Wedding Party

Bride and Groom Disagree on a potential Bridesmaid

One of my best friends is much older than I am or the rest of the wedding party, my fiance claims that as much as he likes her she shouldn't be in the wedding party due to her age.  One of my close friends who is like a mother to me says that even if she is much older if she's my best friend then she should be in the wedding party.  His mother agrees with him but came up with the solution that she should be the wedding planner that way she still feels involved and is a part of the wedding.  I don't know what to do.  Any advice?

Re: Bride and Groom Disagree on a potential Bridesmaid

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-groom-disagree-potential-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:479651b8-e032-44ec-bd81-98c9e74a4ccePost:91e9fed8-7c90-41f8-bdd5-76366b181ef5">Bride and Groom Disagree on a potential Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my best friends is much older than I am or the rest of the wedding party, my fiance claims that as much as he likes her she shouldn't be in the wedding party due to her age.  One of my close friends who is like a mother to me says that even if she is much older if she's my best friend then she should be in the wedding party.  His mother agrees with him but came up with the solution that she should be the wedding planner that way she still feels involved and is a part of the wedding.  I don't know what to do.  Any advice?
    Posted by kcn0072002[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's your bm and your friend. He has no say in who goes on your side. And age should not have anything to do with your choice.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-groom-disagree-potential-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:479651b8-e032-44ec-bd81-98c9e74a4ccePost:a55ebe72-9713-4c99-8de8-4a8ea274b68c">Re: Bride and Groom Disagree on a potential Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Bride and Groom Disagree on a potential Bridesmaid : It's your bm and your friend. He has no say in who goes on your side. And age should not have anything to do with your choice.
    Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

    Ditto.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2010
    Wow, your FI and his mom sound like real class acts.  There's no upper limit to wedding attendants' age, and unless a potential bridesmaid has tried to kill him, he doesn't get veto power over your side.  And asking her to be the wedding planner?  Yeah, don't even think about it.  There's a reason wedding planners charge a lot of money, they earn every damn cent.  You don't "include" someone in your wedding by asking them to work for free.
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  • Your FI and FMIL are totally wrong on this one. Just because she's a little older doesn't mean that she can't be a BM. If she is your close friend, then by all means, let her stand by you. It is a cruel plan to make her a wedding planner. Those people do a ton of work and are paid for it. Being older doesn't mean that she should be relegated to slave class. What a terrible idea. 
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  • This is simple.

    You choose your WP.
     
    Your FI chooses his.

    Done and done.
  • I definitely agree with PPs.  You get to pick your BMs and your FI shouldn't have a problem with it.  I wouldn't have her be the wedding planner (or guest book attendant, or punch pourer, or program hander outer, etc).  Those things are honors, they are more like jobs.

    If you decide to not have her be a BM, then maybe have her do a reading.  But don't let FI dictate your friendships.
  • Your FI can, for lack of a better term, suck it.  If she's your good friend, age shouldn't keep her out.  That would be ridiculous.  He gets no say in your side any more than you get a say in his side.
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  • Your FI chooses his side, you choose yours. Plain and simple. It is not his call to say who you have as a BM.

    I had two of my cousins as BM's and one of them was in her mid 30's. She said she felt weird, but really enjoyed the experience and honor bc she had never been in a wedding before. And her daughter was our FG.
  • Age does NOT matter when it comes to being in the WP. If you want her as a BM have her, I'm sure she will be honored. BM are really close friends and family that you want to honor them with the friendship you have then pick her. Your FI AND his mother have ZERO say on YOUR side.
  • I don't know if I would completely agree with what most people are saying that your FI has absolutely no say in your wedding party.  I wouldn't pick a BM who by FI absolutely hated, since ultimately it's the wedding party for the bride AND groom.

    However, the fact that your friend is older is not a legitimate objection on your FI's part.  It's perfectly acceptable to have an older BM.  And asking her to be the wedding planner instead is a horrible idea.  Wedding planner is a job, not an honor.
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-groom-disagree-potential-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:479651b8-e032-44ec-bd81-98c9e74a4ccePost:c1ab542f-1475-49e4-b1f5-97f898e524b3">Re: Bride and Groom Disagree on a potential Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know if I would completely agree with what most people are saying that your FI has absolutely no say in your wedding party. <strong> I wouldn't pick a BM who by FI absolutely hated</strong>, <strong>since ultimately it's the wedding party for the bride AND groom.</strong> However, the fact that your friend is older is not a legitimate objection on your FI's part.  It's perfectly acceptable to have an older BM.  And asking her to be the wedding planner instead is a horrible idea.  Wedding planner is a job, not an honor.
    Posted by SaraAndrew2010[/QUOTE]
    Unless said potential WP member did something truly horrible (in which case I wonder why they would still be your friend), I disagree.  The WP is for both of you, but there are sides for a reason: you bring your nearest and dearest up with you when you marry your FI.  They're supporting YOU in your marriage.<div>
    </div><div>I'm sure there are lesser reasons, but the problem is that (at least from what I've seen on this board), brides think it's their right to hold veto power over their FI's side because "it's OUR WP" and then the poor FI doesn't get a good friend in the WP because the bride has a reason to keep him out (legit or otherwise).  </div><div>
    </div><div>Maybe I'm just jaded, but given that I've seen that <strong>so many</strong> times on this board, I just say that everyone should pick their own side with no input from the other.  If you have a good relationship, it shouldn't even be an issue.</div>
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  • Bablingbrooke, I agree with you that situatations where it's appropriate to intefere with your FI's attendants are few and far between.  And I also agree that hopefully most people wouldn't be good friends with someone who was horrible to their FI.  Just making the point that I don't think it's fair to say, "It's my side of the wedding party and I will ask whoever I want even if you hate them" 
  • Ditto Retread.

    And tell FMIL that acting as an unpaid wedding planner is NOT an honor.  I've been the unpaid caterer for MIL and I can tell you that it sucks.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-groom-disagree-potential-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:479651b8-e032-44ec-bd81-98c9e74a4ccePost:71b9f16b-719e-4055-96a8-a225dac83464">Re: Bride and Groom Disagree on a potential Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Bablingbrooke, I agree with you that situatations where it's appropriate to intefere with your FI's attendants are few and far between.  And I also agree that hopefully most people wouldn't be good friends with someone who was horrible to their FI.  <strong>Just making the point that I don't think it's fair to say, "It's my side of the wedding party and I will ask whoever I want even if you hate them"</strong> 
    Posted by SaraAndrew2010[/QUOTE]
    No disagreement there, though I think it speaks to much larger relationship issues if that's the case.  
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  • Our SIL had his college basketball coach in his WP.  Coach's 17 year old DD videotaped the ceremony and reception.  Coach had a great time and everyone else in WP really enjoyed getting to know him.

    Our SIL adores this guy, and if I'm not mistaken, was one of the first men chosen for the WP.  Our SIL couldn't imagine himself getting married without his friend and mentor.  DD was thrilled when coach agreed.

    Your FI and your FMIL are 100% wrong on this one.  One.  Hundred. Percent. WRONG.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Tell your FI and FMIL to butt out.  She's your best friend, so honour her.  Don't put her to work and don't discriminate against her because of her age.  No one's going to be asking the WP for ID as they walk down the aisle.
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  • Wedding planner? Are you paying her? Then if not, don't ask her to be a slave and work for free, that is more of an insult.

    Give her the honor she deserves as your best friend. Tell your FI not be be so superficial, age does not matter- but friendship does!

    "Fi- this is my good friend and I want her in my bridal party". end of story. If FI protests make some other token compromise.


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