Wedding Party

I know it's not all about me...

But one of my BMs is VERY opinionated and pretty much hates every dress I've shown her. She's a fashionista and I'm very traditional. 3 of my BMs are my sisters, and my mom doesn't like my sisters to wear strapless dresses, and since my dress has long sleeves, I'd like the girls to have at least straps. 

How do I handle the one BM who doesn't like any of the dresses I find? It's not like I'm being super-picky, either. I've found a LOT that I like! And by a lot I mean I've shown her at least 20.
*marc & catrina*
*10.9.10*

Re: I know it's not all about me...

  • In situations like this I'd say pick your battles.  Sometimes it's worth putting your foot down to stop someone who's being really unreasonable, sometimes it's worth it to just say "fine, go with the sleeveless."

    I would be interested to know 1) what dresses she's picking out that you don't like and 2) why she doesn't like the ones you're picking out.  Not knowing that, I can only speculate whether either of you is being unreasonable.  If she's picking out really inappropriate things and the ones you're offering don't look bad on her, then I'd say you'd be fine telling her "Stacy, this is what we're going with."  If, on the other hand, the dresses you're picking out really don't look good on her and she's proposing something tasteful but just in a different style, it shouldn't be a big deal.  I don't know if either of those situations covers what's going on here.
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  • Sounds like a tough situation. Have you talked about how stressful it is for both of? Do you know why she wants the other dresses?
  • Brooke - I see where you're coming from. She doesn't like them because it's a fall wedding and a lot of the dresses I can find with straps are tea-length. Therefore, she can't wear a dress that length cause DUH it's too springy ]:
    *marc & catrina*
    *10.9.10*
  • Also, she hasn't picked anything out or made any suggestions. She just doesn't like anything that I pick.
    *marc & catrina*
    *10.9.10*
  • Tea length can be tricky.  It looks great on some body types but not on others.  One of the regs (banana maybe?) abandoned tea length after seeing that it didn't look so hot on her BMs.

    Why don't you ask her to pick out a couple things she likes?  That would lay a foundation for a compromise.  You don't have to go with them necessarily, but at least you'd see what she's thinking.  Plus you might wind up really liking them--my BMs suggested a totally different color than I had in mind because the one I liked looked terrible on them.  I wound up loving it, but never would have thought of it had they not suggested it.
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  • duckie1905duckie1905
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
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    edited February 2010
    I would ask her for a few examples of what she wants.  She sounds like she's being a bit over the top when it comes to settling on something but perhaps the two of you are just missing what the other is suggesting?  Have her send you some ideas so that you have a jumping off point for finding something everyone can agree on.

    If she isn't willing to send you suggestions then I'd be done with it, pick what you/everyone else in the WP wants and tell her to STFU.  If she's complaining she needs to put forth the effort to explain what she wants.  If she can't do that then toooooo bad, so sad.
  • Tell her if she can't pick one she's going to have to wear one like the peach atrocity in Monster in Law or a puffy sleeved blush and bashful like in Steel Magnolias.

    Srsly, the suggestion for her to pick out a few to show YOU is a good idea.  If she continues to give you a hard time after you've tried to compromise tell her to shove it.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • HAHAHA STFU! That's awesome. I've considered it on several occasions already, as she is the one I can't talk to about anything to do with the wedding because that's not the way she thinks i should do it, down to the way I'm going to wear my hair. I've asked her for suggestions before on the BM dress, and she kinda just shrugged it off. I'm going to ask her again, and we'll see what she says. It's not even the color! She just doesn't like anything that I point out!
    *marc & catrina*
    *10.9.10*
  • BTW, you ladies make my day brighter and wedding planning more bearable [:

    also, FI agrees with everything you say. He's been getting kind of frustrated with the way BM has been acting, too.
    *marc & catrina*
    *10.9.10*
  • If you've asked her for input and she isn't willing to offer suggestions, and just wants to shoot everything down, then you've really done all that you can reasonably be expected to do to work with her.  I'd ask her one more time for her input, and if she's just "whatever" tell her "Well, if you have no suggestions and don't want to be a part of this, then the other BMs and I are going to pick something out and let you know what it is.  I hope you'll reconsider, but if not I understand."  Then she can't complain--you've given her every opportunity to have a say and she's not doing it.  If she still complains, that's really immature.

    Is this out of character for her?  Or is she usually contrary?  
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

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  • Are you looking at any dress lines that would allow for her to get something in the same color as your sisters but pick her own style and/or length?  If you're ok having non-matching bms, that might give her the room to find something she likes while also keeping your sisters and mom happy. Say we're using this fabric, and you can pick any of these 8 dresses.
    image image
  • I think there are two options here:

    1. Pick a designer that you know all the girls can afford (make sure you ask them each for their budget in private, so you know what you need to choose), then choose a color, fabric and skirt length that you like. Then let each girl choose her own dress from those specifications.

    2. Let all the girls try on a few dresses (again, that you know is in their price range), then take a vote and majority rules and that's the dress you go with.

    In either case, you can say to the picky BM, "I'm willing to give you choices, but I really need to keep things narrowed down a bit and I think that this is more than fair. If you really don't want to wear any of these dresses and would rather just attend as a guest and wear what you'd like, I totally understand."
    image
  • What about your sisters (or all the BMs) adding straps to a strapless dress? 
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    BabyFruit Ticker
    TTC #1 since 08/11 IUI#2 = BFP!
  • I understand completly what you are going through. One of my Bm is my aunt. she is l not as comfortable wearing  the strapless gown I have chosen for my other bms. I am going to allow her to wear what she feels comfprtable in dress wise and that way it kinda works out for everyone.  I hope you find a happy medium for you and your bm.
    Married: 10/01/11 Photobucket Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • These are just a few that I found at inweddingdress.com, thanks to Huskerfanz [:

    First, my dress, so you have an idea of the style:



    This one is my favorite out of all I found on this site (though it's not the only one I've looked at/willing to look at)


    Some more...
    Adore [:


    Ok...


    LOVE but the neckline is kinda low for what my mom likes




    Anyway, I know that they're all knee-length, but that's what's out right now because of spring weddings. When I asked her what her budget was, she said, "I don't know." Then she asked me about the dresses from DB and I told her that they wer $150 she made a face. So I told her that these that I'm looking at are around $85-$100 and she still didn't seem too happy. Also, I did ask her what sort of dress she would be comfortable/happy wearing, and she said she didn't know. She's not feeling well right now, so I'm not going to be unsympathetic and push this on her right now.

    Brooke - We've never totally agreed on style, and she's always been very opinionated and controling. Which is why, unfortunately, I've had to stop talking to her about ANYTHING regarding the wedding... down to how I'm planning to wear my hair...
    *marc & catrina*
    *10.9.10*
  • Honestly, other than the first one, I wouldn;t really want to wear any of the others. I like knee length though, or you could try doing long, but that might make it more expensive.

    I'm not sure if you would be willing to do this, but what about everyone picking out their own style as long as it fits within certain guidelines set by you.
    Photobucket
  • Mags - Thanks for being honest! Yeah, I'm totally ok with the girls picking within a certain color. Like I said, these are just some off of one website, when there's tons more out there. I'd rather have everyone wear something they're comfortable with, but I'm also trying to stay within their price range. I wish I had the money to help out, but our wedding budget is maxing out at $1500.
    *marc & catrina*
    *10.9.10*
  • I can totally see finding something that works within the budget. I would maybe pull your friend aside and ask her what she would be comfortable wearing and spending. I think if you are okay with it, different styles might work out best in this situation.
    Photobucket
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