Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

To Elope or Not To Elope?

Major dilemma. 
I just recently got engaged (about a month ago) and my fiance and I were really excited about getting married very soon.
January 1, 2011 would be the perfect date for many reasons- 
1) We first met & hung out on New Years Eve. and it was love at first "connection" for us both.(even though we were old middle school mates and had recently reconnected and chatting online a few months prior)
2) I am moving to North Carolina with him also around that time. And it would be a nice transition to move together as a married couple
3) We would be starting the new year as a married couple. Therefore, our Anniversary would be much more meaningful every year as we celebrate not only a "New Year" but also another year of our love.
ALRIGHT. now that it's all laid out. 
We don't want a traditional big wedding. We narrowed our guest list to only 40 people- to include immediate family. (his is larger due to divorced parents) and best friends. So we figured great it will be small, cute, non-traditional, outdoor wedding. We even had his mom's friends say she could lend us her beautiful huge lavishly landscaped house for free.
ONLY PROBLEM- my sister wouldn't be able to make it with her two kids and husband. Tickets are very expensive for her to fly in for that date- especially since its a holiday. She would have to fly in alone and leave the kids and hubby. 
At first she made it seem like no problem. But after several conversations she and my mother kept pressuring me to change the date- so that they could all make it- and I finally caved. AFTER WE HAD ALREADY SENT SAVE THE DATES.
I understand that the plans were rushed and that she is tight on cash so soon but I was also really upset that she was making give up my special date.
Of course my fiance is also really upset, but understanding that I can't say "no" and I need my sister to be there. BUT he brought up an alternative that might work. We could do a courtroom elope on our "special day" and hold a sort of "mock Wedding" a couple months after when my sister would be able to make it. I really like the idea but I am not sure how to go about it-
should I tell my mom and sis about wanting to elope first privately (since 
it would just be me and him in a court- nothing special) and risk hurting their feelings- that it wont be "the real thing" later? 
OR 
should I keep it a secret??? and if I keep it a secret...then should we announce after the fact that we have eloped and hope that my family doesn't disown me? or should we just never tell anyone?
PLEASE HELP! I'm so torn Cry


Re: To Elope or Not To Elope?

  • If you get married in the courthouse, THAT is your wedding.  No do-overs.

    I think you should stick with your original plan and go ahead with the wedding on 1/1/11.
  • Getting married at the courthouse is just as real as getting married in a big puffy white dress.  Don't keep it a secret and have a fake do-over wedding.

    Only you can decide whether it is more important to get married on 1/1/11 or to be able to accomodate your sister.  Personally, I think you are trying to pull this together on awfully short notice and would reschedule for a time that better suits your family.  However, if you are really attached to this date, go ahead and get married.  Either way, stand by your decision and don't feel like what you choose isn't "real" just because it doesn't fit your vision.
  • Your intimation that a courthouse wedding isn't a real wedding is insulting to every single married couple who chose to have a courthouse wedding and are very much married.  So please stop saying that.

    I'm going to speak as someone who's been both MOB and MOG.  It would have hurt more than I have words to explain had I not been able to watch our children on their wedding day.  We have been with them for every one of their major life experiences, and to be intentionally kept out of their wedding would have been very, very painful for us.

    My DH's uncle eloped, and for the rest of her life, DH's grandmother carried the hurt that she didn't get to see her only son married.

    I personally think that family and friends mean more than a date on a calendar, but only you can decide which means more to you.  I'd choose family every time.  Every single time.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • To be fair, OP actually said the 2nd event would NOT be the "real thing," so either she changed her post or you misread it.

    If you did elope, keeping it a secret would not only be difficult (would you continue the lie with your kids and just secretly celebrate your anniversary every year?) but also would be adding more injury to the hurt of not being invited to your wedding.

    I can't speak other people but I would never understand my sister prioritizing numerology or something of a date above my prescence at her actual wedding. Maybe your family's different but to me a date is a just a date, no matter when you get married that day will represent an extremely meaningful one to you and your FI.

    At this point I'm not really sure what you can do because 1/1 flights are not only holidat but also very close from now, so flights would be prohibitively expensive for ALL guests (if they haven't already made plans) but at least if you invited them, they could make the decision to come or not. But if you need your sister to be there on your wedding day, change the date. Celebrate two anniversaries: when you met and when you got married.
  • I appreciate all of your input. It has definitely put things into a new light for me.

    Of course, i posted this because I was feeling guilty about eloping and then having a staged wedding later to include everyone. 
    It was my fiances idea and I just wanted to please everyone. 
    But as you all have pointed out and I have come to realize, our date can still be special but the wedding is meant to be shared with our family and loved ones. 

    I had already changed the wedding date, but I know now that I don't feel comfortable with eloping before and keeping this secret from everyone. 

    Now that I think about it, I don't think I would have gone through with it.
    And as each day passes I am more excited about envisioning my wedding as the day my family is there. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-not-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:743e50ab-1859-4cb7-af87-b3ce7bf15749Post:7b288c4e-3293-4d4a-80b8-0f755166f4a3">Re: To Elope or Not To Elope?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Rabbit, I'm also a people pleaser... to a degree that can actually be very bad for me sometimes.  In this case, I would say that you need to remember what your wedding is intended to celebrate -- it seems that it's important to you that your sister be present and part of the wedding.  If that is your priority, then you will want to find a date that allows for your sister to be able to be there (and buy flight tix soon enough so she saves some $$ since it is always expensive to fly).   I won't post on the special-ness of your 1/1/11 as you have already kind of conceded on that point in your last post.  However, you will want to make sure that your FI and you are BOTH happy with the plans for the wedding, including the date. <strong> Find another date that holds some meaning for you. </strong> Mothers' day weekend is sometimes popular for that reason.  If you have a family relative with a birthday, like your dad's birthday or something, having the wedding that day could be just as meaningful as New Years day.   And to bring up one completely unrelated but maybe-related point... if your FI likes sports at all, I would avoid 1/1 of any year.  It is a huge sports day... and it might be nice to have your future-Husband's undivided attention on your anniversary.  :-)  Good luck with your plans... and try to make sure that you and your FI are happy... and everything else will fall into place! (for this one day you can set aside the "people pleasing" as long as you stick to regular rules of etiquette). 
    Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

    See, that's the part that I don't get.  Our wedding date had no "special" meaning to us, until our wedding day.  That's when it became meaningful to us.

    While I know that there are people who feel that they have to have a "special" date for their wedding, I simply don't get it.  IMO, your wedding date becomes a special day for you after you're married. 

    It just seems like there are those who try too hard to find a significant reason for a wedding date.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Considering that we've got about two millenia of recorded history behind us, I'm sure you can find something cool/sweet to associate with your wedding date.  We were looking at a Friday in late April for logistical reasons, and it turns out that April 23 is Shakespeare's birthday and was on a Friday in 2010.  Since we're into literature and theatre, it worked for us.  But we weren't going to bend over backwards and make it inconvenient for people just to get a cool date. 

    The date will be special because that's the date when you are married.  What's wrong with having multiple days to celebrate your relationship? 
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-not-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:743e50ab-1859-4cb7-af87-b3ce7bf15749Post:2695a13c-524d-4988-9578-8d780c32e3bb">Re: To Elope or Not To Elope?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Considering that we've got about two millenia of recorded history behind us, I'm sure you can find something cool/sweet to associate with your wedding date.  We were looking at a Friday in late April for logistical reasons, and it turns out that April 23 is Shakespeare's birthday and was on a Friday in 2010.  Since we're into literature and theatre, it worked for us.  But we weren't going to bend over backwards and make it inconvenient for people just to get a cool date.  The date will be special because that's the date when you are married.  What's wrong with having multiple days to celebrate your relationship? 
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    Sometime it just works out.  We did a Ben Franklin quotes/Philadelphia theme for our wedding.  My friend's mom literally squealed when they got they the National Constitution Center and found out the everything historical had free admission that day because it was National Constitution Day.  Sarah said her mom was gushing, "Now i know why Tricia picked tomorrow to get married.  Oh my goodness, she is so smart.  This is just perfect!!!"  Um.  I had no idea this day even existed.
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    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-not-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:743e50ab-1859-4cb7-af87-b3ce7bf15749Post:0c18e264-5ba0-48e2-83e1-ed1915fb8691">Re: To Elope or Not To Elope?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Elope or Not To Elope? : See, that's the part that I don't get.  Our wedding date had no "special" meaning to us, until our wedding day.  That's when it became meaningful to us. While I know that there are people who feel that they have to have a "special" date for their wedding, I simply don't get it.  IMO, your wedding date becomes a special day for you after you're married.  It just seems like there are those who try too hard to find a significant reason for a wedding date.
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    I'm with you on this, Trix.  To us, we just wanted to be married, that was the "special" part. We literally went to our venue and just said "We want the first Friday night you have available in 2010", we didn't care what date it was. It turned out to be a "cool" date, but we seriously would have taken any of the 50-something Fridays 2010 had to offer and been just as happy with it.

    If it works out that you can get a date that's already meaningful, great ... but bending over backwards to make it work is just silly. The date on the calendar doesn't make it special, the agenda for the day does.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • Glad you changed the date, I agree with PPs that you have one wedding and that is it. "Secret" weddings tend to backfire and hurt a lot of peoples' feelings. And as PP said--nothing wrong with having multiple dates to celebrate your relationship! You don't have to lose the specialness of New Year's, you just add another day to celebrate!  H & I's first date was October 15. We got married August 14 this year--do you think that stopped us from going out on Oct. 15? Nope! We went back to the restaurant where we had our first date and had dinner and a bottle of wine. Nothing wrong with celebrating two momentus occasions each year!
    Crosswalk
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