Staying in touch and on topic... a plea

ilovecheesepie

So I am in a bit of a pickle with my BMs and MOH. My MOH is actually my best friend from high school who set me up with my fiance- he's a guy and he lives in Boston. My problem here stems from the fact that He's in Boston and I'm from Seattle. I'm a full time college student and he is a full time employee. I can never get a hold of him when I'm trying to plan things out. One of my BM is living with me however, and I have quite a similar problem. Every time I mention things I'd like to do at my wedding, she launches into how hers is going to be. She has a lot of hers planned out and I have nothing because we never end up talking about my wedding. The catch here- she's not even engaged and my wedding is in 9.5 mo. Her boyfriend will not propose to her for a few years but helps her plan to humor her. When I do say, "let's sit down and I need help hashing something out" she agrees but her boyfriend often needs a ride over to our apartment. This even stepped into the weekend when I invited her downtown with me to finalize colors and establish dresses for her and my other BM because she has to take him to a different part of town for class. My mom also tends to avoid questions and instead suggest I get married in Hawaii or in a Vegas shotgun wedding.Is this normal? Has anyone successfully been able to say "Hey! I'm getting married! Let's focus on me!" without being completely bridezilla-esque?

Simply Fated

This looks to me to be a common case of the "no one is as excited as you are" blues.Basically, it's your wedding and although I'm sure your friends and mother and everyone are happy for you... they are just not as into as you are.Is there a chance you have been talking about it too much to them? I think that might be the case if even your mother is telling you to just go and elope.As for your friend, let her daydream away... obviously she is just not into helping you with your planning and that's ok. She doesn't have to be. This is your wedding... so you need to be able to take care of this stuff. Do you and your boyfriend have e-mail? Just send him an e-mail every week or so with all the info he needs to know. Tell him if he has any complaints, comments or suggestions, just e-mail them back or call you. It sounds like he's busy and just might not be into planning this thing, either. So let him chime in when he wants to and if he objects to anything you do, remind him that you sent him an e-mail and he should have spoken up when he had the chance. Just my suggestion.

banana468

Totally agree.  I think this is a case of people not wanting to plan your wedding as much as YOU want to do so.So just back off a bit.  The BM is "needing" to be engaged and that won't be any help.  So instead, pull the details together and every now and then when you have something settled, shoot your FI an email.You also have a lot of time before the BM end of things needs to be set.  Just relax!

bablingbrooke

Ditto that you have the "why isn't anyone excited for me?" blues. Since you're wedding is almost 10 months away, it's totally understandable that people aren't excited YET. If it wasn't your wedding, let's face it, you'd be focusing more on the things happening to YOU in the next 10 months, not on your friend's wedding. Your BMs and MOH are not wedding planners or wedding cheerleaders. Especially your BM--how would you feel if you had a BF who wouldn't propose, and deep down you knew he never would but you choose to keep believing it, and there your best friend goes again talking about the wedding she gets to have? I'm not condoning bitterness, but it is understandable. If it helps, one of my friends (whose boyfriend refuses to propose after 6 years but she's somehow deluded herself into thinking she's getting married in July) ALWAYS brought up "her wedding" whenever I mentioned mine (which at the time was less than 3 months away). It was annoying, yet I also figured that she was upset that she wasn't planning a wedding and was doing it to make herself feel better. Sounds like your BM is in the same shoes. I also wouldn't take what your mom said as any sort of insult but rather advice. When we got close to the wedding, FI and I wished we had eloped to Vegas or Hawaii more than once. A big wedding can be a big hassle! From your POV: "I"m getting MARRIED in LESS THAN A YEAR...why isn't anyone excited for me?" From their POV: "She's not getting married for ALMOST A WHOLE YEAR...what is there to get excited about yet?" Frankly, this far out, there isn't that much to do or be excited about. For anyone. When I was 10 months out from my wedding, I was definitely focused on more pertinent things in my life. So were my friends and family. But once we got to around the 3 month mark, everyone started getting excited about it, talking about it, planning things. Wedding planning may take a year, but do not mistake it for a year-long event. I recommend joining your local or club board here--it's full of ladies who can't wait to hear every detail of your wedding planning and who will be excited for you. But it's not a crime to expect people to be falling over themselves with excitement yet, and frankly it's not realistic for them to do so.

bablingbrooke

*DH, not FI. We already got married

mbcdefg

Most people who I've talked to my wedding about, even the ones who ask me how things are going (because I try not to bring it up) usually wind up launching into a list of their own ideas that they think I should try. Or talk about how their own wedding was, or how their future wedding (even if they're single) is going to be. Or talk about how we should save our money and skip something we really want to do, or how black isn't a good color for BM dresses, or how Metallica isn't appropriate for a first dance song. *shrug*Try not to worry about it. Talk about the little details with Knotties, because people on the boards will usually want to hear about your ideas. I've never really seen someone try to talk a bride out of an idea on here, unless the idea is genuinely a bad one (not really any of the "You're going with THOSE flowers?" comments like you might get from a relative). If you have ideas that you want to run by your friends, try to keep them short and sweet and focus on one thing at a time. A two-minute discussion about colors might go over well, but if you go into 20 minutes of what kind of napkins you're planning on I think you're going to lose people's attention.

megk8oz

I actually was a BM in a wedding that took place roughly 4 months after I got engaged (And bought my first home w/ FI). I loved my friend to death, and I was happy for her. I attended all of her pre-wedding stuff, like the shower and Bach party, but aside from that and like voiceing opinions on the BM dress (budget and stuff), I really didn't get involved with her stuff. She'd show me things, yes, but she actually picked things w/her mom and FI, and it was more like a "Look what I got" than a "What do you think?". And I have been operating my own wedding this way: FI and I plan, the WP really doesn't have much to do aside from getting attire. But I'm not going to lie, up until, oh, about a week before her wedding (When I had to be at stuff like hair and nail appointments, etc), I really didn't "care" about it. I was happy for my friend, but I had way bigger things on my own plate.

CTGirl30

Your wedding party isn't really there to plan (or throw parties for that matter) - they were asked by you because you love them and want them to share in the wedding day by having a place of honor within the wedding party.  The task of planning a wedding are the bride & groom's responsibility so I'd focus more on that stuff with your FI and also by chatting on  your local and date boards with other brides who are in the same boat and have weddings on the brain. I really try not to talk much about my wedding with my friends and bridal party but discuss the stuff that would bore my WP to death (flower colors, dress details, etc) with my date board on here. Honestly, we keep our conversations to mainly friend-stuff and not really wedding-stuff. They ask occasionally and I update them briefly then. But it's not the main topic of conversation 95% of the time and I'm not relying on them to plan anything for me. That's my job and FI's job - we are the ones who decided to have a wedding. ;-)You're still 9.5 months out. Dresses, etc, can actually wait until closer to 5-6 months away...your friends are probably like, "She's still got almost a year to go! What couyld possibly have to happen NOW?"  I understand you're excited (hell, we all are / were for our weddings) but your friends might not be quite so excited since it's not their wedding. Does that make sense? Ha, I think your mom is on to something. Eloping in Hawaii or Vegas might have been much easier now that I'm this far into my own wedding planning. Haha. Some people just aren't into the whole "Let's talk weddings!!!" thing. Some people are way more into it...like us Knotties. LOL. So come here and chat away.

Liz4444

i know i'm going to repeat what the other girls are saying, but this bears repeating.  when it comes to things like going downtown to finalize your colors or picking out your flowers... there is no reason for you MOH, BM, or whoever to be there.  this is your wedding, these decisions should be made by you and your fiance!no one needs to be with you other than your fiance and possibly your parents when you are planning things.  your MOH just needs to know where to be and when on the day of your wedding.  my MOH lives 11 blocks from me, other than going with me to pick out her dress do you know how many appointments she's been to with me... zero.  maybe your mom thinks you are too stressed and that's why she is saying what she is saying.  where is your fiance during all of this?  he's the one that should be with you.  talk to him, he's getting married too and he should be focusing on everything with you.  just let everyone else know details when it's pertinent to them or when they ask. my FH has friends whose wives want to know every little detail about the wedding, so i tell them and discuss with them... why?  because they asked!  if they don't ask, i don't mention wedding!

trix1223

ditto the other wise ladies. You expectations for your WP are unrealistic. They are not there to help you plan or execute your wedding. That's yours and your FIs job perhaps with help from your mom. Your Man of Honor could live next door to you, and it still wouldn't be his "job" to help. You'll feel SO much better if you stop looking at lists of "duties" for attendants (like the dopey one on The Knot). Lower your expectations to this: members of your WP have to wear the outfit, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during your ceremony, and smile for the pictures. That's it. (Although I will add, in deferece to my buddy Stage: they should also show up clean and sober. ) When you come to realize that's all they need to do, you'll feel much, much better.

jeannigirl

I personally do not feel like the hey look at me I'm getting married and I want your undivided attention for the time frame that we've announced our engagement up to the time we say I do. I do understand the excitment that you feel has we all feel the same and we want our family/friends to feel the same. Reality is their not going to. Has the other girls have said that the planning and implentating this wedding is you and FI's alone

ilovecheesepie

Thank you everyone for the insight- I really understand the time-line thing now. I guess I was just feeling the crunch- a lot of my friends who are already married were telling me to start early and I was reading 1-1.5 years in advance so I just got right on the ball. I guess I didn't make it really clear that I also try not to talk to anyone about my wedding unless asked. The mentioning was due to a question and the fact that my BM was making me watch Say Yes to the Dress. I will be sticking to advice from other knotties and my FI. YAY!

Liz4444

LOVE say yes to the dress!  fiance watches it with me!  and since i got my dress at kleinfeld's, my mother has been watching it obsessively too!  it's so funny to go in there and see all the other brides and their families go crazy over Randy!

Simply Fated

that show is really addicting, lol