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Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party

I have a good friend who is pretty upset I haven't asked her to be a bridesmaid. We are good friends but not as close as others and I unfortuantly had to make the cut somewhere. Ever since I got engaged she has tried talked to me way more than usual and asks me almost daily how the planning is going and if I need any help....this makes me feel even more guilty about the fact I'm not asking her to be a bridesmaid. My other friends that are bridesmaid's have told me that she has asked them who my bridesmaid's are--they have just replied with that they don't know--and has made comments that she better be one. Do you have any suggestions for a "role" I can have her play in my wedding?? We are still in the process of planning with our Pastor so I don't know if there will be a reading I can give her, so do you have any other ideas?? I don't want to just come out and tell her she's not until I have another role I can ask her to fill.

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Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party

  • Reader or soloist are about the only other honored roles you could ask her to play.  Some services - such as a full Catholic wedding mass - include other roles such as participating in the presentation of the communion gifts.  Could you ask your Pastor to walk you through what your ceremony looks like and note if there are roles others will need to fill?  You may need to be prepared though, that she'll see any other role besides bridesmaid as consolation and say no.

    Otherwise, being a guest is an honor.  You shouldn't say anything to her about not being a bridesmaid, but she also shouldn't say anything to you.  If she were to ask you why she isn't a bridesmaid, you can always tell her that you unfortunately were not able to ask everyone you would have liked and you look forward to celebrating with her. 
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  • Do you have a good reason why she was not asked to be a bridesmaid? Other than the fact that you wanted equal sides?

    In my experience, looking back, there are 1 or 2 more people I would have asked to be bridesmaids. I kind of regret that I didn't ask them.

    It seems like she is being a good friend who truly cares about you...it's up to you if you want to run with that, or let it fizzle out.

    If you really don't want her as a bridesmaid...being a guest will be more than fine.
  • Reader, soloist, usher.. that's pretty much it. 

    If you feel bad about not asking her because she's a good friend and you wish you could have her up there next to you, then go ahead and ask her - what's one more BP gift and two more butts at the RD in the long run, right?  But if you feel bad about not asking her just because of how interested she now seems and how you suspect it will make her feel, don't buckle.  Your BP should be your nearest and dearest, not who guilted you into it.
  • She is one of those girls whose significant other completely takes over her life...we don't hold it against her, we just know how she is. The only time she makes an effort to hang out with any of us is when her boyfriend is out of town for the night, already has other plans, etc. Being a bridesmad is a big responsibility and huge time commitment and I can see her not wanting to be gone for all the dress fittings, days planning, etc. If it was a different situation as was there as much as other friends I'm sure I would have made a bigger effort to expand the bridal party.

    Has anyone ever heard of having a "planning assistant" or something to that effect?
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    She is one of those girls whose significant other completely takes over her life...we don't hold it against her, we just know how she is. The only time she makes an effort to hang out with any of us is when her boyfriend is out of town for the night, already has other plans, etc. Being a bridesmad is a big responsibility and huge time commitment and I can see her not wanting to be gone for all the dress fittings, days planning, etc. If it was a different situation as was there as much as other friends I'm sure I would have made a bigger effort to expand the bridal party. Has anyone ever heard of having a "planning assistant" or something to that effect?
    Posted by rel1988
    No, being a BM is not a huge responsibility or time commitment.  The only think a BM has to do is buy the dress, show up to your wedding sober and looking pretty, and smile for pictures.  That. Is. It.  Anything else is completely up to them.  They can help you out if they want but they certainly aren't required and it certainly should not be a deciding factor when picking your BMs.

    And please do not make up silly titles for people that you don't want in your bridal party but feel bad about not including.  And if you think she won't have the time to commit to being a BM why do you think she will have the time to commit to being a "planning assistant" 

    Either ask her to be a BM and realize that she will most likely not help you out with planning or just invite her to be a guest.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago
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    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : No, being a BM is not a huge responsibility or time commitment.  The only think a BM has to do is buy the dress, show up to your wedding sober and looking pretty, and smile for pictures.  That. Is. It.  Anything else is completely up to them.  They can help you out if they want but they certainly aren't required and it certainly should not be a deciding factor when picking your BMs. And please do not make up silly titles for people that you don't want in your bridal party but feel bad about not including.  And if you think she won't have the time to commit to being a BM why do you think she will have the time to commit to being a "planning assistant"  Either ask her to be a BM and realize that she will most likely not help you out with planning or just invite her to be a guest.
    Posted by Maggie0829
    Ditto to all of this. PLEASE dont make her a personal attendant either. its not an honor.

     

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  • In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : No, being a BM is not a huge responsibility or time commitment.  The only think a BM has to do is buy the dress, show up to your wedding sober and looking pretty, and smile for pictures.  That. Is. It.  Anything else is completely up to them.  They can help you out if they want but they certainly aren't required and it certainly should not be a deciding factor when picking your BMs. And please do not make up silly titles for people that you don't want in your bridal party but feel bad about not including.  And if you think she won't have the time to commit to being a BM why do you think she will have the time to commit to being a "planning assistant"  Either ask her to be a BM and realize that she will most likely not help you out with planning or just invite her to be a guest.
    Posted by Maggie0829
    Agree with this.  It's great if she, or any other member of your bridal party, volunteers to help with your wedding planning but it's not required.
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  • I too had a friend who was upset that she was not a part of my bridal party. Although I did ask her to be a reader, she felt because I was in her bridal party, she should have been in mind. It did cause an awkwardness between us and although we are still good friends, I feel like things are not quite the same.
    Looking back, I do regret not having her in the bridal party because she is a good friend of mine. I think if this person means a lot to you, you should ask them to be in your BP. It's not worth losing a friend over.
    Otherwise, as already mentioned, reader, soloist and usher is all that's left.
  • Kerry1707Kerry1707
    First Comment First Anniversary
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    edited January 2013
    I'm going through the same problem right now, and I think I might ask my friend to be in charge of the guestbook - I really want a special memorable guestbook, not just a collection of "Congratulations!" She's really crafty and creative so I think she'll appreciate the task, and that I'm using her talents to still be an important part of the day.  I also have three sisters, so I explained that I don't want a huge wedding party, and she seems to understand.  Good luck!



    In Response to Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    I have a good friend who is pretty upset I haven't asked her to be a bridesmaid. We are good friends but not as close as others and I unfortuantly had to make the cut somewhere. Ever since I got engaged she has tried talked to me way more than usual and asks me almost daily how the planning is going and if I need any help....this makes me feel even more guilty about the fact I'm not asking her to be a bridesmaid. My other friends that are bridesmaid's have told me that she has asked them who my bridesmaid's are--they have just replied with that they don't know--and has made comments that she better be one. Do you have any suggestions for a "role" I can have her play in my wedding?? We are still in the process of planning with our Pastor so I don't know if there will be a reading I can give her, so do you have any other ideas?? I don't want to just come out and tell her she's not until I have another role I can ask her to fill.
    Posted by rel1988
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!)
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    Oh boy, please don't exclude her because you want even sides or because she won't be there at a moments notice.  All she has to do is show up on the day of your wedding wearing the dress....there is no other time commitment required.

    Oh, and personal assistant sounds like a fancy term for slave.  Please don't give this role to her or anyone else.
  • In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    I'm going through the same problem right now, and I think I might ask my friend to be in charge of the guestbook - I really want a special memorable guestbook, not just a collection of "Congratulations!" She's really crafty and creative so I think she'll appreciate the task, and that I'm using her talents to still be an important part of the day.  I also have three sisters, so I explained that I don't want a huge wedding party, and she seems to understand.  Good luck! In Response to Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party :
    Posted by Kerry1707
    Oh please don't do that either. How would you like to be invited to a wedding but instead of getting to laugh, eat, and drink with everyone during the cocktail hour, you get to stand next to a book to tell people to be more creative than writing "congrats"? I would hate it...just let her be a guest and enjoy the day.
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  • FWIW, none of my bridesmaids helped me with one single solitary aspect of wedding planning, nor would I have ever asked them to.

    Either this is a good enough friend to stand by your side on your wedding day, or she's not.

    Guestbook or personal attendant are not honors. Hire a wedding planner if you need assistance.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : Oh please don't do that either. How would you like to be invited to a wedding but instead of getting to laugh, eat, and drink with everyone during the cocktail hour, you get to stand next to a book to tell people to be more creative than writing "congrats"? I would hate it...just let her be a guest and enjoy the day.
    Posted by vonclancy
    I am going to have to agree with this as well.  You (or your friend) can't force your guests to write a paragraph of wonderful things about marriage and you and your FI. 

    Now, I do think it is ok to ask if your friend would help put together a cute and crafty guestbook or to help think of an alternative besides a book.  You can ask, but if she says no, do not be upset with her.  I am a crafty person and my friend who I am a BM for in her upcoming wedding asked if I could paint "Thank you" and "M & J" onto a bat and a baseball for her wedding to be used in some pictures.  I told her no problem but she said that if something comes up and I can't do it then she completely understands.

    I think it is ok to ask for help with small things that you know your friends are interested in but don't make them work at your wedding.  That isn't fun.
  • In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : I am going to have to agree with this as well.  You (or your friend) can't force your guests to write a paragraph of wonderful things about marriage and you and your FI.  Now, I do think it is ok to ask if your friend would help put together a cute and crafty guestbook or to help think of an alternative besides a book.  You can ask, but if she says no, do not be upset with her.  I am a crafty person and my friend who I am a BM for in her upcoming wedding asked if I could paint "Thank you" and "M & J" onto a bat and a baseball for her wedding to be used in some pictures.  I told her no problem but she said that if something comes up and I can't do it then she completely understands. I think it is ok to ask for help with small things that you know your friends are interested in but don't make them work at your wedding.  That isn't fun.
    Posted by Maggie0829
    Oh good call. I may have misread that. Yes, asking someone for help if they're crafty is ok, as long as you're ok with them saying no and don't try to put too much on them. One of my BMs asked if she could make me bride and groom signs for the back of my chair and asked what I liked. I sent her a picture of something I thought was really cute. I haven't heard about it since. If she shows up with them, awesome. If not, who cares. It was sweet of her to offer.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : Oh good call. I may have misread that. Yes, asking someone for help if they're crafty is ok, as long as you're ok with them saying no and don't try to put too much on them. One of my BMs asked if she could make me bride and groom signs for the back of my chair and asked what I liked. I sent her a picture of something I thought was really cute. I haven't heard about it since. If she shows up with them, awesome. If not, who cares. It was sweet of her to offer.
    Posted by vonclancy
    I don't think you fully did because it seems like the poster would also want her friend to watch over the guestbook at the wedding to make sure the guests were writing more then "congrats" as well as her friend helping to create a neat guestbook.

    Edit:  Correct me if I am wrong Kerry.
  • In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : No, being a BM is not a huge responsibility or time commitment.  The only think a BM has to do is buy the dress, show up to your wedding sober and looking pretty, and smile for pictures.  That. Is. It.  Anything else is completely up to them.  They can help you out if they want but they certainly aren't required and it certainly should not be a deciding factor when picking your BMs. And please do not make up silly titles for people that you don't want in your bridal party but feel bad about not including.  And if you think she won't have the time to commit to being a BM why do you think she will have the time to commit to being a "planning assistant"  Either ask her to be a BM and realize that she will most likely not help you out with planning or just invite her to be a guest.
    Posted by Maggie0829
    Thanks for the advice! I have heard of Personal Attendants and Planning Assistants and just didn't know the general view on them. As far as time to commit, I guess you are right. I was just refering to the fact that we live out in the country so even going to look for their dresses is going to be a day affair, just because we have to travel a couple hours to get to a decent store. I was only a bridesmaid once, and she expected me to come over and help her address/put together invites, favors, centerpieces, etc and I HATED it so no I would never expect that time committment from anyone!
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : Thanks for the advice! I have heard of Personal Attendants and Planning Assistants and just didn't know the general view on them. As far as time to commit, I guess you are right. I was just refering to the fact that we live out in the country so even going to look for their dresses is going to be a day affair, just because we have to travel a couple hours to get to a decent store. I was only a bridesmaid once, and she expected me to come over and help her address/put together invites, favors, centerpieces, etc and I HATED it so no I would never expect that time committment from anyone!
    Posted by rel1988
    Well she has a choice as to whether she wants to go and look for dresses with the rest of you or not.  If she doesn't go then, IMO, she can't really complain all that much if you pick a dress that she doesn't really like.  If you give her the option to go and she declines she kind of declines a say in the final dress.  The only thing that you would need to make sure of is that it falls within her budget.

    Atleast you already know how she is in regards to flakeiness so her not wanting to do anything won't come as a surprise.

    Best of luck!
  • I have a friend of mine that is acting this same way. Dont worry about how she feels... care about how you feel. If you want her to be a maid, let her. If you dont, then ask her to be a reader/house party (thats what we do here in the south) ...invite her to the rehersal etc. 
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    I'm going through the same problem right now, and I think I might ask my friend to be in charge of the guestbook - I really want a special memorable guestbook, not just a collection of "Congratulations!" She's really crafty and creative so I think she'll appreciate the task, and that I'm using her talents to still be an important part of the day.  I also have three sisters, so I explained that I don't want a huge wedding party, and she seems to understand.  Good luck! In Response to Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party :
    Posted by Kerry1707
    This is NOT an honor. It is a crap job. And your friends can't force people to think up creative ways  to sign your guest book.

    Dont your remember that episode of sex and the city where Miranda got stuck with the guest book. Everyone knows what to do with a guest book.

     

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  • courtski2004courtski2004
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    I have a friend of mine that is acting this same way. Dont worry about how she feels... care about how you feel. If you want her to be a maid, let her. If you dont, then ask her to be a reader/house party (thats what we do here in the south) ...invite her to the rehersal etc. 
    Posted by dkleinen
    Um, what? Friends don't really treat other friends this way. Just because you're a bride doesn't give you permission to become so self centered that you dismiss how your actions affect others.
  • In Response to Re:Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:I have a friend of mine that is acting this same way. Dont worry about how she feels... care about how you feel. If you want her to be a maid, let her. If you dont, then ask her to be a reader/house party thats what we do here in the south ...invite her to the rehersal etc.nbsp;Posted by dkleinenUm, what? Friends don't really treat other friends this way. Just because you're a bride doesn't give you permission to become so self centered that you dismiss how your actions affect others. Posted by courtski2004
    For real. I cannot believe how some women think a engagement ring is a free pass to act like a total diiiick to your nearest and dearest. Klassy.
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  • In Response to Re:Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re:Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party: For real. I cannot believe how some women think a engagement ring is a free pass to act like a total diiiick to your nearest and dearest. Klassy.
    Posted by LiLe422
    On the other hand, when did it become okay to emotionally blackmail someone into asking you to be in their bridal party by suddenly checking in with them every day and telling mutual friends that they "better be a bridesmaid?"

    I have a friend that is trying to do this too and while she is a sweet girl and a good friend, no.  I chose my bridal party (as did OP) already.  I'm sorry her feelings are hurt but she can put all the pressure she wants on me through her comments to mutual friends, I'm not asking her to be in the bridal party. 

    Where I think OP is going wrong is trying to come up with some other role for her.  Don't do it.  Invite her to the wedding.  Celebrate with her.  Don't make up something as a consolation prize.
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  • I also had a friend who was upset that I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, so I definitely understand the guilt associated with that. She has been distant to me lately, and I'm pretty sure that's the reason why. Even though I feel bad, I know I made the decision for the right reason: I picked those closest to me and who I wanted beside me on the big day. I don't think asking her to do another job is the answer. I think this may just seem like a "consolation prize" for not being asked to be a bridesmaid.

    That being said, if the only reason you're not including her as a BM is because she spends too much time with her boyfriend, I would maybe reconsider. Her only responsibility as a BM is to buy her dress and show up the day of the wedding. Let her make the choice as to whether she feels she can handle that by choosing to accept or decline the offer. However, if you don't want her in it because you're not as close to her, she's not a good friend, etc, that's a different story. In that case, ask who you'd like and leave it at that. No need to give her another job.

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  • I had a friend who gave an indication she was bummed that she wasn't in the WP.  I had an honest conversation with her, that I chose the people in my WP who I have a very close relationship with.  And while I loved her, I hadn't spent that much time with her and I don't talk to her on a regular basis, and I hardly ever hear from her unless I was the one reaching out to her.  Her feelers were hurt at first, but it also changed her interaction with me going forward.  She started making more of an effort to be a closer friend.  Friendships require some level of maintenance.  Even if it's just simple calls or texts or "hey, lets go get a pizza and catch up".  

    Being invited to the wedding is an honor.  Don't create a made up role for someone because they are feeling crappy that they weren't invited to be in the WP.  If you want her in the WP, ask her. Otherwise, just tell her the truth.   You just aren't that close.
  • In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    I also had a friend who was upset that I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid, so I definitely understand the guilt associated with that. She has been distant to me lately, and I'm pretty sure that's the reason why. Even though I feel bad, I know I made the decision for the right reason: I picked those closest to me and who I wanted beside me on the big day. I don't think asking her to do another job is the answer. I think this may just seem like a "consolation prize" for not being asked to be a bridesmaid. That being said, if the only reason you're not including her as a BM is because she spends too much time with her boyfriend, I would maybe reconsider. Her only responsibility as a BM is to buy her dress and show up the day of the wedding. Let her make the choice as to whether she feels she can handle that by choosing to accept or decline the offer. However, if you don't want her in it because you're not as close to her, she's not a good friend, etc, that's a different story. In that case, ask who you'd like and leave it at that. No need to give her another job.
    Posted by CallaLily25
    Yes that is exactly it..we aren't very close. She isn't close to anyone in our group of friends really because like I said, she only makes an effort when it's convienent for her. I was talking to my other bridesmaid/mutual friends about it and they were completely blunt and honest about the fact they won't choose her to be a BM for their wedding either...and this is coming from girls who have known her way longer than I--over 15 years. They both think the reason she is acting like this now is because she realizes how little effort she does put into all her friendships but it isn't my responsibility to make up for that now. I do want to invite her to the shower, bachelorette party and all the other fun stuff.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party:
    In Response to Re: Friend is NOT happy she didn't make the bridal party : Yes that is exactly it..we aren't very close. She isn't close to anyone in our group of friends really because like I said, she only makes an effort when it's convienent for her. I was talking to my other bridesmaid/mutual friends about it and they were completely blunt and honest about the fact they won't choose her to be a BM for their wedding either...and this is coming from girls who have known her way longer than I--over 15 years. They both think the reason she is acting like this now is because she realizes how little effort she does put into all her friendships but it isn't my responsibility to make up for that now. I do want to invite her to the shower, bachelorette party and all the other fun stuff.
    Posted by rel1988
    Well since you aren't close to her then don't ask her to be in the BM.  Just invite her to be a guest at the wedding.  No more, no less.  Will she be upset?  Maybe, but she will have to get over it.  It isn't like you are kicking her to the curb and not including her at all, especially since you want her to be at your pre-wedding parties as well.
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