Choosing MOH & Bridesmaids

Lenore2010

Please note, I posted this on "Wedding Recap" but thought it better suited to this board.

You know, I thought that I would give a little unsolicited advice here on this topic, because I see lots of issues here around the bridal party, and I had issues with my MOH myself. I got to thinking about all of it and had some thoughts for anyone who cares to hear them:

1. Ask people you know are simply and 100% happy for you, sounds like a no brainer but truth is even the best of friends can harbor resentments when you announce your engagement - particularly those "I have to meet someone or I will die" friends. I think most women have a single friend or two like that.

2. Ask people who actually have a little time to be in your wedding. The new mom of twins whos husband is in grad school and she is on maternity leave from two of her three jobs might not be a great pick no matter how much you love each other. She barely has time to shower, and if she drops the ball on the rehearsal dinner who could actually blame her, but it still is not optimal for anyone concerned. She may very well be agreeing to be in your wedding anyway because she feels she can't say "no" (see #4)

3. Ask helpful people to be in your wedding. No, I am not implying that your MOH or your bridesmaids are your bitches for the event, but believe me when the big day arrives and you are thinking about rings and hair and makup and holding flowers and getting into that dress, you are going to want at least one person around you who actually wants to help you that day. Not all sweet friendly people are actually helpful. Don't ask you bestest friend ever who just happens to be suffering from allergy attacks everytime someone you know is moving or seems to spend an lot of time consistently talking about her own problems.

4. A big one here - make it okay for people to decline your request to be in your wedding!  A lot of people feel very obligated if they are asked-and that leads to reluctant and even resentful people in your wedding.

We see a lot on here on the various boards accusing people of Brizilla attacks at their MOH's and Bridesmaids. I think that happens for sure, and some brides are just not reasonable people. Sometimes, though the MOH/Bridesmaids really have dropped the ball, and I think it is usually traceable to one or more of the above causes.

Just my thoughts-best wishes to all still planning a wedding!

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-moh-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44b9b1b8-d7c2-4e41-ad46-8b41785c2929Post:f620bfdf-f475-409c-8c35-7978ab614229">Re: Choosing MOH & Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and disagree with 2 and 3 - you shouldn't ask people because they have the time or inclination to help you. I will however add that honestly, if your best friends in the world refuse to help you on your wedding day with stuff like zipping up your dress, then you need new best friends. <strong>My BMs were insanely helpful on my wedding day not because I chose them for that trait but because they love me and wanted to make things as enjoyable as possible for me</strong>.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>And those are helpful people! People don't fall down on the job on that stuff because they are buttheads, per se, they fall down on the job because they have personalities where they are just too self involved - worrying about how they look or whatever rather than helping you out. So, yes I think to be in your bridal party, particularly as MOH you want people who have both the time and the inclination to help you on your wedding day and even your rehearsal if that applies. Those are real, involved friends who care willing and able to give you those hours of their time. Save the other friends for lunch dates and chat, not to be with you on one of the most important days of your life.

</div>

xoxob

I am going to disagree with 2 and 3, as well.

Lenore2010

Ok, in disagreeing with #2 and #3, I have to ask this and it is an honest question, not a sarcasm:

Why do we have MOH's? Why do we have Bridesmaids? Is it just so they stand next to us in dresses and heels, or so that we can actually have some help with the details ON (notice I did not say "before") our wedding day.

Sure, you ask people to do this because you love them and want them to share this day with you. Yet honestly, everyone who was at my wedding shared my day with me. Why would I *want* to ask overburdened, over committed people to be in a wedding? Is that not actually in an odd way potentially inconsiderate?

I did not ask anyone in the wedding to pay for diddle, nor would I whatever "custom" dictates. BUT, if you are not asking helpful people to be in your wedding, why are you asking people?

If you just want your friends to feel the love, there are a lot nicer ways to do that frankly than march them out in some dress of your choosing to stand next to you during a ceremony not their own.

xoxob

I think that no matter how overburdened I perceive my closest friends to be, I would rather have them tell me, "No, I'm sorry I am too committed to be with your during your wedding day." than to risk them being hurt because I didn't ask. I also would never want to imagine myself with anyone but my closest friends. It is them, or nothing.

Lenore2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-moh-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44b9b1b8-d7c2-4e41-ad46-8b41785c2929Post:2d694c51-3be7-484d-b2ff-361a7929bf2c">Re: Choosing MOH & Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that no matter how overburdened I perceive my closest friends to be, I would rather have them tell me, "No, I'm sorry I am too committed to be with your during your wedding day." than to risk them being hurt because I didn't ask. I also would never want to imagine myself with anyone but my closest friends. It is them, or nothing.
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I can understand that. It is a very big thing to some people that they be asked, and if you are having a lot of Bridesmaids it could get even more problematical not to ask some people. I would probably just make really sure they felt okay with declining.

</div>

xoxob

I only plan on inviting three girls and it's them, or nothing. They are my best friends and I can't imagine ever wanting anyone else by my side. One of them lives in LA and the other works 80 hours a week. Any time they can give me, I will take. Wedding related or not.