do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?

Nightingalejules

I strongly, strongly agree that the ring is not the issue here. I mean, it's a symptom, and it's bad, but I don't even know if the budget/budgeting thing is even the issue. There is something else going on, and I think vidabohemia knows it, in her heart of hearts. I don't think this guy is ready to get married - he doesn't even seem ready to be engaged, so there's no way he's ready to be married, to be a husband. That's the issue that needs to be addressed first. 

chaiteachick

TXKristan said:

In Response to Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?:

I wouldn't be upset. I'm not much of a person for material possessions. My ring was free- it is a hand-me-down family heirloom, which I happen to love, BUT at the end of the day, ring or not, you are marrying your best friend and a ring or lack of won't change that.
Posted by OwningAHome1981

The issue is that he made a promise and he hasn't kept it.  It could be about a ring or it could be about buying homeowners insurance.  The point is, he made a promise and couldn't (or didn't) save the money necessary.

This, exactly. 

It's not about the ring; it's about your ability to reasonably trust this person to keep his word--and honestly, at this point, I wouldn't trust my FI if he'd done this to me, and we'd be having a SERIOUS talk about why he can't be genuinely serious about our relationship. 

Today it's the ring. A few years down the road, it might be something that's a MUCH bigger deal. 

libby18bell

The ring isn't the red flag for me.  It's him asking for your pay stub and your financial stuff, without him giving it to you in return.  Maybe it's because I've had check fraud once, I'm very leery of that stuff.  Adding on the promise of saving up money to do something and still hasn't.  

FI and I are both extremely open to each other about our finances.  I have seen his pay stub, and he has seen my stuff, you both need to be as open with each other if you are going to be making a lifelong commitment. 

PatriceC59

Holy.....wow, I don't even know what to say about this.  Stage, GoodLuckBear, and other posters are spot on.  Finances are a HUGE HUGE reason for divorce and really big issues in marriages.  I'm past the fact that he did not keep a promise and freaking out FOR you that he can't save $300 in 7 months.  

Times are HARD.  There is no doubt about that, but not being able to squirrel away that much money, especially for something that 1. he knew was important to you and 2. that is doubling as not just an e-ring but your wedding band, too....well, that to me is just poor form on a lot of levels.

I am definitely the breadwinner in my relationship.  It's like that for a lot of us ladies these days!  And that's ok.  But you better believe that my fiance and I have sat down and had very honest and open discussions, and continue to do so, about our finances and how we are planning to spend/save/budget.  

Finances is absolutely a conversation that you MUST MUST MUST have before marrying someone.  That's just the reality of how things are today.  I have a lot on my plate besides my job including my own graduate school loans that are being paid back (which are massive!), so having other things going on is not an excuse.  He still needs to be transparent with you, as you must be with him, about where you stand and what the plan is.

Put your plans on hold until you've got this all straightened out. Talk to a financial planner too.  That will be of a great deal of help.  As may a prenup...

Protect yourself, girl!  Good Luck!

kk181805

I agree with previous posters; you guys definitely need to sit down and talk about your future financially, and with a qualified financial advisor. My fiance and I are both about equal breadwinners, but he does have disproportionately more student loan debt payments than I do, so what we've done to stay on track, and what I think you and your FI should consider doing as well, OP, is to set up a specific joint account solely for our wedding fund, honeymoon and down payment savings. Then, you'd be able to be sure both of you are contributing equally (or at least a pre-set percentage)  to the expense of saving for a wedding, and expenses like wedding bands can be taken from that fund. 

That way, each week a pre-set amount we determined with our financial advisor to be reasonable is always set aside to be saving for our future, and if one month I spend extra buying a lifejacket for my dog or he spends extra buying a zombie video game, the little extra expenses we all inevitably have, don't add up negatively impact the plans we've made together, and there is money there when wedding deposits need to be paid. 

GB520

Kristin789 said:

He's just not that into you.

A man who is really motivated to love a woman, plan a wedding and marry her, and build a life foundation with her is a man who can do the things your FI has not.

Agreed.

I am currently watching my coworker go thru the same thing but he didn't give her any ring. I think I would be more upset that he didn't follow through. Why get engaged then if he can't buy you the 2nd ring? My fiance almost purchased a ring cash in his pocket and everything but I was laid off...timing wasn't  good. So we waited. A year. But the the truth is, if a man wants to marry you he will shout it from the rooftop and will want the world to know. Sounds like maybe it was something to hold you over if you ask me..and not in the way he's said...

Are you guys young? If you are in college I can understand. But even I could figure out how to save $300 in a few months and I have a lot of loans from college. I hate to say it but I think he gave it to you to keep you around. I don't think he wants to get married or is ready. Don't waste your time seriously....

GB520

Also, you should not have to push him...he may not want to get married. I see this all the time girls want to get married and the guy feels trapped bc he doesnt doesn't want to lose her...but then  gets stuck in a marriage marriage doesn't even want to be in. Really think about this. I hope for the best for you.

zitiqueen

vidabohemia said:

I really appreciate all your input
we are going to sit down with a financial advisor and try to get ourselves straightened out . He does have other expenses, such as a small school loan, but I think most of it was he just kept forgetting... he really is a good guy, he just needs to be pushed! he ordered the ring the day after I flipped out about this whole thing going down. I didn't really flip out, I just, made him aware of how disappointed I was. thanks again everyone!

So instead of being his wife, you'll need to be his mother. Good luck with that.

doeydo

Oh I'd be pissed.  Doesn't sound like its a priority to him at all.

Aileta

there i think are bigger issues at hand like a procrastinator or someone with money issues. and most definitely from the sounds of it communication issues.  if this had happened to me i don't think i would be getting married. i probably would have told the guy to hit the road i love him but if he wants marriage he needs to get his gears in working order first. 

$300 or more my fiance pulled together in just a few weeks for my ring. he asked me on "the last day of the world" dec 21 2012 if i would be interested  because we started joking about missing the vegas specials.   then by march 2nd he showed up with a ring i had no clue he had  for a while.  

 now i will admit that the wedding bands we picked out  were very pricey we had them ordered but then canceled when we won a bridal sweepstakes for free wedding bands so we plan on getting the bands we wanted on our one year anniversary instead.  this allows us to to put that 1k or so elsewhere in the wedding budget so we can have a few nicer options.  or just to over all save some cash.  which is good too.  so  placeholder rings are not a bad idea when you are in a financial bind or want to save up for something that your really want.  but they should not make your hand bleed he should have had the decency to buy something that was better quality. you can get nice rings from family owned jewelers like  ashcroft&oak  or from over stocks at flea markets for anywhere from 50-100 bucks.   i told my fiance he could give me a cracker jack box kind of ring and he wouldn't do it.  like other posters aside from the ring this just gives off red flags=(