Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Selection Dilemma

Hi everyone!  This is my first post in here after getting engaged on December 20, 2012 :) 

So we are obviously very early in the planning process, but I'm already having a bridesmaid dilemma.  I always knew of 7 girls that I would ask to be in my wedding party (3 lifelong friends, 4 from college; I am an only child).  My fiance has 2 sisters who I am not very close with (though I wish I were!), and I asked him in the beginning if he wanted them to be in the wedding and he said no. So I went ahead and asked 5 of the 7 to be bridesmaids (one the MOH; one also might be a matron of honor because my fiance is having co-best men, but I haven't decided yet).  Before I could ask the other 2, my fiance decided that we probably should ask his sisters since one of them mentioned that she would like to be in it.  I wanted to ask them all along, but since he said no, I didn't.  We have now decided to ask his 2 sisters, which is fine by me :)  But here comes the problem...what do I do about the other 2 close friends who I was planning to ask?  My fiance has 9 groomsmen he could ask to even it up, but I worry that 9 is way too many.  We plan to have about 150 guests at the wedding, including the bridal party.  Everywhere I look and everyone I talk to says there is no set number, and that we should do what we want, but I worry that 9 will be too much.  I think that I would feel bad not having those 2 girls in my wedding because we have been so close for so long, but I just don't know what to do.

Any advice that any of you have would be appreciated!  Thank you!!  Smile

Re: Bridesmaid Selection Dilemma

  • First things first -- you're doing this way too soon.  You don't need to pick the wedding party anytime soon so I'd hold up from making any decisions.  Friendships/relationships change and you don't know where you'll be in 6 months when you should be deciding on your wedding party.  I, personally, feel that 9 is way too many for a wedding of only 150.  (I'm having 200 with 4 bridesmaids/MOH and I'm also an only child).  Can his sisters possibly take on another role?  You've only been engaged for 9 days (congrats!) so hold off and wait it out a while to see if things come naturally.
  • I second Edie. Your sides do not have to match up. If they are his sisters and he wants them to be a part of it, then he could always have them stand on his side. There are no rules to which gender can stand on which side, how many people on each side, and whether or you need even sides.

    That's the beauty of planning on your own- You can do whatever you want.

    I do agree that if you have 9 on each side, that's 20 people up at the altar (including you and FH). That's a LOT of people! Focus more on who you really want rather than trying to make it even.

    Also, you are way ahead of the game...wait on picking your party until you are closer to the wedding.
    Anniversary
  • PS- Congratulations on your engagement!
    Anniversary
  • Wow, you guys are fast at responding! :)  I didn't expect anything this quick.  Thanks for the advice and congratulations!

    Yeah, we sort of got a little ahead of ourselves.  When we were talking to our friends who we knew we wanted in the wedding, and in the excitement with some of them, it just kind of came out.  I have only talked to 5 girls (that I have known for years that I would ask, so I'm not worried there) and he only 4 (same situation).  Once the sister situation came back into play, I realized we had jumped the gun on thinking about this! 

    We thought about giving his sisters another role (doing a reading, guestbook attendants, something) but he, knowing his sisters better than I do, said that they would be better off doing something with a little less responsibility than that. 

    Maybe they could stand on his side...that's an idea I hadn't thought of.

    If we end up doing 7, I think that will be fine.  He has 7 close guy friends he could ask and it would be fine.  I am going to try to just not think about it for a bit and like you said, just let it fall into place.

    Thanks so much for the advice!

  • If you didn't first think of his sisters as being BMs then you shouldn't ask them. If he would like them to be in the wedding then he should ask them to be groomswomen. You need to ask who you want and he the same. If the numbers end up being uneven then they should stay uneven. And like Liatris said, anything other then BM, GW, reader, or guests are just crappy jobs no one should do unless you are paying them. Also I have to say it was pretty rude of his sister to come out and say that she would like to be included because that definitely now puts you and your FI in an uncomfortable position. Especially since it didn't really seem that either of you really wanted to include them in the parties to begin with.

  • Good point about the guestbook attendant thing for his sisters.  Thanks!

    I think we will go ahead and plan on 7 (the 5 I already talked to, and wouldn't have changed anyway, plus his sisters) and then maybe come up with another role for the other 2 down the line.  Any suggestions for what they could do? 

  • I agree that anything beyond being in the WP, reading, or singing is a job and no fun. I was once a cake cutter in a college roommate's wedding. She thought this would make me feel "included." It didn't! In fact, I fretted about whether or not I would cut too big or too small of slices and would much rather have been "just" a guest.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I've never heard of someone being asked to cut the cake!  I always thought the caterers did that.  I can see how that wouldn't be too fun!!

    @Maggie0829 - I thought about his sisters at first, but since he said no and that they probably woudn't want to, I didn't think anymore about it.  It does make things tough, even though I'm fine with having them...it's just that now I probably will have to cut out those other 2 friends (who I haven't asked yet).  @Liatris - yes, the biggest reason I'd be cutting them is because of numbers.  I worry that with 9 costs would get way high, coordination and stuff would be tough, etc.  I am going to take all of this advice and think on it a bit before we make any other decisions :) 

  • You've been engaged a whole 9 days. Take a step back and enjoy. Pick your BP out no earlier than 6-9 months in advance because relationships can change in 2 years. I would know we had a best man that neither of us were talking to at the time of the wedding and haven't heard from since.
     
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  • It sounds like you both want the sisters in the wedding, so I would go ahead and ask them. They are part of your family now.  I think since they already mentioned to him about being in the wedding, that if you just asked them to do a reading or something, they might take that personally. LIke you don't like them enough to have them as bridesmaids or something and feelings might get hurt. Remember, they are family and you will be with them the rest of your life. The other posts are right, friends can come and go and you never know what will happen. It is your wedding, and if you want to have 40 bridesmaids then more power to you! LOL. Ask who you want, and what you should do in your heart and forget about the WP size.  I asked my fiances SIL because he asked me too, even though we are not that close. I had no problem with it since she is my family now too.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-selection-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a8d2dac-e65f-4a1a-87db-1a3f0f5dbfe9Post:f2cf5dd3-3307-4327-8831-4c1f99eb37c9">Re: Bridesmaid Selection Dilemma</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good point about the guestbook attendant thing for his sisters.  Thanks! I think we will go ahead and plan on 7 (the 5 I already talked to, and wouldn't have changed anyway, plus his sisters) and then maybe come up with another role for the other 2 down the line.  Any suggestions for what they could do? 
    Posted by soontobemrszito[/QUOTE]

    Ask them to be personal attendants!
  • I haven't come back and looked at this post again until now.  It's been about 2 months since we got engaged, so I've had a lot of time to think about things!  I actually just asked his sisters this evening to be in the wedding, and they both said yes.  I'm very excited to have them involved now, and can't wait for the rest of the plannig.  Thanks for all of the advice, ladies :)
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