how do you tactfully fire the best man?

tmauris0615

my fiance is in a predicament. his best man's behavior is questionable lately and he's worried that he won't fill his role as best man in the end. if he has to he's decided on talking to him and seeing what's going on, but if things don't change, my fiance doesn't want him to be included in the wedding party, but he still wants him there as a guest. how should he tactfully do this?

bablingbrooke

1.  There is no way to do that without ending the friendship.  Maybe with guys it's different but I have yet to hear of someone being fired ("tactfully" or otherwise) from the WP who kept up the friendship with the bride or groom.

2.  Your FI is a big boy and should do this by himself.  So you need to gracefully step out of this and let them work this out themselves.

mbcdefg

"Fill his role"? What do you and your FI think he needs to do? He needs to get his suit/tux, show up to the wedding and maybe hang onto the rings and sign the license (and even then, you can ask someone else to step up and do those things if this dude can somehow not do it). If he's taken care of the outfit and showing up on time, then he's filled his role.

No, there's no tactful way to say to someone, "You didn't do exactly what I wanted so you're out of the wedding party, but you can still come as a guest!" This guy will more than likely tell you both to buzz off and then never speak to you again.

What's he done that's so awful? He's either good enough to be in the wedding in the role you originally asked him to play ... or he's a rotten person who doesn't deserve to be there at all in any capacity, guest or best man (and in that case, your FI is saying that he's done with the friendship). There's no in-between here.

Pink7781

Please read some of the other posts here before asking questions like this.

The answer is quite simple.

You. Can't.

Of course if you FH doesn't care about maintaining this friendship then kick the BM to the curb. There's also no role for him to fill other than renting a tux, suit, etc. and standing up there the day of.

banana468

He can't do this without ending the friendship.

What is the BM doing?

aerinpegadrak

The best man in our wedding didn't talk to FI for four months.  Didn't return calls, texts, emails, Facebook messages, nothing.  We were working under the assumption that he'd removed himself from the wedding. 

Nope, he was just crazy busy and kept forgetting.  They've talked several times over the past week or so, everything's cool now.  I'm glad FI listened to my advice not to do anything rash or confrontational, because it would have made things a million times worse.

I did post here fretting about the problem, but I understood that there was nothing for me to do but fret.  It was a problem between FI and his BM, and they resolved it like big boys.

MyNameIsNot

Call a spade a spade.  He wants to kick him out.  There's no nice or tactful way to do something so nasty.

trix1223

Short answer?  You don't tactfully fire anyone from anything ever.  And BTW:  BM isn't a job, so he really can't be "fired".  What he can be is kicked to the curb by his former best bud.

jeannigirl

Great answers ladies. If we keep posting responses like this maybe people will read them and quit asking the same question over and over. This is so redundant.

How many times is there to say no you can't fire your WP. MOH/BM BM/GM. Its not a job its an honor. Thats why you need to wait until at least 6 months before your wedding date to ask anyone.

megk8oz

To answer based on the title: You don't.

tmauris0615

wow, you ladies are actually quite mean.

bablingbrooke

Not mean, just trying to stop you from making a mistake.  And this pales in comparison to what your friends and family will say behind yours and FI's back if you do "tactfully" fire the BM.

aerinpegadrak

No one said anything mean, and insulting the people who took the time to answer your question is a good way to ensure that they don't do so in the future.

jeannigirl

You call us mean and you come on here wanting to know how to fire a BM because he has questionable behavior. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.

banana468

No one here has said anything mean.  You've asked a question that can't be answered.

jeannigirl

It actually can be answered she just doesn't like the answer. Validation is what she was seeking and she didn't get it here so she calls us mean.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I still want to know what duties the BM won't be able to fulfill.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_tactfully-fire-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17b50e7e-67e5-4713-98a5-3ed892816588Post:ae0439ee-6fce-4273-b383-48e50abfcfaf">how do you tactfully fire the best man?</a>:
[QUOTE]my fiance is in a predicament. his best man's behavior is questionable lately and he's worried that he won't fill his role as best man in the end. if he has to he's decided on talking to him and seeing what's going on, but if things don't change, my fiance doesn't want him to be included in the wedding party, but he still wants him there as a guest. how should he tactfully do this?
Posted by tmauris0615[/QUOTE]

JIC

Tammy,
no one was "mean" to you here.  There's a huge difference between not getting validation for your idea and someone being mean.

Actually,we're really here doing you a huge favor.  We're keeping you from making a huge faux pas and having people make snarky remarks behind your back.  Because they will.

Your title asked about tactfully firing someone.  And everyone here, EVERYONE, told you that you can't tactfully fire someone.  You're new to the boards, so here's another piece of advice for you.

Find a local board.  They're much more puppies and rainbows and validation.  They're also typically much less honest than these national boards.

You asked for advice and you got it. 

jeannigirl

NO she really wants us to tell her how to fire her FI's BM TACTFULLY! Theres no tact in kicking someone from your WP to the curb, oh sorry but we don't want you to be part of your WP because you have questionable behavior or your not compiling to what you should be doing has a BM. You can come and be our guest and by the way don't forget to bring our present.

tmauris0615

Okay, this is Tammy's "FH" or whatever. Let me be quite honest. Tammy was asking a simple question, and most of the responders treated her like she was an idiot. That WAS kind of mean. A forum such as this is supposed to support each other, not treat them like they are inferior. Now, to address the issue at hand. My Best Man has been my friend for over 12 years. He has been through EVERYTHING with me. The problem is, as of late, he has been getting into drugs and ditching out on responsibilities. Now, I know that the best man does not have a huge list of responsibilities, but the main one, i.e. showing up, is something I am worrying about. When I approached him about being by best man, things were quite different. I do not want to ruin a friendship, but I also do not want to ruin my sweetheart's special day. So the reason she posted this was to get some friendly advice on how to deal with this situation. If the answer to this situation is, "kick him to the curb", then thank you all for the advice, but that is not an option. So, good luck everyone. I hope your special days are perfect.
~Roy

jeannigirl

First of all we would never tell a bride or groom to "Kick their MOH/BM/to the curb"

We all say the opposite not to fire your WP has that is a friendship ending move.

 Sorry to hear that your friend is experiencing with drugs. This really isn't about WP responsibilities than it is a friendship thing. I would be concerned has well and would address your concerns to him about what choices he is making. It sounds like you need to just put aside this thought for now and just be a friend and help him through this. GL

Viczaesar

"If the answer to this situation is, "kick him to the curb", then thank you all for the advice, but that is not an option. So, good luck everyone. I hope your special days are perfect."

No snark intended, honestly, but did you actually read the other posts?  Not a single person here has said that you should just kick him to the curb - in fact, everyone has said the exact opposite.

Mrs.B6302007

Your friend needs support right now with some serious issues that have nothing to do with your wedding.   Don't change any of your current plans; if he shows, great.  If he doesn't, you get married without him.

JIC
[QUOTE]Okay, this is Tammy's "FH" or whatever. Let me be quite honest. Tammy was asking a simple question, and most of the responders treated her like she was an idiot. That WAS kind of mean. A forum such as this is supposed to support each other, not treat them like they are inferior. Now, to address the issue at hand. My Best Man has been my friend for over 12 years. He has been through EVERYTHING with me. The problem is, as of late, he has been getting into drugs and ditching out on responsibilities. Now, I know that the best man does not have a huge list of responsibilities, but the main one, i.e. showing up, is something I am worrying about. When I approached him about being by best man, things were quite different. I do not want to ruin a friendship, but I also do not want to ruin my sweetheart's special day. So the reason she posted this was to get some friendly advice on how to deal with this situation. If the answer to this situation is, "kick him to the curb", then thank you all for the advice, but that is not an option. So, good luck everyone. I hope your special days are perfect.
~Roy [/QUOTE]

banana468

We ARE supporting your future wife.  That there isn't a way to tell you how to kick out the best man doesn't mean that we're not supporting her.

The only thing you can possibly do is say, "Dude, are you still into this?  Can I trust you to be there?"

But you can't kick someone out of the wedding without it ending the friendship.  If you're ready to end the friendship then go for it.  If you're not, then it's not appropriate.

(and no, you can't promote someone into the place of BM should you actually kick him out).

It sounds like you need to focus on being a good friend to this guy.

Pink7781

This is so ridiculous. No one and I mean no one was mean. A question was asked and it was answered simply and bluntly. There is no way to kick someone out of you bridal party without ruining the friendship.

Secondly, had you actually read the messages or your fiancee's post, she was the one asking how to tactfully fire somone from your wedding. So technically, you should be thanking us that we told her she can't do that. She was asking for advice on what you said you don't want to do.

Thirdly, had she taken 2 seconds to read a few previous posts, she would have gotten the answer and not have thought we were being "mean".

mbcdefg

*snort*

"Roy," I think you and Tammy both need to grow a set.

ohwhynot

Does anyone really buy for one second that "Roy" wasn't really the OP?  What man gets on here and says something like "I thought this forum was for support!"  That's just way too girly a thing to say - sorry OP, not buying it.  And "sweetheart," you can still have your special day - even if the best man didn't show up, won't just marrying your fi make it a special day? 

And finally:  learn to READ.  NOT ONE person said anything approaching "Kick him to the curb" - everyone said the exact opposite. 

gottahavashorti

If anyone had been mean, banana would have given them a warning and/or deleted the post.

You cannot fire the best man.  Firing him is what would "kick him to the curb" and end the friendship.  That is not the advice you will get on this board unless he has done something major to harm or insult one of you, or to specifically and intentionally ruin your relationship.

If he does not purchase his attire or show up on the day of the wedding, it will not ruin the wedding for either of you unless you intend for it to do so.  You'll just be down a best man and if he is listed in the program, people will assume that he was unable to make it for some reason or another.  A GM can sign the marriage license, the MOH can walk down the aisle alone.  It's no big deal.

jeannigirl

I know my man would not be getting on here in my defense.  (he'd just tell me to not get on here anymore) I just went along with the charade has it is. This is just ridicolous has pink stated. Boo hoo run to daddy boyfriend and cry and say how mean we are here on the wedding board. Lord have mercy!

CTGirl30

Oh boy....

Yes, these boards have Moderators (and Banana has posted on this thread - if anyone was being out of line in their responses, she would have seen to the deletion of the uncalled for response...). However, the people who responded to answer your original question were simply telling you something it seems you didn't want to hear (that no, you cannot "tactfully" fire the Best Man). 

That's not a case of anyone being "mean" - it's honest to God good advice.

Now that we know the situation - that FI's friend is having drug issues, I think you guys need to set the WP worries aside and Fi should really focus on his friendship with this guy. Obvs he's having issues - the support of a friend should be priority #1 here.   Friends first, WP members second. Try to remember that.

If you're worried that he won't be able to hold on to the rings on the wedding day, have the officiant hold them. All the BM has to do is stand there next to FI in the determined attire and be sober. If he shows up not sober, he has officially removed himself from the wedding party as he won't be participating in your ceremony high / drunk / whatever and that is of his own doing. But it's very likely to cause the friendship irreperable harm to kick him out of the WP.

MyNameIsNot

If I cried to my DH that the internet was being mean to me, well, his response wouldn't be to come "defend" me and scold a bunch of strangers.  I'd probably lose any respect he has for me, and I'd deserve it. 

OP, no one was mean to you.  Rather than spending your time trying to pretend to be your FI, you'd be better off spending that time looking in the mirror and figuring out what's going on in your life that you would think it was ok to treat anyone the way you were considering.