You won't believe the response I got...this is a follow up post!

R3dThndr

As a follow up to my post "How Can I Step Down from Being a Bridesmaid"

posted at 5/19/2010 3:08 AM CDT on theknot.com...(I think it's about on page 2 or 3 of the bridal party boards now)

So I followed the good advice from fellow Knotties and my mom and emailed my cousin immediately.  I sent a very clear, diplomatic, and kind email to my cousin explaining exactly why I was not going to be able to be in her wedding.  When I didn't get a response by the end of day 2, I followed up with a phone call.  I then proceeded to get a verbal reprimanding that was not so painful and I understand, but then she asked me not once over the duration of the phone call, but twice, to put off moving to Florida and going to school for a semester just so we can attend her one day event!  It didn't sink in at first because I was still in apology mode, but my entire family just about fell over dumb founded that she would seriously consider and be so self absorbed to ask such a thing.   
As for my fellow Knotties telling me a bridesmaid's duty ends at buying a dress and showing up the day of, please tell my cousin that!  I left this next detail out b/c it wasn't relevant at the time I posted, but she gave me her MOH's cell many months ago and told me that I "need to get a hold of her to begin planning the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette party for her".  I did not once offer to do this as I knew my limit financially. 
Just wanted to share.

emilyinchile

Sadly enough, I've been around this board long enough that I do believe the response you got.

suz62984

Well I would say good riddance but unfortunately you are related to her. Maybe she will wise up.

duckie1905

Yeah, sounds about right for an entitled, selfish bride.  sorry you have to deal with her BS.

trix1223

Well, I think you actually came out ahead here.  You now know exactly where you stand with this self-centered, entitled bridezilla.  Sorry your (former) friend was so crappy to you.

bablingbrooke

Yikes.  Be glad this girl never wants to speak to you again.  Why would you ever want to speak to her again?

vettle

well for someone who has had two groomsmen drop out now I can tell you it's SUPER frustrating and annoying... but at the same time we've just said OK because what can we do about it?  We never asked them to change their school plans or whatever, but I sure felt like telling them how I felt.  She's asking you these irrational things because she really cares about having you there and it probably seems to her like her wedding won't be the same without you.

We're really mad that we have two less people that were supossed to be there for my FH and help, and all at the last minute so I understand how one can get selfish and lose all sense of logic and compassion for anything because at this point in time it's probably the last straw and she's so stressed already.  Put yourself in her shoes and maybe try to have a conversation about things.  I don't know her obviously but she probably doesn't mean to sound like an asshole! Dropping that bomb by email was probably not the best way to do it but it's done now.

vettle

oh and also, why would you think that the end of your bridesmaid duty is after you buy the dress then all you have to do is show up to the wedding?  That's what guests do, not the bridal party.  I havent' demanded my BP to do anything but they have helped make favours and centerpieces and they have gone with me on shopping trips and planned my parties, they call me every couple days to see if there's anything else they can help with and nothing about it is money.

IMO you shouldn't agree to be a bridesmaid if you don't want to be there for the bride and help. Harsh but really...  There is an expectation of this and yes it will cost some money.  We asked my brother to be a groomsmen and he said no because he wouldn't be able to afford it.  It sucks but it's true and we understand that.  rather than him accept and have all this remose over spending and planning with time he doesn't have, he just said no. 

banana468

Vettle, your expectations are out of line.

bablingbrooke

vettle, after reading both your posts, I'm not surprised that WP members are dropping like flies.  

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wont-believe-response-gotthis-follow-up-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:24220442-a0ed-4d95-9b81-7f0fc3af6582Post:8dbee6f8-e3a4-4a2f-bb20-2ebe28ca1fb8">Re: You won't believe the response I got...this is a follow up post!</a>:
[QUOTE]oh and also, why would you think that the end of your bridesmaid duty is after you buy the dress then all you have to do is show up to the wedding?  That's what guests do, not the bridal party.  I havent' demanded my BP to do anything but they have helped make favours and centerpieces and they have gone with me on shopping trips and planned my parties, they call me every couple days to see if there's anything else they can help with and nothing about it is money. IMO you shouldn't agree to be a bridesmaid if you don't want to be there for the bride and help. Harsh but really...  There is an expectation of this and yes it will cost some money.  We asked my brother to be a groomsmen and he said no because he wouldn't be able to afford it.  It sucks but it's true and we understand that.  rather than him accept and have all this remose over spending and planning with time he doesn't have, he just said no. 
Posted by vettle[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Why do you feel that people in the WP should be at beck and call for a Bride? What happens when a close friend or family live hundreds or thousands of miles of way, are you going to exclude them because the can't help you? Yes, there is more cost of being in the WP but maybe if you correspond with people and how much they can spend on something and WORK with them on finding certain attire then it would be as bad. If you really wanted your brother being a groomsmen you would help him out with his attire for the wedding. You shouldn't dictate who is in your wedding party based on who will be your slave, what their finances are, or how far they live. If you truly care about the relationship you have with your close friends and family you would not hold these expectations for them, the WP is about honoring the people that are closest to you. Like the other ladies said, no wonder 2 people have already dropped out for your WP. This should be a wake up call to you.

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crushgirlie

um vettle:

as someone that is a bm for my best friend's wedding I can honestly say that your job as a bridesmaid is to buy the dress and show up. Of course, if she needed me to do other things I would do it but It's not my JOB to help her make anything, buy anything other than what I'm wearing for the wedding and related costs (this is out of state for me so I have to pay for flight and hotel) or to pay for any party she wants to have. This is what's wrong with the bridal industry in general they have made women believe that it's THEIR day and they can ask people to do whatever they want because it's THEIR day. Get over it you should be worried about your MARRIAGE not the WEDDING. It's just one day, but you will be married hopefully for life.

On a side not I'm glad to know that most of the brides on here aren't self consumed morons! It gives me hope for the future.

Oh and that's why I'm eloping to Hawaii!

R3dThndr

Vettle:
Here is my original post as it will give a little more insight to the situation.  Also, I am well aware it is a nice gesture to assist the bride when possible during the planning and that it will cost money to be in the wedding. 

How can I step down from being a bridesmaid? posted at 5/19/2010 3:08 AM CDT on theknot.com

R3dThndr Joined on 04-05-2010 ST. LOUIS 6814061066149426 Total posts: 6 First: 5/19/2010 Last: 6/1/2010

My first cousin is an only child, so she is like a distant sister to me.  I love her dearly and do not want to hurt her feelings but some things have come up that are making me doubt my acceptance of the role. When I said "yes" last summer to the duty and honor of being a bridesmaid in her upcoming September '10 wedding, I did not know I was going to endure a divorce after 8 1/2 yrs of marriage, move back home with my mom, have absolutely no money, and now I just found out I am moving out of state a month before her wedding to attend school full time.  I am afraid I will be too busy & broke with school to be able to afford the trip to even attend the wedding muchless be in it!  I think she deserves a person that can focus more on her joy and all the details she is putting out there for that big day than I can offer emotionally and financially. Can I do this and how?? Thank you Knotties!!

Thanks for playing the devil's advocate though and giving some insight to the rough and tumble world that is wedding planning.  I never wanted to put the bride(my cousin) in this position but as you will learn from my original post, it is not avoidable.  I am going to continue to help her if she accpets it as well as co-host the bridal shower.  Since she lives in a different state, hundreds of miles away and is not usually available for phone calls during a reasonable time, I had to begin with the email and was only able to get her on the phone after that to better explain the situation. 

To all the other Knotties::: YOU ROCK!! Thanks for the feedback!