Help

sharoni411

So... My ideal wedding was in Mexico, show up with a dress and a check and send out invites! (LOW STRESS)
Save the dates are sent - dress in hand and trip booked!
My soon to be In Laws are not in good shape health wise (this happened since the wedding was booked) they can't travel all the way to Mexico.
SO to make everyone happy I have decided to have a SMALL wedding and BIG backyard party here locally. Once again I have to do this before the weather turns cold, and their health doesn't get worse.
 BTW this was all going to happen anyways, just after the trip to Mexico!
So all this is great except;
Local wedding - 9/17
Mexico wedding - 11/19.
Most of my friends and family are being supportive, but some of my guests are, well I guess mad! Asking me why they should go to Mexico if we are already  married and having a celebration here!!!


I guess the question I am asking is; how wrong is this??? YES the order is out of whack, but I am not sure how I can keep everyone happy!!!!

suit10

I don't think you're wrong for doing this, this is just the way it turned out due to your in laws. If they truly want to celebrate with you they will go to where ever your 2nd wedding is (eventhough you will marry 2 months before).

And by the way, I don't mean to be rude but you will NEVER keep everyone happy, I have learned that the hard way, so you might as well do what makes you and your FI happy, and if that means to have 2 weddings, so be it!!

redheadfsu

I would make one of them really really small.

 I understand that this is because of your in-laws' health, so it isn't one's fault. But I can understand that guest wonder why they need to travel, when they would rather save the money and attend the local one.

sharoni411

Good point - the Mexico wedding is small - VERY small! And I have started calling all my guests (30 including kids), to let them know. If they choose to cancel or not book the trip, so be it!

DramaGeek

I agree with redhead - keep the local one super small, immediate family only.  Unless one of you has 10 siblings, you're probably looking at 10-15 people - parents, siblings/SOs, and possibly grandparents.

Dumb question - can you cancel the Mexico wedding, invite all those people to the local wedding, and then just use the Mexico trip for your honeymoon?

MyNameIsNot

I would feel the same way.  Why would I want to go to Mexico with you if you're already married?

Why not just turn that trip into your honeymoon?  If people booked it and still want to go, you can party with them on the trip.  But I don't get the point of having a fake wedding in Mexico after you've done the real deal at home 2 months prior.

amys325

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:279bc43e-9bc8-4a75-b844-5484cc5835a0">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I would feel the same way.  Why would I want to go to Mexico with you if you're already married? Why not just turn that trip into your honeymoon?  If people booked it and still want to go, you can party with them on the trip.  But I don't get the point of having a fake wedding in Mexico after you've done the real deal at home 2 months prior.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Why wouldn't you want to go to Mexico?!? Perfect excuse for a vacation in my opinion! To the OP, if Mexico was your dream wedding, then go there as well as having the event at home prior. Yes, you will piss people off, but no matter what you do in regards to weddings you'll piss someone off! Just as long as you and your FB are happy!

amys325

Sorry meant FH, not FB...

amys325

And it is very common for Destination Brides to get married at the courthouse first and then have their wedding at their destination. I didn't do this because St. Thomas is a US Territory, but I think some people do this for other countries.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:c452053d-c91b-470b-8ac2-1a8f38900346">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]And it is very common for Destination Brides to get married at the courthouse first and then have their wedding at their destination. I didn't do this because St. Thomas is a US Territory, but I think some people do this for other countries.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

Not really true or proper. One can get married in a foreign country & it is just as easy as getting married in the U.S. As long as one follows the laws of that country, then it is legal in the U.S. If people have two weddings they are doing something strange, not common. OP isn't doing anything "wrong" because her family is sick & she is trying to include them. But saying it is common is silly.

P.S. I'm a destination bride.

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:6ecdd13e-db12-45a1-8015-1113443068bd">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : Not really true or proper. One can get married in a foreign country & it is just as easy as getting married in the U.S. As long as one follows the laws of that country, then it is legal in the U.S. If people have two weddings they are doing something strange, not common. OP isn't doing anything "wrong" because her family is sick & she is trying to include them. But saying it is common is silly. P.S. I'm a destination bride.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Ditto.  You simply have to follow the laws of that country to make it legal. 

In any case, I don't understand either why having a wedding in Mexico is so important to you.  Can't you just have your honeymoon there and have a private ceremony just you and FI (well DH at that point) at the same time?  Seems like a lot less trouble.  You'd still have that DW experience with pics, you just won't have any guests.

amys325

Sometimes certain governments expect you to be there and sign the papers a certain amount of time in advance before you can get married.  Some couples can't be there that early and choose to have a civil ceremony in the states and then have their destination wedding.

I didn't sign any papers on my wedding day, we had to sign them at the court house 3 days prior to our wedding.  The only people who signed anything were our witnesses. 

Redhead, for being a destination bride, I'm truly surprised at your attitude towards etiquette considering people tend to think it's in bad taste to have a DW in the first place.

To the OP...you DESERVE to have your dream wedding in Mexico, as well as doing what you need to do for your FHs parents.

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:2af93529-090e-4063-a463-a066de8a38ec">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Sometimes certain governments expect you to be there and sign the papers a certain amount of time in advance before you can get married.</strong>  Some couples can't be there that early and choose to have a civil ceremony in the states and then have their destination wedding. I didn't sign any papers on my wedding day, we had to sign them at the court house 3 days prior to our wedding.  The only people who signed anything were our witnesses.  Redhead, for being a destination bride, I'm truly surprised at your attitude towards etiquette considering people tend to think it's in bad taste to have a DW in the first place. To the OP...you DESERVE to have your dream wedding in Mexico, as well as doing what you need to do for your FHs parents.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

That goes with what both Redhead and I said:  You need to follow the legal requirements of that country.  If you can't, well too bad, either find another destination or don't have a destination wedding at all. 

How are you surprised at Redhead's attitude?  She hasn't said anything remotely controversial here.

People tend to think DW are selfish not in bad taste.  I think if the bride and groom are ready to accept that most people cannot attend then by all means go for it.  If the bride and groom have unrealistic expectations then it's another story.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:2af93529-090e-4063-a463-a066de8a38ec">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes certain governments expect you to be there and sign the papers a certain amount of time in advance before you can get married.  Some couples can't be there that early and choose to have a civil ceremony in the states and then have their destination wedding. I didn't sign any papers on my wedding day, we had to sign them at the court house 3 days prior to our wedding.  The only people who signed anything were our witnesses.  Redhead, for being a destination bride, I'm truly surprised at your attitude towards etiquette considering people tend to think it's in bad taste to have a DW in the first place. To the OP...you DESERVEto have your dream wedding in Mexico, as well as doing what you need to do for your FHs parents.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

If the couple looks up the law before they plan the wedding, then they can do it properly. Being lazy isn't an excuse. But some countries do require <u>months</u> of residency so in a (very) few situations one might have to do what you stated. But again that does not make it common, it makes it the exception. And DWs are not bad etiquette- if you do it properly. Plus, I'm eloping. So yeah, your point is? You might want to lurk more.

Again OP, as long as one is small & everyone is aware of the health problems. No one should judge you. But since you say that both are probably small, I would say have a small local wedding and make Mexico a fun honeymoon. Or see what your guests would prefer. Good luck.

amys325

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:6e684471-39c9-4128-b509-83bb890e367b">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : If the couple looks up the law before they plan the wedding, then they can do it properly. Being lazy isn't an excuse. But some countries do require months of residency so in a (very) few situations one might have to do what you stated. But again that does not make it common, it makes it the exception. And DWs are not bad etiquette- if you do it properly. <strong>Plus, I'm eloping</strong>. So yeah, your point is? You might want to lurk more. Again OP, as long as one is small & everyone is aware of the health problems. No one should judge you. But since you say that both are probably small, I would say have a small local wedding and make Mexico a fun honeymoon. Or see what your guests would prefer. Good luck.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

So you aren't doing anything for anyone besides you and your FH, but yet you are the first to insult people who are trying to throw the best party that they can for friends and family....

Cynthia1207

amys more and more I am starting to think you are this:



I refuse to believe someone could be so ridiculous/oblivious to reality and be real.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:711482df-819a-4453-8c79-2dc50ebee4f3">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : So you aren't doing anything for anyone besides you and your FH, but yet you are the first to insult people who are trying to throw the best party that they can for friends and family....
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

I throw parties all the time. My wedding will be a vacation. But I host nice large fancy parties for friends and family all the time. Plus, I have helped many of my friends plan their traditional weddings.

But didn't you have a DW? So with the same logic, you should only be able to give advice on DWs and not traditional weddings. Pot meet kettle.

ETA: If you expect people on these forums to love every idea people have, then you should leave now. The knot is known for the harsh honest truth. If you don't like people being blunt, then find one of the forums that loves everything someone suggests no matter what.

amys325

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:e33bbc73-434d-4639-9d5c-9455980b7f7e">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : I throw parties all the time. My wedding will be a vacation. But I host nice large fancy parties for friends and family all the time. Plus, I have helped many of my friends plan their traditional weddings. But didn't you have a DW? So with the same logic, you should only be able to give advice on DWs and not traditional weddings. Pot meet kettle.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I had a DW with guests. 

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:42e6574a-3513-47eb-9a7b-b67b4765e192">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : I had a DW with guests. 
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

Ok. Your point is?

amys325

My point is that I had a traditional wedding, but it just happened to be a destination wedding as well.  So it's not the same.  I had to make the tough decisions that you are so quick to comment about, when you aren't doing them at all.  It's easy when you tell your friend to do something for her wedding, it's harder when you are making those decisions that will affect your relationships and bank account.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:8cd35e92-7c43-4c31-ba80-5a910e761fbf">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]My point is that I had a traditional wedding, but it just happened to be a destination wedding as well.  So it's not the same.  I had to make the tough decisions that you are so quick to comment about, when you aren't doing them at all.  It's easy when you tell your friend to do something for her wedding, it's harder when you are making those decisions that will affect your relationships and bank account.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

I know. We all have had hard decisions with money and planning, including me.

The thread you are referencing most of my comments came from me being a guest at weddings where the bride cared more about herself than her guests. I have no idea why you took it personal. I didn't attack you. I understand money & planning issues.  I have had almost a four year engagement.

My opinions are not wacky on these boards. I'm not new to his place. You are. The knot is not a lovefest. We tell people what others might say behind their back. I'm just blunt. If you don't like it, you don't have to read my posts. I doubt I'm the last person you will have issues with. Good luck dealing with these boards.

amys325

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:ae4cd0bc-fc39-46ed-bafb-1b3b07b9906f">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : I know. We all have had hard decisions with money and planning, including me. The thread you are referencing most of my comments came from me being a guest at weddings where the bride cared more about herself than her guests. I have no idea why you took it personal. I didn't attack you. I understand money & planning issues.  I have had almost a four year engagement. My opinions are not wacky on these boards. I'm not new to his place. You are. The knot is not a lovefest. <strong>We tell people what others might say behind their back. I'm just blunt. If you don't like it, you don't have to read my posts.</strong> I doubt I'm the last person you will have issues with. Good luck dealing with these boards.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

And I'm here to tell them that just because some old hag wrote it in a book, that it's not the end all be all of weddings rules.   

Obviously a lot of the same controversial topics come up constantly (I've been doing this for a week and have seem the same three topics come up at least 5 times each).  The reason these things are brought up so often is that they are common amongst the wedding community.

For you to discount what I said in my previous post about people getting married before their destination wedding was attacking my point of view.  I was telling you what I've learned over the past year when it comes to planning DW or weddings in general.  Common and proper are two different things. 

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:47eaaf3f-80f8-4e45-b986-0ee1240f24b4">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : <strong>And I'm here to tell them that just because some old hag wrote it in a book, that it's not the end all be all of weddings rules.</strong>    Obviously a lot of the same controversial topics come up constantly (I've been doing this for a week and have seem the same three topics come up at least 5 times each).  The reason these things are brought up so often is that they are common amongst the wedding community. For you to discount what I said in my previous post about people getting married before their destination wedding was attacking my point of view.  I was telling you what I've learned over the past year when it comes to planning DW or weddings in general.  Common and proper are two different things. 
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry.  I didn't know you were so important. 

You're right you know, common and proper are two different things.  That's why etiquette exists; so that people can do things properly.  So the old hag (I'm guessing you're referring to Emily Post?) is doing things properly.

Just because you got married and had 3 AHR doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about weddings.  People on these boards tell you what's rude, what's AW-ish and what's just plain ridiculous.  We aren't scared to give our own opinions or advice.  You're free to take it or leave it but let me tell you most of the time, the ''mean'' girls who are ''oh-so-rude'' are absolutely RIGHT.

Your family and friends don't want to hurt your feelings so they will validate everythign you do or say.  We don't care about your feelings, we care about your guests and how they will perceive certain things.  Giving a little perspective on an issue is always a good thing.

You coming in and prancing about and offering blind validation to every poster (it's YOUR day!!!! Do whatever YOU want!!!)  is NOT giving advice nor is it any more productive for the bride posting.  Sure sometimes we say the ugly truth, but sometimes it needs to be heard. 

Like I've told you before, you should LURK before posting.  I'm not saying you have to change your POV or your way of thinking but at least you're going to get a feel for what the boards are really for and how productive they can actually be.

redheadfsu

Amy,

I'm eloping - having a JOP. So when people say that it is "common" to have a JOP and  then have a "wedding." That is insulting. Very insulting to JOP brides. A JOP is a wedding and you only get one wedding (unless you get divorced). I corrected you as nicely as I could - I'm not fighting with you, but you have a huge attitude. I don't think I have insulted you. If I did, I didn't mean too. But you need to relax, really. You are insulting me, but I'm not taking it personal as I assume you are new.

Again OP, I understand your situation - none of this has to do with you. Amy is just stirring the pot.

lyndausvi

I'll admit.

I would find it weird to attend a small wedding with a BIG backyard reception 2 months BEFORE your DW.

It's just... I don't know.... odd.  

I'm fairly certain I would not make the same effort to go to Mexico as I would if the DW was a true DW.   Maybe it's the reception that is throwing me off?  

note:  I live in St Thomas, my wedding was in NJ and OOT for 100% of my guests.  A DW of sorts.

amys325

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:6921e39f-5979-486a-81c8-dd41f4bc4f92">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Amy, I'm eloping - having a JOP. So when people say that it is "common" to have a JOP and  then have a "wedding." That is insulting. Very insulting to JOP brides. A JOP is a wedding and you only get one wedding (unless you get divorced). I corrected you as nicely as I could - I'm not fighting with you, but you have a huge attitude. I don't think I have insulted you. If I did, I didn't mean too. But you need to relax, really. You are insulting me, but I'm not taking it personal as I assume you are new. Again OP, I understand your situation - none of this has to do with you. Amy is just stirring the pot.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Listen Red, I did not realize that this was a sensitive subject for you and I'm sorry for that.  I wasn't trying to insult you, I'm just stating the facts that I've learned from other sites and people.  People get married by a JOP and then go have a more traditional wedding/dedication/vow renewal after the fact.  If it was one of my friends, I would still be happy going to Mexico and joining her on her "wedding" day.  And that's all I was trying to tell the OP.

Yes I'm new to TK, but not new to wedding planning.  Nothing is set in stone and sometimes you have to make decisions based on your own personal preferences.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:788e8bbe-76d2-4073-85df-2445bff36b74Post:eb14cb7b-b9de-41e4-94cc-d622d8f54240">Re: Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help : Listen Red, I did not realize that this was a sensitive subject for you and I'm sorry for that.  I wasn't trying to insult you, I'm just stating the facts that I've learned from other sites and people.  People get married by a JOP and then go have a more traditional wedding/dedication/vow renewal after the fact.  If it was one of my friends, I would still be happy going to Mexico and joining her on her "wedding" day.  And that's all I was trying to tell the OP. Yes I'm new to TK, but not new to wedding planning.  Nothing is set in stone and sometimes you have to make decisions based on your own personal preferences.
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

Um, as I said many times I think this OP is fine. I never said she was wrong in what she is doing <u>because she is trying to think about her family & her guests</u>. Not just having a do-over. Again what the hell is your point/problem with me in this thread? 

People do a lot of things wrong, that doesn't mean it is proper & you should tell them to keep doing it (as you are doing it all the threads you post in). If you want to keep discussing this please PM me -as your issue is with me and I'm sure everyone is tired of reading this.