Out of touch BM- WWYD?

amy41710

When I first became engaged in April 2008, I was still in touch with one of my best friends from high school. As a result, I mentioned that I would like her to be a bridesmaid, and she was surprised but excited. Since that time, we have not spoken a word (aside from some VERY infrequent facebook comments,) and it has been over a year! We are not in touch at all anymore. It's not that we dislike each other, it's just that life has taken us in different directions and we are not close at all anymore. So what do I do? She doesn't know anything about my wedding, or life for that matter, and has not made any indication that she is interested in either. I would like to invite her as a guest rather than have her as a bridesmaid, but I know it is poor manners to do such a thing once you have made someone part of the wedding party. I am just confused about what to do right now. Having her stand up with me as a bridesmaid would practically be like standing next to a stranger on my wedding day. Help! What would you do in this situation?

Leah&Christian09

It sucks, but that's what happens when you ask too early.  You're right, it would be a huge slight to ask her to step down, and would end whatever sort of friendship you still have, and probably create a bunch of drama.Do you want to be close to her again?  I would just go along.  I think that in her situation, most girls would just remove themselves.

mbcdefg

Realize that a two-year engagement is a really long time to people who aren't the ones getting married. So just because she hasn't shown much interest in your wedding 7+ months ahead of time doesn't necessarily mean that she's not supportive of your wedding. Have you tried to call her or see her in person? Remember that friendship is a two-way street. I live less than a mile from my closest friend, and we only see each other and talk every two or three weeks. That's just the kind of friendship we have. We're busy - we have jobs, she's got grad school, we each have other friends - stuff happens. Some people don't speak for months or years, but pick up right where they left off when they DO catch up. Try to get back in touch with her. You're at the point now where you can bring up bridesmaid dresses with her, so first touch base and see how things are going with her (don't bring up the wedding first). If that works, then bring up dress shopping. If she's not interested in being a BM anymore, then she'll likely tell you at that point. You're correct that it's poor manners to kick her out of the wedding when she's done nothing wrong. I would not go that route unless you are 100% O.K. with possibly ending the friendship. But since you said you would welcome her as a guest, I'm guessing you don't want to do that. Plus, frankly, I don't see why she'd be not good enough to be a BM but could be a guest ... she'd wear a special dress, get ready with you beforehand and stand next to you at the altar, but for the rest of the day she'd essentially be a guest anyway.

jeannigirl

Well have you made any attempt to keep in contact with her? Try making that contact with her you once were close. I know life gets busy and time gets away from people. So touch base with her find out whats been going on with her these days. I do that with friends and they will call me to touch base and see whats been going on in my world.

bablingbrooke

These things happen, which is why you don't ask people 2 years out. Have you even attempted to see her or talk to her?

amy41710

I wasn't aware that it was such a horrible idea to ask someone to be a bridesmaid so far in advance. Lesson learned, I suppose. It is nearly impossible for me to contact her. She travels a lot, and has spent the majority of her time overseas. She will be in Ghana, Africa until December. I am not upset with her or anything like that, I just don't know where to go from here. I would be more than happy to have her as a bridesmaid if that is what she wants. It is simply the total lack of communication over the past year that has me worrying. I am not sure if she wants to or is even capable of fulfilling the duties of a bridesmaid. I should find out how to contact her. Thanks for the advice ladies. Hopefully things will work out for the best, whatever the best may be.

mbcdefg

Sounds like she's just busy. I'm sure she cares about you and supports your marriage, but she's traveling. My sister travels a lot (just in the U.S., but still) and we don't talk very often. I am not sure if she wants to or is even capable of fulfilling the duties of a bridesmaid.Bridesmaids' "duties" are to get the dress and stand up during the ceremony and be in the formal photos. That is all they're required to do. If they want to do more (throw parties, help you plan, whatever), they will volunteer for it because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to. A friend is not a bad bridesmaid just because she's not available to help out. If she gets the right dress and makes it to the wedding on time, then she's fulfilled her duties as a bridesmaid.

[Deleted User]

Ok I live in England and I FB and email my BM a few times per week or sometimes less. We have lives, I'm 5 hours a head it's difficult. It's all good. She is in Ghana, I'm not sure, but I bet their internet is not the best. I would also guess she is busy working and exploring a cool place. I think you should write HER and ask her about what she is up to. I'm sure it's very exciting. I think she is excited for you and your wedding, but two years is a long time to keep the excitement level as high as it seems you need. Beside the fact that she is having a very exciting adventure herself. My advice is chill. Then ask to see pictures when she returns:-)

amy41710

I think some ladies are misunderstanding what I am trying to say. I don't mean that she would be a bad bridesmaid, or is even a bad friend. I am saying that we seem to have each gone separate ways in our lives, as people often do, and I am feeling confused about the situation. When we were in touch still I could feel us begin to drift apart, but now we don't talk at all. The only reason I even know she will be in Ghana until December is because a mutual friend told me. It is not that I want her peeing with excitement over the wedding itself, it is that I want to make sure that the person standing up at my wedding is a person whom is my friend. I just don't feel like that is the case right now. I have initiated contact in the past, but grew tired of being the only one to do so. The last time we had contact, I texted her and said we should get together. She said, "sure, i'll let you know when is good" and never said a word after that. I don't need her to be excited about flowers, gowns, or favors; I need her to show interest in maintaining our friendship. It is a difficult situation that is hard to get across on the internet. The dynamic of our friendship has always been complicated, which is why I am concerned right now. Thanks again for the input, ladies. I'm sure I will figure something out.

bablingbrooke

It does sound like you guys are drifting apart and that you've really tried to stay in touch but she's not very good at keeping in touch. Yes, she's in Ghana, but some of my DH's family live in Nigeria and a good friend of mine just spent a few months in Rwanda, and I"m amazed at how often they were able to keep in touch online at the very least, though it's certainly harder than if she was in Europe or North America. Both countries also have pretty decent cell coverage (can't speak for Ghana of course). So I'm a little less inclined to say that she doesn't have the opportunity to keep in touch. I think it's totally fair to ask her whether she really wants to be in it. I would ordinarily say not to do that in the interest of saving the friendship, but it doesn't sound like you have much of a friendship left to save.

mbcdefg

Then I think it depends on whether you're O.k. with possibly ending the friendship. Like babbling said, I think it's fair to ask her whether or not she still wants to be in the wedding. Just be aware that she might take it the wrong way (that you vehemently want her out), and drama could arise from that. But then again, maybe she'll be relieved at the "out" you're giving her.