Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Are you NOT changing your last name??

So I've known for years before I met fiance that I would not change my last name, and he's 100% ok with this (hence why he's the one), but I never thought about how I would address that to everyone else.  I haven't announced it, but when peopel ask I tell them.  But I'm not sure how this should be handled.  If you are keeping your name, how are you handling this?  Also, if you got some nasty feedback about this, how did you respond?  I've gotten a little bit of nasty feedback from people who think they have a say in this (why do they think that??)!
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Re: Are you NOT changing your last name??

  • I didn't change my name when I married the first time in 1985, and I didn't do it two years ago either.  It's no one's business, unless it IS business.  You don't have to "re-introduce" yourself to your friends, so there's no need to bring it up.  If they ask, and then give you a hard time, I have the perfect line:  "well, of COURSE we're NOT going to share the same last name.  We're not brother and sister, are we?"  

    Truthfully, the only people who have an issue with it is those who don't have their own identities, and their own sense of self.  Or they're men with an issue about their own masculinity.

    I have a career, I'm known in professional circles.  I was the first female president of my professional society, and I'm published.  To change my name would have been, truthfully, stupid.  Not that you really owe these idiots an explanation, but you could always use the career thing as an excuse.  Or that you actually LIKE your name.  People are incredible, aren't they? 

    Really, it's never been a problem for me having my own last name (DH considered changing his to mine for a variety of reasons, but then decided against it.)  The only issue I ever had was waaaaaaay back in 1985, in the backwards state of Colorado, they wanted to see my marriage certificate before I could put my husband's name on the electric bill.  I asked them if they asked that of the women with the same name putting their husband's name on the bill, and they said no.  So, it's ok for a random woman to call and claim to be  Mrs. so and so and put her husband's name on the bill, and she could be lying about the marriage, but I couldn't? WTF?     
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  • Yeah, we have some of the same issues.  For me, it's for several reasons.  I like my last name (it shows my Italian heritage, which I'm proud of) and I really disagree with the historical reasons why women began doing this in the first place.  I'm also a published career woman and prefer to keep my professional identity that others know me by.

    Some people have said to me "wow, that's stupid". Seriously?!?!  I didn't tell you that any of your life decisions were stupid! 

    Some people have told me that I might have a hard time cashing wedding checks made out to "Mrs. His Name", but I figure that in those cases, he can cash them.

    Thanks for the support! 
  • I'm not and have gotten some VERY rude comments from "friends".  It's been such a big issue that I'm not sure that a few people are even my friends anymore.
    My fiance isn't thrilled, but it's not his decision to make.
    I really like the comeback above in regards to not being brother and sister, think I'll use it next time the topic comes up.
    Interesting I've gotten the most positive responses from older people who have been married from 30-50years.  Many of those woman I speak to say they wish they had the choice back in those days to keep their name. I get the same response from divorced women who say it's a big pain when the husband is no longer a husband.
  • I'm not -- so far, no rude comments.  Though it's not going to surprise anyone who knows me, at least not on my side.  I think the only person who asked was the minister, and she and her husband both hyphenated, so it was clearly just a question, not a judgement. 

    Honestly, if any of the inlaws give me guff, they ARE getting Feminism 101 lectures.  I don't criticize people who do change their names, because that would be starting the rudeness, but if they start it, I'm finishing it.  (Also, they do like to argue politics.  An intelligent, slightly-bitchy argument might actually be appreciated and listened to.) 
  • Obviously it happens, but I can't imagine anyone judging someone nowadays for not taking their husband's last name.  I'm not and FI is fine with it (which was a little surprising), I think it just works best for us.
  • wow i'm suprised people would get rude comments for not changing their name. i don't know if in canada it's more common because most recently married ladies i know have not changed their name and it's completely normal. people may ask if you'll change your name but if you say no it's no big deal. i'm not changing my name and haven't had anyone say anything negative to me. i'm not changing my name because i like the way my name sounds and it's part of my asian heritage.
  • I have a different perspective on this. I am changing my last name to my fiance's and I've gotten some rude comments from people about it. I did consider keeping mine, but realized that for me personally, I wanted to take his.

    I believe it is a personal decision that everyone makes on their own for their own reasons. It seems to me that people have many different questions, comments, and opinions on this topic. Be proud and don't feel bad when people question you. It's your choice!
  • I decided not to change mine and I haven't gotten any rude comments, but most people ask why I'm not changing it.  At the reception we made sure the DJ knew not to refer to us as Mr. & Mrs. His Last Name.  Also, we got return address labels for the thank you notes that have both of our first and last names.  Most people probably won't look at them, but for those that do they will see my name has not changed.  And of course if someone calls me by his last name we tell them that I did not change my name.
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  • My mother, FI, and two closest friends have asked me about it and none of them have a problem with me not changing my name. In fact, my friends are happy I'm not. My BFF likes that my name is alliterative, lol!

    I'll address the thank you notes as from "Meredith Lastname and Oliver Lastname" (on the return address), not announce that we're Mr. and Mrs. (because we're technically not) and just sign everything as from Meredith Lastname. If someone asks or messes it up, I'll let them know as it comes up.
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  • We recently got married and are doing the full ceremony on our 1 yr official anniversary. When I met my husband, I had been divorced after 16 years and had taken my maiden name back when I found out his mistress whom he had moved in with had started using his name, before either of them had even filed for divorce. It was fine with me, it was liberating to take my name back. I had wanted to do so for personal reasons long before there was trouble in the marriage, but my former husband had been so angry about me approaching the subject that I dropped it. Fast foward 15 years ago when I met my now husband, I told him early on I had no intention of ever changing my name again and he agreed with me. He saw no reason to do so. So I have not even bothered to do so now and don't intend to. Most people are not surprised when I tell them that I am not changing it. Some like to tease me and call me Mrs. S as a joke, but overall, no one has given me any nonsense. One person thinks I will change my mind but it's highly unlikely I'd be inclined to do so, especially with all the new rules in affect for name changes. It makes much more sense to me not to change it.
  • I believe that this is a personal choice and I can see good arguments for both sides.  I am in a technical field and have actually gotten a lot of grief because I am going to change my last name.  I haven't been published yet, so I'm not worried about losing traceability and for me it just felt like the right choice to change it. 
  • I'm getting grief for changing my name because I've been working (and publishing) under my maiden name.  I figure that after 30-50 years, people will forget that I started my career with this one name and ended it (hopefully) with another.

    I think it's silly for anyone to judge your name decision.  Just because they have ideas of what is right for them does not give them permission to decide what's right for you.  You're the one who has the burden of your name, the one who will write it and hear it the most often.  Only you can decide how you want your name to look and sound.
  • I am not changing (and FI is totally on board with it).  I haven't started telling anyone that yet, as we're waiting to finish paying for the ring before we make the official engagement announcement.  I don't know one of my friends in my peer group who didn't change her name (or at least hyphenate), so I am a little worried about how that will go.  I would hope that the people who love me will understand, or at least pretend to, lol.  The other thing I am worried about is that we have several older family friends who love to give monogrammed items as wedding gifts.  I don't want them to go to the bother of having things monogrammed incorrectly if they assume I will be taking his name, so I know I need to communicate with them about it.  I just don't know how to do it appropriately and kindly, especially not assuming I will be getting a gift from them, you know?
  • I actually haven't decided whether to not change my name or hyphenate.  My family and his parents know, they are totally on board, as is my FI.  When I brought it up to FI, in an all serious manner thinking it may be a sore spot (this is before we were engaged), he laughed at my seriousness.  He said our names didn't matter, WE would know we were a unit.
    So when I've told people from my conservative hometown about the lack of total namechange they are kinda shocked.  A lot of times, rather than engage in longwinded debates that I know they aren't really paying attention to, I simply say it's because I've spen too long perfecting my current signature and don't have the time or patience to start perfecting a new one.
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  • Cat24Cat24 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_not-changing-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ea0a5a21-7997-48e2-83d7-268ba83085fcPost:b4afbc44-b1de-4ac7-94de-05a4c8de6b49">Re: Are you NOT changing your last name??</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow i'm suprised people would get rude comments for not changing their name. i don't know if in canada it's more common because most recently married ladies i know have not changed their name and it's completely normal. people may ask if you'll change your name but if you say no it's no big deal. i'm not changing my name and haven't had anyone say anything negative to me. i'm not changing my name because i like the way my name sounds and it's part of my asian heritage.
    Posted by unplainjane[/QUOTE]

    I think it's different in Canada because most women who "change" their last name only assume the new name, not legally change it which it seems most of the US gals have to choose to do or not. When I take FIs last name I can change my IDs and how I sign for things but my citizenship documents keep my maiden name.  So it's less of a legal/political issue to do it here as opposed to in the states.

    To be honest I got rather confused when I saw posts about girls usuing their maiden names as middle names and couldn't figure out why someone would do that, but it just as confusing if you live in Quebec, Canada as there women legally have to keep their own names....so I guess it's just a cultural thing that is changing. FI was actually surprised I wanted to take his last name but to be honest I never thought of keeping my own last name unless I didn't marry, not because I don't love it or identify with it, that's just how I wanted it.
  • JKVozzaJKVozza member
    First Comment
    edited June 2010
    I really, really do not like my maiden name. So I will be taken my fiancée's last name! Its beautiful and very unique. I can't wait; I talk about 'stealing' it all the time. I think every reason for and against changing your name are legit. If people cause a stink, just ingore it and I think they might be jealous of your marriage and/or life. 
  • I'm changing mine and people keep commenting on it.  I don't have a career yet (i'm finishing school) and I don't see why anyone else would care, but they do.  
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  • I'm not changing my name.  Never occurred to me to do so.  He's not changing his either, although lots of couples in our circle change both of their names to a new combo name.  I don't think you need to announce it but if you had a wedsite, and you want to have a page called 'fun facts' or 'random notes' or something like that, you could include it!
    You could also include it in your newspaper wedding announcement, if you're doing that.  Something it says something like, 'Vivica A. Bride, who is keeping her name, attended....'   But I agree with posters who say you do not remotely have to announce that your name is still your name.

    As for the nosy nellies offering their opinions when they should keep their archaic thoughts on naming to themselves, perhaps a sweet as poison, 'thanks SO MUCH for your opinion - it's certainly FAAAAAAAASCINATING to hear...'
    :)
  • I am changing my last name.  My entire life no one has been able to pronounce or spell it which has confused me because it's not really a difficult last name.  Also I absolutely love my fiance's last name it's really different. 
    I still don't see why anyone should get upset over someone not changing their name though.  There are plenty of great reasons not to.  One of my friends didn't want to change hers (she's in the medical field), but eventually wound up with a hyphen.  She still only writes her maiden on everything.  I also know people who don't want to change theirs because they are the last ones in their family to carry on the name.
  • I love this board. Next time someone gives me grief, I'm going to re-read this thread.
  • Oh my people are wonderful at injecting themselves into your personal life choices aren't they? I'm changing my name, but wanted to finish college with my maiden name so I waited a little and I've gotten some grief about it.

    On the cashing checks issue- I worked at a bank and ran into this all the time, it was no problem at all. At my bank all you had to do was endorse the back of the check first with the name written on the front, and then underneath that endorse it with your actual name listed on the account. Check with your bank and ask how you should handle it, it shouldn't be an issue.
  • I am married using my maiden name. However, I sometimes get mail addresses to Mr and Mrs Husband'slast name. And that's okay with me, especially when it's an invitation to  family reunion for his family, his work event, etc. Sometimes I am Mrs Him.  I don't let that bother me, and he TRIES not to let it bother him when he is addressed with my last name.
    I told relatives and friends that I needed my name for my professional identity, and they were fine with that.

  • Oh I DID have our DJ say, "Oh, Meredith FI'slastname. Hmm." Um, awkward. I didn't say anything, but I guess I'll eventually have to mention to NOT announce us as Mr. and Mrs. FI'slastname.
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  • I can totally sympathize with people making weird comments about this- it's totally annoying.  FI says I can do whatever I want, because it doesn't matter, the end result is that we're going to be together.

    I'm changing my name because I have no real attachment to my last name, it's never been all that meaningful to me.  However, I have gotten some surprised comments that I'm not following FI's family tradition of getting rid of my middle name and taking MY last name as my middle name.  No one's been purposefully rude, but in their surprise, some of the comments have come across as such.  I'm much more attached to my middle name, so I'm going with the traditional version- keeping my first and middle name, and taking his last.

    GL!
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  • Not changing my name either. Why should I have to take on his identity just because I'm getting married. I have my own identity thank you very much.

    Most people are not rude to me about it... though they def question it. One frequent question is: What will you name your kids? Whose name will they have? Luckily for me, we have decided not to have children. But I'm very curious - what are you ladies doing for your children? My sister did not take her H last name, but she named her kids with his last name... I would not be happy with this either if I was going to have kids. But the whole hyphenated thing gets a big tedious...
  • I'm not changing my name..I will be assuming his last name tho! I will still sign for my credit cards with his last name, cards will have his last name...etc.....
  • I didn't change my name and no one really cared. Honestly, people have bigger things to worry about than your last name.

    I did receive a letter to "Monsieur et Madame John Doe" which was a bit... old fashioned, lol.
  • I am not changing my name when I get married in January. Nor do I feel the need to explain myself about this decision anymore, but when my aunt (and I'm not sure why it has been such an issue with her) kept pushing about it, I referred her to this article on Indiebride that I absolutely love:  http://indiebride.com/essays/stallings/index.html

    All of the quotes from the women keeping their names resonate wonderfully. 
    Hope you guys enjoy!
  • i don't see why people get so involved with other people's names.  when my friends get married, i ask them if they are going to, but only so i know how to address their cards.  i understand people's various reasons for not wanting to change their last name and i understand people's various reasons for wanting to change it.  my problem comes when either side of the issue criticizes the other.  which surprisingly, i've seen more women who didn't change their last names criticize the ones who do.

    that being said, whatever your plans are, let people know so they know how to address you. but other than that, you shouldn't have to explain the reasoning behind your decision because it is just that...YOUR decision.
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