Wedding Party

How would you handle this?

Here is a little background...i have 4 BMs and 1 MOH. It was really tough for my to choose my MOH, I decided to go with my college roomate, over my childhood best friend. My college roomate has always been there for me through good and bad, you name it, I can count on her, etc. My childhood best friend is lets say...a bit immature.

She threw a temper tantrum when she realized she was a BM and not the MOH....i tried to be nice about it and didn't want to say well, we are not as close as we used to be, you're a bit flakey, immature and I can't really count on you for anything...I just said I have BMs of honor, i like everyone the same etc etc, which in many cases is true.

My wedding is in 5 days. Every single thing has been an issue with her, from day one and I've just been trying to let it go and not let her stress me out or bring me down.

I havent been able to get her on the phone in a month...she isnt returning the bridal shops phone calls, she has not been in for a dress fitting. she lives an hour and a half from the dress shop yet is in the area all the time and can never find the time to stop in. My mom even called her this weekend, left her a message and she has not returned her phone call either.

The dress shop said the latest they will be able to alter her dress is if she goes in thursday morning as they are really busy(its wedding/prom season obviously)....

I'm not really sure what to do at this point.....I'm kind of at a loss. Everything else is in place except for her. All of my other BMs have just been awesome, on top of things and are excited for everything...they have tried to contact her as well with no luck....just at a loss, not sure when I need to start panicking or if I should just not care if her dress isn't hemmed, or if its too small or too big, or just say you're out(i know that would end the friendship and at this point im not sure if I even care anymore)?

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: How would you handle this?

  • Wash your hands of it.

    If she doesn't fit into the dress then she's not a BM.  If this is her passive-aggressive way of "getting even" then let it be that way.  It's her loss if she doesn't get it done.

    Instead, focus on what you need to do - not what SHE needs to do.


  • Ditto banana.  Let it go.  Keep this in mind:  you can't control what other people do, you can only control how you respond to their actions.

    So let it go.  If the dress doesn't fit well, it reflects badly on her, not you.  If she doesn't get the dress at all, she's not in the WP.  But at the end of the day, you'll still be married, so she won't have impacted the outcome at all.

    You can obsess about this for the next 5 days, or you can enjoy the last week before your wedding.  I say enjoy the next 5 days.

    Good luck!
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • 5 days before my wedding, I didn't know how many guests I'd have or if I'd have ANY BMs. I didn't know if my ILs would make it back to Santiago from the south of Chile or if my BIL would make it from Argentina. There was an 8.8 earthquake a week before my wedding.

    My point? I have two. First is that this is out of your control, and there's no point stressing over it. Either she'll show up or she won't, the dress will fit her or it won't, and at this point, there's nothing you can do about it. Second, in the grand scheme of life and even in the grand scheme of other problems you could be having, this is a minor worry that probably won't make any difference to your happiness in the future. Breathe, and let it go.
  • Let it go.  There is nothing you can do short of going to her house and drag her to the store kicking and screaming.  IMO, she has probably decided not to be in your wedding and is not planning on telling you.  Go on as if nothing is wrong and if she does decide to join you then that is ok too.
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  • thanks girls....I just wanted to make sure I was on the right track with my thinking. Ive known her since I was about 2 years old. My mom said if she doesnt call back or go in by Wednesday she's calling her mom to find out what is going on....I would be mortified if that ever happened to me!

    I'm trying to not let it get to me....I can't wait for the wedding day and to see all of the other girls looking beautiful. So excited!

    I just dont want the dress shop to be inconveineced because she is too self centered to think of anyone but herself....

    Ahh....people suck!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Tara, the dress shop is a business. They might curse your friend for being a flaky customer, but they'll deal. Don't worry about them. And please try to talk your mom out of calling her mom. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to fight your own battles. I would be embarrassed if my parents stepped in on something like this.

    Otherwise, enjoy the excitement of the next 5 days, and don't give this girl another thought!
  • Your mom has no business calling the other girl's mom.  If you guys were 6 year olds, fine. But presumably everyone is an adult and can fight their own battles.  Tell mom to calm down.  

    Ditto Emily--the shop is a business and they will manage.  You don't owe them anything.  And please stop resenting everything this girl does.  She sounds totally annoying, but if you just focus on how much trouble she's causing, you're just going to whip yourself into a bad mood the week before your wedding and that's a really bad idea.  My sister did everything she could to try to spoil things, and finally I decided that it wasn't worth it and I didn't want her bad attitude to spoil mine.  So I started ignoring her.  Result: A perfect wedding that she couldn't ruin no matter how hard she tried.  I know it's hard, but just try to ignore what she does and focus on what good things ARE happening.  Focus on the people who are trying to make this a special time for you--you'll feel heartened and happier if you do.
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  • Ditto PPs.  Your mother has NO business calling the other mother.  If you're both adults, you two can sort it out.

    YOU could call the mom to say, "Hey, I just want to make sure that there isn't anything wrong because I haven't heard from her," but this isn't your mom's battle to fight.
  • I could never EVER imagine behaving in such a way. This girl needs to realize that this day is about you, and any problems she may have with it simply don't matter. It sounds like she needs to grow up, and quite honestly if this is something that she's willing to risk your friendship over, she doesn't deserve to be your friend. I've found over the past few years that it's a waste of time to sit and worry about drifting away from people for whatever reason. The people who are meant to be in your life (and your wedding!) will be there, no matter what. Friendship takes effort from both parties, and she's certainly not putting any in.  If you behaved like this for her wedding, how would she react? From what you've said, it sounds like she would have no problem cutting you out of her big day.

    Just breathe, and do whatever it takes to make your day as stress free as possible!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_would-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2f493af9-8f4e-4255-849d-9407f096a127Post:88a7d598-d200-4cff-906b-9a9825663fa9">Re: How would you handle this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I could never EVER imagine behaving in such a way. This girl needs to realize that this day is about you, and any problems she may have with it simply don't matter</strong>. It sounds like she needs to grow up, and quite honestly if this is something that she's willing to risk your friendship over, she doesn't deserve to be your friend. I've found over the past few years that it's a waste of time to sit and worry about drifting away from people for whatever reason. The people who are meant to be in your life (and your wedding!) will be there, no matter what. Friendship takes effort from both parties, and she's certainly not putting any in.  If you behaved like this for her wedding, how would she react? From what you've said, it sounds like she would have no problem cutting you out of her big day. Just breathe, and do whatever it takes to make your day as stress free as possible!
    Posted by Kate5606[/QUOTE]
    That's a terrible attitude to have about your wedding.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Kate, no. Just no. I think we can all agree that the girl in this situation is being childish, difficult, not a good friend, etc. But I do NOT agree that it's ok to come into your wedding planning with the attitude of "well it's my day, and I don't care what kind of problems my friends and family might have." Really, you wouldn't care if, to give an example that comes up here all the time, one of your BMs had agreed to pay $150 for a BM dress and then had some unexpected expenses come up and couldn't afford it? Lovely.
  • If you don't remotely care what your friends and family think, don't invite them.  Don't have a wedding party and just elope.  Once you start involving other people, you have to take their opinions and feelings into consideration.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • If she's not returning calls, I think she's not going to appear in the wedding. You need to be prepared for that.

    What would I do?
    Probably leave 1 last message/text and email saying if she's not at dress shop by Thursday, I will assume she's not going to be a BM.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_would-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2f493af9-8f4e-4255-849d-9407f096a127Post:dcb8d9c4-a492-4e50-b03e-16f46acbd091">Re: How would you handle this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you don't remotely care what your friends and family think, don't invite them.  <strong>Don't have a wedding party and just elope.</strong>  Once you start involving other people, you have to take their opinions and feelings into consideration.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    Huh? Did you read what anyone else here said? This is one of the few times on this board that I think everyone can agree that the OP had a valid concern, and everyone who responded had reasonable and completely valid advice for her. Of course she cares about this particular BM, or she would have just ignored the situation. But why should she allow her wedding to be ruined because one petty girl is upset that she's not MOH, especially when she's clearly demonstrated that she doesn't deserve the role anyway?

    To the OP, best wishes. Listen to everyone else who posted responses...perfect advice!
  • Thanks everyone, its nice to know that I'm not feeling like a crazy person and that this is uhh...wrong.

    My mom did call her mom, I didn't ask her too, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't stop her. They have been friends for over 30 years which is how BM and I met. Her mom has enabled her to be the spoiled brat she is, which is why it took her 7 years for her undergrad, no job, no bills, etc at the grown age of 25. Parents pay for her place, car, clothes, bar money, you name it.

    This is the response my mom got: Oh, well you know BM, shes always so last minute. I know she'll be down on Friday for the rehearsal, so she'll probably go then....shes a perfect size 6 and her dress is a 6 so she should be fine, no big deal.

    My mom said, Friday is too late, she has to go on Thursday. Everyones dresses need to be tweaked, weather it is a hem, a little here or a little there.

    Her mom replied, oh well, im sure it will all work out on Friday....not a oh I will call her and tell her you are both concerned and the shop wants her in no later than thursday.

    Good Riddance. I sent her a text telling her if she does not return my calls or go in for a fitting by Thursday I will assume she is not going to be in the wedding. Its a shame I already have the programs done.Tongue out

    And this girl wanted to be the MOH! lol
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • River, Aerin was talking to Kate5606. Read her post, and Aerin's response makes sense. Maybe read all the posts before you criticize next time?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_would-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2f493af9-8f4e-4255-849d-9407f096a127Post:17314645-d89e-4644-873d-8601da44b8b1">Re: How would you handle this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone, its nice to know that I'm not feeling like a crazy person and that this is uhh...wrong. My mom did call her mom, I didn't ask her too, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't stop her. They have been friends for over 30 years which is how BM and I met. Her mom has enabled her to be the spoiled brat she is, which is why it took her 7 years for her undergrad, no job, no bills, etc at the grown age of 25. Parents pay for her place, car, clothes, bar money, you name it. This is the response my mom got: Oh, well you know BM, shes always so last minute. I know she'll be down on Friday for the rehearsal, so she'll probably go then....shes a perfect size 6 and her dress is a 6 so she should be fine, no big deal. My mom said, Friday is too late, she has to go on Thursday. Everyones dresses need to be tweaked, weather it is a hem, a little here or a little there. Her mom replied, oh well, im sure it will all work out on Friday....not a oh I will call her and tell her you are both concerned and the shop wants her in no later than thursday. Good Riddance. I sent her a text telling her if she does not return my calls or go in for a fitting by Thursday I will assume she is not going to be in the wedding. Its a shame I already have the programs done. And this girl wanted to be the MOH! lol
    Posted by tara1223[/QUOTE]<div>Rather than <strong>texting</strong> her (????) to kick her out of the wedding if she doesn't get the dress done when you feel it should be done, you should have <strong>called</strong> her to apologize for mom stepping out of bounds and tell her you hope to see her there.  My sister got her dress hemmed the day before my wedding, it truly was fine. 

    </div>
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Ditto Brooke.

    Really, you're out of line to do what you did.

    Apologize and say, "I know you're saying you'll get it done so I trust you will."

    You get no bonus points for "kicking out" a BM - particularly when she hasn't done anything wrong yet.  If she doesn't get the dress she removed herself.  But for you to do it prematurely is a bridezilla move.
  • Tara, you've crossed the line, IMO.  Sending her a snotty text message was not the way to go.  I suggest that you call and tell her that you got a temporary case of the "wedding crazies" and you're sorry and that you'll look forward to seeing her on Friday.

    Honestly, not every dress needs "tweaking".  My dress for DDs wedding needed absolutely NO alterations, and fit me perfectly.

    You're overreacting and this WILL drive a wedge between you and your friend, and COULD drive a wedge between the 30 year friendship of both moms.  Is a dress really worth that?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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