarried 18 months ago, but his wife is not going to be able to attend (THANK THE POWERS THAT BE) due to various miscommunications/misunderstandings that she has made abundantly clear are entirely my fault.  And now I'm just plain ranting.  Anyways I do not plan to seat my parents anywhere near each other, though I am conscious of not seating them on opposite sides of the room or anything that I feel will just draw attention to the sad fact that they can't stand to be near each other.  Same goes for the rehearsal dinner and the morning after brunch.

The only semi-interaction they are scheduled to have is that I am having them both give me away.  This is for a couple reasons...one is that my mom has been far more generous and financially supportive regarding the wedding planning, not to mention the abundance of emotional support she has provided throughout the recent heart-wrenching conflicts between me and my pop + wife.  For a while I didn't even know if he was going to be coming, and it just wouldn't seem right to me to stand up there with him as if everything was normal.  The other, lighter reason is to sneakily insert a tiny bit of Jewish tradition into the otherwise secular ceremony without making his extremely conservative (helloooo Texas!) family uncomfortable.


Anyways that's my master plan / thinly veiled excuse to vent.  I don't know if any of it is helpful, but believe me when I tell you that is very much the abridged version.......Best of luck with your situation!!!!  I'm sure that it will all melt away in the wonder of your (YOUR!) special day.  All the best.

kazoo05

Ladies, I have read through all of this, and some of this helps and some does not.

I'm clearly in the same boat, but I'm just beginning my planning, as I still have a year before our wedding.  My parent's are divorced, and have been for most of my life.  Mom raised my sister and I as a single Mom, and Father barely even existed.  Once I turned about 20 (25 now) he decided to make an attempt at being a part of my life.  I hold some grudges against him and feel that he doesn't even know me as a person, let alone his daughter.  I don't want him to walk me down the aisle but I'm not sure how to let him know that he will only be invited as a guest?  I'm thinking of letting him read during the ceremony so that he feels included, but he's not contributing ANYTHING towards the wedding.

Even though Mom is paying for the wedding, our invitations read "Along with their parents..." as to not upset anyone (basically Father & his side of the family).  This is agreed on by both sides mine & FI's.
How do I deal with the no Father-daughter dance? My FI would still like to dance with his mom.  Is it weird to have a Mother-Daughter dance? Could my Fi & I both dance with our Moms to the same song, maybe to not make it as awkward?

UGH! HELP!  These are only the beginning of my questions in how to deal with this.