Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Can I not invite Grandma?

My maternal grandmother is mentally ill, however, she is a "functioning" person.  She tends to start fights with everyone in the family.  She hates men (and boys) and says crazy things like she thought my 3 year-old nephew was trying to murder her, and when he was 8 and got in trouble at school, she asked if he had gone to prison.  My mom feels obligated to her, and she really wants me to invite her (my mentally ill grandfather is on the agreed "Do not invite" list).  I do not want this woman at my wedding.  I can see her throwing a tantrum or saying something unthinkable to someone, including my sweet nephew or even my FH.  I told my mom I would consider it.  My maternal aunt agrees that g-ma should not be invited.  I don't want to make my mom feel bad or put her in a place of telling g-ma that the invitation is NOT in the mail.  What should I do?  Can I get away with not inviting and welcoming a sociopath to our wedding?

Re: Can I not invite Grandma?

  • Do your grandparents live together? If so, I don't see how you would invite one without the other.

                       
  • I have a grandmother who is not being invited. She has severe altzheimers and wouldn't remember who I was, so it is not worth making her stressed and worried that she should remember something she can't.
  • Wow, I'm sorry that you feel so unsympathetic to your grandmother's plight that you refer to her as a "sociopath."  If she is in fact mentally ill, then she probably deserves a little bit of sympathy. 

    If I was in your situation, I would not extend an invitation to my grandmother - if only for the reason, that I want my other guests not to be put in an awkward situation - not so that I wouldn't be embarrassed. 

    Good luck with this.  Sounds like this is not really something that can be helped.
  • How is her recall?  That is, will she even remember if she is invited or whether she attended your wedding or not?  Does she still remember you and/or how old you actually are.  With certain degenerative disorders people often recall their kids/grandkids much younger than they actually are or not at all.  If this is the case she probably will not even realize what is going on so her feelings will not be hurt.
    Overall, I think it depends on the severity of her disorder and how close the two of you are.  For instance, my Grandmother and I are close.  I would be heart broken if she was not at my wedding.  So if it would not hurt or stress her out I would have somone on "Grandma" duty as someone else mentioned.  They could watch her and explain to anyone that she has such and such disorder.  I am sure adults will be understanding.  Even children can be understanding to a point and most things will role off of their shoulders when handled appropriately.  However, the chaperon could help to eliminate any situations.  From your posts, it sounds like you have already made up your mind though.  All you have to do is go about it in an appropriate way so no one gets too upset.  Just remember you can't please everyone.
  • I appreciate the advice.  

    Also, my grandmother has never been well, nor was she a caring, loving mother to her own children (think of the book/movie "Mommy Dearest").  I have thought about sending her an invite, but asking my mother not to pay for her to come down (she's in Ohio; we're in Florida), but I don't know that I want to even risk her showing up.  My aunt does not speak to her mother.  My mom feels an obligation because I'm one of her only grandchildren (other than my sister, who got married at a courthouse with no one around.  My grandparents divorced in the 60's, so inviting one and not the other is not an issue.

    I have had wonderful grandparents and great-grandparents, but unfortunately, they are all deceased.  My great aunt and uncle have been my surrogate grandparents since I was a kid, so they will be honored as such.   
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_can-not-invite-grandma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c29cc605-7901-4325-867f-1c35e403a261Post:a14ad911-657e-47ed-b063-081df2c4ae83">Re: Can I not invite Grandma?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, I'm sorry that you feel so unsympathetic to your grandmother's plight that you refer to her as a "sociopath."  If she is in fact mentally ill, then she probably deserves a little bit of sympathy.  If I was in your situation, I would not extend an invitation to my grandmother - if only for the reason, that I want my other guests not to be put in an awkward situation - not so that I wouldn't be embarrassed.  Good luck with this.  Sounds like this is not really something that can be helped.
    Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]

    If OP is trying to describe their grandma to strangers it is completely necesssary to give details of her personality such as sociopath so everyone can make a correct comment that will help her. Sorry but I don't think it was unsympathetic to her. This is wedding planning we're discussing...not puppies and rainbows time
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • My Paternal Grandmother will not be givin and invitation and she doesn't do anything wrong. I have never felt comfortable around her and always on edge. So on my wedding day I want to be happy and excited.

    My sister has mental issues and she is not on the invite list. My mother was trying to guilt me into it because she too felt obligated to her. I finally tol dmy mom that my sister is not going to be invited and it is not open for discussion. If she feels strongly about it she can boycott the wedding in protest but my sister is still not coming.

    M
  • I hear you. We have the same problem with FI's grandmother--she's also mentally ill (and tends to get violent). She could never make the trip (from NC to PA) for the wedding since she gets upset being in unfamiliar surroundings. We're not inviting her at all--it's just not feasible for her to come. It's tough on FI's mother, who is her only caretaker (FMIL's sisters won't lift a finger to help with their mother's care. Nice.) She'll actually have to fly up here the day of the wedding and then fly back right after because FI's grandmother can't be left alone too long, and apparently getting a caretaker is not possible (for some rather murky legal reasons, as well as financial). 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards