Am I being unreasonable?

EngagedGirl2009

I'm having a problem with one of my bridesmaids and I need some help:I've asked my friend to be a bridesmaid and she agreed. The problem is she wants to bring her boyfriend to the wedding, which is fine with me, but she's making all these demands. He lives out of state and is flying in for the wedding. At first she told me she would have to miss the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner to go pick him up at the airport. I was nice but told her that I really need her at both. She's a bridesmaid it's her job.So now he's coming in the day before the rehearsal. But now I've got a problem because all my bridesmaids are coming over to my house the morning of the wedding, most are spending the night actually, and we're going to get ready together before heading to the ceremony. So now she said that her boyfriend will have to come with her to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner and over to my house while we're getting ready. I would rather her just not invite her boyfriend. I don't want him over at my house while we're getting ready and I want her there. She said that if I didn't want her bf to be at my house than I can invite her parents to the wedding and he can ride to the wedding with them.She doesn't seem to care that it's my day. Am I being a bridezilla about this? Or is she being inconsiderate?

mbcdefg

I think you both need to compromise. She's rude for inviting him along to your home the morning of, but you in turn are rude for not inviting him to the rehearsal dinner in the first place (and it's acceptable for him to sit in on the rehearsal quietly, so he wouldn't be rude to tag along to that). For the morning of, he can hang out at the hotel where he's staying and then drive to the ceremony to meet all of you (I assume he's renting a car? Otherwise, how does he expect to get to the ceremony?). And no, it's not just "your day." Once you decide to involve other people as bridesmaids or guests, then you need to take their needs into consideration with your planning. You can't just expect her to ditch him the whole weekend. He can come to the rehearsal events but not the getting ready events. Simple as that.

sapphirebaby926

you both are being a tad unreasonable.She is allowed to bring a guest unless you told her before hand that she couldn't and you don't get to dictate who that person is. Being at the rehearsal is not required - she can be filled in the morning of - it's really not that hard. Spouses and SO's of the wedding party should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. She should make arrangements for him to be able to get to the ceremony without her - I take it she has a car since she is picking him up from the airport so she should let him take her car to the ceremony site and she can ride with someone else whether it be you or another bridesmaid or whoever.

bablingbrooke

First, you're being unreasonable about the rehearsal/RD.  Yes, it's disappointing that she'd miss it.  But 2/4 BMs missed the RD and only 1 actually came to the rehearsal.  It really didn't make any difference or cause any sort of problem.  They just winged it the day of and it worked out great.Second, saying "it's my day" is never a good argument.  It holds as much water as "because I said so."Third, yes, she's being unreasonable about the guy coming over when you get ready.  I guarantee he doesn't want to be there.  Tell her it's girls only, but suggest things he can do.  For example, my friend's BF went paint balling with my family (whom he'd never met before) on the morning of the wedding while us girls got ready.  But if push comes to shove, just ask her to get ready elsewhere and meet you for photos/ceremony if she really feels she needs to babysit the boyfriend.  One of my BMs did this and, again, it wasn't any sort of problem.Fourth, no take-backs on inviting the boyfriend.Fifth, please read my post below: "I had the world's worst MOH".  I promise you this will all feel very silly to you after the wedding.

jeannigirl

Well it appears that she hasn't really planned this out effectivetly.  She really doesn't need to be at the rehearsal it would be easier to have everyone there. No not a demand that her boyfriend is there at the rehersal and the dinner has it is her date. Either she can get ready morning of at her place or yours but she needs to figure that out, and make arrangements for him to meet her at the Wedding he can drive her car. Not that hard.

tomkat2010

I think she should make an effort to be at the rehearsal, and he should be invited to the RD w/ her. Here's my other thought: Would it really be the end of the world if she DIDN'T get ready at your house, but instead got ready w/ him wherever they're staying? He is from out of town, and maybe he doesn't know anyone else or even know where he's going? Shouldn't they be allowed to get ready wherever they're comfortable, as long as she's there, ready when you are?

stina93446

Ditto pp. Compromise. It just sounds like you're both being demanding of each other. If she can't make it to the RD, so what? How hard is it to walk down an aisle and stand next to you? Yes, she shouldn't have invited him along for getting ready, and it sounds like she is "threatening" to not be in the wedding. Also, it is considered rude to NOT invite him. He should be invited to both the RD and the wedding because they are a couple.

stina93446

Also, I'd let her get ready with him. I recently was in a wedding where my fi flew in to attend with me, and the bride threw a fit when I said that I wasn't spending the night at her house the night before the wedding....are you KIDDING me? You're a grown woman.

banana468

I think you both need to compromise here.She's bringing the BF to the wedding so invite him to the rehearsal and the RD.  If you already agreed to invite him to the wedding, then you really should extend that invitation to him to the RD.  Remember, if they're an established couple, they should be invited as a social unit.On the day of, let her know that you really wanted that to be quiet girl time between you and the rest of your BMs but look into options for him.  Do any of your other BMs have sig others?  What will they be doing? Can he be invited with the group?  If there isn't anything for him to do with guys, are there other options?  I agree that having him there isn't a great idea - it's going to be really boring for him and it's also in the way of you getting dressed.  The other option is to say that while you really would prefer to have her there on the day of getting ready, you understand if due to her BF's attendance and not knowing anyone if she wants to come and just take pictures pre -ceremony.Remember, it's your wedding day but it's a day of your BMs life that she's going to try to arrange to be there for you on your wedding day.  Try to work with each other on this. 

RedSoxGirl10

I agree he should go to the RD. However I think it's totally ridiculous that all of a sudden when weddings start people forget that people can entertain themselves! I cant' believe she would WANT him to come over and get ready with you!!! Can't he just hang out, read a book, watch tv, explore the town by himself? Who cares if he doesn't know anyone? Have people not been by themselves for a day before? Also, I think it would be weird if she skipped getting ready with you to hang out with him which she can do any day. I understand that "it's your day" is a bit much, but it is your wedding day and I don't blame you for wanting your best friends to get ready with you. I am going to a wedding in 2 weeks that I am in, my fiance will hang out all day and meet us at the ceremony- he'll be fine!!! He's a big boy!

JenAE10

I'm going to have to disagree with the pps. You're not being unreasonable at all. It IS your day, and while you shouldn't make insane demands of the people involved, there are clearly some traditions that you would like to take part in, like a rehearsal dinner and getting ready with your bridesmaids. Her bf is a big boy; he can entertain himself for a couple of hours. It might be nice of you to make suggestions of things for him to do while your bridesmaids are with you or help him find a ride to the ceremony if he's not renting a car, but other than that you're not unreasonable to put your foot down about these things. It's very rude of someone to invite their significant other to wedding events unless you specifically say it's okay ahead of time. And frankly, I find it kind of creepy that she wants him to hang out at your house while you're getting ready. What's he going to do? Watch? Or sit in the living room staring at a wall? Good luck with this tough situation!

banana468

It IS your dayJenAE10, it's not just the bride's day.  It's the groom's day and anyone involved's day as well.As stated previously, established couples must be invited to the RD.  Beyond that, it doesn't really matter what the occasion is.  They key to getting along with friends is not dictatorial behavior. 

lceva

I totally agree with the last two posts, and am surprised how many people feel otherwise. I think it's ridiculous for someone who is a good friend of your to demand things of you. What kind of friend is that?? I assume you are all adults... why does her bf need a babysitter? It sounds like she care more about her bf's feelings than your own on YOUR wedding day. Ridiculous. hands down. Friends don't act like that. That being said, having him at the RD, etc isn't that big a deal; but the night before/morning of?? Absolutely not cool. Don't settle for this kind of crap just to avoid making anyone feel bad. Your friend should not have agreed to be a BM if she wasn't committed to making your day as smooth as possible. That, to me, is what BMs are for -- being there for the bride. It seems that she isn't really caring about being there, and is more concerned about her bf's whereabouts. My MOH is married, one of my BMs is engaged, and some others have bfs. None of them expect that their sig-others will be attached to their hip. They WANT to be with me on my day; we are all excited about it. I mean, they spend all their time with their sig-others usually anyway. What is one day to think about their friend? If you are uncomfortable with it, don't settle. You will regret deciding to just "deal." However, only you can know what you are comfortable with... go with your gut. :)Good Luck!!

KRHagen

I agree with  JenAE10. It is your day but you need to be considerate to everyone involved. I by no means read you post like you were upset about him being at the rehearsal and dinner (I could be wrong) just him being at your house when you are getting ready. I think what people lose track of is that you ask people to be in your wedding party because they are your closest friends and as your closest friends it hurts when they choose to make things more difficult or aren’t there for the important events. I think we all have a vision of how everything is supposed to be and when people start messing with that, it’s upsetting. I would be upset too but I guess I would just tell her that you would prefer him not to be there but if that’s not an option you will meet her at the wedding. It will suck and I know I would be bitter about it but what can you do really? It’s her choice and I would hope that she would choose to be there with you because she is such a close and dear friend. I know that if I was in any of my friends’ weddings I would be the first person to try to make things easier, more enjoyable and less stressful for them, not the opposite.

blenderdance

I pretty much agree with most other posts...you need to compromise...I think he should be invited to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and I think, while it would be nice if she wanted to spend the night before with you, it isn't a battle I would pick to fight.  As for getting ready with you, I would see if there was a way your could work it out with her.  I was a BM in a friend's wedding recently and had to get there at 10am for the 3:30pm wedding to get ready.  FI came up with me so we would only have one car...and he just found ways to occupy himself--he CERTAINLY didn't want to hang out with a bunch of BMs...although he did graciously go and pick up lunch for us so we wouldn't have to leave.  Maybe he could borrow her car and go off on his own while you guys get ready?

shanmarie4082

There is no need for him to come to your house the morning of the wedding. She obviously has a car if she is going to pick him up at the airport...he can drive that to and from the ceremony/reception.  As a BM, it is her job to be there with you on the morning of your wedding (support you, tell you that you look gorgeous, etc.).  There is no need to invite her parents either.  He can find his own transportation.  It is not your job to ensure that every guest has transportation, even if their significant others are in the bridal party.  That is a ridiculous request and you should not give in.  You are not being a bridezilla either.  You are just doing what should be done on YOUR DAY!

shanmarie4082

Also, I disagree with some of the PP that she does not have any "jobs" other than standing up there with you.  I, as does TheKnot and many other bridal how-to books and sites, believe that a BM's job is to do more than just watch you get married from the first row.  The BMs are supposed to throw you a shower, help with the planning, and generally not make trouble.  They are supposed to understand that this day is about the bride and groom and it is their job to make sure that the day runs smoothly for them.  I did this for my sister when she got married and I know she will be doing the same for me....If people don't want any responsibility but to come to a wedding, then they should decline being in the bridal party and just stick to being a guest.

mbcdefg

You DO realize that the Knot and all these bridal magazines/books/websites are primarily out to make a buck, right? Not make sure that your friends still like you once the wedding's over? So that is why they tell you that BMs are supposed to throw you a shower ... because they want the BMs to run out and spend their money on favors and decorations and food, and pump even more money into a multi-billion dollar wedding industry. Come on. Why would a website that makes it profits off of telling people that they "need" all this garbage for their weddings tell you, "Your BMs shouldn't need to do anything for you." That's shooting themselves in the foot. They want MONEY.

EngagedGirl2009

Thanks for all your feedback everyone. I don't mind him coming to the rehearsal dinner so much, it's just that she had told she would spend all day Friday with me doing stuff for the wedding, helping with favors, etc, and now she's told me that she needs to spend the time with him, and she can't help me. I guess why I'm so upset is that she's more concerned with hanging out with him than doing anything to help me. She's calling me tonight with her plans so I'll let everyone know what happens.

raechik33

I think some of you guys are jumping to conclusions here.  She never said that she didn't want the BF at the rehearsal or the RD.  She just said that she didn't want him at her house while she was getting ready.  Read carefully  

banana468

I would rather her just not invite her boyfriendPP, this is what leads to comments about including sig others. 

mizu22

I understand your issues with it all, but if she's his ride he has to be where she is. Unless you talk to someone else and have them take on the responsibility of him getting to the church (which is a good option), you will have to put up with her requests. Simply because, how else wlll he get there?

mbcdefg

I think some of you guys are jumping to conclusions here. She never said that she didn't want the BF at the rehearsal or the RD. She just said that she didn't want him at her house while she was getting ready. Read carefully Rae, I think the confusion may be stemming from this statement (I'll speak for myself, anyway): So now she said that her boyfriend will have to come with her to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner and over to my house while we're getting ready. (which seems, to me anyway, to imply that EngagedGirl is not happy with any of these options - if that's not what she means then I apologize for misinterpreting)

shanmarie4082

Well, I never said that it was a BMs duty to come over to the bride's house, do her hair and nails, etc.  I simply said that it is a BMs duty to "attend to the bride".  Look up the definition of bridesmaid.  That's what it means.  I would never expect a single one of my BMs to do any of that for me.  However, I do request that my BMs be a part of my wedding in general.  They have all helped me to plan and thrown around different ideas for the wedding with me.  Each one of them helped to decide which dress they wanted to wear.  I actually had no choice in the matter and was perfectly ok with that.  My wedding is not just a reflection of my FI and I, but one that my BMs have helped to ensure.  I do not expect a single one of them to throw me a shower or bachelorette party.  Should they do so, I will be forever grateful and appreciative.  I threw one for my sister when she got married because I love her and felt it was the JOB of the MOH to do so.  If BM feel it is too much of an expense, then they should not agree to be in a BP.Retread...I also do not like your post that I may not be a good friend based on the fact that I "expect" certain things from BMs.  Do you know me? Did I miss something? Have you ever met me? No.  So I don't appreciate you making assumptions about my friendships.  The women I chose to be BMs were chosen because I love them and wouldn't want anyone else standing up there with me and because couldn't picture not having them up there with me.  I feel that some of the poster need to get off of their soap boxes about the "wedding industry".  Are you not getting married? Did you not purchase a dress, flowers, etc.?  Whether you are having a $1,000 wedding or a $100,000 wedding, all that money is going to the same place.  

carolinus

I just had one of my bridesmaids throw an absolute fit when I told her she couldn't bring her boyfriend that she has known for THREE WEEKS! My fiance and I made a rule that guests could only bring dates if they were married or living together. She didn't think that would apply to her, but I think it should. The wedding is in a month, who knows if her guy of three weeks will even be around by then?You're not being inconsiderate. I want those "just us girls" moments too.

aecave

I don't think you're being a bridezilla at all! I think my biggest thing would be that it would hurt my feelings. You only get married once and only have one chance to make these memories of all the girls being together and getting ready and she shouldn't prioritize a long-distance boyfriend over that. I think that yes, he can come to the rehearsal dinner but why would he even WANT to come watch all the girls get ready? Any guy I know would feel really out of place at something like that.

mbcdefg

I simply said that it is a BMs duty to "attend to the bride". Seriously, shanmarie? When in regular life would you get away with saying to anyone, much less a friend, that it's their "duty to attend to you?" Never, right? Your wedding is no exception. A bride is not so special where it gives her the right to expect people to attend to her. Wow. I would think a LOT less of a friend if she ever said that to me.

shanmarie4082

Retread: That's YOUR definition of bridesmaid.  Don't mix the two up.  You can look up the word bridesmaid in a thousand places and it says that a bridesmaid is an attendant to the bride both on the day of her wedding and beforehand, should it be needed.  Meaning, a bridesmaid is someone who attends the bride.  It is perfectly fine if you chose not to employ your BMs knowledge and opinions and help for your wedding day.  But that doesn't mean that other people shouldn't be able to do that.  "The practice is actually rooted in medieval superstition. Friends and family members accompanied the bride to her wedding, dressed like the bride in fact, in order to confuse evil spirits as to who the bride was so that the wedding could not be cursed".  And going on what you stated above, asking someone to help you with some wedding plans isn't really that big a deal, is it?  Sounds a little more dangerous to ward off evil spirits, no?

shanmarie4082

mbcdefg:If you read the whole thing, you would have noticed that I was talking about the definition of bridesmaid.  You can look it up anywhere.  Its even in the Miriam-Webster Dictionary. I was simply stating the definition of bridesmaid as many believe it to be.  Just because some choose not to request help while wedding planning once in a while, doesn't mean that no one can.  Its fine for you if you want to do it all by yourself and stress out, but I'm lucky enough to have a sister and friends who are willing, and more than happy, to help me when things are getting a little stressful.  I have NEVER said that my BM had to do anything for me.  They choose to help me.  I don't sit at home and make phone calls to them telling them what to do.  I get phone calls from my FRIENDS asking me what they can do to help me.  I am not going to stop them from helping if they want to.

banana468

Shanmarie, the issue is that it should never be a requirement of any friend to do those things.The title of bridesmaid is an honorary role.  Your friends should be there to do things because they want to but not becuase you require them to be there - and certainly not because you read that they're supposed to do things on a list somewhere on some website.  Each and every situation is different and every bridesmaid is different.One thing that doesn't go out of style is courtesy to your friends and understanding that just like you want your friends to be there for you, you need to be there for them.   That does mean that you (this is a general you and not directed to you Shan) need to understand that sometimes logistics can be a pain and require some understanding of the situation.

shanmarie4082

Banana:I agree that a BM should not be required to do anything.  No one should ever be forced to do anything.  However, I also think that when people agree to be a BM, they should understand that there are certain things they will have to do.  Not just standing up in front of a church-full of guests.  I am by no means saying that all the BMs need to be at the beck-and-call of the bride (like on Bridezillas, bc that is just insanity), but requesting things like having the morning of the wedding be private with just the BMs, and once in a while helping the bride to plan or put invitations together, orlisten to the bride vent about an uncooperative vendor, are things that a BM should expect to have to deal with.  In every wedding I've been a part of, there has been more to do than just buy a dress and stand next to the bride in church.