Alcohol a no-no?

BeeandNickey

My family is of the hardcore baptist faith from dead center in the bible belt. His family is a baptist family from outside of the bible belt. My family is angry because we want to have champagne and wine at our wedding. His family doesn't care no matter what. We are in a pickle because we want the wine and champagne and my family said they will not be in attendance. My fiancé and I are not baptist. We do not want a baptist ceremony. I'm not really religious and he is but he's not baptist. He's more along the lines of catholic. What should we do? If we want to pay for ourselves we could not afford the wedding of our dreams but if my parents helped we still couldn't have the wedding we want. Any suggestions?

Jen4948

I think you'll either have to accept "the wedding of your dreams" without alcohol, or you'll have to pay for it yourself.  If you do, then don't discuss with your family that wine and champagne will be served, and if they walk out upon learning that it is, I'm very sorry.

[Deleted User]

If it were me I would pay for the champagne and wine. If they left that would be their problem, not mine. What you have to figure out is if you can accept them possibly storming out at the reception.

BeeandNickey

Well, I never expected them to foot any of the bill. My fiancé and his mother and I have discussed them doing most of the work. However, my fiances family doesn't have much money. My fiancé and I are both graduating for college and he will be in law school and I will be fresh in the social work field so we aren't going to have tons of money but we will have enough. My parents originally said they weren't paying for anything. Not because they don't agree with our wedding, they are just against helping us out when they believe we should help ourselves. However, they had a change of heart and said they'd help some. This would make it easier for us to achieve my dream wedding, but I honestly don't understand why it's such a fight for at least my fiancé and I to buy our own bottle of champagne and at least just drink ourselves at the reception. It's a tough decision.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_alcohol-a-no-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dd8cfb8e-7038-4a09-a5c0-52d2e523ffa6Post:4ee46d2e-508a-4b56-9f75-1e9d34e9a891">Re: Alcohol a no-no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I never expected them to foot any of the bill. My fiancé and his mother and I have discussed them doing most of the work. However, my fiances family doesn't have much money.<strong> My fiancé and I are both graduating for college and he will be in law school and I will be fresh in the social work field so we aren't going to have tons of money but we will have enough. My parents originally said they weren't paying for anything. Not because they don't agree with our wedding, they are just against helping us out when they believe we should help ourselves.</strong> However, they had a change of heart and said they'd help some. This would make it easier for us to achieve my dream wedding, but I honestly don't understand why it's such a fight for at least my fiancé and I to buy our own bottle of champagne and at least just drink ourselves at the reception. It's a tough decision.
Posted by BeeandNickey[/QUOTE]

They kind of have a point. If he's going straight to law school and you'll be a social worker, how are you planning to support yourselves? Law school isn't cheap and most social workers don't make much more than minimum wage out of school. Maybe you should postpone and save up a bit to have the wedding you want to have. Is there a reason why you need to be married right this instant?

allelsefaild

Why not save the wine/champagne for after the reception when you and your FH are alone? Then you won't have to worry about offending your family. Honestly, if no one else was going to be drinking or one of our familes had a problem with it, we wouldn't have alcohol at our wedding.

If this is something you can't compromise on, I agree with PPs. Buy it yourselves, don't discuss it with them, and be prepared for them to leave when they find out.

[Deleted User]

With them providing funding I think you need to find a happy compromise. What about sparkling grape juice for the toast and white/red grape juice instead of wine. This would also open the window possibly for Mocktails.

Basically it comes down to, what is more important to you, the family peace or the wine? Sometimes you have to give in on things you want for the long term good.

ljsquintz

If I had to choose between having alcohol or my family at my wedding, I would pick my family.  Hands down.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_alcohol-a-no-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dd8cfb8e-7038-4a09-a5c0-52d2e523ffa6Post:ae61c9a8-daec-4859-851c-a1a73b6ed644">Re: Alcohol a no-no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why not save the wine/champagne for after the reception when you and your FH are alone? Then you won't have to worry about offending your family.
Posted by allelsefaild[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  It's obviously something your parents are very against, and it just seems like a "pick your battles" issue to me. </div>

BeeandNickey

Well, the only reason why we suggested that only us have a bottle of champagne is because we first wanted drinks for everybody and my parents went ballistic and said we were worshipping the devil and bringing others down with us. So, we asked if we can just have our champagne toast and they're upset still because of that. Now, they've added to it because my fiancé has 2 homosexual aunts and I have 3 homosexual best friends and they're invited. So, I told them we arent going to have alcohol and now there's this new crap of why they aren't coming. I'm going to say forget it I don't need your money because I'm not going to uninvite Nickey's family and my best friends because of their religious believe. I've altered too much of my wedding already to get them to come.

BeeandNickey

That's what we've decided to do. We will be fine without their money.

ADoyle16

Personally, I would go with a dry reception if any family members don't drink alcohol for religious reasons and I wanted them there. I went to a dry wedding for my mom as her husband has Mormon family members, so in order to have his entire family attend, the reception had to be dry.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to Re:Alcohol a nono?:Well, I never expected them to foot any of the bill. My fianc and his mother and I have discussed them doing most of the work. However, my fiances family doesn't have much money. My fianc and I are both graduating for college and he will be in law school and I will be fresh in the social work field so we aren't going to have tons of money but we will have enough. My parents originally said they weren't paying for anything. Not because they don't agree with our wedding, they are just against helping us out when they believe we should help ourselves. However, they had a change of heart and said they'd help some. This would make it easier for us to achieve my dream wedding, but I honestly don't understand why it's such a fight for at least my fianc and I to buy our own bottle of champagne and at least just drink ourselves at the reception. It's a tough decision. Posted by BeeandNickey Do you already have a job or know you will have one by the time of your wedding? If not, I would wait and pay for the wedding that you want with your own money when you get it. If you just graduating college, you are prob 22 or 23. Relax, wait, get established at a job, then pay for an amazing wedding of your dreams. Theres nothing wrong with accepting financial help but it's not going to be your way. I am 31 and my parents are paying bc we would have eloped otherwise and we didnt want to have to do that nor did my parents want us to. Also they paid for my sister's wedding so how do you pay for one kid and not the other? Just saying... Everyone's situation is different so there's nothing wrong with help. It's just that most of the decisions were made by my parents not us. You have to decide if you are willing to accept not having a say.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_alcohol-a-no-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dd8cfb8e-7038-4a09-a5c0-52d2e523ffa6Post:33cd2147-a664-4e34-bd4e-605d5021d4c7">Re: Alcohol a no-no?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I would go with a dry reception if any family members don't drink alcohol for religious reasons and I wanted them there. I went to a dry wedding for my mom as her husband has Mormon family members, so in order to have his entire family attend, the reception had to be dry.
Posted by ADoyle16[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>See, I struggle with this line of thinking.  I know very religious people who do the "we won't attend if there is alcohol" crap, but they think nothing of sitting at Applebee's, Chili's, TGI Friday's, or any other restaurant that will serve alcohol to the next table.  If they can sit amongst diners drinking at a restaurant, they can sit amongst diners drinking at a reception.</div><div>
</div><div>We dealt with this with DD #3"s wedding.  Her biomom, stepdad, and their ginormous families are Pentecostal and there was a whisper or two of flipping out over alcohol being served.  We set up soft drinks and coffee away from the bar for them and they ended up coming.  I will <strong>not bow </strong>to that line of thinking when I am not asking them to drink.

</div>

erinlin25

If your parents are hosting and they do not drink, its rude to assume they should provide alcohol when they are against it.  Now if you or FI family were to foot that portion of the bill, I would hope your parents would put their judgement aside; and if they can't its on them not you.  But if you cannot afford it, you need to suck it up and have a dry wedding or wait a few years when you can pay for the wedding of your dreams as other PPs have said as well.  You and FI can have a bottle of champagne AFTER the reception when its just you.  It would definitely be rude to drink in front of guests when they cannot.

If alcohol is present, I would hope your parents can be mature adults and accept that you, FI, and family do like to drink and get over it.  Just because its there doesn't mean they are forced to drink it.  FI family has some family like that, so I get how frustrating it is.  The world is full of judgy people, but that is on them and not you.  People can accept it or decline to come (and you need to be prepared for that) but I would hope your own immediate family would accept it and enjoy celebrating your wedding.

racopland

Oh my gosh! My stomach is in knots just thinking about this!! OK, first off, this is my first post, so HELLO:)  Anyway, I've been there---my first wedding was just like this. My fiance's family was super southern baptist and against any alcohol.  My family had their own wine cellar.  So his family said if there was alcohol there, they weren't coming.  My family members said if there was NOT alcohol there, they weren't coming.  (in the end, everyone came).  Basically my family said, "Since we are paying for it, there will be alcohol, so they can say a prayer and get over it.  If wine was good enough for Jesus then it's good enough for us."  (sorry if that is offensive, but that's what they said).  Since his family wasn't paying for it, they really couldn't have a final say in the decisions. And like I said...in the end, EVERYONE came.  And we had ALL types of alcohol. Even tequila.

In your case, how about if you pay for the alcohol if you want it there.  Also, instead of having your familiy "pay for the wedding", just let them "help" with whatever they feel comfortable with.  LIke maybe they could offer to pay for the flowers and your dress, as a gift to you?  Then it's not like they are hosting the event, they just did a sweet thing for their daughter and bought her a wedding dress.