What to do about MOH (kinda long)

fishieballerina

I feel really bad, but I am about as fed up with my MOH as I think I can get. She and I are cousins (neither of us have sisters) who were born 24 days apart from each other. We have always been close (well, up until recently). Two days after I got engaged I went to see her. That day she told me that she was back together with her on-again-off-again bf. From that point on for two months she would not talk to me (she wouldn't answer my phone calls, wouldn't get together with me when I invited her to stuff, ect). Before I moved back to school I called her to see if she wanted to get together before I left. She refused, but her bf informed me that the two had been engaged for two weeks. SHE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME! My FH and I had set a date for 2011 and she was aware of that. Just the other day I asked her if she had set a date, and she said no but that they were looking at either Jan or July of 2011. I told her that she should pick July because she has always wanted to get married on her family's lakefront property. She said that she was thinking about getting married in Jan so that she could "say she got married before me." I told her it wasn't a race. Today she informed me that they set a date for Jan.

It would be one thing if she was marrying a really great guy. The guy is a real jerk. He treats her awfully, she is always complaining about the way he treats her too. He even has so much disrespect that he told off my grandmother one day! (My grandmother is like the sweetest person in the world. Even if she wasn't, that is not appropriate for a future in-law to do). I can't help but feel like my cousin is marrying this guy because she sees me getting attention and wants some herself (she has always been an attention hog). I am so upset for her for being so inconsiderate and for treating me like dirt. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to ask her to step down from the wedding party. But I fear that may destroy any shot we have at repairing our relationship. She has asked me to be the MOH in her wedding (I say asked but what she said was "You are going to be the MOH" I haven't exactly said yes to it), and I feel like if I don't it will ruin her wedding (which should be special for her even if she is having it out of spite). I am so torn.

What would you do in this situation? Would you ask her to step out of the wedding party? Would you be her MOH? How would you even approach her awful behavior to me without hurting her feelings or making her hate me?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:66581939-dc0e-462e-bdcf-3f43eec1199bPost:ec42bebf-5efc-4e62-8ae4-fd6d9e980980">What to do about MOH (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel really bad, but I am about as fed up with my MOH as I think I can get. She and I are cousins (neither of us have sisters) who were born 24 days apart from each other. We have always been close (well, up until recently). Two days after I got engaged I went to see her. That day she told me that she was back together with her on-again-off-again bf. From that point on for two months she would not talk to me (she wouldn't answer my phone calls, wouldn't get together with me when I invited her to stuff, ect). Before I moved back to school I called her to see if she wanted to get together before I left. She refused, but her bf informed me that the two had been engaged for two weeks. SHE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME! My FH and I had set a date for 2011 and she was aware of that. Just the other day I asked her if she had set a date, and she said no but that they were looking at either Jan or July of 2011. I told her that she should pick July because she has always wanted to get married on her family's lakefront property. She said that she was thinking about getting married in Jan so that she could "say she got married before me." I told her it wasn't a race. Today she informed me that they set a date for Jan. It would be one thing if she was marrying a really great guy. The guy is a real jerk. He treats her awfully, she is always complaining about the way he treats her too. He even has so much disrespect that he told off my grandmother one day! (My grandmother is like the sweetest person in the world. Even if she wasn't, that is not appropriate for a future in-law to do). I can't help but feel like my cousin is marrying this guy because she sees me getting attention and wants some herself (she has always been an attention hog). I am so upset for her for being so inconsiderate and for treating me like dirt. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to ask her to step down from the wedding party. But I fear that may destroy any shot we have at repairing our relationship. She has asked me to be the MOH in her wedding (I say asked but what she said was "You are going to be the MOH" I haven't exactly said yes to it), and I feel like if I don't it will ruin her wedding (which should be special for her even if she is having it out of spite). I am so torn. What would you do in this situation? Would you ask her to step out of the wedding party? Would you be her MOH? How would you even approach her awful behavior to me without hurting her feelings or making her hate me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Posted by fishieballerina[/QUOTE]

It sucks that this is going on...but I think you should just grin and bear it in this case. Just be supportive. Hopefully, she'll realize before the wedding if this guy is the jerk you say he is. If not, then it is none of your business unless you have actually witnessed him being abusive (and not just a "jerk" which is sort of arbitrary). In this case I would sit your cousin down and calmly explain to her that you will not be in her wedding because you don't support the marriage and then tell her why you don't support the marriage.

Edit: Oh, and don't blame her for anything, and make sure you emphasize that above all you are concerned for her safety and well-being.

fishieballerina

IIn reply to StageManager:

I told her, when she got back together with this guy, that I didn't particularly like him but that I had no say in who she dates and would be respectful towards him (as I always am). It may be "self-centered" to feel that way, but I have never heard her tell him she loves him and when I asked her if she did love him she said, "I don't know" (This was even after they got engaged). I have never witnessed any physical abuse, but I have heard him put her down many times (telling her she was stupid, needed to lose weight, and other things in a very negative and even yelling tone). I never said it was my business who she marries, I am disappointed that she is marrying someone who doesn't treat her or her family with respect, but I am not trying to stop their marriage at all, and have even acted supportive by telling her about upcoming dress sales etc.

More than anything, I did not write this to be insulted, told that I am self-centered, a poor judge of character, or any of the other accusations made. I wrote this to get advise on whether I should ask her to step out of my wedding after the awful ways she has treated me and if I should serve in her wedding. If I needed to be insulted I have my cousin's number and could ask her to do it for me.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:66581939-dc0e-462e-bdcf-3f43eec1199bPost:ee61af91-03a0-4917-aee3-1c4baa0f8c63">Re: What to do about MOH (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I told her, when she got back together with this guy, that I didn't particularly like him but that I had no say in who she dates. It may be "self-centered" to feel that way, but I have never heard her tell him she loves him and when I asked her if she did love him she said, "I don't know" (This was even after they got engaged). I never said it was my business who she marries, I am disappointed that she is marrying someone who doesn't treat her or her family with respect, but I am not trying to stop their marriage at all. More than anything, I did not write this to be insulted, told that I am self-centered, a poor judge of character, or any of the other accusations made. I wrote this to get advise on whether I should ask her to step out of my wedding after the awful ways she has treated me and if I should serve in her wedding. If I needed to be insulted I have my cousin's number and could ask her to do it for me.
Posted by fishieballerina[/QUOTE]

No, you should not kick her out, unless you want to start a family rift that could last for years, and may not ever be resolved. There seem to be much deeper issues here than your cousin getting married and any jealousy she may have. I would try your darndest to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and work out your issues.

blackfire5th

I think you need to step back from the situation.  I'm sorry she ignored you, but she was probably caught up in keeping this guy, that she devoted all her energy and time to him and forgot about the rest of the world for a little bit.

You say that you don't think it is a race, but yet you are upset that she set a date before you.  It sounds like you are unhappy that she is getting married first.

You also say that she is getting married because she is an attention hog and wants this attention for herself.  Yet again, it sounds like you are also unhappy that some of your spotlight has been stolen.

I know it is hard to watch someone be with a jerk, but what she will need is support from you and to be a shoulder to lean on if and when things fall apart with this guy again.  I wouldn't worry too much about this now.  A lot can happen in a year, they may break it off again.  You two may get your relationship back.

I would not kick her out of the wedding party.  I would ignore a couple weeks of bad behavior and remember our life-long friendship.

annabanana2345678

I think having a good straighforward talk might help clear the air. It will probably be tough to position without accusing her of things, but I would try to approach it from "we have an issue, and how can we solve it together" perspective. If you still feel pretty bad about it afterwards (and I would probably sleep on this one as well), as much as it sucks, it might be worth asking her to step down to save yourself lots of grief. Why did you ask her to be your MOH? Are you best friends or you felt like you had to ask her because she's your cousin?

blackfire5th

[QUOTE] More than anything, I did not write this to be insulted, told that I am self-centered, a poor judge of character, or any of the other accusations made. I wrote this to get advise on whether I should ask her to step out of my wedding after the awful ways she has treated me and if I should serve in her wedding. If I needed to be insulted I have my cousin's number and could ask her to do it for me.
Posted by fishieballerina[/QUOTE]

No one insulted you.  When you post something on a public forum, you cannot dicate what responses you get.  You have to take the bad with the good.  The best part about these message boards is that we are completely removed from the situation and have a much clearer idea of what is going on because we are not emotionally involved.  We are able to say things to you that you might not have thought about and things that your family and friends won't tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

blackfire5th

Quote from OP:
"My mom gave me great advice at the beginning of my engagement, "Don't let your wedding ruin your relationships with others. Your wedding lasts one day, your friendships can last a lifetime. A lifetime of building the friendship, a lifetime of holding the friendship."

It looks like you have answered your own question.

emilykathleen511

Very nice blackfire.

fishieballerina

The thing is, is I wonder if she is even my friend anymore. I feel like I am holding on to this little spark of what used to be a friendship with the hopes that it will rekindle. It has been six months of her ignoring my calls (which I know she is doing because she actually told me herself that she has been hitting the ignore button "not thinking it was going to be important"), and just treating me like dirt. I really don't want to ruin a friendship over our weddings, but I just feel like I have been severely disrespected (not just with her getting married "so she can say she got married before me" but with the way she has treated me since my engagement.) I am going to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her, I think that is a good idea. I just hope that I have a friendship out of this. I appreciate the advice. Thanks.

blackfire5th

I think it's fine if you have a heart to heart with her, just don't make it about the wedding.  I'd only focus on the relationship and if things haven't approved in a few months, then you can come back to the issue of keeping the friendship and asking her to step down.

You have a long time before your wedding.  There will be plenty of time to worry about who your MOH will be later.

If you do ask her to step down, you have to be prepared for the friendship to end.  You also have to be prepared for mutual friends/family relationships to be affected and you must be okay with some people picking her side.  Sometimes it is just easier to leave someone as MOH for one day in order to avoid years of family feuding.

In a nutshell, do not bring up asking her to step down yet.

phoeny_moonstar

I always wonder why girls pick their WP so early into the planning. Don't pick your BM's until 6-9 months before your wedding date for this exact reason.

banana468

I think your cousin's behavior is very similar to the behavior seen in young brides who are more obsessed with the idea of getting married and having a wedding than they are focused on their lives.  That isn't to say that you are like this and that your cousin is exactly like this, but the way you're describing her makes it sound similar.

My guess is that she's finding that she's in competition with you due to how close you to are and now there's the need to be the FIRST to do so many things.

Absolutely DO NOT boot her from the wedding party.  The way you make her and the relationship sound, you'll still be getting married first.

Instead, talk to her about your friendship and ask her if there's anything that you can do to smooth things over.   I agree she's acting very immature but the best thing to do right now is to be the bigger person and try to resolve any issues in your friendship. 

After all, the wedding day will come and go and your friendship with her and the rest of the family will hopefully last a lifetime.  Work to mend that friendship. 

SarahPLiz

This is a cousin/friend relationship thing and you need to address it as such. If youre relationship doesn't improve by they time you really need to pick your WP, in about a year, then you can worry about the MOH issue. A lot can happen ina year. Your cousin needs support if she is going to break out of an emotionally abusice relationship. These are very hard to leave because there are no physical signs for others to see, only internal scars (been there, done that). She needs your love and support to realize that she is being taken advantage of.

If their relationship is this volitile, it may not even last until 2011, so if you address the MOH issue now, you may be burning a bridge for no reason.

jma1983

I was engaged once before.  I knew in my heart that my family and friends didn't like the guy because of the way he treated me.  But, they never said anything.  They just supported me.  I eventually woke up and realized what I was about to do.  My friends and family were there to catch me from the fall.  Only after I got through that did they tell me how they really felt about him.  I was blind to the truth, mostly because I didn't want to see it.  And, I was in love with the idea of being married, rather than who I was marrying.  I think if my family had tried to point out the bad points of why I shouldn't marry this guy, I probably would've gotten upset with them and ruined some great relationships.  That was over 5 years ago, and the people that were there for me then, are my best friends still.  So, I'd say, that if you decide to have a heart to heart with her, be careful not to start picking at her fiance.  Instead, talk to her about your relationship with each other, leaving the weddings and fiance out of it.  And, as a friend, be there to support her.  Because if/when she feels she's making a mistake, she will need someone to lean on.  It's embarassing to admit that you accepted a ring from the wrong person. 

In regards to kicking her out of the wedding.  I wouldn't do that just yet.  If you cannot get to the root of the problem between the relationship you have...then that might be a conversation for another day.  But, I agree with PP, there's a reason you chose her to be your MOH.  Good luck!

gottahavashorti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:66581939-dc0e-462e-bdcf-3f43eec1199bPost:55375e47-4c3d-48ac-835d-4cde384bde17">Re: What to do about MOH (kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is, is I wonder if she is even my friend anymore. I feel like I am holding on to this little spark of what used to be a friendship with the hopes that it will rekindle. It has been six months of her ignoring my calls (which I know she is doing because she actually told me herself that she has been hitting the ignore button "not thinking it was going to be important"), and just treating me like dirt. I really don't want to ruin a friendship over our weddings, but I just feel like I have been severely disrespected (not just with her getting married "so she can say she got married before me" but with the way she has treated me since my engagement.) I am going to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her, I think that is a good idea. I just hope that I have a friendship out of this. I appreciate the advice. Thanks.
Posted by fishieballerina[/QUOTE]

If this guy is possibly verbally abusive, do you think there might also be a chance that he is controlling or checking who she talks to on the phone?  If you have expressed that you aren't a fan of him, that may have caused hard feelings toward you by either your cousin or her FI.

Don't kick her out, and let her figure out this relationship on her own.  You can't really do anything about it, but wait it out and be there to support her when/if she leaves the relationship.

megk8oz

Like the other ladies have said, I would wait a year before doing anything regarding your WP. A lot, a lot, a LOT can change in that amount of time.

A few years ago I was "semi-engaged" (Really long, really messed up story) to pretty much the worst person on the planet for me. We had been on and off for 3 years (The "off" mainly due to the fact that he treated me like crap, was extremely verbally and sexually abusive ... and on top of that, he was constantly cheating on me. Yeah, I picked me a winner), and just a month before the "engagement" I told him I never wanted to see him again (And meant it). This was right around Thanksgiving. That Christmas Eve, he showed up at my house with a ring. I was 21, never had another serious boyfriend, and couldn't help but think that there had to be some deep, mystic reason we had stayed together so long (It certainly couldn't have been because I was just stupid), so I accepted.

My family and friends hated the guy, pretty much so from about 3 months into the relationship (Which come to think of it, is about the same time I started to hate him, too, and just didn't want to admit it at the time because I was 18 and stupid). They did let me know how they felt, but honestly, I didn't want to hear it, because like I said, I'd never had a serious boyfriend, and I had some huge self-esteem issues, so I truly believed I would never find somebody else. I wound up becoming a completely different (self-destructive) person while I was with him, a person that I hated so much, but doing things like accepting that I hated myself and breaking up with him was like admitting I'd been "wrong" (Which at the time, I also had issues with). And the longer we were together, the harder it was to admit I had been making such a huge mistake for such a long time.

Anyway, the "engagement" literally lasted 2 weeks (When I found out he was planning on goading me into giving the ring back so he could "propose" to his other girlfriend ... did I mention I picked a real winner?), when I had enough and broke it off for good (FYI: totally kept the ring). Maybe it was the fact that I realized a divorce was a lot more expensive than just telling him to suck it, maybe I was finally ready to admit I was wrong just so the nightmare of being with him would end, but something clicked, and I came to my senses.

If your cousin's FI is really that awful, then she needs to learn that on her own. Whether that's a month from now, a year from now, or if it turns it she's one of those people that NEEDS to marry the jerk to learn it (Which you'd be surprised, a lot of women do need to take this unfortunate step to get it through their head). The point is, that when it happens, she's going to need support and love from her family and friends. And until then, she's going to need people to love and support her, no matter how much she fights them on doing so.

jms1019

One thing to consider is that if your cousin knows that you don't like her boyfriend or fiancee, that was probably a reason she was reluctant to tell you about getting engaged. I have a friend who's dating an absolute loser who treats her awfully and I've been vocal about not liking him so now she just doesn't tell me about him. It doesn't affect our friendship for the most part, but I've often wondered what would happen if they were to get engaged and she asked me to be in her WP or if I'd even attend the wedding. The whole thing is you need to keep that wedding and your wedding seperate. Don't kick her out of your wedding because you don't want to be a part of hers or vice versa.

Like the others have said, talking to her can do wonders, and as harsh as it sounds if she really is marrying the wrong guys for the wrong reasons that's going to hurt her in the long run and that's a mistake she might not need to make. You've let her know your problems with him, she's acknowledged your concern and she still wants you to be her MOH. You're going to be standing there for her and you still will no matter what happens. Focus on your friendship, not the wedding and you'll be much happier for it.