Venting about a BM

ellen82

Hey,

I am new here but I wanted to vent about BM (I am sure we have all done that). And I am one of those silly silly brides that got caught up with the excitement of the engagement and asked her BMs like right away (my wedding is not for over a year). So all my BMs are totally fine except for one... My SIL. I am really trying to be a accommodating bride. I am letting the girls pick their own dress (as long as its deep purple) if they have one already, want to borrow etc, fine by me! Hair and makeup is not mandatory, I am providing the accommodation for the night before and after for the out of towners and I told my SIL who does not live where the rest of the BMs do that if there is a shower held were we are, that she doesn’t need to attend if its too far away. Sounds fair to me! My present to them will be paying for the spa day the day of the rehearsal...which she still asks if she needs to even attend.

Well here are some of my problems...everytime I discuss the wedding, she has made various comments and here we go:

1.       Thinks weddings are stupid and silly and a waste of money-they are common-law. Fair enough but c`mon you don’t need to keep saying it.

2.       Every time I share something to do with invites or photography she sends me back a quote for the price she would do it for me, with a “generous” discount of 25 off. Umm thanks for trying to make a buck off the wedding...

3.       She flipped out on me when I wrote to the girls about the shopping trip (all the girls wanted to go together to a bigger city to shop for dresses so they could get a close colour) even though I said it was optional and I would pay for the hotel. I am giving five months notice!

4.       Told me that I was selfish because I am having the wedding where I live. Its in the middle sort of for my family and fiancé family. I am selfish because my Grandma is thinking she doesn’t want to attend because its maybe too far (only 6 hours-but fine if that is her choice) and do I really want to have my wedding day without her? Even saying that my finances family is silly because they are already travelling 12 hours to our town but couldn’t they travel four more hours so the wedding can be in my hometown where she lives (my hometown is 3-4 hours away from the wedding)

5.       She doesn’t want to do anything with a bachelorette if its not where she lives....

6.       And even my BM has even told me that she thinks this girl doesn’t even want to buy me a wedding gift because the gift alone is showing up. Even though she and my brother have a very expensive over seas trip planned. I think that has more to do with it.

 

I have even spoken to her gently saying that she seems stressed and maybe stressed financially and that I wouldn’t want this experience to stress her out, so if it was too much, to let me know but she says she is fine.

So I don’t know what to do....and her comments etc are starting to hurt me....

 

bablingbrooke

Are you seriously upset that this girl doesn't want to give you a wedding present?  No one owes you a wedding gift.  So shush.  It makes you sound petty.

Don't ask her if she still wants to be a BM.  That's code for, "I don't want you in the wedding but I don't want to boot you, so save me the embarrassment as step down."  It's like asking someone for their letter of resignation.

Stop sending her updates on planning.  If someone isn't interested in the wedding, or makes rude comments, the only cure is to stop talking about the wedding.  Has it been awhile since you asked about her, or called her up just to chat?

5 months' notice is quite a bit for a shopping trip, IMHO.  

I get that she's frustrating you, and I'm not condoning her behaviour, but I think there are a couple things you can do to smooth it out.  You really can only control your actions and reactions to her so that's the only advice I can give about how to improve the situation.  I would also address this for what it is: a friendship problem.  It sounds like something might be up with her.  So call her up and have a chat.  Is everything okay?  Is there something going on?  Do what you'd do if your friend was acting this way and you weren't engaged.  Fix the friendship.  How it impacts the wedding is a tertiary concern here.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_venting-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54c50554-8975-44e3-8497-f3f45705634dPost:c9c09b14-ca92-4589-9a8e-9b91cc44cdd6">Venting about a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey, I am new here but I wanted to vent about BM (I am sure we have all done that). And I am one of those silly silly brides that got caught up with the excitement of the engagement and asked her BMs like right away (my wedding is not for over a year). So all my BMs are totally fine except for one... My SIL. I am really trying to be a accommodating bride. I am letting the girls pick their own dress (as long as its deep purple) if they have one already, want to borrow etc, fine by me! Hair and makeup is not mandatory, I am providing the accommodation for the night before and after for the out of towners and I told my SIL who does not live where the rest of the BMs do that if there is a shower held were we are, that she doesn’t need to attend if its too far away. Sounds fair to me! <strong>My present to them will be paying for the spa day the day of the rehearsal.</strong>..which she still asks if she needs to even attend. Well here are some of my problems...everytime I discuss the wedding, she has made various comments and here we go: 1.        Thinks weddings are stupid and silly and a waste of money-they are common-law. Fair enough but c`mon you don’t need to keep saying it. 2.        Every time I share something to do with invites or photography she sends me back a quote for the price she would do it for me, with a “generous” discount of 25 off. Umm thanks for trying to make a buck off the wedding... 3.        She flipped out on me when I wrote to the girls about the shopping trip (all the girls wanted to go together to a bigger city to shop for dresses so they could get a close colour) even though I said it was optional and I would pay for the hotel. I am giving five months notice! 4.        Told me that I was selfish because I am having the wedding where I live. Its in the middle sort of for my family and fiancé family. I am selfish because my Grandma is thinking she doesn’t want to attend because its maybe too far (only 6 hours-but fine if that is her choice) and do I really want to have my wedding day without her? Even saying that my finances family is silly because they are already travelling 12 hours to our town but couldn’t they travel four more hours so the wedding can be in my hometown where she lives (my hometown is 3-4 hours away from the wedding) 5.        She doesn’t want to do anything with a bachelorette if its not where she lives.... 6.        And even my BM has even told me that she thinks <strong>this girl doesn’t even want to buy me a wedding gift because the gift alone is showing up.</strong> Even though she and my brother have a <strong>very expensive over seas trip planned.</strong> I think that has more to do with it.   I have even spoken to her gently saying that she seems stressed and maybe stressed financially and that I wouldn’t want this experience to stress her out, so if it was too much, to let me know but she says she is fine. So I don’t know what to do....and her comments etc are starting to hurt me....  
Posted by ellen82[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your wedding isn't even until October 2011!? Why are you even bothering bms with things like your wedding?!</div><div>
</div><div>A spa day is an OK gift, but really, it's for your wedding. You really SHOULD get them something a little more personal that has to do with them.</div><div>
</div><div>With #1, just ignore her. Or stop talking about the wedding. If she brings it up, just change the subject.</div><div>
</div><div>With #2, your wedding is SO far away. Why are you even talking about that stuff with her? Plus, bms are not required to help or even have opinions about things like invites.</div><div>
</div><div>With #3, just send her the info and forget about it. Again, you don't need to be planning this stuff out 5 months in advanced....(some bm dresses take even less than that) and why are they even needing to go on a shopping trip if you're letting them pick their own dresses?! </div><div>
</div><div>I don't even want to touch #4 unless she definitely said word for word that you are selfish. I doubt it.</div><div>
</div><div>#5, she is in no way, in the wrong. She doesn't have to attend. it's a night out of partying and drinking. Who cares if she shows up?</div><div>
</div><div>And #6, you're way out of line with this one. No one is required to give you a gift. It's nice to get one from every guest but not everyone is going to follow this rule. With bms, they're already shelling out tons of money for dresses, travel (which she has to travel for yours), shoes, hair, makeup, etc. You should be happy that she's coming. And how she spends her money is her deal, not yours.</div><div>
</div>

mbcdefg

Expect nothing more from her than to get the dress and show up to the wedding.

Other than that, stop sharing wedding plans with her, and ignore any snide comments.

You don't HAVE to discuss wedding plans with her, you know, even if she is a bridesmaid. Yes, she sounds rude, but you're also putting yourself in this situation by sharing your plans with her (ever hear that saying, "Doctor, it hurts when I do THIS?" Doctor: "So, don't do THAT!").

As far as who gives you a gift - nobody owes you a gift. Be grateful for whatever you happen to get, be gracious if you get nothing from some people, and keep your nose out of other people's finances. It's none of your business how much money she has or what trips she's planning. It's HER money and she doesn't owe you a penny of it.

PeonyPrincesskdd

checking to see if my ticker works...

I will be back later to respond and read this thread

ellen82

Thanks for your comments.
First of all, I wasnt going to discuss the shopping trip and details etc but ALL (lots of time etc!!) of the bridesmaids, including HER demanded that I give them more information so I sent out an e-mail with what I had in mind. And then her comments came in.

 I was told by her through an e-mail that I HAD to tell her MONTHS in advance when I wanted to go shopping (even though it was partially her idea) because she was very busy and when I did she flipped out about it.

She was the one that asked about invitations and photography and said, this is what I charge. I dont mind someone charging for their services but really, I found it a bit inappropriate.

She DID call me selfish. She called me to ask about something wedding related and then said, Your Mom tells me that your Grandma cant make it because its very far away, you are being very selfish. The best solution is to have your Mom and I plan it from here (she actually said that) so everyone can come and its stupid that your fiances family cant just drive an extra couple of hours on top of what they want.

For the Spa day, its not getting the hair and makeup done etc and it was the bridesmaids that suggested this. Its a Nordik Spa and some of the girls had never been and were very excited. I may get them something on top of that but I am already paying for half of their hair and makeup, accomodation, shopping trip hotel. I may make them something like a nice scrapbook but I am doing what I can on my budget.

As for the bachelorette-she offered that up. She called me and said: I am only going to go to something if its in town. I am honestly not a type of person to do drinking and when asked, I told them that I wouldnt want that.

And yes, I get the part about the wedding gift. I even feel weird about registrying for gifts and I understand that it came off as a bit petty...

My problem is that I dont know how to handle her: she wants to engage in these topics but then lashes out at me...

I only spoke to her again about the bridal party because she came off before as so excited and I did chat with her to see what was up and I was being nice to say that if she felt too stressed out that while I would LOVE her to be a part of it, but if its something she felt pressure to do, then by all means its okay if she felt the need to not take that part. I wasnt doing it to ask her step down...I was trying to see why she was lashing out and I got nothing from her...

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_venting-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54c50554-8975-44e3-8497-f3f45705634dPost:f235bfd1-6f75-496f-b14c-b3682f8d75e9">Re: Venting about a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My problem is that I dont know how to handle her: she wants to engage in these topics but then lashes out at me... </strong>
Posted by ellen82[/QUOTE]

<div>Just "bean dip" her.</div><div>
</div><div>FSIL- OMG what flavors of cake are you having? It's only a real wedding if you have spice cake.</div><div>Ellen- Oh I'll have to remember that. Have you tried this bean dip?</div>

mbcdefg

If it's information that she NEEDS to know about (the dress, stuff that all the bridesmaids are included in), send her the information and then ignore any rude follow-ups.

If it's something that doesn't concern her (where you're purchasing invitations, what accessories you're getting for yourself, what'll be served for dinner at the reception), you can say something like, "We haven't looked into that just yet," or "We're keeping it a surprise! Wait until you see it, you'll love it" and then change the subject.

If she's offering to do something that you're not interested in (making your invitations, etc.), just say something non-committal like, "Thanks for that information!"

Basically, just ignore her when you can, don't get into a discussion or argument with her, don't provide details if you can avoid doing so, give non-committal answers.

eshaufle

She honestly sounds like she's the one being petty and ridiculous...I'd say it's most likely jealousy since none of it seems to really make sense.

I think that was very considerate of you giving your bridesmaids a pretty big heads up about a shopping trip.  Honestly, once people are working full-time and have lives, families, whatever it sometimes takes that much advance notice to schedule something! 

I also think the spa gift is a great present (outside of the hair/makeup/nails for the day of) since it's pampering them in a way that has nothing to do with their wedding day appearance.  I personally would be tickled with a spa day as a present.  Who wouldn't love a nice massage or facial??

And as far as asking opinions from bridesmaids on invites and stuff...I really don't see how that's an imposition on them.  I think it's nice that you were asking her at all and were trying to include her.  That's kind of what friends do for each other and it sounds like you've made a lot of effort to be a friend and accomodating to her.  If she's disinterested, she'll let you know (or in this case trying to sell her services) and then you can just stop going to her for opinions. 

I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong outside of the wedding gift frustration.  Bridesmaids are supposed to be there for fun wedding related stuff.

ellen82

Thanks I was just posting this for a bit of support. I know that I new here but please dont get a bad impresion of me. I really am trying to make this very cost effective for my BMs and covering whatever financially that I can. They can get whatever dress they want, I dont care about shoes and if you want your hair and makeup done, I will try to cover whatever I can.

The comments from her are just hurtful. Especially the one about me being selfish..because anyone who knows me knows that I would give the shirt off my back if they needed it. I just have two families to deal with it. For some reason she has a major problem that its not in my hometown. She makes me feel that I am this stupid big spender person. And I am very silly to hold it where my fiance and alll of our friends live.

yes, my wedding is far away but why do I get lashed out at when they asked for details and I gave them the details? Its not like I said Ok guys, tomorrow you HAVE to buy this and this is the plan. I was asked again and again what the dress colour would be, everyone suggested they all go shopping to get a similar colour, what will hair and makeup be, what is the plan and they all asked for a lot of notice and I gave it to them. yes five months for a shopping trip is far away but all these girls are very busy and they asked for that notice to plan a weekend as they all wanted to go close to Christmas time.

I guess my only solution is to avoid her? I dunno....I just wish that wasnt the way...it wasnt what I had in mind when I asked her...

stina93446

Believe me, you did not give off a bad impression, except for the gift thing, but I think you cleared that up. 

One thing you have to remember is that no one cares about your wedding as much as you. Meaning that she may be a debbie downer about it. But just TRY to ignore her. Be the better person. Kill her with kindness. You love her, and she's going to be family. I am sure some of this is because it's so far away.

And remember that weddings bring out the best and worst in people. People say dumb things because weddings are involved, as well as manners go out the window. When I was getting married, my FBIL who was expecting a child right before the wedding loved to rub it in my face that the baby would try and steal the spotlight. Stupid and really rude of him to say, but I just ignored it because I knew it was stupid. I was the freakin' bride....a little newborn was not going to bother me.

bablingbrooke

Just change the subject.  It sounds like she's looking for opportunities to condescend to you, so don't give them to her.  Soon she'll start looking to someone else to give her that satisfaction.

cmmosley81

I have to say that I am kinda close at the same thing with one of my BM she really isnt into a lot of the details that she asked about. She is actually the one making my cake for me so I have no problem paying her for that. If your BM is someone who is honestly good at whatever service and she can do it how you want it then I dont see what the problem is with her offering. She may be sounding pushing but that may be how she is.  As far as the dresses and the spa day that seems like you are looking to give a little to much for her. I picked the dress that my BMs will be wearing. Yes they all had an input but I made sure it was all agreed that this was the dress.  I agree with the changing the subject. You are never gonna make everyone happy.

quotequeen

For the Spa day, its not getting the hair and makeup done etc and it was the bridesmaids that suggested this. Its a Nordik Spa and some of the girls had never been and were very excited.

Just keep in mind that not every girl is excited about this kind of thing.  If I were in a wedding and the bride told me her gift to me was a spa day, I would probably have a "do I have to go" sort of reaction too, because I just don't enjoy that stuff.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_venting-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54c50554-8975-44e3-8497-f3f45705634dPost:ef502e58-c42d-472f-905a-010312aaea92">Re: Venting about a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]For the Spa day, its not getting the hair and makeup done etc and it was the bridesmaids that suggested this. Its a Nordik Spa and some of the girls had never been and were very excited. Just keep in mind that not every girl is excited about this kind of thing.  If I were in a wedding and the bride told me her gift to me was a spa day, I would probably have a "do I have to go" sort of reaction too, because I just don't enjoy that stuff.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]
Ditto this.  I barely tolerated getting "pampered" for my own wedding.

Manwaithiel

The bridesmaids suggested the spa day. Obviously they want it. I don't see a problem with that.

ellen82

For the Spa Day: Its a thermal bath so its not massages, its like a Nordik Spa. Two of the girls LOVE this Spa and the other two even before the engagement have talked about how badly they want to go. So no offence, I think they will like it

eshaufle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_venting-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:54c50554-8975-44e3-8497-f3f45705634dPost:ef502e58-c42d-472f-905a-010312aaea92">Re: Venting about a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]For the Spa day, its not getting the hair and makeup done etc and it was the bridesmaids that suggested this. Its a Nordik Spa and some of the girls had never been and were very excited. <strong>Just keep in mind that not every girl is excited about this kind of thing.  If I were in a wedding and the bride told me her gift to me was a spa day, I would probably have a "do I have to go" sort of reaction too, because I just don't enjoy that stuff.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]
</strong>
But remember...this is first and foremost a gift to thank the bridesmaids for being in the wedding.  With gifts, it's the thought that counts.  And while it may not be every person's cup of tea (even though it sounds like they were the ones that wanted it), they should be happy that you thought of them and wanted to do a nice gesture for them as a gift.  I certainly haven't liked every gift I've received in my life but I appreciate them even thinking of me.  Since when do you have to ask your bridesmaids (or any person for that matter) about their gift preference??  That would seem awfully rude if a bridesmaid was actually upset that they didn't like their gift...so I don't really see how even whether they wanted it or not is relevant.  It's still a nice gift and it's not something required for the wedding so you were only thinking of them when you bought it.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_venting-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:54c50554-8975-44e3-8497-f3f45705634dPost:03cd837c-4357-4c8a-b65b-9616513d0d8a">Re: Venting about a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about a BM : But remember...this is first and foremost a gift to thank the bridesmaids for being in the wedding.  With gifts, it's the thought that counts.  And while it may not be every person's cup of tea (even though it sounds like they were the ones that wanted it), they should be happy that you thought of them and wanted to do a nice gesture for them as a gift.  I certainly haven't liked every gift I've received in my life but I appreciate them even thinking of me.  Since when do you have to ask your bridesmaids (or any person for that matter) about their gift preference??  That would seem awfully rude if a bridesmaid was actually upset that they didn't like their gift...so I don't really see how even whether they wanted it or not is relevant.  It's still a nice gift and it's not something required for the wedding so you were only thinking of them when you bought it.
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]

I think the point, though, is that if you KNOW a good friend wouldn't really enjoy a spa day, then it's really <strong>not </strong>a thoughtful gift. Of course it's "relevant" if someone would like the gift that you're giving them. Otherwise, WTF is the point of even getting them anything?

It might be "generous" of me to buy a $100 bottle of good liquor for my Straight Edge bridesmaid, in terms of spending the money and getting her something that I think is generous, but she's not going to drink it and I know that for a fact so then that's not considerate of me at all. "It's the thought that counts" doesn't mean shiit in that situation.

It seems like the OP's friends would all truly love the spa day, however, so it's a not an issue in her case.  

bablingbrooke

You don't get to say, "It's the thought that counts," if you know that one person isn't going to like it.  That is the very definition of NOT putting thought into something.

You want to give some BMs a spa day?  Give them the spa day.  Spend an equal amount of money on something else for the BMs who don't like spa stuff--something they'd actually like.  If you have 4 BMs and only 3 like the spa, it's really not a gift to the fourth to make her go to the spa day that she won't enjoy just because you're doing it for the other three.  See what I mean?

How would you like it if someone put you through something you didn't enjoy, and they knew you didn't enjoy, and called it a gift to you?  It's one thing if they don't know.  But if they do know?  Would you really consider it thoughtful and a gift?  

To say, "it's the thought that counts" implies that some thought went into it, i.e. the person genuinely tried to do something you would like.  And while it's just as bad for someone to say anything about it, why put everyone in this position to begin with?

People need to stop whining about how their friends should be and accept them for how they are.  Wedding or no wedding

ellen82

I am not really sure how this conversation turned into my BM gift but let me say for the last time: My BMs suggested it. My MOH-this is her favourite place (my sister so I should know), my other BM said that her and her fiance went the day before and suggested this gift to me (as did others), the BM I am having trouble with keeps saying again and again how much she wants to go to this place (she is actually a Spa manager herself) and the other girl as well and was really excited for the idea of doing this.

Its  a thermal bath place where you switch between steam rooms etc. I am giving it to them as a gift certificate and they can choose to go with everyone else the morning of the rehearsal or another time.

I am not made of money here and I may try to give them something else but all of these girls LOVE this place and are more of the type of girls that would like an ``experiance` gift rather than something material.

So not sure if the comments were directed at what was my choice but I can assure you that I am the type of person who does consider the ideas of all of my girls.

bablingbrooke

I can't speak for others but my comments were more general about BM gifts, not you specifically.

ellen82

Ok thank you

bablingbrooke

To give you some context: There's a raging debate on here about what constitutes a "good" BM gift.  On the one side are people who think that it's totally fine to give gifts related to the wedding, whether it's something the BMs would actually enjoy, because the purpose of a BM gift is either to 1) reduce BM expenses (whole other ball of wax as to whether those expenses are appropriate or not) and 2) as a memento from the wedding.  On the other side are people who say a gift is a gift and it should be given with the interests of the recipient in mind, rather than the interests of the giver, wedding or not.  Basically the line is drawn based on whether gift-giving changes when it involves a wedding.  As you can see, I belong to the latter camp  

So basically any time someone mentions giving a wedding-related BM gift, the debate rages.  I say it's fine to do if it's something the BMs would like, i.e. if there was no wedding involved, would you give the same gift?  If the answer is yes, go with it.  If not, you might want to re-think how to spend your money.  Since they're doing all sorts of nice things for you, best thing you can do for them is to be considerate and give them a present they will enjoy.  Since that's what you're doing, in my book you're in good shape

stina93446

I don't think any of those comments were directed at you since you already said that your bms would love it. You know your friends better than us.

ellen82

Thanks guys I appreciate all of your input/advice. Sorry I am new on here!!